5 Steps to Live More Authentically

Do you struggle with the expectations that other people have for you? 

It can be hard to understand what we really want and need when we’re preoccupied with what others are thinking of us. If we spend too much time focused on what others want, it can make us feel disconnected from our sense of self. 

A lot of times, living authentically isn’t something we actively think about until we feel a sense of inauthenticity. 

Have you ever felt that little feeling in the pit of your stomach that says “Do I even like who I am right now?” Many of us experience a feeling of not recognizing ourselves at some point or another. Sometimes we’ve spent a lot of time working on something that doesn’t align with our values anymore. Sometimes we’re so worried about what other people think that we just do what they tell us, instead of thinking about what we actually want.

What does living authentically mean? 

Being authentic means showing up as genuinely as you can. It means that your actions line up with your values (or you do your best to make sure that happens). When you live in an authentic way, you are staying true to yourself and your values. This doesn’t mean that you don’t listen to other people or care about others–but you don’t accept their feelings or opinions as your own. You can ask others for their wisdom, but you are the only one who knows and understands what you think and how you feel–and what next step aligns with how you want to show up in the world.  

There are a lot of reasons it’s hard to be authentic in the world right now. We live in a society that values money and productivity over almost anything else, so it can be hard to connect with what is really important. We mostly interact with others through social media if we don’t see them face to face, whether that is because we’re connected to long distance friends, or we’re so busy trying to keep up with the many demands on our time, we barely get to see our friends, even if they live locally.  And those many demands on our time and energy leave us burned out much of the rest of the time. It can be hard to reach your values or move through the world how you want, when you’re too burned out to even think.  

Knowing all of this,how do you start to be more real with yourself? Here are some tips to start living authentically:

Make space for mindfulness

Mindfulness comes up a lot in therapy spaces, but that is because it can be such a helpful tool. Mindfulness practice teaches you how to be in the present moment, instead of worrying about the past or future. It can help us disconnect from that constant feeling of not being enough or comparing ourselves to others. When we take time to practice mindfulness, we practice listening to ourselves instead of others, which is a key to authenticity. The more you practice listening to yourself, the more naturally you will be able to tune into how you really feel.

Take time to self-reflect

It is hard to live in line with your values if you don’t know what they are. Take some time to self-reflect in whatever way feels best for you. Some people like to journal, some like to make art, or talk with someone they trust. However you choose to do it, focus on reflecting on your values. What is important to you? Think about the people you respect or admire. What are their values? Are they the same as yours? It can also be helpful to look up a list of values and pick a few to do some journaling or reflecting on. Get to know yourself so you can understand what is important to you. 

Don’t judge

This is true for a couple of things - don’t judge yourself, and don’t judge others. Just as you’re learning and growing, other people are too! Don’t look down on people for making mistakes that you just recently stopped making yourself. And don’t judge yourself too harshly for making those mistakes! As humans, one of our only guarantees is that we will make mistakes along the way. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person, and when we learn to accept our mistakes, we learn to accept ourselves fully without shame. That makes it easier to show up. 

Clean up your social media feeds

We’re probably all guilty of mindlessly scrolling through social media, but if you find yourself on there a lot, try changing up who you follow. Follow people who make you feel good + safe, not people who make you feel like you need to change to be loved. Follow therapist accounts that can provide insight into mental health, people with bodies different from yours, BIPOC folks, and people who are living authentically themselves. Report ads that make you feel bad about yourself. You don’t need to tolerate that nonsense! 

Know that we never stop growing

Your values probably won’t change all the time, but check in regularly to see if anything has shifted for you. We all learn and grow throughout our lives, and that means that sometimes our values change. Some things might become more or less important to you as time goes on. Your priorities may change, and that’s okay. The important thing to remember is to listen to your inner self for answers instead of outsourcing it to someone else. Only you know what’s right for you. 

If you’re interested in doing more work toward living authentically, our clinicians can help you work toward that goal. Get in touch with us today to see how we can help. 

What Internalized Messages Do Your Still Believe About Yourself?

What’s an internalized message?

An internalized message is something we believe, unconsciously about ourselves. These messages and beliefs don’t come from within ourselves–while they may feel like undeniable qualities about ourselves, these internalized messages actually came from outside influences. They are the result of how we, as children, are able to interpret and understand the world around us, and the way we’re expected to behave in relationships. 

These messages then become core parts of our self view, how we’re unconsciously able to connect with and relate to others, how we navigate social situations and relationships, etc. These messages, when they aren’t explored and questioned, can muddle our true beliefs about ourselves, and lead us to believe we are less lovable,safe, and valued than we really are.  

So where do these internalized messages come from?

The internalized messages we have ourselves come from the foundational relationships in our lives.These would be our parents, guardians, other family members, early childhood friends, authority figures (teachees, church leaders,) etc. 

As we grow older and can understand our own and others complexities, we can start to see that while these messages came from influential people in your life, they are not always trying to communicate the message you’re understanding. What may be a normal exchange for an adult can be a foundational building block for a child. If your needs were neglected by your parents–even without malicious intent, but perhaps because of less fortunate circumstances–there’s a part of your brain as a child that takes that information and tries to understand it with what it knows. So it’s entirely possible that those negative beliefs you have about yourself are coming from that inner part of yourself that is still a child, asking for their needs to be met. 

For example: take this story, where a man internalized a fear of abandonment after his family took in a series of rescue dogs until they found “the one” that was right for their family. This series of events–while not intentionally–taught that young boy that it wasn’t safe to make quick connections with others or try to bond with them before they proved they would stick around. This of course wasn’t the family’s intention, and there were probably many factors that went into the constant shifting of the family-pet dynamic, but it’s a belief that boy learned and carried with him into adulthood because it was how he was able to understand and get through the circumstances he found himself in. 

What are common internalized messages we have about ourselves?

Unfortunately, when we internalize these messages about ourselves, we often fixate on negative messages. Things like: 

• Everyone is going to leave me

• I need to constantly prove my value so people will want to keep me around

• If I say the wrong thing, someone may stop loving me

• My body deserves to be punished/I should feel shame for my body 

• People will only love me if I can do something for them

So how can we begin to question/challenge those internalized messages?

The first step is recognition. What is it you’re believing about yourself right now? Can you identify what the message is?

From there, what is it about this moment that is making that message come up for you? Is there any evidence to support that the thought is true? (Ex. Is it really true that if you say the wrong thing, someone will stop loving you? Has the person you’re nervous about talking to given you any indication that this is true? Or is this a fear coming from somewhere else? 

If it’s coming from somewhere else, can you identify where that place is? Think on the feeling, what memories come up with it? Does the feeling you’re having right now remind you of a moment in your childhood? When is the first time you remember having this feeling?

The next step is to take that information and use it to challenge that feeling or belief or message whenever it comes up. Ask yourself: 

• Is there any information at this moment to support this negative belief I’m having about myself?

• Or is there a moment from my youth that made a “wound” that is being re-opened in this moment? 

It can be helpful to have a regular reflection process for moments like this, so you get into the habit of questioning those negative beliefs when they pop up.

Below are 8 journal prompts to help you explore and challenge the internalized messages you still have about yourself: 

1. What beliefs do I have about myself?

2. For each of those, what is the earliest memory of that belief? 

3. What feeling did it bring up as a child? How have those feelings translated into my adulthood?

4. What about this moment is pulling up that belief?

5. When is the first time I felt like this?

6. What did I need in that moment that I didn’t get?

7. Is there any evidence that my needs will be ignored or overlooked now?

8. Is there any evidence that this negative belief I have about myself is true in this new situation? 

If you’re looking for support as you work on challenging those negative internalized beliefs, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help.