3 Tips for Working Through Shame

3 Tips for Working Through Shame

You know what feels absolutely terrible? 

Shame. 

Shame is an emotion that we all feel, but we pretty much all hate to talk about. That’s because shame is designed to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Of course you wouldn’t want to talk about that! 

What is shame?

We all feel shame, but what is it? Shame is “a self-conscious emotion arising from the sense that something is fundamentally wrong about oneself.” Shame makes us feel bad about ourselves. It tells us that we are unloveable, unlikeable, and not good enough.

Unlike guilt, which is based on something you did or didn’t do, shame comes from the belief that there is something wrong with you. We aren’t born feeling shame, but we learn it based on our surroundings. Shame can be learned from experiences with others and from the culture we grow up in. Some psychologists believe that we developed shame as an emotion because we’re social animals. Without shame, some people might not follow laws or cultural norms. While sometimes shame is helpful, it can often spiral out of control. 

Why does shame feel so uncomfortable? 

Shame is what’s known as a negative emotion, which are unhappy or unpleasant emotions such as fear, anger, or sadness. Negative emotions are tough for us to process because they make us feel discomfort, so we do what we can to avoid them. Shame in particular is hard to deal with because it impacts how you feel about yourself. Shame can play on all of your insecurities and fears and leave you feeling worthless. 

Shame is a terrible feeling, and the way people try to get rid of that terrible feeling varies. Shame can lead to people working to become perfect, even though perfectionism can be damaging. Some people’s shame leads them to spend less time with others, out of fear of being judged or ridiculed. Others react to shame with anger, violence, or defensiveness. Some people try to avoid the pain of shame by using substances or harming themselves. 

You aren’t doomed to be stuck in a shame spiral forever. Here are 3 ways to start working through shame: 

Notice it as it comes up

It’s tempting to avoid shame. You might even do it without realizing! Letting it slip by unnoticed lets it grow, though, so it’s helpful to nip it in the bud when you can. It might take some time to feel like you’re prepared to face your shame head on, but when you start to notice that little shame voice in your head, it’s easier to stop it. You can’t do something about it if you don’t know it’s there! 

It can be painful to notice all the different ways you feel shame. Some people give that little shame voice a name to make it easier to point out when it’s talking. Using a silly name works great here, because it can take some of the emotional sting out of shame. That way, when you hear that voice of shame in your head, you can just remind yourself, “There goes Shamey Shirley again,” instead of feeling badly about yourself. 

It might also be helpful to notice how shame feels in your body to get into the habit of noticing when it pops up. What does it feel like, physically, when you feel shame? Is there a tightness in your stomach? A lump in your throat? Tension in your muscles? When you notice what shame feels like in your body, it can be easier to recognize that it is present. 

Talk about it out loud

Shame thrives on secrecy. When we keep our feelings of shame to ourselves, it lets them grow and multiply until they get out of control. It can be excruciatingly vulnerable to talk to someone about the things that you’re ashamed of, but speaking it out loud can take away some of the power it has over you.

Sometimes just saying something out loud is enough to make you realize that it wasn’t that powerful in the first place. Sharing shame with someone you trust can also help you realize that you’re not the only person who feels this way. 

Since shame, at its core, is about feeling like there’s something wrong with you, it can feel like you’re admitting there’s something wrong with you when you talk about shame. Remember that just by talking to someone about shame, you’re being incredibly brave. Shame often leads us to avoid other people and to keep things to ourselves because we don’t want to be judged or we worry other people will know that there’s something wrong with us. Going against that instinct to keep shame to yourself is hard to do, but so powerful. 

Be compassionate to yourself

Untangling shame is not going to be done overnight. It took a lifetime to learn the things that you feel ashamed about, so it will take patience to undo that. While you’re working on it, be as compassionate to yourself as you possibly can. Shame can make it easy to get carried away with self-loathing, because it plays on all of your deepest insecurities and tells you that you’re a problem. When you notice that happening, interrupt it by being ridiculously kind to yourself. 

When you notice those negative shame thoughts coming up, try to interrupt them or reframe them. Are those thoughts actually true, or are they based on negative thought patterns? Try to remind yourself that you’re doing your best. The negative thoughts you have about yourself aren’t all true, and you can look at things from different perspectives when you’re not stuck in shame. 

Are you struggling to deal with shame? Working with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore shame without judgment and find new ways to cope that actually work for you. Send us a message today to get started! 

Balancing Self and Community Care

We know that self care is important. 

With so much conversation surrounding burnout in the last few years, we’re maybe more aware than ever how essential self care is! 

Unfortunately, the root of burnout often can’t be addressed on the individual level. By nature, burnout isn’t just feeling tired, it’s a complete depletion of your mental, physical and emotional energy, often as a result of being overworked, underpaid and burdened with responsibilities beyond what you can reasonably manage on your own. This isn’t something that just resting more can fix. While it certainly doesn’t hurt, it’s important to remember that it’s not personal failure when you can’t self-care your way out of burnout. 

So if individual changes can’t fix burnout why bother?

Reading that may have felt disheartening. It can make it feel like it’s pointless to put real effort into taking care of yourself–if there’s a larger system burning you out, why bother putting your energy toward trying to counter it when it’s not your lifestyle causing the problem? 

In one sense, it’s not fair to have to do extra work to counteract the effects of an unruly system. It’s reflective of healthism–turning systemic or collective issues into problems for the individual to solve. It’s a common predicament that doesn’t just apply to mental health. Think back to the controversy following the banning of plastic straws in certain states–while fossil fuels and corporate giants are the ones causing the most damage to the environment, the burden of the “solution” was put onto the individual consumer, when it turns out straws are actually a very small part of the problem. 

Because we live in such an individualistic culture, it can be hard to find the line between “this problem is caused by something bigger than me, so it’s not my problem” and “it’s my job to sacrifice my own well being for the good of my community.” We often think it has to be one or the other, but in reality it’s a blend! Caring for ourselves requires a healthy community, and we can’t have a healthy community when it’s completely neglected due to lack of a sense of collective responsibility. 

How do we find balance between individual responsibility and collective care?

Take the environmental example. Yes, large corporations, billionaires, fossil fuels, and agriculture are the largest contributors to climate change. No, recycling or reducing individual waste won’t tip the scales or undo the damage caused by all those entities larger than you. Does that mean you have no responsibility to your environment or community? But if everyone takes that stance, the damage will only get worse and worse. And the mindset of “it’s someone else’s problem” gets culturally stronger every time we decide not to think of our community when we act. No, it won’t reverse climate change to clear the garbage off of your yard, but it will help make your neighborhood a nice place to walk around and spend time, which can in turn increase your sense of community and belonging, improving your mental health (and probably your physical health–you’ll want to be out and active more if it’s a nice place to be!)

Taking time to identify your values can help you find the balance between caring for yourself and caring for your community. What is important to you? 

For example, maybe body positivity is something that you’re passionate about. While cultivating practices for yourself such as gentle, joyful movement, intimate touch, prioritizing filling and delicious meals, etc. are all wonderful expressions of self care, you can also find ways to cultivate community care for the same thing. Maybe there are local groups you can help coordinate plus size clothing swaps for so plus size members in your community can get fresh additions to their wardrobe without financial burden. Or maybe there’s an organization like Food Not Bombs you can volunteer for to help others achieve food security–a key component for a good relationship with one’s body. 

Caring for your community is caring for yourself. 

None of us can survive on self care alone. It’s just not possible! You didn’t bring yourself into this world, and just about everything since then has required the help of others. No matter how self-sufficient you are, there will be times when you will need the support of others. 

If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, and balance self & community care, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

4 Ways Mindful Breathing Can Help You Feel Better

4 Ways Mindful Breathing Can Help You Feel Better

Are you holding your breath right now?

It might seem surprising, since breathing is the one thing we’ve all been able to do since birth, but many folks have a tendency to hold their breath when they’re stressed or distracted. We breathe automatically for lots of reasons, and one of those reasons is so that we don’t have to waste our mental energy forcing ourselves to breathe to stay alive. While that is certainly handy, one consequence is that it’s easy to tune out your breathing to the point where you don’t notice it. Getting in touch with your breath through mindful breathing can help you feel better during times when you are stressed or upset.  

The first step to practice mindful breathing is to start noticing your breath regularly. You might not even notice when you start holding your breath or breathing shallowly. Shallow breathing often comes up in moments of stress or discomfort, when our bodies are preparing us to fight or flee. Try to notice the times when you’re naturally holding your breath or when your breathing gets shallow. Notice what it feels like in your body when your breathing isn’t as deep. Maybe put a sticky note on your desk to remind you to take deep breaths whenever you notice it. 

What is mindful breathing?

Mindful breathing is pretty much what it sounds like - focusing your attention on your breathing instead of letting it happen without you noticing. Practices like yoga or breath work focus heavily on the breath as a way to connect to the body and can help you to build the habit of tuning in to your breath. These practices can help you incorporate mindful breathing into your life regularly so you have a built in reminder to focus on your breath. 

Mindful breathing doesn’t have to be a whole production, either if that makes it hard to start. It really can be as simple as noticing “Oh hey, I’m holding my breath a lot right now.” and then deciding to take some slow, deep breaths. 

Why mindful breathing is helpful 

Has anyone ever told you to take a deep breath when you’re really upset? It can be frustrating advice because it might not seem like it will actually help, but deep breathing actually has a lot of benefits. Some of the benefits of deep breathing include: 

• Lowered stress levels

• Improved immunity

• Lower blood pressure

• Increased energy

• Better digestion

Here are 4 other ways that mindful breathing can help you feel better in moments of distress: 

Mindful breathing oxygenates the blood

When you take nice deep breaths, you not only give yourself something else to focus on besides your distress, but you take in more oxygen. The oxygen you breathe in is transported around the body from your lungs, which helps your body function more efficiently. This is part of why taking slow deep breaths can boost your energy - you’re properly oxygenating your cells, so they’re ready to be used. 

Mindful breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system

Another reason that mindful breathing helps you feel better is that it activates your parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system, or PNS is the part of your nervous system that comes online in times of calm. Your sympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is what is activated in times of stress, and it controls your fight or flight response. When your body is stressed and ready for a fight (or flight), your body shuts down certain processes, like digestion, to conserve energy to defend yourself and stay alive. Deep breathing helps your PNS come back online, which restores your body to a state of calm. 

Mindful breathing you become aware of the present moment

In our increasingly distracted world, it’s a powerful skill to be present in the current moment. Mindfulness is a valuable tool that helps you learn how to direct your attention and encourages you not to judge yourself. 

The key with the mindful aspect of mindful breathing is to try to keep yourself focused on your breath. Notice each inhale and exhale and the space in between. Notice how the deep breaths make your body feel. Any other thoughts that come up can be gently pushed away. When you notice your thoughts wandering to other things, just calmly shift your attention back to your breath. 

Mindful breathing directs your focus away from distress

Not only does mindful breathing help to literally calm your body down, but it can be a great distraction. When something is stressing you out or making you uncomfortable, turning your focus onto your breath can help you feel less distress. Paying attention to your breathing and taking deep breaths gives you something else to focus on other than what’s upsetting you, which can help you calm down in the moment. 

The calming effects of breath work that we discussed above help your body calm down in a few different ways, and the space it takes up in your brain to control your breath forces you to shift your focus, which can be helpful in uncomfortable moments. Deep breathing has even been shown to reduce pain! 

It’s powerful to notice how what’s going on in your body influences your mental health. We often think of mental health as being just in the brain, but your whole body has an impact on how you’re feeling, and you can engage your whole body in your healing process. Working with a therapist who approaches healing through a holistic perspective can give you new insight into how to connect what's going on in your mind and body and how to use both to feel like your best self. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

Breaking up With a Friend

There are a lot of reasons we might end a friendship. 

Sometimes, the friendship dissolves itself, with each person growing apart and coming together less and less. Sometimes we’re just friends with people because of circumstances or environment or class, and when we leave those places, the friendships fizzle out themselves. 

But sometimes, ending a friendship is more involved than that. Whether you’ve found you and your friend no longer align on your values, or they aren’t able to support you the way you support them, or boundaries were violated, it’s hard to realize it’s time to move on from the relationship. 

(Not sure if a relationship is healthy anymore? Use these journal questions to reflect on how your different relationships are making you feel.)

When you decide it’s time to end a friendship: 

Sometimes, you may not be ready to fully end the relationship, but the fact that you’re thinking about it shows there are some issues that need to be openly talked about between you and your friend. 

You can let them know you haven’t been feeling supported, or your time together has left you feeling worse than your time apart, or whatever it is that is making you think of ending the relationship, and see if they are able to work through the issues so that you’re both happy and supported. 

If you’re hoping for repair within the relationship, it’s not just going to be one conversation. There will probably be a series of them, but friendship, like any other relationship, is a commitment to continually making sure you’re supporting your friends the way they need support (and making sure you’re asking for that support in return). So if the two of you aren’t willing to do the long term work of intimate friendships, it may be best to thank each other for the time and love you’ve shared, and build your lives apart.  

If you are willing to do that work, you don’t have to do it without support. While most of our culture is focused on romantic relationships, you can get professional support with any type of significant relationship. In the book Big Friendship Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman explore their journey into relationship therapy and what it did to preserve and strengthen their relationship! 

Keep in mind: 

You have had a lot of time to think these things over. This may be the first time your friend is hearing or thinking about them; they will need time to process their own reaction.

You’re allowed to ask to not be part of that processing. Their feelings may be hurt and they may not be able to hear you “objectively” until they’ve made space for their own feelings, but you don’t need to be the one they work that out with. It’s fine to ask them to talk it through with someone else and to rejoin each other when you’re ready to have a constructive conversation. 

You can’t make someone understand you. You can let them know what you’re feeling and hope they hear you, but if they don’t it’s not your job to justify your feelings. Instead, tend to the hurt that comes with not being seen by a loved one, and figure out what will be best for you moving forward (no contact, some contact?) 

Discussing your feelings and vulnerable issues within a relationship is an act of love and takes a lot of vulnerability. Even if there isn’t a “happy” ending to the conversation, be proud of yourself for honoring the relationship enough to be authentic and vulnerable within it.  

If you’re having these feelings, your friendship has already changed. It’s not risking the relationship to let the other person in on what you’re feeling, it’s giving them a chance to be an active participant in your relationship. 

“Breaking up”: 

If you’re not able to find a way to both honor your own needs and stay in the relationship, it’s time to break up. 

We’re given a lot more social scripts and tools for ending romantic relationships, but not platonic ones. But the bones of it aren’t all that different–this is a person who has played a significant role in your life, who you have spent valuable time with, that you now have to say goodbye to. 

Platonic relationships aren’t given much significance in our culture (part of the American individualistic culture that prioritizes upward mobility and building your own life) which is why we don’t talk about platonic breakups, not because they don’t happen–or because they don’t need to happen. And with how common ghosting is within romantic relationships, it’s no wonder that silently exiting friendships seems to be the only way we know how to end all sorts of other relationships, friendships included. 

But friendships are intimate, important relationships. They help us build communities and come into our sense of self, offer places for support and joy and often function as family for those without close blood ties. 

Ending the relationship should be done in a way that honors that significance. 

In season 6 of the show New Girl, one of the main characters, Nick, decides he wants to end his relationship with his girlfriend, Reagan–with no conflict. He fumbles through attempts the entire episode until eventually, he buys them train tickets to San Diego, and gets off at a random stop, abandoning her on the train. Despite achieving his goal (the next time we see Reagan she has come to collect her things from their shared apartment) Nick somehow feels worse than when he decided he needed to break up with her. It’s in this moment that his roommate Aly clues him in as to why: 

“Maybe you feel terrible,” she says, “Because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you. And you ended it like it didn’t.” 

When relationships stop fitting in our lives, it doesn’t mean the time spent in them was a waste. We don’t suddenly lose the months or years of joy and love and support we found in that relationship. And ending the relationship should be done with care and intention, just like maintaining the relationship. 

If you’ve already tried to work through things, your friend may not be surprised to hear your relationship is no longer working for you. If you’ve never tried to talk to them about anything, expect them to be surprised. And expect to talk through what has brought you to this point. 

Try to come from a place of love, the love that the two of you shared for so long, and will continue to share from afar. 

When you decide to end a relationship, be gentle with yourself, it’s not an easy thing to do. Ending the relationship doesn’t mean you no longer love the person, just as can be true in romantic breakups, but compatibility is important in platonic relationships. 

To maintain long friendships you need both emotional compatibility and logistical compatibility, just like in romantic relationships (you just likely don’t consider romantic/sexual compatibility). Some friendships end because of logistical compatibility: this is when you can’t make your schedules work or prioritize time for one another, and the friendship sort of fades out. This sort of incompatibility can cause conflict: if you’re constantly making time or space for your friend and they don’t reciprocate, that can also end a relationship, while much less mutual than just “growing apart.” 

Personal/emotional incompatibility is probably what brought the two of you together in the first place. When this compatibility changes, it’s very hard and can bring up a lot of grief. Sometimes we have friendships that have lasted years, decades even, that we don’t have that personal or emotional compatibility or trust with  anymore. Those are often the hardest relationships to say goodbye to, even harder sometimes than ending a romantic relationship. It’s normal to feel grief over big changes, even when you know they are the right changes. 

Saying goodbye

Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table. - Tupac Shakur

It’s hard to say goodbye to any significant person in our lives. Give yourself space to grieve the end of the relationship and all of the ways that will change your life moving forward. 

Try to see the breakup as a way of preserving all of those wonderful memories you share with this friend. Knowing when a relationship no longer works and walking away accordingly can help keep it as a good memory when you’re able to work through your grief and look back. You don’t want to lose all the good the two of you shared, so recognizing that in your breakup can help bring it back to a place of love. 

While your relationship may not work any longer, you can acknowledge all the good your coming together did for each other, and keep those memories in your heart moving forward. 

For tips on how to deal with the end of friendship when it happens, read this blog. If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you.