6 Ways to Support Mental Health After Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy loss is multifaceted, and it impacts both mental and physical health. In the immediate aftermath of a miscarriage, you might experience a range of emotions and urges that feel confusing or even scary. Miscarriage is a major loss, even if it’s one that people often don’t talk about. 

Losing a pregnancy can be incredibly traumatic. Grief is already a difficult emotion to deal with, but the taboo around miscarriage adds to many people’s pain and suffering. Often, people who experience a miscarriage are encouraged to keep their feelings to themselves, which makes them feel even more alone. 

Another aspect of pregnancy loss is the complicated feelings it can bring up around your body and your health. It can be jarring and immensely stressful to think there is something wrong with you or your partner that is causing pregnancy loss, especially if you’ve experienced multiple losses. 

Miscarriage can also be expensive, especially for families who are already struggling with money, because they often require medical care or even surgery. Some people struggle to take time off work to deal with the aftermath of pregnancy loss. And in a post-Roe America, losing a pregnancy can even lead to legal consequences, which can make it even harder to seek proper care for your mental and physical health. 

The period after pregnancy loss can be complicated, emotional, and intense. If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, here are some ways to support your mental health in the aftermath: 

Allow yourself to feel your feelings

Feeling the intense emotions that accompany pregnancy loss can be intimidating. Painful emotions are difficult to experience, and we often do whatever we can to avoid the painful feelings, because they’re so distressing. However, emotions have to be felt to help them pass. Trying to suppress your intense emotions can work in the moment, but they can’t be suppressed forever.

In the moment, it can be hard to remember that the sharpness of this grief won’t last forever, even though the grief might not ever go away fully. Grieving is allowing yourself the time and space to let your life expand around the grief you feel. Eventually, this experience will make up just a part of your story, even if it feels like it’s your whole story right now. You’re not doomed to feel this intensely forever. Doing your best to allow the painful feelings to come forward when you’re able to cope with them successfully can make a big difference in processing your grief. 

Remember you’re not alone

Miscarriage is unfortunately all too common, but that doesn’t make going through the experience any easier. There are probably many people in your life that have experienced this kind of loss before, even if you don’t know about it. 

Even if you’re not ready to talk to people you know about it, you can look up resources online from others who have gone through this too. You can lean on the wisdom of those who have come before you during this complicated experience without even having to talk about it if you’re not ready. 

Talk about it (if you’re up for it)

You don’t have to suffer alone, and you don’t have to keep how you feel to yourself. You’re not the only person who’s gone through this, and you don’t have to get through this on your own. As humans, we naturally seek out connections with others, and those connections can be a powerful source of support during times of grief. If you feel ready to talk about it with someone you trust, don’t hold back. 

Speaking with other people who have experienced this type of loss can help you feel less alone, and give you ideas for how to get through this tough time. Sometimes it’s comforting to talk to friends or family, and sometimes it’s helpful to talk to support groups or a therapist. 

Try distress tolerance skills 

When we’re in crisis, it can often be a painful and scary experience. Distress tolerance skills, which come from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), are designed to help you make it through a crisis without relying on harmful or self destructive behaviors. 

Some of distress tolerance skills to try include: 

• Distract with A.C.C.E.P.T.S - doing something to take your mind off of the painful emotions you’re experiencing 

• Self Soothing with the 5 senses - using your senses to bring you back to the present moment 

• IMPROVE the moment - a set of skills to reduce distress in the moment using your mind and body

• Pros and Cons - weigh your choices to help you make decisions from your wise mind

• S.T.O.P. - to help you pause before engaging in destructive behavior

• T.I.P.P. - using your body’s chemistry to lower your distress level using temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation

• Turning the Mind - opening yourself up to eventually feeling acceptance 

• Radical Acceptance - lowering your distress by accepting what is, instead of fighting against it 

Be gentle with yourself

When you’re in the midst of something difficult and traumatic, it can be hard to find the mental bandwidth to be kind to yourself. That doesn’t mean that it’s not important to be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you go through this tough time. 

It might be hard to access kindness and self-compassion all of the time, but try to spend at least a few moments each day being kind to yourself. Try talking to yourself in the mirror, or saying affirmations to remind yourself that you’re worthy of care and love. 

Acknowledge your loss however feels right

One reason why miscarriage is so difficult is that it feels unacknowledged as a “real” loss by most of the world. Pregnancy loss is something that birthing people are pressured to keep secret, both out of shame and out of grief. An important part of grieving is to find ways to acknowledge your loss in a way that honors your feelings. 

Having a memorial, planting a tree, writing a letter, getting a tattoo, or wearing a piece of jewelry to memorialize your baby can be ways to acknowledge your loss and honor their memory. It’s okay to acknowledge how massive this loss is for you in whatever way feels right. 

Miscarriage can have a massive impact on mental and physical health. If you’re struggling to cope after pregnancy loss, working with a therapist can help you work through your feelings and find ways to grieve without shame. 

Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness have appointments available in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. Contact us to get started.

Self Kindness: Why it Matters & How to Cultivate It

What is self kindness?

How do you treat yourself? How do you talk to and about yourself? 

Kindness is a common value, and we can often easily see why others deserve kindness, while simultaneously struggling to give it to ourselves. But without extending that kindness to ourselves, it’s incomplete–and it makes it harder for us to have kindness and patience for others, when over and over again we bully ourselves down. 

Refusal of self kindness can be a sort of survival technique–if you have a history of being emotionally neglected or abused, being mean to yourself first may have been your route to survival. Once you’re out of an environment where that protects you, however, it begins to erode rather than strengthen your emotional safety and connection to others. 

When do we need to practice it?

Sometimes we make mistakes that we beat ourselves up for to no end. The voice in our head gets louder and louder and just won't stop. 

Why did you think that was a good idea? How could you have been so selfish? Why are you always messing up? Why can’t you do anything right? You just make everything worse!

Instead of motivating us to “be better” these thoughts mostly just lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and depression. They’re self reinforcing thoughts, because each time we make a mistake we punish ourselves for it as though it is the worst thing we could ever do–which only makes us more afraid to make a mistake, and more critical of ourselves when we do. 

Why does practicing self kindness matter?

No one is perfect, and no one’s job is to be perfect. When you make choices it’s important to know there are no right or wrong choices–there are choices that align with your goals and values and ones that don’t, but you always have an opportunity to make a new choice if one turns out not to match the life you’re trying to build. Self kindness is the first step to being okay with this process. 

Learning how to turn to self kindness in moments of distress is a practice, and something that will take time to cultivate. Here are 3 ways to start:

Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment, non-judgmentally, and with acceptance. Mindfulness is a powerful way to cultivate kindness and self-compassion because it helps you realize that you’re not your thoughts. Instead, you are the person observing your thoughts. You are the observer. The harsh self-critical thoughts are just that — thoughts — and not necessarily true. Moreover, mindfulness helps increase calm and reduce suffering and stress.

Practice Loving Kindness

As you meditate, send feelings of loving kindness toward yourself and for your loved ones, friends, or others. To do this, in your mind you can try reciting loving and kind wishes to yourself or others in your life. For example, you could say, “May I experience peace today, and greater awareness of the goodness of others.” “May I practice gratitude and take time to slowly enjoy my day.” You can also think of what you would say to a small child or a friend, and say them to yourself. For example, “You’ve been through a lot this past year. It’s okay if you’re feeling down. I’m here for you. I love you.” Practice this for at least one minute each day and slowly you’ll feel more compassion and connectedness.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Know that it’s okay to be human and to be imperfect. Actually, there is no one in this world who is perfect and we are all flawed and in this together. Know that there is a beauty in imperfection and vulnerability and in our humanity that is far greater than any perfection. Vulnerability not only increases our connectedness with others, but it allows us to see others and ourselves with softer, kinder eyes. Not eyes of harshness or judgment, but of love and humanity.

The process of becoming the people we are fully meant to be and toward being kinder and more compassionate and loving to ourselves is a lifelong journey. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. These three tips help provide a beginning point, but it can help to work with a supportive therapist to provide a safe space to work through some of these difficult emotions toward greater health and wholeness.

Need help practicing self kindness? Try using these affirmations. If you’re looking for more support to change your mindset, our clinicians can help you on the journey to being kinder to yourself. 

Finding a Psychologist: What to Consider

Are you looking for a psychologist?

If you’ve never been through the process before, it feels daunting! How do you go about finding a psychologist? Not just an effective one, but one who truly cares and connects with you?

To help, we put together this guide of considerations and steps to take when trying to find a clinical psychologist that’s right for you:

Take time to figure out what you’re looking for: 

At the start of your search, it’s important to take time to reflect on what issues you’re looking for professional support with. The type of psychologist you’re looking for may change depending on what particular issues you’re struggling with, and what treatment they specialize in. 

Once you understand what your needs are, it can help to develop an understanding of psychological treatment options and the current evidence-base underlying them. For example, the Society of Clinical Psychology, has developed this helpful resource on Effective Treatments for Psychological Conditions describing research evidence for psychological treatments. If you click on ‘Browse Diagnoses’, and then ‘Depression’, you’ll see that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the leading treatments for depression.

This information on treatment approaches can help inform your search for a therapist, as you would now understand that you are looking for a clinician who specializes in CBT for Depression, or a child psychologist who specializes in these domains..

Consider What Your Preferences Are

There are a lot of questions to consider when exploring your preferences: 

• Would you prefer working with a male or female psychologist? 

• Are you open to cash only practices or do you prefer to go to providers who accept your insurance? 

• How far are you willing to drive to see your psychologist? 

• Are you open to virtual care? 

• What setting do you prefer? A community clinic, hospital, or independent practice? 

• What is your budget?

These questions will all inform your search and help you identify potential clinicians to work with.

For example, when considering your budget, take a second to think about if you are willing to seek care from predoctoral clinicians currently in training. Predoctoral clinicians are often supervised by the clinicians with years of experience, a passion for mental health care, and a commitment to their work and training the next generation of psychologists. In addition, it is also a source of highly affordable psychological testing and evaluation services.

Start a List of Potential Licensed Clinicians. (Don’t be afraid to ask around!)

Do you have any health care providers that you enjoy seeing, whose care seems comprehensive and genuine? They’re a great resource for patients looking to expand their care. Ask them if there are any psychologists they would recommend–oftentimes, providers in the same community know of other providers who are well known for their clinical skill and effectiveness, and can refer to professionals they trust. 

Consider your social circle as well. Your friends and family may be able to offer referrals with their own firsthand experience and perspective. 

Search Online for Clinicians in Your Community

There are a number of websites online where you can search through listings of psychologists in your area and region. Using your understanding of your goals for therapy (e.g., current symptoms, available evidence-based treatments), and preferences (e.g., payment, child vs adult specialization, distance from your home), you can search through the following websites.

There are so many therapists that it can be overwhelming to look through directories. But as you look through, try looking at their personal statements to see what connects with you, or to look at their education, training, and work experiences, as these would deeply inform their therapeutic approach and style.

Below, is a list of national websites of providers, as well as ones specific to the Northern Virginia region.

• Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist

• Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies: Find a CBT Therapist Directory

• Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Find a Therapist

• American Psychological Association Psychologist Locator

• National Register’s Find a Psychologist

• GoodTherapy.org Find a Therapist

Contact Potential Therapists

Finding a psychologist to work with takes time. Compatibility is important and provides the foundation for therapy, so it is natural to spend time speaking and meeting with different therapists.

Sometimes you can call a therapist and get a sense of how you might like working with them on the phone. During this time, you can ask them if they use evidence-based therapies, and what their policies for fees and scheduling are, and if they are accepting new patients. Take notes on how the conversation left you feeling or what concerns/questions it brought up. 

Are you interested in CBT? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer CBT therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.

Coping Strategies for Managing Grief and Loss

Grief is a fact of life, but that doesn’t make it easy to deal with.

We will all feel grief at some point in our lives, because life involves change, and change activates grief. You can grieve for many reasons, including the death of a loved one, but that’s not the only source of grief in life. Grief commonly comes up around experiences that involve a lot of change, like moving, changing jobs, becoming a parent, struggling with infertility, dealing with chronic conditions, changes in relationship status, and more. 

To our brains, change is loss, and loss means grief. 

Grief doesn’t follow a timeline.

Grief doesn’t even always have stages. We commonly hear that grief has 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, but those stages were actually developed to describe what people go through as they face death, not to describe grief itself. While many grievers will feel like they relate to these stages, they’re not the only way grief shows up. Sometimes people have a hard time connecting what they’re experiencing to their grief, because they’re expecting grief to look the way it does on TV. In reality, grief is different for each person. 

For some things, the grief never goes away. We tend to imagine that grief lessens over time, and while the intensity can often decrease, many people who grieve have to find ways to integrate their grief into their new life. Instead of grief lessening over time, it’s more like your life grows and expands around the grief. Even this process can bring up grief, because it marks a change, and change often feels like loss. 

The truth about managing grief

Managing grief successfully means finding a way to accept that grief is a part of your life now. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to approve of the way you’re feeling, just that you don’t let yourself struggle against it anymore. Struggling to accept reality can cause a lot of distress that can be alleviated with acceptance. 

Learning how to ride the waves of grief is like learning how to manage any other intense emotion. It takes time and effort, and often the help of a professional to support you through it. 

In our culture, grief is a topic that’s often avoided. 

We assume grief should be private, or that there’s nothing that can be done when someone is grieving. Our cultural inability to talk about loss and grief leads to people feeling like they can’t share what they’re going through, which can make the distress of grief feel even worse. 

Thankfully, there are ways to help you feel less emotionally out of control when you’re going through grief. If you’re trying to find ways to manage grief, try these coping strategies: 

Release your expectations of yourself

Grief is different for everyone and everyone responds differently, so there’s no “right” way to grieve. Don’t beat yourself up for what you’re feeling as you grieve. Try to notice when you have expectations for yourself (often you’ll notice them when you start a thought with “I should…”) so you can become aware of how these expectations are making you feel. Grief is hard enough without giving yourself unreasonable standards to meet. 

Grief is one of the most intense emotions that we can feel. It’s going to take a lot of time and self compassion to cope with your new reality. You’re not going to be able to function the way you did when you weren’t grieving, and that’s okay. 

Ask for support to meet your basic needs

An important part of managing grief is finding ways to meet your basic needs. If you’re not taking care of yourself, everything else will feel so much worse. However, when you’re grieving, it can be hard to do even “simple” things like get out of bed, or finding something to eat. That’s why calling in reinforcements can be helpful. 

Is there someone in your life who can help make sure you’re getting enough to eat, taking your meds, and getting lots of sleep? It’s okay to ask for help when you need it. Lots of people want to be able to help, but don’t know where to start so making specific requests can actually be helpful when calling in extra support. 

Bring in a professional

Grief is complicated, and it has a far reaching impact in our lives. Sometimes, that means it’s best to get professional support as you navigate this experience. Whether it’s one on one therapy with a counselor who’s experienced in treating grief, or a group therapy session with other grievers, bringing in a professional to help you through this time can make a world of difference. 

A therapist who is experienced in grief counseling can help you make sense of your new world, cope with overwhelming emotions, and be more compassionate with yourself. 

Find ways to express the intense emotions you’re feeling

Emotions are intense, and they can lessen in intensity when we find ways to express them. Grief might leave you with less energy than normal, so you may need to adjust some activities to meet yourself where you are in this moment, but there are ways to express intense emotions, such as: 

• Exercise

• Somatic techniques, like breathwork

• Mindfulness

• Making art or using your creativity

• Crying

• Journaling 

• Talking it over with someone you trust

• Exploring spirituality and deeper meaning

Distract yourself 

Finally, grief is so hard, and it’s okay to distract yourself in moments when it’s particularly distressing. Distraction is a perfectly valid coping skill that can be a big help in times of intense grief. Here are some distractions to try: 

• Play a game (board game, video game, puzzles, etc.)

• Read a book

• Take a nap

• Get into a new show

• Make a playlist for someone you love

• Go see a movie

• Play with a pet or child

• Clean your space

• Bake or cook something

• Creating art of any kind

Are you looking for more support as you cope with grief? Working with a therapist can help you navigate the complexities of grief with self-compassion. Get in touch with our office today to get started.