7 Ways to Remember Your Lost Loved One

Loss is a universal experience, but it is still not something we are ever prepared for. No matter how much we understand about loss intellectually, when it happens to us, it’s hard to know what to do. Grief is something we will all feel at some point, and there is no set timeline for working through grief. There are stages to grief, but it’s not a linear process. Part of learning to live with grief is figuring out ways to honor the person you lost while managing your grief. 

Grief is difficult to talk about, especially since we still tend to shy away from expressing extreme emotions as a culture. A lot of people don’t know how to respond to someone who is grieving, because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing or making things worse, which can make the experience isolating. It might take some time before you feel ready to actively honor and remember your lost loved one, and that is okay. Remember, grief is different from everyone. What is comforting to one person might not work for you and vice versa. Someone else’s timeline probably won’t look like yours. 

It may take you some time to decide on ways to honor your loved one after their passing. You might go through some trial and error to find something that feels good for you. Remember, if something doesn’t feel good, you don’t have to do it. These ideas won’t eliminate grief or cure it, but they can help you sit with your grief and feel closer to the person you love. 

Here are some ways to remember your lost loved one: 

Donate in their name

One way to honor someone’s memory is to make a donation in their name. Is there an organization that was important to them or a cause that was near to their heart? You can donate money, time, or supplies to many organizations in someone’s name as a way to honor them. It may make you feel better to know that their name is out there doing good in the world. 

Keep a living reminder

Another way to remember someone is to create some sort of living reminder. Plants are a great way to do this. You can get a plant (it could be a favorite one of your loved one or a plant that makes you think of them) to remind you of the person. Taking care of the plant can be a nice outlet for the love and care that you still feel for your loved one. You could get a houseplant and keep it in a special place in your home, you could plant a flowerbox outside a window, or even keep a garden in their memory. 

Hold onto something of theirs

Keeping an item of theirs can help you feel like that person is still close to you. It could be a voicemail they left you, so you can keep hearing their voice. It could be a favorite shirt or stuffed animal, or piece of art, jewelry, or even household items like pots and pans. If there was something you used to do with your loved one, like cooking or traveling, it might be helpful to keep a memento tied to that to remind you of those times you had together. 

Donate their belongings

After you’ve gone through their things to find what you want to hold onto, you can honor their memory by donating some of their things. This is a nice way to share the love + memory of your loved one with others. Parting with their belongings might not feel easy, so don’t force yourself if you don’t feel ready. It can be nice, though, to think of their belongings getting a new life and bringing joy to other people. 

Make new traditions for holidays and big events

One of the times that grief comes up a lot is holidays or big events like anniversaries. Were there traditions they cared about for the holidays? Was there something special you used to do on birthdays or other special occasions? It might be painful to do things exactly as you used to when your loved one was with you, but you can come up with new traditions specifically designed to honor the things they loved about holidays or big events.  

Keep talking about them

Talking about emotions is always hard, especially when there is loss involved. YOu might feel weird talking about your grief all the time, but don’t feel guilty for sharing how you really feel. It can be really powerful to honor your emotions by naming them and asking for support from the other people in your life. Sharing happy memories, goofy anecdotes, or just talking about who they were as a person is a way to keep their memory alive. 

Write a letter to them

A common feeling that people have while grieving is the desire to talk to the person one more time. Obviously, writing a letter to them isn’t a perfect substitute for this, but it can be healing to express exactly what you want to say to them, even if you never show it to anyone else. If others are missing your loved one too, you could write letters as a group and read them to each other as a way to share + honor their memory. 

If you’re looking for support as you work through your grief, our clinicians can help you through this process. 

6 Ways People Have Described What Depression Feels Like

Do you know what depression feels like?

If you have never experienced depression, it can be hard to understand what it is really like to experience it. When you hear the word depressed, likely you think of sorrow or grief, but that often isn’t how depression shows up for people who deal with it chronically. 

While sorrow and grief can make you feel depressed, experiencing depression is much more than just those feelings. 

So what is it really like? Here’s how depression has been described by those who experience chronic depression: 

The emotional equivalent of watching paint dry: 

Does this sound weird? Think about what comes to mind when you hear the phrase “watching paint dry.” Probably boredom, perhaps exhaustion. This is what people who experience chronic depression can feel in the midst of a depressive episode. They don’t feel sadness or grief, instead it is like feeling nothing at all. No matter the situation–whether it is a typical day or an experience that would typically cause a highly emotional reaction, when going through a depressive episode it is like an emotional switch has been flipped. Instead of responding as usual, you are just sort of floating through your day, going through the motions without emotionally connecting to what is happening around you. 

Like you’re waking up at 10%: 

Imagine going to sleep and waking up just as tired as you went to bed. This is how depression can feel. If most of us start our day at 100% energy, depression can cause that number to come crashing down. Maybe you have half the amount of energy you usually have, or maybe you only have 10%.  

Like your mind can’t focus on anything: 

Depression also frequently impacts things like concentration. When experiencing depression it can be hard for your mind to latch on to any one thing for an extended period of time. It takes too much mental and emotional energy, so instead of exerting that energy (which you don’t have) your mind just glazes over, which makes it impossible to concentrate. 

Like your mind + body are not in your control: 

You can see from the examples above how you can lose control of your mind in the midst of a depressive episode, it can affect your body just as equally. Depression causes lack of sleep which can lead to increased rates of illness, headaches, digestive problems, and other aches and pains brought on as a direct result of declining mental health. 

Like constantly losing your train of thought: 

Like we covered above, it’s hard for your mind to concentrate when you’re depressed. That can make those experiencing depression 

Emotional and physical flatness

One of the most common descriptions of depression is that it is an overall feeling of numbness, or feeling flat. You feel flat, and detached from everything around you, feeling no emotional impacts of your surroundings, situations, or experiences, and it is hard to enjoy things or people or situations that you typically enjoy

Once you know how depression can affect those who suffer from it, you can make more informed decisions on how to best support them. Check out this post for more tips on how to support a loved one dealing with depression. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with depression, it can be hard to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some. 

4 Ways to Support Someone Struggling With Infertility

Sometimes, someone we love is going through something we have no experience with, but we still want to support them. That’s part of having relationships with people, romantic or otherwise - they’re built on care and mutual support. That’s why it’s so frustrating when someone is experiencing something that we can’t really help with, like losing a loved one, the end of a partnership, or even struggling with infertility. 

We still have a lot of cultural taboos in the United States, and talking about mental health, especially when it comes to the mental health of folks who can get pregnant, is difficult for many. Part of why it’s so hard to talk about pregnancy loss and infertility is because it’s still dismissed and not talked about openly.  We also tend to think that carrying a child to term is an easy, commonplace thing, but for some people, it just isn’t possible. As a society, however, we usually expect folks struggling with infertility to keep it to themselves. If someone you know has confided in you about infertility, that is a very big deal - that means they trust you enough to react appropriately and support them. 

The reasons that people experience infertility aren’t always understood, which can make the experience even more devastating. Some of the factors thought to be involved are genetic defects, viral or bacterial infections, hormone imbalances, and autoimmune disorders. However, much of the time there isn’t an easy answer as to why the person is struggling to conceive. 

It’s natural to want to support the people you care about, so if you know someone who is struggling with infertility, you’re probably looking for a way to genuinely help. Here are some ways to support someone experiencing infertility: 

Practice holding space

A lot of times our instinct is to help and protect the people we love, especially when they’re hurting. However, sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there and hold space for the emotions they’re going through. “Holding space” means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings instead of focusing on your own. 

Don’t ask, “Have you tried x?”

They have probably been working closely with their physician to figure this out - while asking “Have you tried X?” might seem helpful, it’s just unnecessary. Assume that they know their body and their medical history better than you. We often feel the need to throw out solutions when someone is in pain, but that probably won’t make the person feel better, only ourselves. 

Watch what you say in general

Feeling like they can’t talk about their experience with infertility can make the experience even more lonely. Some common responses to hearing about infertility are, “You can always try again,” "Whose fault is it?", "What's wrong with you?" “How are you paying for all that?" “Have you considered adoption?” “Maybe it’s not meant to be.” Most people who say these things don’t intend to be cruel, but these statements can minimize the grief and sorrow that the person is feeling. Instead of saying something just to say something, think carefully about how your words will be interpreted. 

Limit the baby talk

If you have kids or are expecting a child, it’s natural to want to talk about it. However, there are probably plenty of folks in your life who can handle these conversations - don’t push them on a friend who is dealing with infertility. Know that your friend probably doesn’t really resent you for your family, but it’s tough to talk about all the same. Try to be as kind and understanding as possible, and don’t take it personally if the other person needs some space from baby and pregnancy talk. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with infertility, it can be confusing to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some.