How to Tell Someone They've Hurt Your Feelings

We know that  honesty + communication are the foundation of good relationships–when we’re able to be honest we’re able to be our authentic selves, which only makes our relationships feel safer and more fulfilling. 

But we also know that all relationships have conflict in them (yes even if you avoid addressing it it’s still there!) Which means that there will be times when your feelings are hurt, so learning how to communicate that is crucial for any relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic or something else. Expressing hurt feelings is scary and vulnerable, so if you struggle with it, you’re not alone. It’s hard and it takes practice to feel comfortable with it, especially if your relationships haven’t been safe places for you to express yourself in the past. 

Telling someone you’re upset by something they’ve done takes a lot of courage, so be proud of yourself for it. It can feel like a risk–like they could be mad or upset or maybe even react unpredictably. It’s important to remember that while their feelings matter, you can’t control them and it’s not your job to prevent them from experiencing unpleasant emotions. It’s only your job to be honest about how you’re feeling and stick around to work through it if that brings up unpleasant emotions. 

So how can you tell them they’ve hurt your feelings?

First give yourself time to cool off + reflect

When you’re in the heat of it, it’s easy to get caught up in anger or irritation or defensiveness and say something you don’t mean. There may even be a desire to say something mean that will hurt their feelings, just as they hurt yours. When our emotions are heightened like that, we don’t always think clearly! That’s why taking a step back to collect yourself and calm down before addressing the issue can be a good idea. Don’t ignore your hurt feelings, but take some time to sit with them alone. Think about what it was specifically that hurt your feelings and why it did so that you know what you want to talk about when you go back to address the issue. If you’re still feeling angry or upset, you can do something like writing a letter you won’t send just to get those initial feelings out. 

Let them know you want to talk

If you’ve given yourself time to cool off and prepare, it’s only fair to offer the same to the person you’re talking to. Just give them a heads up that you want to talk, rather than jumping into a heavy conversation out of nowhere. You can say something simple like, “Hey I've been thinking a lot about X and there are some things I think we need to discuss. Is Y a good time?” This gives them a chance to compose their own thoughts and helps remove the risk of catching them unaware with a surprise serious conversation at the end of a bad day. 

Focus on your feelings

While your feelings might have been hurt by their behavior, it’s more productive for the conversation if instead of focusing on where the blame goes, you focus on the result which was your hurt feelings. So instead of concentrating on what they did or said, put the emphasis on what it meant for you. For example, “hearing you say X made me feel insecure/embarrassed/etc.” This removes “blame” from the conversation and focuses it on your feelings, allowing the two of you to come together as a team to problem solve. The two of you can unpack why it was that those feelings came up for you and how to be more sensitive to them in the future. 

Do you struggle to communicate when someone has hurt your feelings? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

How ADHD Presents In Adult Women

How ADHD Presents In Adult Women

Did you know that women experience ADHD at the same rates as men? The mainstream understanding of Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is that it makes you hyper and unable to focus. However, that’s not the only way that ADHD manifests. Part of the reason that women are underdiagnosed with ADHD is that they typically experience symptoms in a less noticeable way. We also tend to think that ADHD is only diagnosed in kids because that’s what is the most common. It’s actually possible for someone of any age to be diagnosed with ADHD. Adults, women, and minorities might not have the “classic” type of ADHD so it’s not as obvious when it comes time to diagnose what is going on. 

ADHD can present in multiple ways.

The most well known type is hyperactive/impulsive, which includes the “classic” symptoms mentioned above. This type is more common in men. Another type of ADHD is inattentive, which is more common in women and girls. The last type is a combination of the first two types. Hyperactive/impulsive ADHD can look like fidgeting, interrupting, constantly moving, restlessness, talking a lot, mood swings, and impatience. Inattentive ADHD can look like trouble focusing, forgetting, disorganization, and lack of attention to detail.  

While the underlying disorder is the same in men and women, the way symptoms present tends to be different based on gender. 

Another reason that women are underdiagnosed with ADHD is that the symptoms are explained away as personality traits instead of as symptoms. Think of the ways we describe girls: flighty, forgetful, spacey, daydreamer. These could all be a sign of ADHD, but instead these signs are often ignored or dismissed in girls and women. Sometimes women are diagnosed with anxiety or depression instead of ADHD when they reach out for help. 

So how do ADHD symptoms present in adult women?

If you’re an adult woman and you’re wondering if you have ADHD, here are some signs to look out for:

• Feeling overwhelmed by sounds and distractions, especially loud, crowded environments

• Lack of self regulation and self-management

• Being withdrawn and shy in social situations

• A cluttered home or workspace

• A disorganized at home or workspace

• Feelings of inadequacy

• Low self-esteem

• Chronic stress

• Feeling like you forgot something all the time

• Having a hard time focusing in conversations

• Excessive spending

• Feeling like a bad friend or relative

• Having a hard time relaxing

• Feeling like you aren’t living up to your potential

• Believing your life is out of control

• Feeling shame for the way you cope

Many women with ADHD feel overwhelmed.

They feel like their lives are out of control, but they have a hard time sharing that with others. Day to day tasks may seem impossible when you’re struggling with ADHD. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed constantly by your day to day life, ADHD could be the culprit. 

Sometimes women experience co-occurring disorders with ADHD, which just means that another condition is also present along with the ADHD.

Some disorders that commonly coexist in women with ADHD are:

• Substance abuse 

• Eating disorders

• Sleep disorders

• Mood disorders

• Anxiety disorders

Sometimes these disorders cause symptoms that are similar to ADHD symptoms, so it can be tricky to diagnose what’s what. As you can see in the list above, sometimes the symptoms of ADHD look like other things, like depression or anxiety. However, understanding the full picture of what’s going on is important for treatment and to start feeling better. 

The first step to feeling better is understanding what ADHD looks like in adults, especially adult women. Once you’re aware of what the signs are, you can be on the lookout for these symptoms and seek treatment when you notice them.

ADHD is very treatable, and you don’t have to be trapped in your overwhelm forever. 

If you’re interested in an evaluation from a psychologist to determine if you have ADHD (or something else), you can get tested at Hope+Wellness. We will leave no stone unturned to look at questions you have but also questions you don’t even know you have — so that you can walk away from the evaluation with definitive answers you are seeking, along with a personalized roadmap ahead. 

5 Coping Strategies to Try When You’re Feeling Anxious

Do you struggle with anxious thoughts?

Anxious thoughts can be hard to control–and when they start to spiral they only grow in their intensity which makes it even harder to pull ourselves out of that loop. We all go through times occasionally where it feels like our thoughts are running the show–like they control us instead of us just observing them–but when you live with anxiety this feeling could be happening all the time. 

So how do you manage it?

Managing anxious thoughts is hard work. It’s not going to be a simple one-size-fits-all solution. For a long term plan, talking to your therapist about treatment options, including ongoing therapy and medication, is a great idea. But anxiety doesn’t always wait until the one hour a week you’re in session. And while your therapist will definitely be able to work with you to determine what coping strategies are the most useful for you, it’s helpful to have a few already in your back pocket to try. 

It’s also important to remember that just because something works to ease one person’s anxiety, doesn’t necessarily mean it will be effective at easing yours. We are all unique, so if a recommended method doesn’t work for you, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that there is a better, more effective way for you to manage your anxiety out there, and whichever method didn’t work just isn’t right for your specific case. 

And often, not every method will work every time. That’s why it’s helpful to have a few different ways to try pulling yourself out of those anxious thought spirals. When one doesn’t work, you can try something else instead of working harder at something that isn’t helping you. 

Here are 5 coping strategies to try when you’re feeling anxious: 

Develop a mindfulness practice

Mindfulness is a practice designed to teach us how to be in the present moment. This is great for anxiety because frequently, anxious thoughts will take you out of the present moment, and drag your thoughts through lots of hypotheticals about things you can’t control or things that may happen in the future. By practicing mindfulness, you’re practicing the skill of resisting those thought spirals in order to stay grounded in the present moment. If you’re unsure where to start, try one of these 10 mindfulness apps!

Grounding techniques: 

Grounding is a practice that is intended to allow you to connect your body back to the earth. It is similar to mindfulness, and uses many of the same skills. When you are focused on your connection to the earth (ex. how the bottoms of your feet feel resting against the ground) you are forced to stay in the present moment, just as you are with mindfulness. You can find examples of grounding techniques to try here.

Don’t take the anxious thoughts at their word: 

Your anxiety is telling you that all of those anxious thoughts running through your head are true or realistic, but stop and ask yourself: is that really the case? Ask yourself: Is this thought true? What evidence do I really have to support it? What could a different possibility be? 

Get the thoughts out: 

When we sit with our anxiety, sometimes it builds. Instead, having a healthy outlet for those thoughts can help release them, reducing their power over us and allowing us to move on instead of fixating on them. You can do this with a therapist, but a method you can use outside of session is to journal about them! Don’t worry about whether the thoughts are true or if your writing makes sense, just use the journal as a space to expel those anxious thoughts. 

Move your body: 

You might not notice your thoughts getting anxious. Instead, you might experience physical symptoms of your anxiety (sweating, headaches, stomachaches, trouble sleeping, difficulty breathing, feeling shaky, etc.) But movement is a simple, easy way to release that tension in the body. It can be as simple as jumping up and down, or turning on some music and dancing. You can find other ideas for ways to move your body to help with anxiety here. 

If you need help creating a plan for your next bout of anxiety, our clinicians can help you find one that works for you. 

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

Breaking up is hard. When we think of breakups, we often think of the end of a romantic relationship, but any kind of relationship can end. Ending friendships, or friend breakups, is especially hard, no matter which side of the breakup you’re on. Some people feel that breaking up with a close friend is actually worse than breaking up with a romantic partner. Either way, a breakup is a breakup, and it’s normal to feel pain and confusion after a relationship of any kind ends. The end of a friendship means the end of an era- no more trust, no more intimacy, no more fun. Coming to terms with this change can be really difficult. 

We have a lot of cultural messages telling us that friendship is supposed to be for life (“Best friends forever!”), so it can be a great source of shame to lose a friendship. Losing friends is also tough because it can majorly change your support network. When a romantic relationship ends, we usually count on the support and encouragement of our loved ones, like our friends and family. After a friend breakup, turning to that friend is no longer an option, which can be really hard to grapple with.

Why do friendships end? 

Friendships are like any kind of relationship - they are all unique. Some are situational, like when you work with someone. If you’ve ever left a job, you know that sometimes you don’t stay as close to your former coworkers as you did when you worked together. Some friendships come from being in the same school or town, and once one of you is no longer local the friendship fizzles. Some friendships fade away and some end with a disagreement or conflict. No matter how your friendship ended, it’s hard. Adjusting to the fact that you can’t rely on that person the way you once did takes work and time. It might be hard to open yourself up to a close friend for a while, and that’s okay. It’s a big adjustment, and it’s okay to follow whatever timeline you need. 

If you’re struggling with a friendship breakup, know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through this kind of pain, and whatever reaction you’re having is valid.

Here are some of our top tips for dealing with a friend breakup:

Update your social media settings

If you’ve gone through a friend breakup, you might even find it hard to deal with years after the fact. Friends are such an integral part of our lives that it can be tough to remove someone completely. You might still see old pictures of them around, you might be reminded of a trip you took or an inside joke you used to have with them. Social media websites might constantly bombard you with memories of years past, which can be really heartbreaking post-friend breakup. You can turn off that feature on many social sites, so if you’re in the midst of a friend breakup you might want to protect yourself that way. You can always revisit it once the pain isn’t as fresh. 

Focus on what you learned in the relationship 

Every relationship teaches us something. Some relationships teach us how to communicate, how to value ourselves, how to set boundaries, how to love someone, and some even teach us how relationships end. This might be hard at first, but focus on the good parts of what you learned from each other. Relationships aren’t failures because they end. All relationships end at some point, and it’s okay. Learning how to process and move forward from the end of a relationship is an important skill. 

Talk about it

One of the reasons why losing a friend is so hard is because there’s a sense of shame associated with it. When your BFF is no longer your forever friend, you might feel unworthy, rejected, or confused. This is because so many people keep their friendship breakups to themselves. It’s okay to talk about it and explore your feelings with the rest of your support network. Talking about it with a therapist can help you make sense of your emotions. When more people talk about the struggles they have with something, it can help us all feel less alone. 

Forgive yourself

In the aftermath of this relationship ending, you might be searching for reasons why. You might be blaming yourself for the things you did or didn’t do. You might be wondering what’s wrong with you. It’s okay to acknowledge that you played a role in the friendship ending. However, you don’t need to keep beating yourself up about it. You’re a human. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re also allowed to forgive yourself for those mistakes. That doesn’t mean you are going to do it again or that you haven’t learned. Forgiveness is a gift you can give yourself so you don’t feel the need to ruminate on what went wrong between you. Acknowledge what happened, admit you did the best you could at the time, and tell yourself “I forgive you.” 

Losing a friend so hard. If you’re dealing with the loss of a friendship that was important to you, know that there’s nothing wrong with you and you will get through this. Talking about it in therapy can help you come to terms with the loss and cope with your reaction in a more personalized way.

If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you.