Mindfulness Tips for When You’re Having a Bad Day

We all have those not so good days. Whether it’s because of something that happened at work, a fight with your partner, an uncomfortable family situation, or something else entirely, bad days happen. There is no way to avoid the occasional bad day - we can only control our reaction to it. When we're caught up in the idea that we're having a ‘bad day’ it can become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. We suddenly notice that every red light takes too long to change or that people are misunderstanding us more than usual. When we’re already agitated, it takes very little to push us the rest of the way over the edge. That’s where mindfulness can come in handy on a bad day.

When you’re in the middle of a bad day, you might feel like there’s nothing you can do to feel better in the moment. Depending on the situation, that might be true. However, mindfulness can be a helpful tool to have in your mental toolbox for when tough stuff comes up. Relying on mindfulness can help you make the most of your bad day and gain a sense of peace. 

What is mindfulness? 

Mindfulness can be a transformative practice that helps you learn to sit with your thoughts and focus fully on the here and now. Instead of worrying about the future or overanalyzing things that already happened, mindfulness is focused on what is happening now. The most important part of mindfulness is remembering not to judge yourself. When you’re actively trying to focus on the present, you will notice a million different thoughts trying to get your attention. It’s okay if they do. Mindfulness is a practice, and it takes time to learn how to let your thoughts move past without engaging them. If you notice your focus slipping, gently remind yourself that you’re focused on the present moment. It can help to have an affirmation to repeat to yourself when this happens to gently redirect your attention. Try something like “I’m focusing on the present moment now,” or paying attention to your breathing to help you stay present. 

How can mindfulness help with a bad day? 

Mindfulness teaches us to notice without judgment. When you’re having a bad day, you might have a hard time admitting that it’s a bad day, because that sounds like giving up or giving in. However, we can’t change anything if we don’t recognize it first. Admitting it’s a bad day won’t make it any worse, it just means you can acknowledge it and try to move on from there. 

Do a body scan

Where are these bad day feelings living in your body? Do you feel a heaviness in your chest or gut? Do you feel tension in your neck? Close your eyes and scan your whole body, from the top of your head down to your toes and see where the discomfort is hanging out for you. When you recognize that your feelings can be felt in your body, you can have a little more compassion for yourself. After all, if you have an ache or pain, it’s okay to treat that! It’s the same with emotional or mental pain. 

Remind yourself of the facts

Mindfulness can also help us realize that our feelings aren’t facts. We might feel like our world is ending on a bad day, but what do the facts say? Take a deep breath and separate your feelings from what’s actually going on. Remind yourself that you’ve had bad days before and you’ve gotten through every single one. If it helps, remind yourself that all days end and this one will too. 

Get it out on paper

Sometimes no matter how hard we try to focus on the present, our thoughts continue to jumble up in our heads and make us feel worse. When that happens, it can be helpful to talk or write out what you’re feeling. Grab a journal or make a voice memo in your phone and let yourself write or talk for a few minutes. Try setting a timer and give yourself that amount of time to write about it, and when you’re done, imagine closing the cover of your journal or pushing the stop button on your phone as letting go of those thoughts. It might take some practice to help you get used to dumping your thoughts and worries this way, but it can be freeing to get them all out of your head so you can focus on feeling better. 

Distract yourself

When you’re in the middle of a distressing day, a distraction might be helpful to take your mind off things. Not all distractions are bad - if it helps you to stop ruminating on what’s wrong with your day, it can be a game changer. Try distracting yourself with joyful movement, cooking, making art, cleaning, or something else that is fun but also challenging. 

Use your senses to self-soothe

If you’re feeling extremely distressed, soothing yourself can be essential. Try using your senses to soothe yourself. Pick 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Keep going through these until you feel less agitated. You can also do breathing exercises like box breathing to help calm yourself down. 

Having a bad day is no fun, but it’s the reality from time to time. Instead of being stuck when those days come up, adding in mindfulness skills to your mental health toolbox can help support you so you can get back to feeling like yourself in no time. If you’re looking for support starting a mindfulness practice, our therapists can help find what works best for you. Contact us today to book a session. 

10 Blogs to Read for More Intimate Friendships

Friendships are some of the most important relationships we have in life. 

Some we’ve known since childhood, and they’ve been with us through family stress, romantic ups and downs, personal identity struggles, career changes, and more. 

Some friendships we find in adulthood, once we’ve learned more about ourselves and we’re able to show up more authentically. Even if these friends haven’t been around as long, they can be just as special and significant as childhood friends. 

No matter how we came to find these relationships, they occupy a special spot in our lives. 

When things go wrong in life, we call our friends to commiserate. When good things happen, we want to celebrate with them! Often our relationships with friends are some of the strongest, most authentic relationships we have because they are based simply on enjoying time spent together. There is no sense of obligation as there can be with family, or pressure to please like we can often feel with romantic partners. These relationships become a space in which we can be fully ourselves and find support we can’t get in other places. 

Because of this, friendships can feel like an easy, magical piece of our lives. But like any other relationship, in order to have true intimacy, the relationship will sometimes require hard (or uncomfortable) work! We live in a culture that values romantic relationships as the most significant relationships in a person’s life, so there are a lot of spaces and resources to find support for difficult times in your romantic relationship. But there aren’t as many for platonic relationships–even though they too can be some of the longest lasting and most significant relationships in our lives. 

We believe that all relationships are important–you need a garden of support in your life, and many different relationships to fulfill the many different parts of you. 

But supportive friendships take work. Like when you have to:

Let your friends know when they’ve hurt your feelings:

“Telling someone you’re upset by something they’ve done takes a lot of courage, so be proud of yourself for it. It can feel like a risk–like they could be mad or upset or maybe even react unpredictably. It’s important to remember that while their feelings matter, you can’t control them and it’s not your job to prevent them from experiencing unpleasant emotions. It’s only your job to be honest about how you’re feeling and stick around to work through it if that brings up unpleasant emotions.”

Read the full blog here.

Stop yourself from comparing yourself to your friends:

“Too much comparison can also be damaging to your relationships. When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.) It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationship.”

Read the full blog here.

Set a difficult boundary: 

“Because discussing boundaries can make us feel so vulnerable, some of us have a tendency to react drastically when they are violated. There can be an urge to cut people off automatically–an attitude of “if they can’t respect my boundary they can’t be in my life.” Which is appropriate when a boundary has been repeatedly ignored or violated! However, if it’s the first time it’s happening, it likely was not done out of malice. Address the issue directly, and move on if there is no improvement.”

Read the full blog here. 

Make space for an experience you can’t relate to:

“Do you have a loved one who deals with chronic pain? If you don’t experience chronic pain, it can be hard to understand just how much it can impact someone’s life. While for most people, pain is unusual, a sign that something needs to be tended to immediately, for folks who manage chronic pain, it is a constant state.” 

Read the full blog here. 

“We’ve talked about this before, and went over four helpful ways to support someone struggling with infertility, but what about things that aren’t helpful? Learning what questions or topics to avoid to be respectful of the pain your loved one is experiencing is just as important as learning methods of support.”

Read the full blog here. 

Practice accountability: 

“When you’re close with someone, there’s a level of vulnerability. The people we are close to have the power to bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives, but they also have the power to hurt us more deeply than acquaintances or strangers. If you’re not sure you can trust the other person to be honest with you, admit when they’re wrong, and take steps to repair the relationship when necessary, it’s harder to feel close to them.”

Read the full blog here.

Make some hard decisions when a friendship has run its course: 

“Ending a relationship of any kind is never easy. As humans, we are wired for connection, so it can be confusing and painful to end a connection that was special to you. Sometimes, ending a friendship will come after having conversations with each other about boundaries or expectations. You might feel better if you approach them with a conversation first instead of just ending things right there. There might also be situations where you feel better ending the friendship without talking about it first. Whatever way works for you and your situation, know that it is okay to feel a bunch of conflicting feelings about ending a friendship. You might feel relieved to not have to deal with them anymore. You might feel sad remembering the good times you had together. You might be angry at the way they treated you. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay.”

Read the full blog here. 

“Platonic relationships aren’t given much significance in our culture (part of the American individualistic culture that prioritizes upward mobility and building your own life) which is why we don’t talk about platonic breakups, not because they don’t happen–or because they don’t need to happen. And with how common ghosting is within romantic relationships, it’s no wonder that silently exiting friendships seems to be the only way we know how to end all sorts of other relationships, friendships included.”

Read the full blog here.

“Adjusting to the fact that you can’t rely on that person the way you once did takes work and time. It might be hard to open yourself up to a close friend for a while, and that’s okay. It’s a big adjustment, and it’s okay to follow whatever timeline you need. If you’re struggling with a friendship breakup, know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through this kind of pain, and whatever reaction you’re having is valid.”

Read the full blog here. 

Remember, while important conversations and learning to sit with discomfort is crucial for all intimate relationships, we should also make space for joy and celebration of those relationships too! Or else, what is all of that work for?

Adult relationships can get messy sometimes, and it can be a relief knowing that you’ll be able to talk it all through with someone who gets it. Get in touch with us today to get started!

Why Being Bored Is Good for Your Mental Health

How often do you allow yourself to be bored? 

Boredom has a reputation for being a negative state of mind, but boredom actually has benefits for your mental health, like improving creativity, curiosity, and self-control. 

Everyone’s brain is different, so boredom can be an individual experience. Some people’s brains (like certain folks with ADHD, for example) crave more stimulation and experiences, and so their threshold for what’s boring will be higher than someone whose brain works differently. What makes you feel bored won’t necessarily make your best friend or sister or coworker or neighbor feel bored. 

Boredom doesn’t mean mindlessly numbing out, like by scrolling through social media. Boredom, without distractions, can make you feel restless or distressed because it forces you to feel your feelings and be in the present moment, both of which are hard to do.  

Feeling bored can feel stressful for a few reasons:

Cultural pressures 

In our capitalist world, we often measure ourselves by our productivity levels, even if we don’t realize we’re doing it. It always seems like there’s something else to do and that taking a break is lazy or selfish. Remember, you don’t exist to be productive. You can do absolutely nothing and you’d still be a person worthy of love, care, and respect. Offer that love, care, and respect to yourself when you feel cultural pressure to always keep busy. 

Unused to being with yourself 

Being present with yourself can be hard, even painful. When we’re in the moment with no distractions, it can be hard to deal with the thoughts, feelings, and urges that come up. Sometimes we stay so busy that we don’t leave enough time to check in with ourselves and process our thoughts and feelings. It can feel scary to slow down enough to be with yourself, especially if it’s been a while. Learning how to be present with yourself takes time, so don’t be too hard on yourself when it’s tricky. 

We are afraid of being boring (vs being bored)

There’s a somewhat common phrase that says “only boring people get bored.” Beliefs like this contribute to people being afraid to be bored, even though boredom is actually good for you. 

Just because you have moments of boredom in your life doesn’t mean that you yourself are boring. It’s impossible for you to be entertained every single minute of every day without being disconnected from yourself and your needs. Figuring out how to take care of yourself requires introspection, or looking inward and feeling our feelings, even when they’re hard. Doing this doesn’t make you boring - it makes you human. 

Unsupportive coping behaviors

Some people fear or resent boredom because of the way they (or their loved ones) cope with  being bored. Coping skills are meant to help us through tough situations, but they don’t always support us long-term. Some people cope with boredom by acting in self destructive ways or by lashing out at others. Some people cope by using substances or engaging in risky behaviors. Not everyone copes this way, but the negative associations you might have with how people cope when they’re bored might contribute to the way you think about boredom. 

How is being bored good for your mental health? 

Even though being bored can bring up some complicated feelings, it’s actually beneficial to your mental health in a few ways. Being bored: 

Gives you time to process

Our brains do a lot in the background, even when we feel bored. When we give ourselves time to rest and do nothing, it gives our brains a chance to process and encode what’s going on. It takes a lot of cognitive power to go through day to day life, and giving your brain a break lets it play catch up. 

When you’re bored, this processing might be done in the background, where you don’t notice it, and sometimes you might process things more mindfully. Thinking through your day, reflecting on things you learned, and even daydreaming can help you process your thoughts and feelings if you give yourself the time to do it. 

Boosts creativity 

Have you ever tried to figure out a problem, and then after taking a long shower or a nap, the answer felt like it was right in front of you? Sometimes giving yourself some space to be bored and to do nothing frees up your brain to find new solutions or make connections that you couldn’t make with so much on your mind. 

Boredom when done right, with no distractions, gives your brain a chance to wander. You might notice new things that you’ve missed before, or reflect on what’s going on. Using your imagination in moments of boredom can help you think in ways you don't normally, which can help boost creativity. 

Allows curiosity

Our brains crave excitement and novelty, and when you’re bored you give yourself a chance to be curious. Curiosity and our search for excitement often lead to important breakthroughs on a personal level and on a cultural level. Being bored can help people think of new solutions to problems, or to take action on something important. Without boredom, we would have fewer opportunities to be curious and explore new things. 

Improves self-control

Learning how to be bored is a skill that many of us have forgotten about, or didn’t learn in the first place. We have screens with us almost constantly now, so it’s really easy to avoid boredom by finding somewhere to scroll. Letting yourself be bored gives you a chance to exercise a little self-control instead of opting for mindless distraction. 

Getting yourself comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of boredom is an important skill.  There are lots of uncomfortable emotions out there that we can’t avoid. Learning how to regulate yourself emotionally during those moments is a skill that you can rely on in the future, no matter what comes your way. 

Are you looking for more ways to support your mental health? Working with a therapist is a great way to learn more about yourself and what your specific needs are so you can feel more aligned with who you are. Reach out to our office today to get started on your mental health journey.