6 Things Not to Say to Someone Struggling with Infertility

Infertility is a painful thing. And unfortunately–even though infertility affects about ten percent of women in America–talking about it still seems to be taboo or unwelcome–which means that we were probably never taught how to support someone in that situation. 

We’ve talked about this before, and went over four helpful ways to support someone struggling with infertility, but what about things that aren’t helpful? Learning what questions or topics to avoid to be respectful of the pain your loved one is experiencing is just as important as learning methods of support. 

Just like with any painful loss or emotional trauma, there are things we won’t want to talk about or won’t feel comfortable sharing. And while you may mean well when asking them or your intention may be to give a supportive comment or encouragement–your statements might not be as helpful as you think. It might actually just add stress or distress to your loved ones experience, and possibly make them feel more alone. 

Below are 6 things to avoid saying to someone struggling with infertility: 

“Everything happens for a reason” or “It will happen if it’s meant to”

While these seem like positive, happy alternatives to the painful reality of infertility, they are actually diminishing how hard this is for your loved one. Someone who wants their family to grow and wants to be pregnant–and who is experiencing very real grief over not being able to do those things–does not want to hear that their suffering was fated or for a higher purpose. They want their pain to be seen and validated, not ignored. 

“Have you tried X,Y,Z?”

Chances are: yes they have tried. More importantly, it’s not really your business what they have tried! Trust that they have consulted a doctor and gone over their options. And remember that even if there are other options left, they are still grieving a loss right now. They may eventually be ready to try something else, but they also might be depleted and weary from continually trying to get pregnant and not being able to (or not being able to stay pregnant). 

“This happened to my other friend, and it worked out fine for them!”

There might be a time when your friend is ready to hear about success stories from someone else, but right in the midst of them dealing with their own loss is not the time–even if it’s a story intended to give them hope. They may have already tried what worked for your other friend, or what worked for your other friend might not work for them. It’s best to trust that they know their options best, and just be with them as they grieve instead of trying to solve the problem for them. 

“Why don’t you just try adoption?”

Again, this one implies that they did not consider all of their options. And it implies that the existence of other methods of growing a family negate or invalidate their pain. Neither of these things are true! And, of course, adoption is not a simple thing. It’s a complicated process that needs careful attention and consideration. It’s not just something you decide to try on a whim! There is also a lot of pain in discovering your body is not capable of doing something you have wanted your whole life–and that (rather than the inability to have a child) could be where the grief of infertility is stemming from–and adoption doesn’t fix that. 

“You’re lucky not to have kids! All of your time can be spent on you!” 

People struggling with infertility don’t want a child because they think it will be easy. They want a child because they want their family to grow, they want to nurture and love and care for someone new. While being able to dictate exactly how you spend your time and money without having to worry about kids to raise might seem nice to stressed parents at the moment, but it’s not helpful to someone who desperately wants a family and is unable to make it happen. 

“You’re probably too stressed, that’s why you’re having problems.” 

It’s actually not true that being stressed before fertility treatments lowers their chances of success. This is one of those things that makes sense in our heads (of course if our bodies are too stressed, they won’t work properly) but in this case, there is not enough evidence to truly support a connection. Not to mention, saying the words “you need to relax!” has never helped anyone’s stress levels. Instead, maybe ask your friend or loved one if there’s anything you can do to help their current stress. Can you make them dinner so they don’t have to worry about it? Run to the grocery store for them? If you’re worried about them being stressed, instead of making a comment about it, offer to lift some stress off of their shoulders. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with infertility, it can be confusing to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some. 

Managing Covid Anxiety in the New Year

Hello again, and happy new year! 

2020 was an extremely hard year for all of us. But, while saying goodbye to it certainly feels great, saying hello to a new year might not have felt as nice as it has in years past. We are still navigating life in a pandemic, and we still don’t have a clear idea on exactly how things are going to go–even now with a vaccine available. 

If this uncertainty has caused your anxiety to surge as we greeted the new year: you are not alone. While there is hope that the end is in sight because of the vaccine, we are still carrying grief and worry for the health and safety of one another in the meantime. And, there is fear that we will be helpless to stop 2021 from being just as difficult as 2020. 

So it’s no wonder many of us are still feeling unease, even with this fresh start from the new year. 

This year, instead of starting off with resolutions and intentions, instead let’s focus on what this last year has taught us about our emotional and mental health needs, and make a survival kit of sorts for managing anxiety in 2021. 

There are as many reasons for feeling anxious as there are people.

 And while it is likely stemming from the fact that we are living through a highly stressful time on both a national and global level, chances are your anxiety is rooted in something a bit more specific. 

We’re all struggling with how little we can control right now, so of course this would be a major source of stress and anxiety for us. In the last year you likely either spent almost all of your time at home (quarantining, social distancing), or had to work in extremely stressful and often unsafe situations. We weren’t really able to do anything other than that. Which means that we missed a year of opportunities, socializing, meeting new people, and working towards our own goals. 

Of course, we can’t magically make it so that 2021 is a more vibrant, social, year.

But there are some things within our control, and if this is a major source of anxiety for you, it can be helpful to remind yourself exactly what those things are. 

What you eat: 

This is only to a certain extent–you can’t control if you have allergies, or what food is available to buy, and it can of course be restricted by budget. However, nourishing ourselves is one thing where we tend to control all of the decisions we make about it. 

If 2020 felt like a year where your life was put on pause, caring for yourself through food can be a great way to un-pause in one small area. A few examples of this can be: 

• Trying new cuisines: If you tend to eat the same thing over and over again, trying new food is an easy way to get some variety into your possibly monotonous pandemic-life. If you’re a good cook, you can buy a cookbook and work your way through it, or you can try different local restaurants to see what you like best. You could even make it a game with your friends! Each week one of you could pick a new place to try and you could eat together on zoom (or in person if they’re part of your bubble!)

• Asking someone to teach you to make their favorite meal: this is a great one if you’re also itching for some more social connections. Ask your friends or family what their favorite meals or desserts are, ask them to send you the recipes, or ask them to zoom with you and walk you through how to make it! 

• Explore your heritage through food: How connected are you to your family, your ancestors, or your cultural heritage? If it’s something you want to get more involved with or connected to, learning traditional meals can be a fun way to get started. 

How you speak to yourself: 

This requires some work sometimes (that’s where therapy comes in!) but remember that while so much of the world is out of your control, you can be the kind of person you want to see in the world, and you can start with the way you speak to yourself. In fact, having to spend so much time with yourself right now is actually a great opportunity for you to examine how you talk to yourself in times of stress, and shift to something kinder. 

A suggestion: begin and end each day with an affirmation. Look in the mirror and say “This is really hard, and I’m doing my best. I’m proud of myself for all that I’ve been able to accomplish, and I forgive myself for not being able to accomplish as much as I want. I deserve rest and care as much as anyone else.” 

Even if you don’t think you will believe it, hearing it and watching yourself say it repeatedly can make a difference in the way you talk to yourself. 

How you spend your free time: 

Again, this is restricted a bit, since we’re living in a public health crisis and for the most part have to stay home. But within your home, your free time is under your control. 

If you are in lockdown/quarantine, free time probably feels monotonous. And, honestly, you might be thinking that there is just nothing left to do. While that may be true, to get yourself out of the cycle of sitting around being bored, I suggest doing one thing each day that is different from the day before. They can be small things like going for a walk around your neighborhood, listening to a new podcast, doing a craft, baking something, etc. Even this small variety can help quench that desire for more from your daily routine. 

If you are an essential worker, and have free time you are able to control, make a list of things that make you feel nourished, refreshed, cared for, etc. that you can do in your free time. Then when you are home, take that time to care for yourself in a way you choose that feels right to you. Again, try to mix it up from day to day so you aren’t feeling like you are stuck in an endless cycle.

When you ask for help: 

It is scary to ask for help, but remember that we all need it from time to time. Especially now. If your anxiety has grown with the start of the new year, it is probably time to ask for help. Whether that’s through asking friends for a little more support, or finding a therapist, recognizing that you can’t manage everything all on your own is vital.  

If you’re looking for support as you work through your anxiety, our clinicians can help you through this process.