5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

Friendship is a special kind of relationship. Friendships often transcend romantic or familial relationships. Our friends may know the most intimate versions of ourselves, and that kind of intimacy is special. We often hear phrases like “friends forever!” and assume that it’s true- and for many friends, it is. However, lifelong friendships aren’t the only friendships that are worth having. Some friendships are based on proximity or common interests, and those things can change over time. It can be a source of great shame to have a string of former friendships in your past, but it’s actually very normal. There are all sorts of reasons that friendships end, but ending a friendship is a very hard choice to make. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re allowed to voice your needs and you’re allowed to draw your own boundaries. The most important thing is to continue treating people kindly and with respect. 

When we think about breakups, we tend to think of romantic relationships. However, you can break up with friends too. There are a lot more resources out there for dealing with the end of a romantic relationship than the end of a friendship, which can make it hard to cope in the aftermath. Some friendships end with a mutual decision, some end with a disagreement, and some just sort of fade out. Each type of ending can be painful in its own way, even if you’re the one who ended the friendship. 

Ending a relationship of any kind is never easy. As humans, we are wired for connection, so it can be confusing and painful to end a connection that was special to you. Sometimes, ending a friendship will come after having conversations with each other about boundaries or expectations. You might feel better if you approach them with a conversation first instead of just ending things right there. There might also be situations where you feel better ending the friendship without talking about it first. Whatever way works for you and your situation, know that it is okay to feel a bunch of conflicting feelings about ending a friendship. You might feel relieved to not have to deal with them anymore. You might feel sad remembering the good times you had together. You might be angry at the way they treated you. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. 

Here are a few reasons why you might consider ending a friendship: 

You feel worse after you spend time with them

How do you feel after you spend time with this friend? Do they leave you feeling rejuvenated and calm, or tense and upset? We all have bad days, but if this person regularly leaves you feeling hurt or disrespected, it might be time to have a serious conversation about how they treat you. You are allowed to have expectations for the way people treat you and if people can’t meet them, you don’t owe them a relationship.  

You no longer work together or live near one another

Many friendships are proximity-based. Think about friends from high school or college, or different jobs that you’ve had. After you leave that common space, you don’t always stay close. That doesn’t mean that the friendship wasn’t meaningful to you or important, it just means that when you no longer have things in common, the friendship might naturally fade. We all have different resources available to us, and you might not have the capacity to manage all of your friendships all of the time. It’s natural to sometimes let relationships go. 

They violated a boundary or your trust

If someone has violated your sense of trust, it can be hard to stay in friendship with them. Friendships are intimate relationships, which thrive off of trust. When that is broken, it can be difficult to stay close to one another unless you both commit to doing some serious communicating. That might not be what you want to do, and that’s okay. Trust is a basic tenent of many relationships, and its okay to end a friendship when you no longer feel that trust. 

You feel taken advantage of

Do you contribute equally to the relationship, or is your friend always asking you for favors but never reciprocating? All relationships have some give and take, but over time it tends to even out. Are you always the one initiating plans? Do they only contact you when they need something from you? If you only hear from someone when they can get something from you, it’s natural to feel frustrated and resentful after a while. Friendship is supposed to be mutual, so if you’re doing all the work, it might be time to end things. 

Your interests change

Lots of friendships start around a common interest, like hiking or games. Our interests often change over time, especially when we have new experiences. Sometimes, what interests you no longer does and you move on. It might be painful to leave people behind, but as your interests grow so will your potential pool of new friends. 

Ending a friendship is a hard and personal decision. What is right for one friendship might be totally wrong for another. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. Our needs change over time, including the needs we have in relationships. Friendships take work and trust, and sometimes that’s just not possible or practical.

If you’re looking for support as you decide to end a friendship, therapy can be a great place to cope with the loss of an important relationship in your life. 

Setting Boundaries: Why You Should & What to Say

What is a boundary?

A boundary is something that is used to protect your mental, emotional and physical energy. They are “bounds” we put on ourselves within different relationships to make it clear “hey this is my limit! That’s all I can handle before I need to rest/recharge/spend time alone/etc.” Boundaries are not punishments we use to keep people away from us. In fact, they kind of operate as the opposite! When we have healthy boundaries, we’re able to show up much more fully in our relationships–which will bring us closer to the people in our lives, not further away. 

There are several areas in our lives where boundaries are useful. These include: 

• Material: AKA your things. What is yours? What’s to share? What is sacred/special to you? How do you share? (can people take and let you know, do you want them to ask permission first, etc.) 

• Relational: AKA your interactions with others. This involves determining what’s appropriate in your different relationships. How personal are you within each relationship? How much of your time/energy/etc are you willing to devote within relationships? Who will you go out of your way for? Who can just pop over to your house? Who do you feel comfortable loaning money to? What forms of communication outside of in-person are you comfortable with? Do you have boundaries on who you follow/interact with on social media? Who are you comfortable sharing your address with? 

• Physical: AKA your space & body. This would be things like who comes over to your house, who is allowed in your bedroom, who has your address. It also of course includes boundaries regarding your body, like who can touch you, when you’re open to being touched by others, how you’re comfortable being touched, your personal space, etc. These boundaries are all about how people can behave around you and in your space. 

• Time: AKA your time–how do you want to use it? When you have obligation-free time, how much of that is devoted to social time, and how much is devoted to alone time? This can also cover how you tend to prioritize when hard choices come up and you can’t balance everything like you thought you could. For example, if something comes up that makes two obligations conflict with one another, how will you decide which to skip/reschedule/etc.? 

• Emotional: AKA your emotions -- how do you separate your feelings from that of another person’s? How will you take responsibility for your own emotions versus that of another’s? Or avoid letting another person’s feelings influence or dictate your own? 

Setting boundaries isn’t just deciding on your own limits and operating under the assumption that everyone will learn them as you go.

They are things that require clear communication in order to work! While the boundaries you set might be clear and obvious to you, you’re a unique person! What makes sense to you might not be what makes sense to someone else. When you’ve decided on a boundary, make sure you communicate it to the relevant people so that everyone has the opportunity to honor the boundary. 

Setting boundaries also often means needing to reinforce them. 

Whether intentionally or not, boundaries get violated sometimes! If someone slips up and crosses a boundary you’ve set, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. We all get a little scatterbrained sometimes, they may have momentarily forgotten the boundary you set with them. Just gently remind them of it, and let them know it’s something very important to you. 

Because discussing boundaries can make us feel so vulnerable, some of us have a tendency to react drastically when they are violated. There can be an urge to cut people off automatically–an attitude of “if they can’t respect my boundary they can’t be in my life.” Which is appropriate when a boundary has been repeatedly ignored or violated! However, if it’s the first time it’s happening, it likely was not done out of malice. Address the issue directly, and move on if there is no improvement.  

Below are some examples of ways you can begin conversations about boundaries: 

Setting boundaries: 

• “I’m open to you just dropping by, but please just text me when you’re on your way so I have a little notice. I want to be more flexible because I know it’s important to you but I will feel less anxious if I have a small amount of structure or routine.” 

• “There are a few groceries I paid for separately–please ask me before you use them, I bought them as a special treat for myself. Everything else we can share as usual.” 

• “Please ask me before you borrow my clothes. I’m happy to lend them to you, but sometimes I have plans and I want to wear certain things, so just ask me if I need the piece before you borrow it.” 

• “I’m not in a spot where I can loan you money right now, but I’d like to support you any other way I can. Is there anything else I can help take off of your plate while you manage this problem?” 

• “I’m happy you feel comfortable around me, but I’m not ready to move forward in our relationship yet. I’d like to go on a few more dates before kissing/going back to your place/labeling the relationship.”

• “I appreciate the invite! Since it’s last minute, I’ve already made plans with myself, but I’d like to see you sometime soon! When’s the next time you’ll be free for lunch?” 

Reaffirming boundaries:

• “I just want to remind you to please not discuss diets with me. I don’t find it appropriate for the workplace. If it’s going to be a topic of conversation please let me know so I can remove myself from the area.”

• “I’ve enjoyed dating you but if I have to keep reminding you to slow down like we’ve discussed, I can’t continue seeing you.” 

• “I just want to remind you that I don’t answer work calls/emails after X. You can leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you when I’m back in the office!” 

• “I’m a little frustrated because I’ve mentioned this several times before. If you continue to violate this boundary, I’m going to have to do what’s best for me and not spend time with you anymore.” 

• “I’ve told you before I’m not comfortable with that, please stop asking me.” 

• “Hey, just wanted to remind you that the groceries I marked and put away separately were ones I bought specifically for myself. I know we usually share, so I understand if you forgot! Just going forward if you could not eat those specific items I would really appreciate it.” 

If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

The way that you treat yourself matters. Have you ever noticed the way that you talk to yourself? There are lots of reasons why we’re harder on ourselves than on anyone else. Some folks experienced abuse growing up that taught them not to expect any compassion. Others had caregivers who weren’t nurturing or who constantly criticized them. We hear a lot about self-love, especially in therapy spaces, but self-love isn’t always within reach for people. Starting with self-compassion can be a great way to build up your resilience and confidence. 

What is self-compassion?

Simply put, self-compassion is being nice to yourself. The idea of self-compassion is drawn from Buddhism. Being kind to yourself might sound really simplistic, but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. Many of us have a voice in our heads that chimes in when we mess up. That voice is called the Inner Critic, and it can be hard to notice it sometimes. There are times when we’re so immersed in beating ourselves up that we don’t even consider that there’s another option. However, there is always another option. Being kind, gentle, and understanding to yourself is always a choice you can make, it just takes practice to remember that that’s an option. 

Think about it: when someone has tried to motivate you by being mean to you, did that ever work? Probably not, right? It’s hard to get people to listen to you and respect you if you’re being a jerk all the time. The same is true for your brain! If you’re constantly being mean to yourself, eventually your brain will internalize the message that there is something wrong with you. You might even get to a place where you don’t want to try anything because you're sure you’ll mess it up somehow. If this is how you’re feeling, know that there is hope. Just as you learned to be unkind to yourself, you can learn how to be kind to yourself instead. It takes practice, and it won’t happen overnight, but you can begin to change your internal narrative that you’re not good enough. 

Here are some exercises you can to do cultivate more self-compassion:

Write down what your Inner Critic says

Sometimes we don’t even realize all the negative stuff our Inner Critic is saying. A great way to start to build up your self-compassion is to start to keep track of what your Inner Critic is saying. When you know what your Inner Critic is up to, you can focus on correcting those assumptions and silencing that voice in your head. Keep a note in your phone or a page in your journal where you write down what you say to yourself. Try to keep track for a few days so you can start to see patterns in your thinking. What are the common themes that you struggle with? How can you rewrite what your critic says in a more compassionate way? 

Write a letter to yourself

Writing can help us get in touch with our feelings and lessen the sense of shame we feel for our feelings. From a place of kindness and compassion, write yourself a letter. If it helps, imagine you’re writing to a younger version of yourself. What would you want them to know? Are there things you’re ashamed of or that you judge yourself for? Try to get it all out on the page. Sometimes the physical act of writing can help us begin to process our feelings and identify patterns in our thinking. 

Pretend you’re talking to your BFF

If you talked to your best friend the way you talk to yourself, they probably wouldn’t be your friend anymore. So why do you talk to yourself like that? Try to approach yourself with the same sense of compassion and gentleness that you would use with your friends. You deserve to be treated with respect, even from yourself. 

Forgive yourself

Is there something that you need to forgive yourself for? Holding on to this feeling of guilt and shame will only make you feel worse over time. Take a look at what is bringing those feelings up for you. Remind yourself that you were doing the best you could at the time. If there are things that you could have done differently, acknowledge that and remind yourself that you’re capable of changing. It might help to write this down in a journal so you can revisit it when that old shame pops it’s head up again. You are worthy of your own forgiveness. 

Remind yourself that perfection doesn’t exist

Perfectionism can distort our thinking. The idea that we have to do everything perfectly or not at all is destructive. You don’t have to be perfect, and that’s not a reasonable expectation to have of yourself. If your caregivers in the past demanded perfection, remind yourself that that’s not the only way. Holding yourself to impossible standards is a recipe for resentment, burnout, and shame. You are good enough just as you are right now. 

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches us to connect with the present moment. When you’re in the middle of a self-shame spiral, it can be a game-changer to gently remind yourself to slow down, take some deep breaths, and focus on the present. Notice your thoughts without judging them. A mindfulness practice is a great way to practice not judging yourself. If you start to slip into judgment mode, gently let those thoughts pass. Remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. 

Do things that bring you joy

You deserve to feel joy, and sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Make time (as in, put it on your schedule) for doing things that bring you joy. Feeling joy + motivation can let you see yourself in a whole new light. Also, doing things you enjoy can be confidence-boosting - with practice you’ll eventually improve, and being good at something can be a powerful feeling. Even just the act of trying new things can make you feel happy, no matter what your skill level is. 

Being kind to yourself sounds simplistic, but it can be really tricky to break the habit of being mean to yourself. Cultivating self-compassion is something that takes time and effort. If you’re looking for guidance and support as you work on your self-compassion, a therapist can help you on this journey.

Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!