What is Emotional Regulation?

Have you ever felt like your emotions were controlling you?

Maybe you were in an argument, or just got bad news, or one more thing in the midst of a really bad day went wrong and made you feel like you couldn’t stay calm anymore. Suddenly your feelings were overwhelming you, like a dam broke, and you were too emotional to think through your behavior. 

These are times when emotional regulation skills would help.

Emotional regulation isn’t about stopping yourself from feeling certain emotions, or ignoring your emotions and responses, but putting you back in the driver's seat when they become too powerful. Instead of being ruled by your emotions, you can learn to be informed by them. Emotional regulation skills help give you what you need to slow yourself down and respond instead of react.

Respond vs react: what’s the difference?

While the two are often used interchangeably, there is actually a difference between reacting and responding. Reacting is purely emotional, whereas responding is an exercise in emotional intelligence. When we react, we don’t think about our feelings or how they’re influencing our actions–in fact we generally don’t think through our actions at all, it’s instant, in the moment, and fueled by powerful emotions. 

Responding on the other hand would be slowing down to think about what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling it, and what that feeling means. It helps you honor your feelings by taking time to investigate them, while still using logic and values to guide your actions. 

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation itself refers to the ability to manage your emotional reactions. Essentially, it’s just slowing down and thinking before you act. Our emotions can offer us important information about ourselves–what is important to us, what we feel vulnerable about, how we relate to others around us, etc.–but they don’t often reflect the objective truth. Practicing emotional regulation allows you to both honor your feelings by giving you a chance to reflect on them and what they’re telling you about yourself, while not letting your behavior be ruled by them.

How can you practice emotional regulation?

An established mindfulness practice is a great tool when it comes to emotional self regulation. Mindfulness itself is the process of allowing your thoughts to pass by without clinging to them, keeping yourself firmly in the present moment, engaging with all of your senses to stay grounded. In that way, different mindfulness practices allow you to slow down and notice your emotions, as if they are leaves floating down a river, rather than something that defines your reality. How can you mindfully self regulate? 

First, practice identifying + naming your emotions.

When you start to notice your feelings taking over, make yourself pause and ask: what is it I’m actually feeling right now? This can be hard, we’re not usually taught to slow down and identify what it is we’re feeling. Start with a feelings wheel! It’s a great tool to use if you’ve never practiced naming your emotions. Start at one of the 7 general emotions (bad, fearful, angry, disgusted, sad, happy, surprised) at the center, and move out to get more specific until you find what it is you’re feeling. 

Another way to practice emotional regulation is cognitive reappraisal.

When you’ve identified what you’re feeling, you can accept the thought you’re having, while still assuring yourself that it’s not necessarily true. Cognitive reappraisal is a skill used in many types of therapy including CBT and DBT, so this is something you can work with your therapist on as well as try to practice on your own. 

Take the thought you have based on whatever strong emotion you’re feeling and replace it with a new, more positive or neutral possibility For example: “My friend sent me straight to voicemail so they are mad at me,” can turn into “My friend sent me straight to voicemail, they must be busy. I’m sure they’ll see the missed call and check in when they have time.”

Emotional regulation takes intention and practice, don’t get discouraged if it’s not something that comes naturally to you. Working with a therapist can give you more ways to regulate your emotions and feel like your old self again. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

We all go through seasons in life, and some are harder than others. When times are tough, it can feel like it’s impossible to make yourself feel better. Understanding how our nervous systems respond in tough times can help us come up with better ways to soothe ourselves when we feel distressed. 

It’s no secret that times are tough right now. Not only are we still dealing with the pandemic and its aftermath, we’re also dealing with war in Europe, rising inflation, climate disaster, and the biggest ideological divide in the US in history. In short: it’s tough out there. 

Even with all of this going on, most of us are still holding ourselves to pre-pandemic standards  of productivity, which is leading to burnout, resentment, and stress. This constant stress and fear can lead to our nervous systems being overwhelmed, leaving us feeling distressed and out of control. 

Why does my nervous system get activated when times are tough? 

You may have heard of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is activated when we’re in hyperarousal - it controls the fight or flight response. Where the sympathetic nervous system brings you out of your window of tolerance, the parasympathetic nervous system brings you back down and helps you feel calm. 

When we feel threatened, our bodies take that seriously. This can happen even if you’re not consciously aware that you feel threatened. Whether you’re on board or not, our bodies look for ways to keep us safe at all costs. This can lead to several responses you may be familiar with: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

Humans are animals, and as such we have animal-like instincts that take over when we sense danger. 

Fight or flight is when you either prepare to run away from danger or toward the danger to engage. These reactions take you above your window of tolerance, into hyperarousal. 

On the other hand, when feeling threatened leaves you feeling numb and disconnected, you experience the freeze response. Similarly, a fawn response happens when you try to please someone else to avoid conflict. These responses take you below your window of tolerance, into hypoarousal. 

Ideally, we stay within our windows of tolerance because that is the state of mind where we’re most likely to make good decisions and meet our own needs. Going above or below can feel distressing, so the goal is to get back to that window of tolerance. 

What’s wrong with how I cope now? 

The ways we cope aren’t always supportive of who we are now and the goals we have. We learn coping skills when we’re young, and what we need to cope and feel safe as youngsters is often not the same as when we grow up. Running away or fighting aren’t how we tend to solve problems as adults. It’s hard to get things done if you’re stuck in a freeze response, and the lengths you often have to go to avoid conflict when fawning are exhausting. 

Even if a coping mechanism you use seems like it’s a problem now, remember that you developed it to keep yourself safe. It’s okay if it no longer serves you, but try your best not to judge yourself for doing what you needed to in the past to cope. Just as you learned to cope before, you can develop new coping skills that actually help you instead of causing distress. 

How can I soothe my nervous system in tough times?

Here are 5 things to try, see how they work for you: 

Move your body

Many times, bringing your focus back to your body can help connect your physical experiences with what’s going on in your head, and can help you feel less out of control. Moving your body is also a great way to shake off the excess energy that comes up when our nervous systems are activated. If you’re feeling numb or disconnected from your body due to hypoarousal, movement can help get you back in touch with your physical self. 

Sometimes intense movement can feel good when your nervous system is activated, but it doesn’t have to be difficult exercise to have a benefit. Anything that gets you moving around - dancing, cleaning, gardening, etc. - can help you feel better in moments of distress. 

Hum or sing

Did you know that humming or singing can help soothe your nervous system when it’s activated? Both humming and singing can stimulate the vagus nerve, which is basically the connection between your brain and your body. It helps control things like your heart rate and digestion. When this nerve is stimulated, it activates your parasympathetic nervous system and can bring you back into your window of tolerance. 

Since this nerve runs from your brainstem to your colon, right through your throat and past your larynx (voice box), it can be stimulated by your voice. When you feel like you need to soothe your nervous system back to your baseline, try singing or humming for a few minutes.

Play with temperature 

Using temperature to soothe your nervous system can also be helpful. Whether you feel your system is hyper or hypoactive, focusing on the temperature of something can help distract you back into the present moment where you can realize you’re safe. 

Try holding onto an ice cube in each hand or even taking a cold shower. Some people also find dunking their head into cold water can make a big difference in lowering distress. It might sound strange, but it gives you something else to focus on while your nervous system calms down enough to relieve your distress. 

Lengthen your breath

When we feel stressed, often our breathing rate picks up and becomes more shallow. It takes mindful effort to take deep full breaths when this happens, but it can make a huge difference in how you feel. 

Sometimes our breathing rate shifts without us noticing, and focusing on taking slow, deep breaths in and out can help with calming down. Breathwork is the practice of conscious, controlled breathing. There are many different breathing patterns that can help with various goals: relaxation, meditation, sleep, focus, and more. You can try different breaths on your own, like box breathing, or follow a guided breathing session on youtube or a meditation app. 

Meditation session or guided mindfulness session

Sometimes our nervous system decides it senses danger (like when life gets tough) and it feels like it takes off without us. Before we even know what’s happening, we’re in distress. That can be such a frustrating feeling. Our systems were set up to look for danger to keep us safe, but that system doesn’t always work perfectly. 

Sometimes our system warns us of danger that isn’t there, or shuts down to protect us when there is no reason to. When this happens, focusing on the present moment can help you regain your sense of awareness. Instead of your body and brain running away without you, you can remind yourself where you are and that you’re safe. It might even feel helpful to say to yourself “I’ve got this now,” or “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Knowing you have your own back is a powerful feeling. 

Are you looking for more ways to soothe your nervous system in tough times? Working with a therapist can help you explore what’s going on in a holistic way, where we take your whole life and experience into account as we support you with your goals.

Therapy is a great opportunity to learn coping skills that you can take with you into the future, no matter what comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

3 Tips to Manage Regret More Mindfully

We all have regrets. It’s normal to look back on moments from your past and wish you handled them better–it’s something that happens as we grow and learn. But allowing regret to live in your mind all of the time doesn’t help you, and in fact it could be holding you back. 

So how do you acknowledge regret without letting it take over? Why is it important to not let it take over in the first place?

Regret, when dealt with mindfully, is a sign of growth. If you’re looking back on an old situation and seeing new, better ways to handle your role in it, that means you’ve done some personal growth between then and now. You’ve matured, gotten to know yourself a little better, and now you can see that you had other options you didn’t see when you were in the moment. 

That by itself is a good thing!

You can take that growth moving forward, and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation you can be confident that you have the tools to navigate it in a healthier way. It’s when you find yourself fixating on that regret that it starts to be a problem. That fixation prevents you from moving forward. Instead, you stay stuck in that moment you wish you handled “better” often feeling not just regret but shame or guilt too. 

What if we said that when you do that, you’re putting unfair expectations on your past self?

The reason you’re able to look back at old situations and see new options is because you’ve worked hard on yourself in the time between. You’ve experienced more and learned from each experience.  When looking back on moments you regret it’s important to remember that in those moments, you didn’t know what you know now. You made the choice you thought was right or best at the time with the tools you had available to you, you just have more tools available to you now. 

So how can you manage that feeling of regret without letting it take over? Here are 3 tips: 

Practice self compassion: 

You made the choice you made for a reason. None of us do things out of nowhere, we’re all motivated by something. Sometimes it’s logic and sometimes it’s our feelings, even if we don’t realize it. Look back at the moment and accept that you didn’t handle it the way you would now, but ask yourself: why did I feel this was the only way I could handle the situation? What made me overlook or afraid to make a “better” choice? Can I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now?

Investigate the regret:

What is it you’re regretting? When you take time to look back on the moment you feel guilt or shame about, where is that guilt or shame stemming from? Pinpointing that will help you identify your values, and the ways in which you’ve grown in the passing time. It’s important to recognize that growth and celebrate it, as well as use past mistakes as an opportunity to learn. 

Use it as a lesson: 

Noting the ways you’ve grown in the passing time can help you figure out how you would handle it if you found yourself in a similar situation in the future. Asking yourself “how do I wish I behaved in that moment?” will give you the roadmap to what you should do if you face the situation again. It’s not a bad thing to say “I handled this poorly in the past, but now that I see how, I’ll know how to do better in the future.” Remember, we’re all learning as we go. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s good to own up to them–it shows you know more now.  

If you’re looking for more support to change your mindset, our clinicians can help you on the journey to being kinder to yourself.