How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

Self-care is such a buzzword these days that pretty much anything can be spun as self-care. Not everything you do in the name of self-care is actually good for you, though. Businesses have found that appealing to people’s need for self-care to be a very effective marketing strategy, and so the lines of what is actually self-care have become blurred. It can be hard to figure out if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

The purpose of self-care is to make you feel rejuvenated. Life isn’t only about being “productive”, but self-care in general should make you feel as though you’ve accomplished something. 

Avoidance, on the other hand, is draining. It doesn’t feel good to keep putting things off or pushing things away, because there’s always the fear that they’ll come back at any moment. 

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is a coping mechanism that people use when they’re trying not to think, feel, or do something difficult. The problem with avoidance is that it doesn’t deal with the root of the problem, it just pushes it down for another day. This can backfire, unfortunately. You may have experienced this before, where you try not to think about something and then it’s the only thing on your mind. 

Sometimes, doing something can be avoidance in one context and self-care in another. For example, if you have a deadline coming up to apply for a program, it’s probably not productive to spend all day playing video games. Those actions keep you from doing what is on your mind. On the other hand, if you’ve just finished up a big project and need to blow off some steam, playing video games can be a perfect outlet. 

Avoidance might be a way to self-sabotage, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Imagine that you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months and you have developed feelings and want to get a feel for how they are feeling.  

However, you don’t want to open yourself up to criticism or rejection by putting your actual feelings out there - what if they laugh? What if they leave? The what ifs can be immobilizing at times, which is why avoidance is such an attractive option. Instead of having to deal with being rejected, you can do the rejecting by simply refusing to do anything.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem at hand - clarifying what the relationship expectations are, it just kicks it down the road to be dealt with later. 

In the scenario above, you might start to feel resentful that you’re shouldering the emotional burden on your own instead of being able to communicate openly with your partner. That resentment might lead to you wanting to spend less time with them or even ending your connection altogether.  

If you put something off or shove it down long enough, it will find its way out. Avoidance is a coping strategy, but it’s not one that works forever. After a while, you’re going to have to deal with whatever it is one way or another. 

So, how can you tell the difference between avoidance and self-care? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to assess if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

What is the intent?

Most of the time, it comes down to the intent behind it. Avoiding behaviors often come up automatically without us having to think about it. Our brains do what they can to protect us, and they sometimes try to keep us from having to do or feel something painful. Self-care, however, is a more consciously made choice. Avoidance often feels mindless- like when you pick up your phone and then boom, suddenly 2 hours are gone and you don’t know where they went. 

Is this proactive or reactive?

Often, self-care is proactive, to help make life easier for future-you while avoidance is in reaction to something. An example of proactive self-care is making plans with your friends in advance so you make sure to have time with each other. Avoidance might look like canceling plans with a friend who you need to have a serious talk with. Is this action going to help future-you? Or is it helping you avoid something or someone? Be honest with yourself. 

What is underneath the urge to avoid? 

There’s almost always something underneath the urge to avoid something, and it’s helpful to do some digging to find out what it is. Maybe it’s fear of confrontation, or fear of rejection. Perhaps you don’t want to be criticized or pitied. Whatever it is, try to explore what is going on beneath the surface to get to the root of what’s going on. 

Is what I'm doing keeping me connected to the present moment? 

This is a great question to ask yourself to determine if you’re avoiding or caring for yourself. Avoidance is designed to distract you from what is stressing you out, so a lot of times it means checking out of the present moment. Self-care, on the other hand, brings you back to the present moment, or at least keeps you from ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

How do I feel afterward - more or less stressed? Numb or energized?

Self-care is supposed to help relieve stress, not add to it. It’s not only about taking it easy and indulging every impulse. Sometimes self-care is tedious, but it should ideally leave you feeling less stressed and more energized. 

Since avoidance is all about pushing away difficult feelings or situations, it often adds to your stress level overall. It is stressful to always feel like the other shoe is about to drop. Avoidance might even feel like numbness or fatigue, where you’re not sure what you’re experiencing. If you tend to find yourself feeling more stressed after engaging in self-care, there may be some avoidance going on.

The tricky part of this is that everyone’s self-care needs are different, and they change all the time.

You’re the expert of your body and your experience, so you might have an idea of what works for you. If you’re looking for more support as you develop your own self-care practice, working with a therapist can help. Get in touch today to get started with one of our expert counselors. 

5 Mental Health Benefits of Spending Time in Nature

5 Mental Health Benefits of Spending Time in Nature

Have you ever felt mentally refreshed after spending time outside?

The idea that getting some fresh air can be beneficial to health is not a new one. It’s go-to advice for many people, because being outside in nature actually is good for you in a number of ways. 

Physically, moving your body can help you release stress, process emotions, and feel more energized. Mentally, spending time outside in nature can leave you feeling more mindful of the present moment and connected to the world around you, which can boost feelings of happiness. 

Most of us spend almost all day staring at some screen or another, and it takes its toll on our mental and physical well-being. Our bodies haven’t evolved to support us as we sit and stare at a screen, so spending all day doing that can lead to some pretty serious aches and pains. Heading outside when you have the chance is a nice change of scenery!

Nature means different things to different people. You don’t have to be deep in a forest or at the top of a mountain to benefit from nature - you can get just as much from a walk down the street as a long hike. What matters is being present to enjoy the moment and notice what’s happening around you. 

Why is nature so good for mental health? Here are 5 mental health benefits of spending time in nature: 

Helps you practice mindfulness 

Research has shown that feeling connected with nature plays a role in how it benefits you. The more strongly you feel connected to nature and the environment around you, the more positive impact on your wellbeing.

To feel more connected to nature, practice noticing your surroundings, and using your senses to take in all the information that nature has to offer. Focus on each sense one at a time to help make sense of what you’re experiencing and as a bonus it will help keep you in the present moment to enjoy it while it’s happening. 

Lowers your stress level

Life moves pretty fast, and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. Stress is something that we all deal with, but we don't all deal with it well. Some coping skills are more supportive than others, and spending time outside might help you feel less stressed than your other options. 

For example, if you’re stressed about work, you can cope in a number of ways. Just to name a few, you could vent to your friends, zone out in front of the TV, move your body, engage in a hobby, or practice positive affirmations. You could also go outside and let nature help. 

Spending time noticing what’s going on around you - which plants are growing, what animals you see or hear, the feeling of the breeze on your face - gives you something else to focus on while you calm down. In fact, research has found that being outside lowers levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, so the stress-lowering powers of nature can actually be measured. 

Improves concentration 

If you feel like you have a hard time concentrating on things these days, you’re not alone. Research has reported that our attention spans are getting shorter with the popularity of screen time and social media. In 2000, the human attention span was measured to be approximately 12 seconds, and by 2015 it had shrunk to just 8.2 seconds. 

Fortunately, spending time outside can help improve concentration and other cognitive abilities, so when you’ve had enough screen time, try heading outside.  

Gives a sense of wonder and awe

Life is a beautiful, wonderful mystery, and spending time in nature can reinforce that. Nature is often beautiful, awe inspiring, and helps us feel connected to something larger than ourselves. When we spend time in nature, we can see the ways that everything interacts with each other and realize that we are part of the interaction too. 

We can walk on ground that’s been there for millennia, and gaze up at trees that have been growing for hundreds or even thousands of years. Nature can inspire gratitude, wonder, and awe, which are all beautiful parts of being alive. 

Changes your perspective 

Nature can give us a perspective that is otherwise too abstract for our minds to understand. We often think of time in terms of the human lifespan, but nature is on a different timeline. Nature takes her time, and the bigger picture is slowly revealed. 

Think of the Grand Canyon, which started with water flowing in a river on a flat plain, and slowly dug away at the rock to form one of the most beautiful canyons in the world. Nature doesn’t worry about anyone else’s timeline. Day by day, you probably couldn’t see the changes in the rock, but after thousands of years, the difference is clear. 

Zooming out and thinking of the big picture can help you manage worries and uncomfortable feelings, because you know they won’t last forever. 

So, the next time you have a few minutes, get outside. See how it feels!

Spending time in nature has many mental health benefits, and it’s a coping skill you can keep in your mental health toolbox for when you need it. If you’re looking for other skills and tools to help support your mental health, working with a therapist can help you find what works for you.  

How Well Can You Predict What Will Make You Happy?

Your brain is a powerful machine. It can do so many things!

But one thing we can’t rely on it for? Predicting what will make us happy in the future. 

Does that sound strange to you? After all, our brains have all of the information we’re ever going to have, shouldn’t that be what we need to look at our choices, imagine our future, and decide which is the most likely to make us happy?

Turns out–no! 

The short explanation is that our brains just can’t remove the context of our current situation or mood when imagining our future–so whatever our current mood and outlook are, that’s how our brains will imagine the future. And on top of that, our brains massively overestimate how happy for how long something will actually make us! 

The longer explanation is that Harvard professor of psychology, Dan Gilbert, along with a handful of other psychologists (and one economist) have been using the last few years to study behavioral prediction; specifically: how we predict what will make us happy and how we actually feel after the fact. What they found is that almost all of the decisions we make are based on how we think we’ll feel after those decisions. 

So the question becomes: how well can we really predict what will make us happy? 

There are strengths and weaknesses in our ability to predict our own happiness. When it comes to deciding relatively what would make us happier, we can choose basic things confidently and accurately. As the New York Times puts it: “we can accurately predict that we'd rather be stuck in Montauk than in a Midtown elevator.”

We know roughly things that will make us happier than other things.

And we know that something like buying a fancy new car or getting a promotion will make us happy. However, what we overlook–or, often, overestimate–is the impact of that happiness & how long it will last. 

It’s easy to imagine your future where you’ve gotten a promotion, and assume that it will fix your life. You’ll be making more money, you’ll have more expertise & authority in your field, therefore you will be more respected, you’ll be able to treat yourself to nicer things with your increased income, etc. Those things may be true, but with a promotion presumably also comes more work, more professional responsibilities, possibly less free time, navigating a new co-worker pool or professional hierarchy, etc. 

So while the promotion is a good thing, and it may bring you a large amount of happiness the moment you find out about it, the feeling motivating that decision (ex: accepting the promotion) isn’t as long lasting as we imagine. 

When we imagine different future scenarios in our head we’re using a neat feature our brains have evolved to have, which is essentially an experience simulator. As Dan Gilbert says:

“Ben and Jerry's doesn't have "liver and onion" ice cream, and it's not because they whipped some up, tried it and went, "Yuck!" It's because, without leaving your armchair, you can simulate that flavor and say "yuck" before you make it.”

This is an incredible strength of our minds, something that animals can’t do like we can. However, where we overestimate its strength is in the longevity. 

Where Our Experience Simulator Fails:

While we can decide what decision we would like more in any given moment, what Gilbert’s research shows us is that our experience simulator makes us believe the different choices lead to outcomes far more different than they actually are. 

The reason for this is something Gilbert describes as a psychological immune system, which is really just a fancy way of saying humans are really good at adapting to their circumstances.  He says there are two options for happiness: natural happiness, that comes from getting whatever it was we wanted, and synthetic happiness, that comes from finding ways to be happy when we don’t get what we want. And it turns out, humans are really, really good at this! 

So why does this matter?

This is significant because it can help us reduce stress when it comes to decision making. If the amount of happiness you will have is about the same no matter what decision you make because of you “psychological immune system” then it reduces the pressure to make the “right” decision for your happiness. You know that one choice won’t ruin your chances at being happy in your life! Knowing this can help you feel more confident in values based decision making, and help you feel more aligned and fulfilled in your decisions overall. 

If you’re interested in learning how to get clear on your values to strengthen your confidence in decision making, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

What is a Trauma Response?

To understand what a trauma response is, first we must understand what exactly trauma is. 

Despite what you may currently understand about trauma, trauma isn’t defined by a type of event–though some events are more likely to lead to trauma than others, and therefore more commonly cause trauma. What trauma is referring to is the emotional response one has from those events. 

Some events, like abuse, sexual violence, physical violence, car accidents, natural disasters, etc. are what we commonly think of when we think of trauma. But because trauma is referring to an emotional response to a disturbing event–disturbing meaning exceeding the individual’s ability to cope with it, so the definition isn’t so cut and dry. What may be disturbing and traumatic for one person can be different for another. 

So how can trauma show up?

The way trauma shows up in our lives is called a trauma response. Essentially, a trauma response is the repeated occurrence of a coping mechanism that helped you survive your trauma, but now it is present whether or not the danger you’re sensing is real. 

After a trauma, we are often hypervigilant, and on alert for danger reflexively, in order to protect ourselves from further harm. This means that small things that don’t actually present a true danger are interpreted by our brains to be a threat, and our coping responses are activated. 

If you have experienced a trauma, this can leave you feeling out of control or like what you’re doing “doesn’t make any sense” but it’s actually your brain’s natural protective response. Experiencing trauma changes how your brain processes new events; while you rationally may be able to understand that the context of your new situation is different from the situation which caused you trauma, your brain isn’t able to distinguish that difference when processing what’s happening. 

That means, in new situations where the context is different but events are similar, your brain may activate your trauma response, even when there are no dangers present. 

What are the trauma responses? 

There are four main responses to trauma. These responses are: 

• Fight 

• Flight

• Freeze

• Fawn 

Most people know about fight or flight, but the two others are less commonly heard of, though just as commonly experienced. It’s also important to note that there are healthy uses of each of these responses. Trauma however, can override our ability to use these responses in a healthy way, and can begin to rely on one response no matter the context. 

So what do each of them mean?

The Fight Response: 

The fight response is when threats (real or perceived) are faced with aggression, or perhaps even physical violence. 

In a healthy instance this can look like being firm with boundaries, speaking up for yourself when you’re being disrespected or mistreated, protect yourself from immediate threats when necessary, and being confident in asserting yourself. 

However, as a trauma response, we’re not able to balance it with our rational thought, which means the fight response is less of a response and more of an immediate reaction. As a trauma response it can show up as meeting a perceived conflict with aggression–essentially using conflict to navigate conflict. It can look like physical blow ups–yelling, slamming your hands or fists into things, etc.–being aggressive or mean with others, as well as being inwardly angry with yourself, often without knowing why. 

The Flight Response: 

The flight response is when threats (real or perceived) are abandoned or fled from. 

Again, this isn’t always a bad thing! There are cases where leaving the situation is actually the best choice. This response, when we’re able to use it in a healthy way, can aid us in doing things like leaving toxic relationships, avoiding dangerous situations, walking away from harmful conversations or environments, etc. 

As a trauma response, the flight response can show up as a need to stay busy all of the time. There’s a belief that in running away you cannot be harmed, and that can often lead to running away mentally–aka disengaging, and doing whatever you can to stay busy. You can also experience it physically: feeling a need to be constantly fidgeting or tapping or be in motion somehow can be a way this response shows up in your life. 

The Freeze Response: 

The freeze response is when you aren’t able to respond or act at all in the face of  threats (real or perceived). 

Used well, the freeze response can help you slow down, pause, and assess a situation. It gives you the opportunity to consider what is really going on before jumping into action. 

When showing up as a response to trauma, the freeze response looks like: disengaging, physically freezing, spacing out, dissociating, essentially being altogether disconnected from yourself and your present reality. This can help you survive in moments of trauma, when what is happening is too disturbing for your brain to process, but in day to day life it harms, rather than helps you.  

The Fawn Response: 

The fawn response is when threats (real or perceived) are met with a compulsion to just make everyone happy. 

With the fawn response, we can tap into compassion for others, use our skills of listening, compromise, and a sense of fairness. However, these things can be detrimental to you if not balanced and practiced with firm boundaries. 

If compassion and fairness give way to a need to please everyone all of the time at the expense of yourself–that’s a trauma response. 

Remember, trauma is individual to every person who experiences it. The way it shows up for you might not be how it shows up for someone else. If you’re looking for more support as you heal after experiencing a trauma, one of our therapists can help support you. Contact us today!

4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

If you’ve seen the show Ted Lasso you may remember a scene where two of the main characters, Rebecca and Keely, are talking about accountability in relationships. If you’re not familiar, the context of the scene is that Rebecca is the boss of Keely’s boyfriend, Jamie, and knows that Jamie has invited a second plus one to a charity event. She kindly warns Keely of this, and encourages her to consider the importance of having a partner who can be accountable for the way they behave and the way they treat you. 

Accountability isn’t always the first quality we think of when it comes to good relationships, but it’s actually very important for establishing trust, safety, and intimacy. It’s less obvious than, say, a good sense of humor, but accountability is a crucial piece of the healthy relationship puzzle. 

What does it mean to be accountable? 

Merriam-Webster defines accountability as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.”

Why is accountability important in relationships?

Accountability is important for every type of relationship, including families, friends, and coworkers. It’s especially important in romantic relationships because of the level of trust that emotional intimacy requires. 

When you’re close with someone, there’s a level of vulnerability. The people we are close to have the power to bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives, but they also have the power to hurt us more deeply than acquaintances or strangers. If you’re not sure you can trust the other person to be honest with you, admit when they’re wrong, and take steps to repair the relationship when necessary, it’s harder to feel close to them.

Accountability also has an impact on self-esteem. When you know that you can count on yourself to accept responsibility for the things you do and say, it feels good. It doesn’t always feel good to admit you’re wrong or that there’s something you can work on. It does feel good to keep promises to yourself, though, and following through on things that are important to you is one way to do that.

How can I practice accountability in relationships?

We all have things we can work on to improve our relationships both with ourselves and with others. If you’re looking for ways to practice accountability in your relationships, here are 4 things to try:

Be okay with making mistakes

Making mistakes is a part of life. No one in human history has ever done everything 100% “right” - partially because what is right is subjective. We have different values and priorities, and so what is right for one person might not be right for another. We can’t read minds, so it is impossible to know how other people will react or what will be painful for them sometimes. If you’re alive, you’re going to make mistakes, and that’s just the way it is. 

Instead of trying to fight against that idea, try to become more comfortable with the idea of making mistakes. It’s okay! Accepting that mistakes are part of life frees up your mind to do other things instead of feeling shame for being human. 

Don’t give in to shame

It’s harder to admit you’ve done something wrong when you feel shame about it, because shame is uncomfortable. No one likes to feel ashamed - it’s painful, even though it’s something we all deal with. Shame is distracting though, and it keeps us from doing the real work of being accountable and moving forward. 

Some people are so stuck in shame that they can’t admit they’ve done something wrong or hurt someone. While it’s not easy to work through shame, it’s even harder to be consumed by it. Cut yourself some slack.

Prioritize honesty

Accountability requires honesty. To be truly accountable, it’s important to be completely honest and own up to what you did fully, without cleaning up some of the details to make yourself come across better or more sympathetic. No one likes to be lied to. Dishonesty destroys trust, which is very difficult to rebuild.

Remember, it’s okay to be human. You’re not perfect, and no one should expect you to be. Do your best to be honest with the people you care about, even if it brings up feelings of shame. Feelings don’t last forever, and shame won’t either. 

Pause before reacting

It takes time to learn how to do this, but learning how to pause before reacting to situations can make a huge difference. When we react, we often are acting without thinking things all the way through, which can make things worse. Taking a minute to pause between what’s going on and how you respond gives you a chance to tap into your rational self instead of just reacting with your emotional self. 

When you learn how to lengthen the space between what’s happening and the way you respond, you give yourself a chance to act in a way that aligns with your values and goals instead of working against them. 

Are you looking for more support to improve the important relationships in your life? Working with a therapist can help you learn new skills that can benefit relationships of all kinds - from friends and family to romantic partners. Get in touch today to get started!