How to Practice Reaching Out After Self Isolating

The problem with loneliness is it can be a self reinforcing perspective. 

We all feel lonely from time to time, but sometimes the loneliness grows so big, we don’t feel like we can escape it. When loneliness is that all consuming, our whole world view can become twisted by that loneliness, convincing us that our cruel, self-isolating thoughts are true. 

When we’re lonely, it can start to feel like there must be a reason for it, and that reason must be us. We start to feel like we’re broken and that it must be good, in a way, that we’re alone, because in such a deep depression it can feel hard to remember how to connect with others. 

The only way to heal our loneliness is by connecting with others–but like many unhelpful patterns, loneliness can become familiar, and the threat of the unknown can feel greater than the threat of loneliness. And the longer we self isolate, the harder it becomes to reach out to people. We feel shame at how long it’s been since we reached out, or fear that our loved ones will be upset with us–or worse, have no desire to have us back in their lives now that we’ve been out of them for so long. All of these things make it harder and harder to break out of self isolating once you’ve begun. 

But the secret truth is: you get a little grace when you’re struggling if you let people in. 

It can feel larger than it is. In your head, you may be remembering a text your friend sent a month ago that you never responded to. In your imagination, that friend is mad at you for ignoring them, and doesn’t want to hear from you now. 

In reality? Your friend has a hectic life too. The same thing has happened to them at one point–and it’s much more likely that they’ll be happy to get a message from you now, a month late, than to never get one ever again. And every time you give yourself a chance to be forgiven, you lay the foundation for more self kindness, and greater ease in relying on your support system. 

So how can you start to practice reaching out to others after self isolating? 

Start with a therapist: 

Therapy is a no-judgment zone, and can be a great starting point when you’re teaching yourself how to reach out. You can work through some of what caused you to self isolate, the fears reinforcing that isolation, and have a reliable support system to turn to when you start reaching out to loved ones in your life. While you have your own role in therapy, it’s not the type of reciprocal relationship we have elsewhere, so it can be lower risk to admit to a therapist than to a friend that you’ve been lonely and struggling. Then, with that practice and support under your belt, you can spread that practice elsewhere. 

Express gratitude for the relationships you reach out to: 

People can be much more forgiving than our imaginations give them credit for, but loneliness affects us all! There is a chance your friend or loved one may have felt rejected or dismissed or devalued in your absence–they may have taken your absence to be a reflection on them, rather than a sign you needed support. Letting your loved ones know you’ve missed them, that they’re important to you, and you’re grateful to be able to be honest and vulnerable with them can go a long way. It helps let your loved one know this time apart was not maliciously motivated, and can help reduce defensiveness so everyone can be open about what they’re feeling and what they need. 

Give yourself some grace: 

Don’t try to do everything at once. Small steps forward slowly and consistently are much better than big leaps that cause you to tumble. Reach out to one person at a time, add your regular activities back in one at a time, or try one new thing at a time. You don’t have to flood your calendar to stop self isolation. Call one more person this week, and start there! Don’t blame yourself for your loneliness–it’s common and normal to feel lonely. And it’s okay if it happens even when you’re reaching out to people. There’s nothing wrong with you. Lean into your support systems as you grow them.  

Do you struggle with reaching out to others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable reaching out instead of turning in when you’re struggling. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.  

How to Ask for Help When You Need It

Do you feel comfortable asking for help?

If you struggle with asking for help, you’re not alone. 

As humans, we’re literally built for community, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ask for help when you need it. In our culture, which is so focused on individualism and the self, it can feel jarring to reach out to others for support and help, even when you need it. 

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

As we grow up, it becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Part of this is because as we get older, we become more independent and are more capable of meeting our own needs. 

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or not good enough, or incapable, or anything negative. 

If you grew up with caregivers who found it difficult to ask for help, you might also find it hard to ask for help when you need it. If you’re someone who takes pride in their independence and self-sufficiency, it might be hard to admit to yourself, let alone others, that you need help or support. 

The idea that asking for help makes you weak or lazy is a fairly common worry for people, but remind yourself over and over that asking for help is a basic human need. We all do it, and the more you do it, the less strange it will feel. 

How to know when you need help

Remember that we all need help from time to time. We are built to live in communities where we help each other, even if that’s not how our society is currently structured. It’s natural to rely on others - no one can do everything on their own, forever. 

So, how can you even tell when you need help? It can be hard to even recognize when you’re in over your head if you’re not used to asking for support. Some signs that’ it’s time to call in help include: 

• Feeling constantly overwhelmed or burnt out

• Dealing with something difficult, like grief, stress, a traumatic event, or a mental health condition

• Being physically unable to do things for yourself

• Losing interest in things you care about 

• Emotions you don’t understand or that scare you

• Feeling unable to meet your needs 

So, how can you make it easier to ask for help when you need it? Try these suggestions: 

Practice checking in with yourself so you know how you feel

It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know how you feel or what you need support with. Identifying how you’re feeling is an important first step, because it can clue you in to what you need. It takes practice to learn what certain emotions feel like for you, or the signs that indicate that you could use some assistance, but the more you make it a habit to check in with yourself, the easier it will be to figure out what you need. 

Think about what gets in the way of asking for help

When you need help, what is it that makes you feel like you can’t ask for help? Do you tell yourself stories like “I”m not good enough” or “Asking for help makes me lazy” or even “No one would want to help me, anyway”? We all have these knee-jerk reactions, about everything, and trying to untangle the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful ones can make a big difference. Remind yourself that we all need help from time to time. 

Know what you’re asking for

It’s hard to offer help to someone who isn’t sure what they’re asking for, so it’s helpful to know what you need help with in the first place. What is the issue you’re having trouble with? Are you asking for one favor, or do you need more long-term support? What are the smallest chunks you can break the need down into? 

Use DEAR MAN or other format to plan the conversation

There are many helpful ways to structure important conversations, but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill “DEAR MAN” can be a useful guide for structuring the conversation. DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill in DBT that helps you plan out what you’re going to say in a difficult conversation. 

There are different approaches, based on what your main goal is for the discussion, but the basic structure goes like this: 

• Describe the problem or situation

• Express how you feel about it

• Assert your need for help

• Reinforce what’s in it for the other person to help you

• Mindfully focus on your goal

• Appear confident

• Negotiate if necessary

Approach people you trust and have a relationship with

Asking for help can be trickier when you don’t have a relationship with the person you need help from. As you build up your confidence in asking for help, start by approaching people you already trust and have a good relationship with. Asking for help and getting it can help you feel more comfortable with asking for help in general, and that confidence can help you in moments where you need help from someone you don’t know as well. 

Don’t beat yourself up for needing help

Finally, be nice to yourself when you’re asking for help. You’re not stupid, or bad, or wrong, or lazy, or not good enough, or whatever it is that you feel when you ask for help. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support - it’s absolutely human to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. You’re doing a hard thing, and you should be proud of yourself! 

What to do when you ask for help and are told no

Everyone has different capacities for helping others, and there might be a time when you ask for help and the person you’re asking says no. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help when you need it! It can be discouraging to work up the nerve to ask someone for something, especially when you don’t usually ask for help. 

Remember that someone being unable to offer help doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, that you aren’t worthy of help, or that you’re a burden. It usually just means that they don’t have the capacity to help you at the moment. It’s okay to ask someone else, even if you’ve already been turned down, because it’s still okay to need help. 

Do you struggle with asking for help from others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable asking for help when you need it. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.  

6 Ways to Build Self-Respect

Do you respect yourself?

Self-respect is one of those buzzwords that you might hear about often, but it’s one that can get lost in the shuffle of self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, and other self-focused beliefs. All of these beliefs have a role to play in mental wellness, especially self-respect.

What is self-respect?

Having self-respect means that you value and accept yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you. Self-respect is like the foundation of all of your other self-beliefs, because it’s generally unchanging. 

When your self-respect is low, you might think that there’s something wrong with you, or that you don’t bring any value to the world. When your self-respect is high, you recognize that who you are and what you care about matters, and you offer that sense of acceptance to yourself, no matter what happens. 

How is it different from self esteem or self worth?

Self-esteem is about having a high regard for yourself. Having high self esteem means that you think highly of yourself and love who you are as a person, which is very important! It is, however, different from self-respect. Self-worth is believing that you are loveable, no matter what other people think. Believing that you are loveable can play into how much you value and accept yourself, but it is not entirely the same. Self-esteem and self-worth are often influenced by outside factors, like other people, whereas self-respect is more internal. 

Why self-respect matters 

Having a strong sense of self-respect can be protective in times of uncertainty or stress, because you know that you have your own back. 

If you struggle with self-respect, you might find it harder to understand and live in alignment with what matters to you. You might find yourself bending your boundaries and trying to please everyone, instead of saying no when you need to. You might feel like you can’t make decisions or that you don’t know what matters to you. Feeling this way can add to distress when you're upset or under stress. 

Whatever your current level of self-respect, there are ways to increase it. Start here: 

Understand your values

One of the ways to start feeling more respect for yourself is to understand what means the most to you. What matters, and what doesn’t? What do you value, and what do you not care as much about? 

When you understand what the core values are that matter to you, it’s easier to try to live in alignment with them. It will be easier to know what a yes feels like to you and what a no feels like. 

Try to live in alignment with your values

When you live in alignment with your values, it means that you do your best to prioritize those values, and make decisions based on those values. You don’t need to be perfect, but when you’re making decisions, try to consider what’s important to you. Would one choice line up more with your values? Do what you can to practice what’s important to you. 

Be kind to yourself when you do things that are out of alignment with your values

Remember to be kind to yourself, even if you do something that doesn’t line up with your values. We all do things that aren’t in alignment with our values from time to time. It’s a part of being human! Remember that even if you do something that doesn’t line up with what’s important to you, you can always learn from that experience. 

You can consider what made it hard to stick to your values, and how that might impact you in the future. You can make a plan for the next time something like this comes up, so you know what you want to do. Even people you respect can let you down occasionally, but that doesn’t mean you need to change how you feel about them entirely. Offer that kind of grace to yourself. 

Keep your promises to yourself 

It’s hard to respect people who let you down, so do your best to not let yourself down. Work on keeping the promises you make to yourself. Set the boundary, work on that new habit, or do whatever it is that you have told yourself that you would do. 

Knowing that you can rely on yourself to meet your needs can make a huge difference when it comes to building self-respect. Over time, all the little things will add up, and you’ll see how good it feels to know you can count on yourself, no matter what. 

Listen to the people who love you

We’re almost all harder on ourselves than we should be, and that can make it hard to notice all the good things about ourselves. It can be helpful to listen to what the people who care about you have to say. They probably notice things about you that you don’t always pick up on or dismiss easily. While your sense of self-respect doesn’t come entirely from how other people see you, it can help to remind you of what a good person you are, especially when you’re having a tough time remembering. 

Work on living a life that you enjoy

At the end of their lives, people have some common regrets: that they spent too much time working, and not enough time doing the things they enjoyed; that they should have stayed closer to their friends; that they should have lived a life that was true to themselves, instead of doing what others expected of them; that they wished they had the courage to express how they felt; and that they wish they had let themselves be happier. 

Think about how you’re living your life right now. Do you think any of these regrets will ring true at the end of your life? One way to help prevent having those kinds of regrets at the end of your life is to work on living a life that you enjoy and that brings meaning to you. 

Building a life that you enjoy is the ultimate way to show that you respect yourself. It means that you know what’s right for you and you’re not afraid to go for it, even if others question it. It means that you take care of yourself when you need it. It means that you say no when you need to, and know that the people who love you will still be there. 

Building self-respect takes time, and it can bring up lots of feelings. If you’re looking for more support as you work on how you feel about yourself, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are currently accepting appointments, so contact us to get started today.