8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

One of the hardest things about any relationship is communication. When you need to have a hard conversation with someone, communication can seem impossible. So many of us have experiences in the past, whether growing up or in other adult relationships, where we felt afraid to say what we were thinking or feeling. Some people have lived in situations where they couldn’t share their thoughts or feelings for fear of cruelty or abuse. Some people might be afraid of how their partner will react. Others might feel like their feelings don’t matter as much as their partners.

Whatever the reason, it makes sense that having hard conversations is hard. Luckily, there are ways to make even the hardest conversations a little easier to manage. 

Hard conversations are inevitable in most relationships, even platonic ones.

Everyone changes as they age, and people don’t always change in ways that work together. Expectations shift, and the resources people can offer to a relationship don’t always stay the same. Relationships aren’t always split 50/50. Sometimes one partner will need more support than the other, and vice versa. Over time, things may even out, but in the short term, things might feel unequal for a while. 

Having a hard conversation with your partner doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, though. Sometimes, hard conversations lead to big breakthroughs in relationships that leave you feeling closer to each other than before. No relationship is perfect, and it will be impossible to avoid having some hard conversations unless you basically avoid having conversations at all. 

Are you worried about how to approach hard conversations with your partner? Here are 8 ideas to make it easier: 

Wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged

Having a hard conversation is already, well, hard enough. Starting a serious or hard talk with your partner when you’re already emotional can make things go from bad to worse. If you’re in the middle of an argument, see what you can both do to regroup and calm down before having any serious conversations. Similarly, try to avoid serious talks in the middle of sex. Sex is emotional and vulnerable, and adding in an intense conversation in the middle of it is just seeing you up to miscommunicate. 

Talk about things as they come up

On the other hand, you don’t want to wait too long to bring things up that are bothering you. It’s beneficial to wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged to dive into a heavy discussion, but holding onto issues for too long is a recipe for resentment. It’s also never fun to hear from your partner that they’ve been secretly upset with you about something for a long time. When you feel upset or like you need to talk, find a time sooner rather than later to talk about it so you don’t feel overwhelmed with resentment. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

The most important part of communication is listening when someone communicates with you. It can be tempting, especially when we’re upset, to get distracted when someone is speaking to you because you’re thinking about how to respond. Instead of hearing what they are actually saying to you, however, you’re missing it to concentrate on what to say next. This is how miscommunication can happen. It is also very frustrating to feel like you’re not being listened to. When you’re listening to your partner talk, focus on what they’re saying to you. Repeat back what they’re saying to show them you’re paying attention. Think about how you would want them to listen to you, and act the same way. 

Reframe the situation as “us vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”

So many relationship conflicts are framed as one partner versus the other, instead of both partners versus the problem. Remember, you’re a team and you’re in this together. How can you look at this situation as the two of you against the problem, instead of against each other? Remind each other that you’re on the same side.

Approach the situation from a place of curiosity, instead of blame

Miscommunications happen when we make assumptions about other people. Instead of assuming you know what’s going on, approach the conversation from a place of curiosity. Try to see where your partner is coming from and understand their perspective. Instead of blaming them for what’s wrong in the relationship, try to find out what they’re thinking and what is driving them to behave the way they do. There’s always a reason behind someone’s behavior, and the more compassionate and curious we can be, the less shame and defensiveness people will feel.

Remind yourself that being right isn’t the most important thing

Sometimes we get so swept up in what we’re thinking and feeling that we lose sight of what’s really important to us. There are some situations where you’ll probably want to be acknowledged for being right, but that doesn’t have to happen every time. In a lot of disagreements in relationships, there isn’t one clear right side and one clear wrong side. It’s okay to want to be right, but being right all the time doesn’t always make it easy to be in a relationship with someone. In all adult relationships, we have to compromise and work together, so make sure you’re prepared for that going into a tough conversation. 

Figure out what you want before you start the conversation

Talking about a problem without offering a solution or knowing what you need out of a situation can just lead to frustration for everyone. If you’re bringing something up, have a plan about what you want to say to your partner so you don’t forget anything once your emotions are heightened. What do you need to have happen in this conversation? What are you willing to negotiate, and what can you be flexible about? Are you hoping to spend more time together? Are you looking for a different division of labor in the household? Do you want to find more ways to connect emotionally? Whatever it is, have your goals in mind when you start the conversation. 

Make checking in a regular part of your relationship

If it kind of freaks you out to hear that you need to have a serious conversation with a partner, you’re not alone. The words “we need to talk” can be very scary to hear, especially when your relationship is struggling.  

This is more of a long-term goal, but when you make it a regular part of your relationship to check in with one another, hearing “we need to talk” will seem way less scary or threatening. It can be uncomfortable knowing that a mysterious conversation is ahead of you, even if it’s one you know you need to have. When you make check-ins regular, you’ll have more chances to address issues as they come up, so no one is holding onto any resentment. 

Give yourself a pat on the back

Having hard conversations is, well, hard. It’s not easy to let yourself be vulnerable and ask for what you need or say what’s on your mind. If you’re having a hard conversation with someone, give yourself credit. That’s not an easy thing to do, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. 

Relationships aren’t easy, and since every one is different, they don’t come with an instruction manual. Working with a couples therapist can help you find new ways to communicate and connect with one another so hard conversations no longer feel impossible. To get started working with a couples therapist, get in touch with our office. 

How (& Why) You Should Get Clear on Your Values

Why is it important to know our values? 

There are many reasons it’s important to know what your values are; but the biggest is that there is no one path that your life is supposed to follow. So knowing your values helps you to determine what that path should be for you. While there are a lot of social pressures to follow a specific path (go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, etc.) the path you’re on should be based on your values. That “traditional” path is good for some, and not the right fit for others, and there’s no right or wrong choice. 

Being clear on what your values are helps to make the process of making decisions easier. 

Because there’s really never a “correct” choice when it comes to what path your life can take, decision making can feel impossible, especially if you struggle with anxiety. It can seem like there is a lot riding on every decision!  When you can base your decisions on your values you can be confident you made the choice that aligns with how you want your life to look, even if you need to take corrective action later. 

Making decisions based on your values also helps to take the moralizing out of decisions–there’s no “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad” choice. It’s just identifying which choice fits best with your values! It’s alright if it’s a choice that doesn’t or wouldn’t work for someone else.  

And, it can help to ease anxiety when you’re in a new situation! 

Because even in situations where you are feeling anxious because you’re pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, you can rest assured you’ve made a conscious, intentional choice to try and manage that discomfort, as it aligns with the life you want and the values you have. 

3 Ways to Get Clear on Your Values: 

Start with a list: 

One way to get clear on your values is to just start with a list of common values. That one linked is a list of the world’s most influential values–meaning the values that the majority of people globally identify as being the driving force(s) behind their behaviors. 

Look through the list of 56 different values–can you narrow it down to ten? Try not to overthink it–go through the whole list and circle a value as soon as it seems right to you, without thinking about how many you’re circling. Then, when you’ve gotten through the whole list, count how many you’ve circled. 

If it’s more than ten, see if you can narrow it down. Are there any that are similar? Are there any moments in your life where you’ve had to make a decision between one or the other? Which one and why? Think about what kind of person you want to be–what kind of individual, what kind of friend, what kind of partner, etc. Do any of the values you’ve selected contradict that? Cross those out. Continue this process until you get down to ten, and then count those as your (current) core values.

Think of a difficult time you got through: 

 How did you make decisions on what to do? What seemed most important and why?

Let’s say you were accepted into an academic program you want to participate in, but the cost of it means you can no longer afford to live on your own, or you will have to accept financial help from family. Here you have to consider which value is most important to you: education, or independence? And could one be achieved in another way?

For example, if independence is the stronger value, could you live on your own and do things like: take free online courses or local community classes, or listen to podcasts & read books on the subject you’re looking to further your education in? It’s a way to achive both that desire for independence without completely sacrificing a pursuit of learning.

Consider someone you admire: 

 Think of your friends, your partner, a relative, etc.  What drew you to them? What traits of theirs do you admire?

For example: Let’s say you have an aunt you always look forward to visiting. She has wonderful stories and always takes time to sit with you and talk, and you always leave wishing you could be more like her. 

Think about what it is about those visits that brings you so much joy. What about your aunt is exciting and admirable? What is it you want to be like? Does she have stories of all the friends she’s made or different places she’s visited? Maybe community and connection is one of your values. Does she push you out of your comfort zone? Perhaps the value there is adventurousness or curiosity. 

Remember your values can shift and evolve over time, so it’s important to check in with yourself about what you value. If you find yourself feeling unhappy or unsatisfied regularly after big decisions, it might be time to reconsider the values driving your behavior! 

If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

6 Tips To Help You Feel Your Feelings

Do you have a hard time dealing with uncomfortable emotions? If you do, you’re not the only one! Uncomfortable emotions are, well, uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel good to feel uncomfortable, so it makes sense that we often go out of our way to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions. However, emotions serve an important purpose. When we avoid our feelings, we’re just opening ourselves up to more distress later. When feelings aren’t dealt with, they have a way of coming back even more intensely, and often at an inconvenient time. 

Emotions are messengers, but we usually aren’t taught how to decode the messages they are sending us. Even when you do understand what the message is underneath the emotion, it can be hard to know what to do in the moment when you’re feeling a distressing feeling. 

Emotions are important, which is why we have them. In fact, they can help us survive. For example, babies display their emotions to alert their caregivers that they need help, since they can’t take care of themselves. Emotions can help us make decisions and guide our behaviors, as well as influence the way we understand and communicate with others. 

So, how can you make it easier to feel your feelings? Here are 6 tips to help you feel your feelings: 

Identify + acknowledge what's going on

If you’re having trouble identifying what you’re feeling, try using an emotion wheel to pinpoint what you’re experiencing. We can’t feel our feelings if we don’t notice and acknowledge them, so this is an important step. As you get more practice, it will be easier to identify what emotion you’re feeling and notice it as it pops up. 

Sometimes, you might get caught up in whatever the emotion is before you realize what’s going on. When that happens, take a pause and a deep breath. Naming what you are feeling gives you more information on how to deal with the emotion moving forward. You’ll also learn how to spot patterns in your emotional responses, which can be helpful. 

Do a body scan

Where are you feeling this emotion in your body? Is there anywhere that you notice is more tense than usual? Do you feel hot or cold anywhere? Are there any sensations that you notice? Are you experiencing any pain? 

Checking in with how your body feels when you’re emotionally activated is a helpful way to get back into the present moment. When we’re in the middle of our feelings, it can be hard to be focused on what’s happening right now. Scanning your body and taking note of any sensations can help you identify where you experience emotions in your body. This can also be another way to identify your emotions when you’re having a hard time naming them. 

Validate what you're feeling

Feeling validated is powerful, even when you validate yourself. It feels good to acknowledge that what you’re feeling is okay and that there’s nothing wrong with you for having feelings. Sometimes we start judging ourselves and jumping to conclusions before taking some time to reflect and see that it actually makes sense that we feel this way. 

Another aspect to this is to give yourself lots of compassion. The world is already tough enough, you don’t need to be mean to yourself on top of it. How would you treat a friend going through what you’re going through? You’d probably be supportive, understanding, and kind. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend. You deserve compassion. 

Do what you can to reassure yourself

We all need reassurance from time to time, and especially when we’re feeling emotionally vulnerable. Do what you can to reassure yourself that things will be okay. It might even help to tell yourself something like “I’m here now, and I'm not going anywhere,” or “It won’t always feel like this.” We all need to have people on our side, and that includes being on our own side. Try to be the calm, adult voice of reason that your younger self needs to hear. 

Give yourself options

When you’re feeling emotionally activated, it can be hard to remember what can help make you feel better. It can be helpful to make a list of things that make you feel safe in advance so you have options when you're in the thick of your feelings. 

This could be as simple as keeping a note on your phone of things that soothe you in intense moments, or things that have helped you regulate your emotions in the past. You can even go as far as to make yourself an emotional distress toolbox. A toolbox could hold items like a meditation exercise, a candle or essential oil with a calming smell, fidget toys, grounding objects, or pictures of people and places that make you feel safe. When you’re feeling your feelings, take a look at the options you’ve prepared yourself ahead of time and see if that helps you as you process your emotions. 

Talk to someone

One of the hardest things about talking about your emotions is the sense of shame that they can bring up. Shame is a particularly uncomfortable feeling to deal with. Shame can result in pushing feelings away when it comes up to avoid the pain of confronting it. When you feel shame, it might feel like you can’t speak about it, because that brings up all those bad feelings and body sensations. 

However, shame thrives on keeping it to yourself. When you share your feelings of shame with others that you trust, shame loses its power. Seeing others treat you with compassion when you share what you feel ashamed about can help motivate you to be that compassionate to yourself. 

You can talk to anyone you trust and feel safe around, like a friend, a family member, a spiritual advisor, a mentor, or even a therapist.

If you’re interested in learning more ways to regulate your emotions and cope with your feelings, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

6 Ways Cooking Together Builds Intimacy

Do you have plans for this Valentine’s Day?  

A third pandemic Valentine’s Day in a row might not sound super exciting, we know. Depending on what’s happening in your local area there might be some restrictions on where you and your partner can even spend the day celebrating! 

If you’re trying to think of something to do this Valentine’s Day, consider simply cooking a meal with your loved one. 

It might sound simple, but cooking a meal together can be a great (and fun!) way to spend quality time with your partner and build intimacy between the two of you. 

And of course, this doesn’t have to be limited to romantic relationships! While Valentine’s Day is primarily about romantic relationships, you can expand the meaning of the day to celebrate any sort of meaningful relationship in your life! Because even if you aren’t currently involved in a romantic relationship, you have plenty of other significant relationships in your life. 

And intimacy isn’t inherently romantic. Being intimate with someone is just about feeling comfortable being vulnerable and your authentic self with someone else. You can build that connection in any sort of relationship! 

So why cook a meal together? 

It’s a simple thing, but there is so much intimacy in it! Here are 6 reasons cooking together can help build intimacy: 

Firstly, you have to remain present: 

When you’re cooking, you have to be fully in the moment, thinking about the food you’re preparing, how it will work together, the step you’re on, the smells and sights in front of you, etc. Cooking is basically one big mindfulness practice! And when it comes to spending time with loved ones, it’s quality over quantity–meaning, it’s better to be fully engaged and present with a loved one for a short amount of time, than to spend all day together when neither one of you is really existing in the present moment. So cooking a meal together is a great way to ground yourselves in the present moment and really enjoy your time together meaningfully. 

You’re connecting over a shared goal:

Does that sound silly? It might, but it’s true! In order to even get to the stage where you’re cooking together you need to: agree to cook together, agree on what you want to eat, get the ingredients and materials for what you want to prepare, and only then can you start actually preparing it together. This is a lot of cooperation! It might not feel big to you, but think of how long it takes you to decide what you want for dinner on a day you’re burned out. It’s seeming more impressive to do it with another person, and then work together to make that meal happen, right? 

It’s dependent on communication: 

Unless you’re both naturally instinctive chefs, you’re going to need to communicate with one another about what you both need to do and how you need to work together to get the meal prepared! No, you don’t need to map out a battle plan, but this shows up in the small things like “can you chop the onions while I melt the butter?” Having a whole activity that requires the two of  you to really listen and respond to one another can help you appreciate how well you work together. 

Nourishing one another is inherently intimate:

Taking time to lovingly prepare a meal for someone and then make sure they eat it is one of the biggest ways humans connect intimately with one another! Think of parents and children: one of the most significant relationships in our lives, and so much bonding within that relationship happens over meal times. Whether that’s the contact from holding a baby as you feed them or sharing stories over meals at family dinners, nourishing one another is a wonderful way to bond.  Taking time to prepare a meal for someone says: I care about you, I want to make sure you’re well nourished. What could be more loving than that?

Cooking is a sensual experience:

Cooking and eating engage all of your senses, and often link it with pleasure! While you’re cooking you’re focused on: how does this food look? How does it smell? Does it taste good? What can I do to make it more enjoyable? Connecting with your partner over what’s pleasing to your senses is a wonderful way to connect intimately (or even erotically)  without needing sex to enter the picture at all. 

Cooking can strengthen your emotional ties:

Cooking can be a very personal experience. We so often learn to cook from loved ones (parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, etc.) or people with significant relationships to us.  There is a lot of emotion and nostalgia tied to cooking. It’s something that engages all of your senses which means your memories tied to it will be strong! Cooking with a partner gives you an opportunity to share those memories–you can teach them how to cook something your parents taught you, or something connected with a happy memory that you get to share with them. 

If you’re looking for more ways to build intimacy in  your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started!