Exploring Perfectionism and Being Ok With ‘Good Enough’

Do you feel a lot of pressure to be perfect? In a world that is increasingly scary and confusing, it’s tempting to try to control as much as we can. However, the pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming and lead to a lot of distress. After all, perfect isn’t an achievable goal for most things. We’re humans. We’re messy, we make mistakes, and sometimes we do the best we can and it’s still not “perfect”. You may associate perfectionism with being hyper-focused on details and always getting things done, but a lot of people who struggle with perfectionism actually have a hard time even getting a project started, let alone finished.

Perfectionism doesn’t always manifest itself in real life the way it’s depicted in the media. One powerful way to fight against the idea of perfectionism is the idea that we can be good enough. We don’t have to be perfect, and perfection isn’t an achievable goal. We can learn to be okay with being good enough.

What is perfectionism

Perfectionism can be traced back to cognitive distortions, like all-or-nothing thinking. As a refresher, cognitive distortions are faulty ways of thinking that we learn to believe are true. All or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that means you tend to think in extremes. You’re either successful or a failure. You’re smart or stupid. Instead of leaving room for all the nuance of being a human, all or nothing thinking paints things in black and white. 

It makes sense that we would believe our thoughts, because in general we like to think that we can trust ourselves. However, sometimes our thoughts aren’t true. Sometimes we get so used to thinking one way that we forget there are other ways to think. Striving for perfection doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, lots of people encourage others to strive for a sort of “healthy” perfection as a way to motivate themselves to do their best. 

The trouble with this is that it’s easy to slip from trying your best because you want to to trying to be perfect because you want to be seen by others as perfect. 

Brene Brown has written about this phenomenon in her work on imperfection, vulnerability, and shame: 

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Shame, judgment, and blame are painful feelings. It makes sense that we want to avoid those feelings! In our search to avoid those painful feelings, though, we often end up feeling that way anyway. When you try your best because you want to, you might feel a sense of pride. However, most of the time we’re trying to be perfect to please someone else. Feeling like you have to prove yourself to be worthy of respect and kindness is a recipe for burnout and shame. 

Some folks who struggle with perfectionism deal with things like procrastination. It might sound counterintuitive that someone who is a perfectionist would struggle with getting started, but some folks struggle with the idea that if they can’t do it perfectly, they don’t want to do it at all.  

What does “good enough” mean? 

Good enough means that we don’t have to do everything perfectly at all times. Good enough means that sometimes the job that gets done isn’t pretty, but it’s effective. For example, you don’t need to have the perfect storage containers and pantry layout before you organize your kitchen. You just need to be able to see what you have in your cupboards so you can put a meal together. You don’t have to always have the perfect materials or perfect plan to get things done. Instead of striving for perfect, we can learn to be happy with the freedom that “good enough” gives us. When you don’t have to spend all of your time worrying about how you’ll do everything exactly right, you have more time to spend on things that make you happy and revitalize you.  

Good enough doesn’t have to mean the same thing from situation to situation. 

There might be things you want to do a really really good job on. There might be things that you realize don’t need quite as much of your attention. Letting go of perfectionism and embracing the idea of good enough means that you can assess each situation as it comes up and decide what is good enough for that particular thing. You might still put lots of effort into work projects or connecting with your friends, but spend less time planning your grocery list or organizing your things. 

Being good enough doesn’t mean that you’re lazy either. It means that you know how to prioritize your energy and protect your boundaries so you can actually enjoy your life. 

Learning to be ok with good enough takes a lot of practice. After all, we live in a culture that prizes folks for being exceptional. It’s natural to want to feel successful and like you matter. However, trying to do everything perfectly just leaves you feeling drained and less than.

If you’re looking for more support overcoming perfectionism, our therapists are trained in modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you move from feeling hopeless to feeling empowered.  

3 Things Your Inner Child Needs to Hear from You

What is an inner child?

Have you heard the phrase inner child before? Do you know what it is? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like! It’s the childhood versions of yourself that you carry with you now. Think about it: as you age you don’t lose those past selves. When you turn eleven, your ten year old self doesn’t stop existing. She’s just now tucked away in the heart of your eleven year old self! 

But what does that really mean?

It means that while yes, we may be adults now, sometimes it is not our adult self reacting to what’s happening to us, but the hurt child inside of us. When you feel like you’re “overreacting” or “being crazy” what’s most likely happening is that an old wound from childhood, which never really healed, was activated again. And while your adult self may know logically, you are going to be okay and you don’t need to “freak out” that freak out you’re feeling is your inner child trying to get your attention. They’re shouting “hey! Something’s wrong! Help me!” 

Now, this doesn’t mean that every time you’re upset you should think “this is no big deal it’s just the little kid in me freaking out.” In fact the opposite! Minimizing it as just a childlike meltdown won’t help you–it will just brush the problem aside until it comes up again. And it will come up again until the wound is tended to, as you’ve already seen! 

Instead, imagine you are standing next to your inner child.

Picture your younger self, at eight years old, at ten, at twelve, etc. Whatever age it is that needs your attention. Think about the hurt they are feeling. Maybe even imagine you’re asking them. Ask them, “what’s wrong? What are you feeling?” 

You can have this conversation out loud yourself, or in your head, or in a journal if you find that’s helpful. The most important thing in the process is to show your inner child the kindness and patience you may not have gotten.

If you don’t know where to start, here are 3 things inner child needs to hear from you to facilitate that healing: 

I’m glad you’re here.

If you’re carrying around unhealed wounds from childhood, it’s likely you weren’t made to feel safe enough to ask for help. You might have been made to feel like a burden, which may have made it hard or even impossible for you to call attention to yourself when you needed an adult to step up and help you. That inner child inside you–even if they are just “talking” to you–may still have this fear. Welcome them, tell them you’re glad they are there–and you’re glad they shouted loud enough for you to hear them. You are happy to see them, and you want to help. 

It’s not fair that you feel this way. Or: It’s not fair that that happened to you. 

While you can make space to listen to your inner child, you can’t go back in time and fix whatever hurt them. This can feel painful to realize–for your adult self and your inner child. You can't fix the hurt! That’s natural. But sometimes all we can do, even for ourselves is to acknowledge the hurt.  You know as an adult that the way you were treated as a child wasn’t right, but that child in you still doesn’t know. They still think it’s how they deserve to be treated, or that it’s their fault. Letting them know it’s not your fault and it’s not fair can be an incredibly powerful way to start that healing. 

I’m proud of you for surviving. 

Many of us develop habits in childhood that help us survive our environments–both physically and emotionally. However, some of these habits can be things like protecting your feelings, avoiding vulnerability, trying to predict others feelings or actions, etc. All of these things can help protect a child in an emotionally volatile environment where they are punished for needing support. But as we age, those tools no longer serve us, and what was crucial for survival once now can get in the way of growth and happiness. Instead of resenting the child in you for developing these habits, let them know you’re proud of them for doing what they needed to do to survive. Let them know you understand their hesitation, but that it’s safe now and you’re there to help them drop those habits as they heal. 

Talking to your inner child isn’t the only way to work on healing! You can take some time to think about things you liked as a child, what brought you joy and made you feel safe, and incorporate those into your life now to show that inner child they are welcome and safe. You can choose to do things that seem silly because you know they will help feed that inner child. Go rollerskating, paint with your fingers, make some playdough! Your inner child will thank you.  

If you’re looking to go deeper into your inner child work, our therapists can help support you. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

What to Teach Your Child About Worry

We’ve talked a bit about anxiety in children before, but what about regular worrying? How can we teach our children the difference between the two? And what can we do to help them develop healthy coping skills for both?

While worrying isn’t a chronic condition the way an anxiety disorder is, it still is something kids need guidance on how to handle. Like all big emotions, they can feel scary and overwhelming when that emotion is new to you. 

So first, what’s the difference between worry and anxiety?

Worry tends to be specific, and grounded in reality (ex. I’m worried I won’t do well on this test because I’ve been struggling in this class) while anxiety is typically more generalized and does not necessarily use logic to assess risk. Anxiety is chronic, long lasting, while worry is temporary–and usually due to a specific, high-pressure circumstance. Along with these differences, the way worry and anxiety show up in us is different. While worry is mainly just your mind (worried thoughts) anxiety can be both mind and body. There are many physical symptoms of anxiety to look out for, which can help you distinguish whether you’re feeling anxiety or worry. 

The main difference between anxiety and worry is that anxiety often impairs function, and worry does not. Worry may actually work as a motivator, while anxiety can often make you feel frozen and unable to make any changes. 

If you think what your child is experiencing is anxiety, not worry, you can find more signs, symptoms & tips on how to help here. 

But, what do we need to teach children about worry?

Worrying is normal

Everyone worries! So if they are feeling worry that’s, well, nothing to be worried about. (If it begins to impair their functioning, then it’s time to get outside support). Let them know that you worry about things too! Share some things you worry about, and how you find healthy ways to cope with that worry. Ask them what they are worried about, and let them know they can always share when they are feeling that way. 

Worrying comes from somewhere: 

If your child doesn’t typically feel nervous or worried, when they do, it might be hard or overwhelming for them to handle. They might not know enough about themselves and their feelings to figure out why they are feeling worried or what caused it without help or guidance. Take some time to listen to their worries. Again, if you think it will comfort them, share one of your own worries and how you manage it. Then, sit with them and find some possible methods of easing that worry. 

If your child is worried about a presentation for school, for example, you can ask them if they are worried about the work they’ve done, or if it’s the pressure of presenting in front of peers, or if they are just worried about their grade. Help them find ways to problem solve the worry as much as you can (ex. Practice the presentation in front of you, go over their work with them to be sure they didn’t forget anything, remind them of how much hard work they put into the project, etc.). 

Worrying isn’t always bad: 

We worry for a reason. Just like we have pain receptors for a reason–a little discomfort can signal to us that something is wrong and needs to be taken care of. When you’re in a dangerous situation and you feel worried–that’s not anxiety being irrational or your brain trying to punish you. It’s setting off a little alarm saying “hey! Something’s not right and we need to do something about that.” Teaching your kids to investigate their worries and listen to that little alarm that goes off will help them to strengthen their own intuition, and help them later distinguish between a gut feeling telling them something is wrong, and anxiety setting off an alarm for something that isn’t there. 

If you're looking for support for your child, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help! 

6 Tips to Help Improve Your Sleep

Do you struggle with sleep? From creating a routine to settling in, to staying soundly asleep until morning, sleep issues are extremely common. It seems like we all need a little support figuring out works! But our health, our mood, and our energy levels are all improved when we get the right amount of deep, restful sleep, so it’s important to find a routine that works for you! So today we’re going over 6 tips to help improve your sleep: 

Set a “bedtime warning” alarm: 

By this, I don’t mean an alarm that means “get in bed now.” Instead, give yourself a built in buffer! Decide around what time you’d like to be in bed at night. Let’s say it’s 10:30pm. If you want to be in bed by around 10:30pm every night, set up a daily alarm on your phone for around 9:30pm. That will be your signal that you have about an hour until “bedtime.” In that time you can wrap up anything that needs to be done, and engage in whatever nighttime routine you have. That way you’re not feeling the pressure every night when you realize “oh no it’s 10:30, I wanted to be in bed by now!” And it will create a routine your body can learn to respond to: when you hear the alarm and start your routine–even if it varies a little day to day–your body will get used to getting into “bedtime mode” and it can help you transition into sleep easier. 

Wear yourself out a little–gently: 

A small amount of gentle movement right before bed is a great way to let your body know “okay! We’re going to sleep now!” It helps to both tire your body out a bit, as well as refocus your energy on your physical body & feelings, instead of any racing thoughts you may have in your head. Some exercise will energize you, however, so stick to something slow and gentle like stretching or yoga. Keep a yoga mat by your bed, do a few gentle moves, maybe repeat them for a few cycles, and then hop right into bed. Find the balance that works best for you; remember the point is to get your body ready to rest, as well as quieting your mind so it doesn’t keep you up. If you’re running on a treadmill and hopping off more energized than before, that is not going to help your sleep! 

Eliminate screens at night: 

This is probably one you’ve heard before–but that’s because it’s true. The blue light in screens actually messes with your circadian rhythm, which of course then throws your sleeping patterns all out of whack! We don’t live in a world where we can really go days without screens–lots of us have to use them for work–but what we can do is  limit our exposure to them before bed. A good idea is to use that “bedtime warning” alarm as a marker that it’s time to put your computer away or turn your tv off or set down your phone. You could also ease into it and set a second alarm about a half hour later, and work your way up to an hour of no screen time before bed as you establish a routine. 

Increase bright light exposure during the daytime: 

On the opposite side of that, lots of exposure to bright natural light during the day helps to keep your circadian rhythm happy & healthy! (Just like it can do for you!) If you can, open blinds or windows to let as much natural light into your home or workspace as you can. If that isn’t a possibility, consider getting a lamp that is made to mimic the effects of natural light (sometimes called a SAD lamp). 

Consider your environment: 

What is your bedroom like? Are there things about it that constantly distract you from sleep? For example: is your bed near a window that lets too much light into your room? Or does the noise from outside the window bother you as you try to fall asleep? Do you find yourself not able to get comfortable because you’re too hot no matter your pajamas or what your home temperature is set to? Lots of these things feel out of our control but we can take time to find solutions, even if they are imperfect ones, because any improvement to our sleep is better than none!

To go along with these examples some things you could do are: 

• Move your bed to a different part of the room. Get away from the window if possible. 

• Get thick or blackout curtains to block the light from coming in the window. 

• Download a white noise app on your phone to play to cover the noises that come in from outside. 

• Get a fan on the lowest setting and set it next to your bed. Or look for sheets designed specifically for people who over heat while sleeping. (It’s a common problem!) 

Stay hydrated throughout the day: 

This one might not seem like it could affect your sleep but stay with me! If you are properly hydrating yourself throughout the day, you won’t get that rush of “I’m so thirsty!!” late at night which can both: 

1. Make it difficult for you to fall asleep if you don’t get something to drink, as you’ll be physically uncomfortable from being dehydrated. 

2. Make it so you’re waking up constantly to use the bathroom, since you drank your days worth of water right before bed. 

Use that alarm an hour before bed as a sort of “last call” while you’re getting used to staying hydrated throughout the day if you need to. When it goes off use it as a check: do I need something to drink? If so, get a quick glass of water. Then (hopefully!) you won’t need another drink before bed, and it won’t be keeping you awake. 

If you need more support, contact us today! Our therapists can help you find a mindful nighttime routine that works for you.