5 Ways to Deal With Being Ghosted

Have you ever been ghosted? 

If you have, you know that it’s a uniquely painful experience. Ghosting is when someone you are in a relationship with disappears from your usual methods of contact suddenly. We hear a lot about ghosting in a dating context, because it’s become more and more popular in the era of dating apps, but friendships can end with ghosting too. It tends to happen in newer relationships, but it can also happen in more established ones. The aftermath of being ghosted can be a lot to deal with. 

Ghosting is painful for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to go from having some type of relationship with someone to silence with no warning or word as to why. It can be a big hit to your self-esteem to suddenly lose a relationship. It’s upsetting to think that you cared about someone more than they cared about you. Ghosting can also trigger abandonment trauma or fears of rejection. You might worry that no one will ever stick around in the future. 

Many of us have negative beliefs about ourselves, whether we realize it or not. There’s even a name for that critical voice in your head that reinforces those mean thoughts: the inner critic. This inner critic might tell you that you’re not loveable or not good enough. Being ghosted can reinforce those beliefs, even though they’re false. 

Ghosting is also painful because it removes any sense of closure. You might always wonder what actually happened or what would have happened if things went differently. While any relationship ending is painful, in most breakup situations, it’s clear to both sides what is going on. Ghosting removes that, so one person is left completely in the dark. 

Why do people ghost?

People’s reasons for ghosting may vary. Some people use it as a method of conflict avoidance, or out of fear. They may be afraid to have a serious conversation, afraid of the other person’s reaction, or even afraid of the unknown. Some people ghost out of a sense of self-preservation when a relationship is struggling. While it’s much better to be honest and communicate, some people might feel like going no contact is their only option. 

When people feel uncomfortable feelings, they can react in a number of ways. One way that some people react to uncomfortable emotions is by ghosting. This doesn’t excuse it, but it might give you some insight as to what is going on. 

Being ghosted feels terrible, no matter how it happens. If it’s happened to you, here are 5 ways to cope: 

Give yourself compassion

It can feel embarrassing to be ghosted, or you might feel like you did something wrong. Remember that you always deserve to be treated with respect, and give yourself lots of compassion. How would you talk to a friend in your situation? You’d probably remind them of how amazing they are, how much they have to offer, and how messed up it is that someone would treat them this way. Even if you have to pretend your friend is saying it to you, send that message of love, acceptance, and compassion to yourself. 

Don’t blame yourself

Ghosting isn’t about you. Being rejected this way feels intensely personal, but it’s often more about the person doing the ghosting and how they deal with things. You deserve to be treated with respect, and ghosting is as disrespectful as it gets. Even though it might be hard to wrap your head around it at first, anyone who deals with things by ghosting isn’t worth your time and energy anyway. 

Expose shame

Shame is really tricky to deal with. It often feels impossible to talk about, so it can be isolating. Ghosting in particular can cause shame. It feels bad to be rejected, and to make sense of it your brain might tell you that you did something to cause it. Remember though, that it’s not about you. Shame becomes less powerful when it’s shared, though. We all have things that trigger shame. Sharing about your shame with someone who is close to you can help you see how mean you’re being to yourself. 

Check your negative thoughts 

When you find yourself having distressing negative thoughts about yourself, try to check them. Are these thoughts facts, or are you dealing with cognitive distortions? Is this something that is true, or is this a story you have told yourself? Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren’t true, but that we grow to believe. When you notice them popping up, do what you can to challenge those thoughts.

Don’t reach out

Even though you wish things had gone differently, the person who ghosted you has made it clear that they aren’t interested in talking. It can feel tempting to try to look for them elsewhere on the internet, but try to resist that urge. Instead of dwelling on the person who ghosted, do your best to shift your thoughts away from them. This is where a mindfulness practice can come in handy. Mindfulness will help you practice noticing your thoughts and shifting your awareness. 

Being ghosted is painful. If you’re dealing with the aftermath of ghosting, talking with a therapist can help you work through the distress you’re feeling and find ways to cope that are specific to your needs. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

Gentle Movement Tips for A Healthier Relationship with Exercise

Having a regular source of happy, gente movement within our daily or weekly routines is important for many reasons! There are many connections between our mental and physical health, so we know that when we nurture both of them, it creates a positive cycle, wherein our positive physical health can help us maintain positive mental health, and so on. 

However, if you’ve had a history of disordered eating or disordered exercise habits, or just a difficult relationship with your body in general, the idea of establishing a new routine might feel a little scary. If that’s the case for you, here are 5 tips for working gentle movement into your routine in a way that works for you! 

Remember the purpose of your gentle movement: 

Gentle movement or moving our bodies in some way that feels good is important for our health–not for the reasons we often hear about in intense fitness environments, where fitness is more of a sport focused on pushing your body to extremes–but because our body and our brain feel better when we find ways to incorporate movement into our routines. Keep the purpose of feeling good at the center of your search for a gentle movement routine: if it starts to feel like drudergy or punishment, it’s time to find something new.  

Also remember, it’s not something you need every day. Some days are more active than others, and fitting in a movement routine on your active days is unnecessarily redundant–and restrictive because it’s making you stick to a rule without a reason, which is more like a punishment. If you spend the day at the park with your niece, you can skip the exercise routine, whatever it is, because your body has been attended to already.  

Keep a list of phrases to look out for: 

If you’ve had a problem with unhealthy exercise habits before (pushing your body past its limits, neglecting or opting out of hobbies or social events in order to stick to an intense, and regimentent workout routine, etc.) getting started with a new routine might seem daunting. Especially if a strict routine was part of what made your habits so imbalanced, establishing a new one might make you feel like you’re doing the opposite of what you should be doing. 

If you’re nervous about your goal of establishing a healthy routine of gentle movement leading you back to unhealthy patterns, it can be helpful to be aware of what phrases or thoughts you may need to look out for in order to be aware of how your mindset around your movement routine is doing. This is something you can work with your therapist on, so you can identify previous warning signs, negative thought patterns that have come up before, and what you can do in the moment if you do see those old negative thoughts reappearing.

Make enjoyment a priority: 

If you’re forcing yourself to exercise in a way that you don’t enjoy, it’s only going to feel like a punishment. And all that will teach you is that you deserve to feel unhappy or uncomfortable in your body–or that being “healthy” means feeling unhappy or uncomfortable in your body. Your movement doesn’t have to be exercise the way we usually think of it. You don’t have to go for a run around the block or sign up for a gym membership. 

Think of things that take you away from your desk or your couch that you enjoy. What sort of things are they? Do you have pets you like to play with? Do you have music you like to dance to? Are there things you could do in your community? If being involved in your community is a value of yours, there are probably many clubs or organizations in your community that need volunteers, and many of them probably have need for things that don’t involve sitting behind a desk! Do you have a friend you rarely have time to catch up with? Can you schedule a regular call with them (or in person if they’re local) where you can spend that time on a walk while you catch up with your friend? Remember to get creative! 

Tap into your inner child:

This is another way you can get creative with how you meet this need for yourself. Before there were unfair expectations or standards you felt you could never meet that dictated your relationship with your body, what was something you did as a child that made you feel good? Did you like to explore the woods or ride your bike or roller-skates? Think of things you did to “play” and what you got the most enjoyment from. Does any of it still sound fun? Could you find a way to incorporate it into your adult life, both to help feed that inner child and to give yourself a happy method of adding movement into your life?

Set limits with yourself: 

This is one you should discuss with your therapist, but it’s important to know when your behaviors have tipped from a healthy routine to a compulsion that may actually be detrimental to your health. Work with your therapist or a professional they recommend to identify what your warning signs and behaviors are, how you can manage them, and what preventative measures you can take or limits you can put on yourself as you establish a new routine to help you steer yourself away from those harmful habits. 

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

You’ve probably heard the word “triggered” before - it’s everywhere these days. Whether it’s a trigger warning or someone explaining that they’ve been triggered, more and more folks are becoming aware of the effects their emotional responses have on their day to day life. 

You may have experienced this yourself at some point. Have you ever had an experience where something happened, and your emotional reaction seemed way out of proportion with what was going on? 

An intense emotional reaction can be distressing. It’s a lot of work, mentally and physically, to be upset, and when a trigger comes seemingly out of nowhere, it can really throw you for a loop. 

What does being triggered mean?

When someone is triggered, that means that they are experiencing an intense emotional reaction to something. Triggers can be almost anything - something someone said or did, a smell or noise, a memory

Triggers don’t always have to be negative! There are times when something triggers a strong emotional response of joy, excitement, or happiness. However, it’s more common for people to be talking about a negative or unpleasant emotion when they discuss triggers and how to avoid them, because it’s much more uncomfortable to feel distressed than it is to feel happy. 

We have strong emotional reactions sometimes as humans, like when someone you care about passes away. When something is really emotional, we are wired to have a strong reaction to it. However, not every situation will cause such a strong reaction. When people find themselves having really strong emotional reactions to situations that don’t call for it, it can be upsetting. 

A trigger is something that is hard to avoid in daily life. Anything can be a trigger for someone, because everyone’s experiences are different. That’s why triggers are so hard to avoid - they’re a part of everyday life and relationships.

Things that trigger folks tend to be related to things like:

• unpleasant memories

• being confronted

• experiencing rejection or betrayal

• feeling unwelcome or vulnerable

• boundaries being crossed

• feeling controlled or taken advantage of

Any of these scenarios can trigger a strong emotional reaction.

What does being triggered feel like? 

When you’re triggered, it can feel intense. Many people experience an increase in their heart rate and breathing rate. You may also feel like your head is spinning, start to break out in a sweat, or feel like your stomach is upset. 

When your body is triggered, it goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode to help protect you. It’s an automatic reaction that comes from our evolutionary history, and was originally designed to keep us safe.

This high level of emotional intensity can be uncomfortable to experience on a regular basis. 

When you’re constantly breaking into fight or flight mode, it’s exhausting. Looking for danger around every turn is draining, and it can leave you feeling fatigued, irritable, and distressed. Feeling a high level of stress can also cause adverse physical symptoms after a while. Our bodies aren’t designed to be under extreme stress for long periods of time, so it can be hard on your body to feel constantly ready for danger. 

Although a trigger can be unavoidable, there are ways you can be more prepared when they come up, so you’re not left in so much distress each time. Here are some ways to cope when you feel triggered: 

Remind yourself where and when you are

A trigger is something that can throw you back into a painful or traumatic memory without much warning. When this happens, it can be hard to make sense of what is really happening, and what is your memory. Orienting yourself to the present moment can be helpful when you’re feeling swept up in a painful memory. 

You can do this in a few ways. You could look in the mirror and remind yourself that you’re grown up now and that you’re safe. Some people use things like tattoos or scars to remind themselves that they’re not a younger version of themselves. 

If you feel like you’re having an experience outside of your body, try to gently use your senses to check in with the present. Grounding exercises can be helpful here, such as using your senses to bring yourself back to the present. 

Remember that feelings are morally neutral

You aren’t a bad person for having intense feelings. It can be hard to deal with intense emotions, especially when they’re coming up all the time. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel what you feel. Feelings are morally neutral, they aren’t good or bad. This doesn’t mean that you can’t want to change your feelings. It just means that the emotions you feel don’t say anything about your value as a person. You’re allowed to have feelings, so don’t be hard on yourself for having them. 

Take a break if you can

Being triggered is intense and overwhelming. If you’re able to, try to get yourself to a nice quiet space where you can calm back down. 

Try using your breath to slow your mind back down. Being triggered can also make you feel like you’re short of breath, so it’s important to make sure to focus on breathing in and out, nice and slow. Spending a few minutes regulating your breath can go a long way toward calming you down. It’s hard to make choices when you’re in an emotionally heightened state, so giving yourself time and space to calm down can make a difference. 

Try to find some humor

Being triggered or being reminded of something traumatic isn’t funny. But sometimes there are ways to find humor in what’s going on around you. Finding something to laugh about can help diffuse the tension of what you’re dealing with and make you feel less distressed. Is there anything silly about what’s going on? Can you take a moment and laugh at yourself a bit? 

Use affirmations

Another way to interrupt the trigger response is to use affirmations or self-talk. The way you talk to yourself matters. A lot of us are way meaner to ourselves than we think, and when you’re in distress those mean thoughts can be excruciating. When your mind starts to do its own thing and criticize you or you feel like you can’t handle something, try to interrupt it. You can use affirmations consciously to shift your thinking. Try saying to yourself, “I’m doing the best that I can right now,” “I am safe,” or “I know I can handle whatever comes my way.”

Are you looking for more ways to deal with triggers or other strong emotional reactions? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about what specifically is a trigger for you and how you can deal with those triggers in a way that works for you. Contact our office today to get started.

How to Be There for A Friend with Chronic Pain

Do you have a loved one who deals with chronic pain?

If you don’t experience chronic pain, it can be hard to understand just how much it can impact someone’s life. While for most people, pain is unusual, a sign that something needs to be tended to immediately, for folks who manage chronic pain, it is a constant state. 

The baseline, rather than comfortable or content, is typically still some underlying degree of pain, even when on a pain management routine of some sort. Chronic pain impacts the sufferer from the moment they wake up until the time they go to sleep (and often in between as well, as chronic pain commonly impacts sleep!) so it can be hard to know how to help! 

If you’re looking for ways to support a loved one with chronic pain, here are 6 ways to be there for them:

Consider obstacles before proposing plans

Even something as simple as going for a walk can be difficult for someone with chronic pain. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for them, but when you’re planning outings that you want your friend with chronic pain to take part in, try to consider what problems it may bring up for them, and what accommodations can be made so that friend can still come and have a good time. Again, if you’re planning something like a hike or a walk, it could be as simple as making sure to pick a path with benches along it so there are places to rest along the trail without having to sit on the ground (which can be uncomfortable, embarrassing, or even impossible depending on the pain your friend experiences). 

Don’t leave them out of the planning

Even if you’ve considered the obstacles, you’re not the one with the chronic pain, so you’re not the expert on whether things have been taken care of! Make sure you let your friend know what you’ve thought of, but also ask them to please let you know if there’s something else they are concerned about so that you can make accommodations for them. For the above example it could be as simple as saying, “Hey, I’d love for you to come hiking with me. I found a trail with lots of benches so we can stop as often as we need to. Is there anything else I didn’t consider?” 

Don’t make them ask to use the accommodations: 

If you know something is an issue for your friend, try to offer the accommodations without waiting for them to ask for it. It can be vulnerable and even feel embarrassing to ask for accommodations others don’t need–especially if you’re in a large group–so they push through pain or discomfort rather than call attention to the fact that they need help. Using the hiking example, you can offer to take a break before your friend asks for one. It’s as simple as saying, “Hey let’s stop at the bench up there for a water break!” You don’t have to call attention to their discomfort, and you can show them you’re actively thinking about them & their needs. 

Understand there aren’t always accommodations that work: 

Your friend with chronic pain might not always be able to find a way to make your plans work. Whether it’s because they’re having a bad flare up, making the usual accommodations useless, or because there just isn’t a way for them to mitigate the pain they’d be experiencing if they participated, there just isn’t always a way to make it work. It’s not a personal judgment if they say they can’t come, and while you might feel tempted to over apologize, that might actually make them feel worse–then they have to comfort you because their pain prevents them from participating. Instead, let them know you’ll miss them and that you do something with them soon. 

Offer help if you can: 

Not everyone has the energy or the time to take on some extra responsibility for their loved ones, but if you’re able to, offering to pick up the slack for your friend every now and then can be a wonderful way to support them. Living with chronic pain can make it difficult to stay on top of things like dishes or laundry or grocery shopping–basic maintenance things. Because often the pain is so severe it is difficult to function or focus on anything else. Severe pain also makes sleep difficult, exacerbating the cycle. If you have some spare time in your week every now and then, check in with your friend, ask if there’s anything you can help them out with. If they’ve been complaining of their pain more and more frequently, let them know you’ve noticed and ask if there’s anything you can do to lighten the load! 

Believe what they tell you, not what you see:

Folks who have been living with chronic pain for years may not look like they are in pain from the outside. When there’s no break from the pain, it becomes a new normal that they have had to adjust to–however that doesn’t mean they aren’t in pain. If your friend has chronic headaches, but looks “normal” when they’re in pain, that doesn’t mean they are faking. The way they look “normally” is what they look like when they’re in pain, because pain is normal for them.

Do you know someone living with chronic pain who needs support? Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians!