5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in the same thought loop, no matter how distressing it is? 

When you get stuck in a never ending loop of negative thoughts about a situation, you might be ruminating. This distressing pattern of thinking can be hard to break out of, but there are things you can do to help yourself when you find yourself stuck in rumination. 

What is rumination?

Rumination is “obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes that interfere with other forms of mental activity.”

Rumination is different from other kinds of thinking in that it keeps you focused on the negative and is hard to break out of. Rumination becomes a problem when you can only focus on the negative parts of situations or when your thoughts become excessive or overly repetitive, because it causes distress. 

The key to rumination is that no action is taken to lower the feelings of distress - it just becomes a cycle of obsessive thinking without a solution. 

Why is ruminating unhelpful?

It's not always a bad thing to focus on something. Sometimes, it’s helpful to do some deep thinking about a situation. Thinking about things from the past can help you learn lessons from past mistakes and increase your level of self-awareness. Considering future situations can help you prepare yourself for what’s coming. 

Ruminating doesn’t help with any of these things, because it relies on inaction. When you don’t take action to either apply the lessons you’ve learned or prepare yourself for what’s coming, it’s hard to get out of this negative thought process. Rumination keeps you stuck in a state of worry and distress, instead of allowing you to move forward. 

The next time you get stuck ruminating on a situation, remember you don’t have to stay there. Here are 5 things you can do to stop ruminating and lower your distress: 

Distract yourself

When something distressing is happening to you, it’s okay to distract yourself from it. Distraction isn’t always the best solution to dealing with feelings, because it can lead to ignoring or repressing them, which can have negative consequences. When you’re stuck in a thought pattern that you can’t get out of, though, sometimes the best thing you can do is distract yourself. 

Distraction can help redirect your attention onto something less distressing, so you can break the cycle of rumination. Try watching a new show or movie that has an interesting plot or something complicated you can follow to take your focus away from what’s upsetting you. You can also try exercise, listening to music or a podcast, reading a book or listening to an audiobook, chatting with a friend, making art, cleaning, doing a house project, or even taking a nap. 

Make adjustments as needed 

Sometimes it can be hard to break out of rumination because you wish you had done something differently. Regret is complicated, but it can feel tempting to focus your attention on what went wrong instead of what you can do to prevent it from happening again. 

If this is the case for you, make a point of acknowledging what is painful about the situation. You can even say to yourself, “Wow, I wish I would have done that differently.” Instead of getting stuck in a shame spiral, though, remind yourself that there are things you can do to learn from this experience. Keep those lessons in mind and then try to forgive yourself for what happened. It might take time, but remember that everyone makes mistakes. You’re allowed to make mistakes too, and it doesn’t make you a terrible person. It just makes you human. 

Try a grounding or mindfulness exercise

Rumination is tricky because we often don’t realize it’s happening until we’re in the middle of it. One way to help is to try to bring yourself back to the present moment. A mindfulness practice can be helpful with this, as can grounding exercises. 

Not only will grounding or mindfulness help in the moment, practicing them regularly can help you in the future to redirect your thoughts  before you get too distressed. Grounding can help you become reacquainted with your body in the present moment. One common grounding practice is to use your senses to focus on what’s happening in the moment. Try naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This exercise will not only distract you from the distress of rumination, but it will also help you step out of the negative thought pattern you’re stuck in. The more you practice the easier it will be to use these skills when you need them! 

Stick to a time limit

Even when we have the best intentions to not ruminate on something, it’s easy to find yourself stuck in your thoughts. If you really feel like you need to ruminate on something for a bit, give yourself permission to do so, but set a time limit for yourself. 

Remember, rumination isn’t actually productive or helpful, it just keeps you stuck in the negative. Give yourself 20 minutes to focus on this, and then when the timer goes off, stick to your boundary and move on to something that will actually be helpful. 

Trust and believe in yourself 

Rumination can lead to lowered self-esteem because it keeps you second guessing yourself instead of moving forward. One powerful way to interrupt rumination is to remind yourself that you are capable and to believe in yourself. Think about it: you’ve survived every bad situation or mistake you’ve ever made. Even if you’d do things differently, you still made it through. You’re much more capable than you think and give yourself credit for. Having the confidence in yourself that you can get through anything can be like armor that protects you from the negative effects of rumination. So, you made a mistake. Who hasn’t? You’re still amazing, and you can still handle everything that comes your way. 

If you’re struggling with obsessive or distressing thoughts, working with a therapist can help. You don’t have to say feeling this way forever. Get in touch with our office today to make an appointment and get started. 

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

Relationship conflict is normal. Everyone is different and no two people will see eye to eye on everything all the time. People grow and change and that can be difficult in relationships when you don’t grow at the same rate. Since all relationships have conflict, learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way is important in adult relationships. Having a fight is not the end of the world. What really matters is how you attempt to repair from that fight, or what kind of repair attempts you and your partner make. 

It’s easy to get so caught up in an argument that you don't realize you’re not able to respond in a productive way until it's far too late. During conflicts, couples often become so flooded with emotion that they can’t work together to find a solution or come to an agreement. Repair attempts can also be useful in interrupting conflicts before partners get to the point where they’re emotionally flooded and can’t move forward. 

Healthy vs unhealthy conflict in relationships

There are different types of conflict in relationships, and conflict can be healthy or unhealthy to the connection of the relationship. It might sound surprising, but lots of arguments that happen in relationships can’t be solved.

Solvable conflicts are disagreements where you can reach a solution, but most conflicts in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. A big part of relationships is learning how to respectfully live with and love someone who you don’t always agree with. Even when an argument is perpetual, conflict can still happen in a healthy or unhealthy way. 

Signs of unhealthy conflict in relationships:

• The “4 Horsemen” of relationship conflict are known as such because their presence indicates serious peril for couples:

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

• Criticism

• Defensiveness

• Isolation

• Manipulation

• Dishonesty

• Control

• Aggression

• Fear

• A winner or loser 

Signs of healthy conflict in relationships: 

• Repair attempts

• Being gentle with each other

• Considering triggers 

• Meaning making as a unit

• Recognizing the difference between solvable and perpetual conflicts

• Accountability + apologies where necessary 

• Mutual respect 

• Trust 

• No winners or losers

What are repair attempts?

According to The Gottman Institute, which specializes in relationships, repair attempts are “any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. Repair attempts can be humorous or more serious. 

The repair attempts that work for your relationship might look different to what works for a friend or family member, and that’s okay. Every relationship is different. You each bring your own experiences, feelings, attachment styles, and histories to the table, which means it’s up to you both to figure out what works best for you. 

Why repair attempts work during conflict 

When you use a repair attempt during a conflict, it shows your partner that you’re committed to resolving the underlying issue instead of getting caught up in the emotion of the argument. It’s like a signal between the two of you that you’re on the same team, even when you don’t always agree. It’s helpful to be reminded that our partners are on our side, especially when we’re at risk of getting carried away with our emotions. 

Some relationship experts describe repair attempts as a pause or reset button. “When they work, repair attempts are like hitting the reset button. The argument may not be over but the hostility and aggression disappear even though the conflict remains.”

How to make repair attempts during a conflict

So, when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship, how can you make a repair attempt? There are several ways to go about repair attempts, depending on what your goal is at the moment. 

You may be trying to defuse the tension, let your partner know how you feel about what is being said, interrupt before you get carried away, work toward compromise, apologize, express appreciation for your partner, or something else entirely. 

A repair attempt doesn’t always have to be verbal, either. Since a repair attempt is supposed to be a signal to both parties to pause, it can be as simple as a loving touch on their hand. Some couples even agree that their go-to repair attempt is making a funny face at their partner, as a signal that the conflict has spiraled out of hand and to reel it back in. Others pick a word to say so their partner will know they’re emotionally flooded and need to hit pause. 

Some other examples of repair attempts are: 

• “Can we hit pause on this and come back when we’re calmed down?”

• “I’m overwhelmed and need a break.”

• “What you’re saying makes sense.”

• “I love you.”

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

• “Please let me finish what I was saying.”

• “We’re getting off track here.”

• “I feel criticized. Could you say that differently?”

• “I reacted inappropriately. I’m sorry.”

• “Let me try again.”

• “What you just said hurt my feelings.”

• “Can we agree to disagree on this?”

• “We can figure this out together.”

When you’re stuck on what to do as a repair attempt, remember that everyone likes to feel validated. How can you let your partner know that you are actively listening and empathize with their emotions? Keeping that in mind during conflicts can help you figure out how to approach your partner to repair. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your relationship? Learning how to use repair attempts during arguments can be a game-changer. Working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner find ways to hit pause during conflicts that work for you and your circumstances so you continue to feel like you’re on the same team instead of working against each other. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy! 

5 Reasons Why Crying is Good For You

5 Reasons Why Crying is Good For You

When was the last time you had a good cry?

Many of us think of crying as a negative thing, but crying is actually an important function, physically and mentally. Crying is an often cathartic release that can improve mood, sleep, and relationships, and lower stress levels when you’re feeling emotionally triggered. 

Not everyone is a crier. While some folks cry easily and regularly, others rarely cry, if at all. 

There are a few reasons for this. First, everyone is different, and everyone experiences emotions differently. Some people are just wired to be more sensitive to crying than others, and that’s okay. A common reason why people are afraid to cry is because they feel like if they start, they’ll never stop. If you never let yourself have the kind of cathartic release that crying can bring, you’ll start to feel overwhelmed by the emotions you’re pushing down.

Others feel that crying is a sign of weakness. It’s also important to point out the gender roles at play here. Women are far more likely to cry than men, and crying is often seen as feminine or unprofessional. According to the American Psychological Association, the average woman cries 30-64 times a year, compared to men who cry 5-17 times a year on average. These beliefs encourage people who cry easily to not be taken seriously, especially in the workplace or in leadership roles. 

Of course, sometimes crying isn’t a positive experience. Sometimes crying is a result of pain or distress that can’t be relieved by tears alone. Context matters with crying - for a good cry, it helps to be somewhere you feel safe and comfortable, rather than somewhere public or with people you don’t know well. It’s much more preferable to cry at home on the couch with your best friend than to cry in a conference room full of strangers. 

What is it about crying that is good for you? Here are 5 reasons: 

Crying relieves stress 

Not only is a bout of crying a helpful emotional release, but it can also help remove stress hormones from your body through your tears. That’s right! Tears actually have functions other than to communicate distress. Research has shown that cortisol, a stress hormone, is released in tears and that crying in and of itself may lower cortisol levels, which can reduce stress in the body. Crying also releases oxytocin and endorphins, both of which can reduce pain and leave you feeling good. 

Crying improves relationships

Crying serves an important function for infants - it alerts their caregivers that they need something. From the time we’re born, crying helps us build connections with others. Vulnerability is scary but it can bring you closer to your loved ones when you experience it together. Think of a time when a loved one was vulnerable and cried in front of you. This can often trigger empathy and leave you feeling even closer than you did before. 

Tears are good for your vision

When you produce tears, they help keep your eyes lubricated and healthy. One type of tear, called reflex tears, are a direct response to debris in the eye. These tears move whatever the dangerous or uncomfortable thing is out of your eye to keep it from becoming irritated or injured. Some people deal with chronic dry eyes, where their eyes don’t produce enough of the moisture needed to stay comfortable and see correctly. Crying can help moisten up your eyes if you struggle with dry eyes. 

Crying is a way to physically process emotions

Crying is often associated with grief and sadness, because it’s a release from those painful emotions. Crying is itself a physical way to process emotions. Our emotions are not just stored in our minds; our bodies hold onto emotion and trauma. This is why engaging the body when approaching healing work can be so helpful. When you’re emotionally activated and you’re feeling out of control, a crying session might help flush out the uncomfortable emotions so you can approach things with a clear head instead of acting without thinking. 

Crying allows you to calm down

Sometimes it’s hard to calm yourself down when you’re feeling emotionally activated. Crying is a way you can practice self-soothing, because it activates your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). When your PNS is online, your body goes into rest mode, and can help you feel more calm. This can help you feel more clear headed and lower the drive to do something out of urgency or because you’re upset. Activating your parasympathetic nervous system can also help improve sleep because it switches your body from fight or flight mode to relax mode, which can make it easier to settle down for the night. 

So, go ahead and have a good cry. You’ll probably feel better afterwards! 

If you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing a lot of crying that isn’t normal for you, talking with a therapist can be helpful. Get in touch with our office today to book an appointment. 

5 Practices for When You Feel Off and Don't Know Why

Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just feeling off and you don’t know why?

Maybe you feel a bit tired, even if you got enough rest. Maybe you’ve got no appetite, even though you have a fridge full of food you enjoy eating. Maybe you just feel a bit down and aren’t sure why. 

When we’re not feeling good, the best thing to do is to tend to whatever it is that’s causing it. But when we don’t know why we’re feeling off, it can be hard to figure out what self care practices would be helpful, and which would be nice but ultimately ineffective in helping you address the problem. 

While much of self care relies on regular habits–refilling your prescriptions, taking your medication, feeding yourself with food that nourishes your body and soul, making intentional space for relationships, finding joyful and gentle ways to move your body, taking dedicated time outside of your comfort zone, etc–we can still do as needed self care in addition to all of these wonderful habits when we need a little extra care and intention. 

So what can we do when we’re feeling off and don’t know why?

1). Try a body scan 

It might seem silly, but there may be tension, pain or discomfort that you’re not noticing in your body, but that could be impacting you all the same. Something like a headache, if it’s mostly affecting your eyes you may just think you feel tired. Taking time to breathe deeply and go over each part of your body slowly to check in with how it feels can help bring your attention to things you may have been overlooking. This is also a good self-check in practice to incorporate into your regular routine! Try starting or ending your day with one. 

2). Get water and a snack and check in with yourself in 15 minutes 

Being hungry or dehydrated can impact your energy levels, your ability to focus, it can give you head or stomach pains, leave you feeling achy all over, worsen your mood and more. When you can’t figure out why you’re feeling “off” get yourself a big glass of water and a filling snack, like peanut butter toast or a protein bar. Then check in with yourself in ten or fifteen minutes to see how you’re feeling. It may just be that your attention wasn’t present in your body and you weren’t noticing your hunger or thirst cues. 

3). Release what’s on your mind

If there’s something nagging at the back of your mind, it could be throwing you off. Even if you think it’s not a big deal, pushing away our feelings never makes them go away. It’s possible that neglected emotional discomfort could be yelling for your attention through physical discomfort. Take a few minutes to write a stream of consciousness in a journal, or call a friend you can vent to, in order to release those feelings. Choosing someone you trust to talk to about it can also help you gain perspective on whatever you’re experiencing, but even just voicing the feelings out loud helps to relieve how all consuming they can feel. 

4). Try to sit with the feeling

Instead of brushing it off as an “off day” after you’ve given other self care a try, really take time trying to sit with that feeling to find where it’s coming from. Are you unhappy? Are you resentful? Are you bored? Maybe that off feeling isn’t so much about something happening right now, but a more general discontentedness with some area of your life. Ask yourself, what parts of the day do you feel this “off” feeling the most strongly? Is there anyone who helps to ease it? Anyone to exacerbates it? Are there parts of your daily routine where you can’t seem to focus on anything but that “off” feeling? You may need a change in your life. Getting curious about when and how you feel that “off” feeling can help lead you to areas of your life that maybe need more intention from you. Perhaps the communication in your relationship hasn’t been as intimate or connected as you would like, and that’s leaving you feeling off centered, even if nothing is technically “wrong.” For this sort of exercise, remind yourself there is no right or wrong way to feel. If you’re not feeling content with something, that doesn’t mean you’re greedy or ungrateful, it just means you’re ready to find something that will work better with you. 

5). Take the day off from your regular responsibilities 

A sick day or a mental health day, or just a day where you turn your phone off and don’t look at any notifications that pop up. Clear your day for rest and rejuvenation. When you’re not bogged down by responsibilities, where are you naturally drawn? Maybe you sincerely do want to do some mindful chores, to take care of your space as a way to thank it for taking care of you. Maybe you want to focus on your physical wellbeing and have a nice long shower, go for a walk, do some stretching, and cook a big nourishing meal. Instead of trying to solve the problem of what’s “wrong”, give yourself permission to follow what calls to you–you may be unknowingly meeting some of those neglected needs!  

If you want some extra figuring out where this feeling is coming from, working with a therapist can help you. Give our office a call today to get more information or to schedule an appointment.