Understanding Your Attachment Style to Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever noticed patterns that keep coming up in your relationships with others?

If you have, you’re not alone. These patterns can often be traced back to what’s called your attachment style. Your attachment style is the way that you form relationships with the people closest to you, and it’s heavily influenced by the way you were treated by your caregivers growing up. 

Being in relationships with other people can sometimes bring up complicated feelings, and even lead us to behave in ways we don’t always understand. When we experience disconnection in our relationships, some of us might tend to pull away, while others might cling even harder to the other person. Some of us might do some combination of both. Often, these reactions aren’t something that we think about - they’re fairly automatic responses that we’ve been using since childhood.

When we talk about attachment, we often think about romantic relationships, but romantic relationships aren’t the only relationships where attachment styles come into play. The way we attach to others affects all aspects of our lives, from friendships to workplace dynamics, and even how we connect with family members. 

Understanding your attachment style more deeply can be a key to not only improving romantic partnerships, but also deepening your connection with family, friends, coworkers, and your community as a whole.

Where our attachment styles come from

Attachment theory was initially developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. It explored the emotional connection between a child and their primary caregiver. Bowlby’s work, which was later expanded on by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, identified distinct patterns of attachment in children. These patterns are largely determined by how caregivers respond to the child’s needs for comfort and security.

Throughout childhood, the ways our caregivers respond to our emotional needs teach us what to expect from others. Emotional connection is actually a matter of life or death for us when we’re young. Think about it - without the help of a caregiver, babies wouldn’t be able to survive on their own. The care we receive as children influences how we perceive relationships as we grow up, and we carry these relational patterns into adulthood. 

If our caregivers were emotionally available and attuned when we were children, we are more likely to form secure attachments. On the other hand, inconsistent or emotionally distant caregiving can lead to developing an insecure attachment style. These patterns don't just stay within the confines of childhood—they influence how we form and maintain all kinds of relationships later in life.

What are the different attachment styles?

There are four main attachment styles that people develop in childhood: Secure Attachment, and then what are known as insecure attachment styles, which include Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment, and Disorganized Attachment. 

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals often worry about being abandoned or not being loved enough. This fear stems from inconsistent caregiving—perhaps you received comfort and attention from your caregivers some of the time, but at other times, it was unavailable. As a result, you might feel a heightened need for reassurance in relationships.

In adult relationships, this may manifest as needing constant validation from friends, partners, or even colleagues, with a persistent fear that relationships could fall apart. You might feel overly sensitive to any perceived rejection or distancing. This can be overwhelming to deal with, especially if your partner also has an insecure attachment style, and lead to wedges in your relationships, which is the opposite of what you crave. 

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to downplay their emotional needs and prefer to be independent. This attachment style is often a result of caregivers being emotionally unavailable or dismissive of your needs when you were growing up. 

In adult relationships, you may feel uncomfortable with intimacy or vulnerability. You might prefer to keep relationships at arm’s length. This can affect romantic relationships as well as friendships, making it hard to connect deeply. You might find yourself pulling away from others when emotional closeness is expected. If your partner also has an insecure attachment style, the ways they try to gain closeness might feel suffocating to you, which leads to you pulling away further, making the cycle worse. 

Disorganized Attachment

A disorganized attachment style is often the result of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving that fluctuates between comfort and fear. Children with this attachment style learn that their caregivers are sources of both safety and harm, creating confusion and anxiety around connection.

In adult relationships, disorganized attachment can show up as chaotic or unpredictable relationship patterns. You may feel drawn to relationships but fear being hurt, leading to push-pull dynamics or difficulty trusting others. Often, the inconsistency can be confusing for other people you’re in relationships with, and lead to further disconnection. 

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style develops when your caregivers were consistently responsive to your emotional needs when you were young. Because of this, you learned that relationships are safe, stable, and nurturing. 

In adult relationships, those with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier relationship dynamics. You likely feel comfortable being vulnerable, can trust others, and can navigate conflict with confidence. Having a secure attachment style can be a protective factor during times of relationship stress and conflict, because you trust that you will eventually return to safety together. 

How our attachment styles show up in our relationships

While we often think of attachment in the context of romantic partnerships, your attachment style can influence different relationships, including:

• Friendships: An anxiously attached person might worry excessively about whether their friends truly like them, while someone with an avoidant style might struggle to be fully present in intimate friendships.

• Workplace: In professional environments, someone with disorganized attachment may experience heightened stress around authority figures or struggle with trust and communication, while securely attached individuals are more likely to collaborate confidently.

• Family: For those with avoidant attachment, emotional distance might extend into family dynamics, leading to feelings of isolation or disconnect.

How can you determine which attachment style you tend to fall into?

Understanding which attachment style you tend to experience can help you recognize negative patterns and explain why you tend to react in certain ways when you feel disconnected in your relationships. Determining which attachment style you gravitate toward takes self reflection on your patterns from childhood to now. 

You can begin by:

• Reflecting on your childhood experiences: How did your caregivers respond when you needed comfort or support? Were they consistently available, or were their responses unpredictable? Did you feel like you could rely on your caregivers for safety?

• Noticing patterns in your relationships: Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others? Or do you tend to pull away when people get too close? Do you find yourself in a confusing push-pull pattern? 

• Taking an online assessment: There are online quizzes and self-assessments that can help you identify your attachment style. Keep in mind that anyone can make an online quiz, though. An online assessment might be a good starting point before you begin working with a mental health professional.

• Working with a therapist: Therapy can be an excellent place to dive deeper into your attachment patterns and explore the impact they have on your adult relationships. A therapist can help you reflect on your childhood experiences as well as your adult relationships, and help you determine which attachment style you tend to experience. 

Attachment style isn’t fixed

One important thing to note is that your attachment style isn't set in stone. Your attachment style is a relational trait that can change over time, especially as you grow in self-awareness and experience new, healthier relationships. You might also experience a different attachment style in different relationships. You might experience anxious attachment with your romantic partner, and avoidant attachment with a family member, for example. 

Whichever attachment styles you experience, it’s never too late to work toward security, trust, and deeper connection. By understanding your attachment style, you can create more meaningful, fulfilling relationships in every area of your life, from romantic partners to lifelong friends. 

Are you looking for more support in your relationships? Working with a therapist can help you explore your relational patterns and understand your attachment style. Our clinicians have appointments available - contact us today to get started.

The Mental Health Benefits of Having Pets

Have you ever noticed that spending time with an animal can make you feel great?

Whether it’s the wagging tail of a dog greeting you when you come home, the soft purring of a cat curled up on your lap, or the calming sight of fish swimming in a tank, pets have an undeniable way of bringing joy into our lives, and that joy can make a big difference in your mental health. Pets offer us comfort and unconditional love, which can be protective in times when you’re struggling with your mental health. 

If you’ve ever wondered why so many people are drawn to pet ownership, it might surprise you just how much our furry (or scaly!) friends help improve our well-being, even if they’re a lot of work sometimes. Animals offer us far more than simply companionship - they become a part of our lives and our well-being, helping us to thrive mentally, emotionally, and even socially. 

Why We’re Drawn to Pets

Pets offer a deep sense of companionship, loyalty, and love. Animals don’t judge us or make us feel bad about ourselves; they simply love us. In a world that often feels overwhelming, pets provide an unwavering, safe source of affection and comfort. Taking care of a pet can remind us to take care of ourselves. After all - who’s going to take care of your beloved pet if you aren’t able to? Taking care of yourself helps you take care of your pet, and this can be helpful for those of us who feel stretched thin by responsibilities and expectations. 

The bond between humans and animals is truly unique, and the benefits of having a pet go beyond just companionship. Here are a few ways that having pets can benefit your mental health:

Manage stress

Studies have demonstrated that simply petting an animal can reduce stress. Stroking a cat’s fur or hugging a dog lowers your level of cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone, and promotes relaxation. Because of this, having a pet nearby can make stressful situations feel more manageable. 

In addition to lowering our stress hormone levels, pets offer us a reprieve from the stresses of daily life. Their presence provides an escape from our fast-paced world, encouraging us to slow down and live in the moment. Just watching your pet go about their day can be a soothing, calming experience.

Provide companionship

In moments of loneliness, having a pet by your side can make all the difference. Pets provide nonjudgmental companionship, offering unconditional love and support without any expectations. They are always there for us, whether we’re having a great day or a difficult one. 

For women who often juggle multiple roles—whether it's in the workplace, at home, or in relationships—having a pet can provide a sense of stability and comfort that feels grounding. The act of simply being in the presence of an animal has been shown to release oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding and reduces feelings of isolation.

Give us a routine

Caring for a pet adds structure to our day, giving us a sense of purpose and routine, which is especially helpful during periods of uncertainty. We tend to be creatures of habit, and having a routine can be protective for your mental health, especially when times are tough. Knowing that you need to take the dog out or give the cat his medicine adds structure and purpose to your day to day routine. Our pets’ routines can give us something positive to focus on, which can be calming.

Encourage physical activity

Moving your body can boost your mood, reduce anxiety, and even improve your energy levels.  Pets give us a perfect opportunity to engage in physical activity. This is especially true for pets that require lots of activity, like dogs. Pets keep us moving, whether we’re taking the dog for a walk, playing fetch, or chasing the cat around the house.. Physical activity has a profound impact on mental health, boosting mood, reducing anxiety, and improving overall energy levels. Even if you don’t have a dog, spending time with pets, playing, grooming, or caring for them, creates small but meaningful moments of movement and engagement.

Facilitate social connections

Pets help us connect with other people, which is essential to us as social animals. Think about it -  pets are great conversation starters! Whether it’s chatting with other dog owners at the park or striking up a conversation at the vet’s office, pets create opportunities for social interaction that we wouldn’t always get without them. Even for those of us who struggle with anxiety in social situations, pets can act as an icebreaker, making it easier to connect with others.

If you’re feeling isolated, particularly if you work from home or live alone, having a pet can fill that void. Surveys of pet owners have shown that people who own pets often feel a stronger sense of community and belonging, even if it’s just from connecting with fellow pet owners. Reducing loneliness and fostering a sense of inclusion and community can have a positive impact on your overall mental health. 

Help explore new interests

In addition to facilitating social connections, becoming a pet owner can introduce you to new hobbies and interests. Whether it’s learning about pet care, joining a community of pet lovers, or discovering a favorite walking route, pets open the door to new experiences that enrich our lives. Trying new things is powerful for our brains - it can help support our cognitive abilities, and be protective as we age, in addition to providing us with variety and fun. 

Encourage mindfulness and staying present

Animals live entirely in the present moment. Our pets can teach us to be more connected to the present rather than worrying about the future or stressing about the past. Pets don’t worry about what people think of them. They don’t care about your job or your love life, or that chore you’ve been avoiding. They just care about being with you, right now, which can be a helpful reminder to enjoy all of life’s moments, big or small. Pets encourage us to be more mindful of the here and now—something that can be incredibly healing for our mental health. Mindfulness is a powerful skill that can help with anxiety, depression, and even chronic pain relief. 

Show us unconditional love

There’s nothing like experiencing the unconditional love of a pet. We are the entire world to our beloved animals, and it’s clear to see when they’re delighted as you walk through the door, when they curl up next to you, or when they respond to your voice. Pets offer us unconditional love, even when we feel like we don’t deserve it, which can be especially powerful.

Give us a reason to keep going

Being a person is hard, and there are times when it’s tough to find a reason to keep going. Pets  can be a big source of comfort during tough times. Our pets give us a sense of stability in our lives, and can make us feel needed. Caring for pets can help us feel a sense of purpose that’s greater than ourselves, and that can make a big difference for people. After all, that’s why people are drawn to art, religion, and nature, to name a few. 

Pet ownership isn’t the only way to tend to your mental health, of course. Making time for regular self care, social connections, and working with a therapist are other ways to support your mental health. If you’d like to start working with a therapist, our clinicians are accepting appointments. Get started here.

IMPROVE the Moment: Coping with Distress with DBT

One of the hard truths in life is that no matter how much self care, healing, or therapy you go through, there are still always going to be things in our lives we can’t control, and sometimes those things are going to be painful. From large scale things we can’t change, like death or disease, to small scale things like disappointing others or feeling heartbreak, there will always be things out of the orbit of our control. 

That loss of control we experience can make us feel helpless, or anxious, or depressed, or even scared. It’s hard to come to terms with things we can’t control, and it takes a lot of practice. And without learning how to practice, sometimes it feels easier in the moment to find ways to numb or distract ourselves instead–usually because we don’t have the resources to navigate these feelings any other way! And while distraction or self numbing can ease suffering in the short term, they don’t offer us long term solutions, and can create new obstacles for us to overcome when we’re finally ready to access what we’re feeling. 

Within Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) there’s something called distress tolerance skills. These skills, habits and practices are things we can learn within a supportive environment, and they can help us learn to tolerate and navigate through distress, rather than be taken over by it. 

One of these skills is the IMPROVE the moment skill.  

As you may have guessed, IMPROVE is an acronym, to help you remember the components of the skill which include:

I: imagery. 

Imagine yourself in a different situation than where you are now. Take yourself somewhere safe, calming, reassuring, and grounding. As you imagine yourself there, try to tap into what those safe feelings are. Are you breathing deeply? Are you grounded in your environment?

Another option for Imagery is to imagine the best outcome of the scenario you’re currently in. What is the best option here? How can you get yourself there? 

M: Meaning

It can be easier to cope with pain when you’re also able to find meaning in your situation. Are you spiritual? Can you find spiritual meaning in your experience? You may need to talk to your spiritual advisors or community to explore this. 

P: Prayer

Prayer can be incredibly helpful in times of crisis, and it doesn’t have to be religious nature. If you consider yourself spiritual, prayer is a way to connect with your spirituality by simply putting intention behind your words or rituals in an effort to connect with something outside of yourself. 

R: Relaxation. 

What can you do in moments of distress to help yourself relax? Can you practice breathwork or grounding exercises? Can you engage in a full body scan, checking in with each part of your body to see where it needs attention and care, or where you’re holding your tension? Can you go for a walk? Try to keep a list of effective relaxation methods for yourself, so that you can easily refer to it in moments of high stress. 

O: One Thing in the Moment. 

Distress often forces us out of the present moment, ruminating on past mistakes or feeling anxious about the future. When you make an effort to simply bring your attention to what you’re doing in the present moment, you can help reduce that distress and rumination. 

V: Vacation. 

Can you find a way to take some distance from this experience? You may not be able to actually take a vacation, but finding ways to give yourself intentional breaks is key when managing distress. Staying in the thick of a distressing moment can actually make it harder to navigate through–giving yourself time to destress can help you gain perspective, and feel more able to manage what you need to. 

E: Encouragement. 

What you say to yourself matters! When you catch yourself saying something negative to yourself, try to notice how it makes you feel. Probably bad! When you take time to say nice things to yourself like, “this sucks but I can get through it” how do you feel? You don’t need to say something overly positive that you don’t believe–but even just giving yourself kudos for getting through a hard situation can be very powerful. 

Are you interested in DBT? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer DBT therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com

Supporting Your Mental Health During Your Freshman Year of College

Starting your freshman year of college is an exciting time, and it can also be overwhelming. 

Going to college is a huge transition, even if it’s one you’re ready for. For many, it’s their first time living on their own and being in charge of their own time. The academic work is harder. You have to learn how to manage your time and meet your own needs in a way that might be new to you. You might be living in a new city where you don’t know anyone, or even how to get around. And all of these changes happen in a few short weeks!

Life transitions, like starting college, can make a big impact on your mental health.

Why are life transitions, like going to starting your freshman year of college, so hard?

Even though change is a reality of life, it’s still hard to go through. You can even be really excited about the change and still have a hard time adapting to it. That’s because our brains love routine. When we interrupt the routine that our brain knows, it feels uncomfortable. It takes time to establish a new routine that feels safe and comforting, the way your old one did. 

You’re probably going to feel like a totally different person in a few months once your first semester of college is over, because college is an intense experience. In addition to the academic side, the social side of college and tasting adult independence for the first time can make a big change in how you move through the world. You might gain confidence, understand yourself better, and feel more capable than you do right now. 

Of course, not every college freshman is 18 years old and brand new to adulthood. Even if your freshman year of college isn’t the first time you had a taste of independence as an adult, finding a school-life balance that works for you might take some trial and error. 

Finding the right ways to take care of your mental health as an adult takes some trial and error. If you’re working on supporting your mental health during your freshman year of college, here are some things to keep in mind to help you: 

Put yourself out there

While college is academic, the social experience of higher education is an important piece for many people. It can be intimidating to have to build up a whole new social circle out of thin air. The nice thing about going to college is that everyone is kind of in the same boat - most people don’t know each other. Most people are looking to make new friends and social connections to help them through the next few years of school, and maybe beyond. The first few weeks of college, there will be numerous opportunities for you to meet new people. Even if you’re not typically a super social person, making the most of those first few months at school and going to events that interest you can help you meet new people. You don’t have to go to every little thing, but try to pick a few groups or clubs that interest you, and start there. 

If you’re living on campus, go to the activities your dorm throws until you meet some people and can plan your own activities. Keep your door open when you’re able to so people can drop by in the first few weeks of school and you can get to know them. If you’re living off campus, it can be especially important to go to events to meet people because you don’t have the opportunity to meet people in the dorms.

Don’t overload yourself 

While it’s important to join groups or try new things in college, it’s also critical that you don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Don’t take more classes than you can handle. Don’t join more groups than you can actually commit to. Don’t stretch yourself too thin. You’ll have time to do the things you want to do. You don’t have to do it all fall semester freshman year. 

Setting boundaries can be helpful when you’re working to not overwhelm yourself. Whether it’s with your roommate(s), your friends, study partners, coworkers, or family, it’s okay to let people know what you’re able to do and what you’re not available for. 

Remember that everyone is feeling the same pressure 

The first few weeks of college are weird and they go by really fast. Everyone is feeling the same pressure to make friends and figure out who they are on campus. You’re not the only one who is going through this intense experience, and you’re certainly not the only one struggling. It might be helpful to remind yourself that most people are probably feeling pretty vulnerable, even if you find them intimidating. Be compassionate with yourself as you navigate this major transition. 

Lean on your support system

Freshman year of college is one of the first times you can lean on your support system as an adult. We all need sources of support in our lives, and knowing who your support system is can help you in moments when you’re struggling with your mental health. Think ahead of time who you can call or text for help when you need a friendly shoulder to lean on. Maybe it’s friends from home, family, a therapist from home if you have one, a former coworker, a former teacher, a family friend, or a spiritual leader. 

Your support system can also include yourself, and things that you do for yourself. It might also feel comforting to lean on things that make you feel better when you’re overwhelmed, like hobbies that calm you down or self care activities that help you feel replenished. 

Utilize campus resources

One of the great things about most college campuses is that they have tons of resources for students. In addition to clubs and student organizations, your college might offer mental health support on campus, whether it's with a therapist in the student health center or with a peer support person. Look into what kind of resources your school offers before you get there so you have an idea of where you can turn to for help. Try to familiarize yourself with where they are and how you can get an appointment so that’s one less thing to do when you’re emotionally activated. 

Go back to basics 

Life transitions are tough on our mental health, and going back to the basics of self-care can be a buffer against distress during this time. Make sure to get enough sleep, even when there’s a million things to do. Get enough to eat, stay hydrated, and move your body if you can in a way that feels good to you. Take your meds if you have any. Get outside if the weather allows for it. 

Make time for creativity and mindfulness, even if it’s just doodling for a few minutes between classes. Establishing good self care habits as you transition to college can help you have a more positive experience. 

Think big picture

It can be shocking to get to college and struggle academically or socially (especially if you didn’t struggle that way in high school), and it can make you feel like you’re messing things up or that you’re sticking out like a sore thumb. Try to keep in mind that not everything you’re concerned about will end up being a big deal to you. 

It can be hard to talk yourself down when you’re in a panic over a bad grade or a big exam but try to think if this will matter in 5 minutes, 5 months, and 5 years. Most situations aren’t actually going to knock you off track even if they feel intense at the time. You can acknowledge that this is tough right now, in the moment, and recognize that it likely will not totally ruin your life in the big picture. 

Work with a therapist 

If you’re starting your freshman year of college (or any year of college), it’s important to have a good support system in place, and that can include a mental health provider. Working with a therapist as your college experience begins can help you adjust to the change while still taking care of your mental health. It can also you give you at least one hour that’s just focused on your wellness every week, which can be helpful. 

Our team of therapists at Hope+Wellness can help you with the major life transition of starting your freshman year of college. Whether you’d prefer a virtual appointment or to come into one of our offices in Northern Virginia or D.C., our clinicians have experience supporting college students during this time of change and growth. Contact us today to get started.