7 Things to Do When You’re Lonely

Do you struggle with feeling lonely?

We all feel lonely from time to time, but studies show that loneliness is an increasingly large problem for mental and physical wellbeing. Since the pandemic, loneliness has increased.

Loneliness and social isolation are often thought to be the same thing, but there’s actually an important difference. As the CDC explains, “Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact. Social isolation is a lack of social connections. Social isolation can lead to loneliness in some people, while others can feel lonely without being socially isolated.” You can become lonely from social isolation, but social isolation is not a requirement for loneliness. 

Why are we lonely?

Everyone has moments where they feel lonely. When loneliness doesn’t pass, it can be very distressing. Part of the reason why loneliness is so prevalent is that, as a culture, we tend to value independence, often at the expense of our health. Humans are meant to live and be supported in communities, as we’re social creatures. When society tells you that success means being able to do everything on your own, it can be hard to let go of that message. 

A study from Harvard shows that “36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.” While we were lonely before the pandemic, the stress and isolation of the early pandemic days and the way it shifted how we live and work had a serious impact on loneliness. It was hard enough before the pandemic to get everything done that you needed to and make time for social connections. Now 3 years later, we’re exhausted mentally and physically from coping, and it might feel even harder to maintain the social connections that keep us from feeling lonely. 

It’s also been shown in studies that marginalized groups, like Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, immigrants, LGBTQ folks, and disabled people, tend to feel loneliness at higher rates than non-marginalized groups. Discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation. 

What does loneliness feel like?

You probably already know that loneliness doesn’t feel great. Feeling lonely is a negative emotion, so it can be distressing and painful. Remember, you don’t have to actually be socially isolated to feel lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. 

Often, loneliness isn’t actually about not having people in your life, but not having strong connections to the people in your life. We all like to feel seen and like we matter to other people. When you don’t have a lot of people who you can connect with in a real way, it can feel like no one understands you.

Being lonely has real, measurable effects on health and wellbeing. Loneliness can lead to: 

• Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders

• An increased risk for dementia

• Heart disease and stroke

• Thoughts of suicide

• Premature death

• Sleep problems

• Substance use

Loneliness has a serious impact on our lives, but there are things you can do to cope with loneliness and to minimize its effects. 

How can you cope with feeling lonely? Here are 7 suggestions: 

Join things 

One of the best ways to build connections with people is to put yourself out there and join things. This might seem like something you will never do, but it really does make a difference. It’s going to be impossible to build new connections if you don’t try some new things, or you would have made those connections already. Even though it seems intimidating, try joining a club, organization, hobby group, or class. Start small, and go from there as you build confidence in your ability to put yourself out there. 

The key here is to find something that is important to you or that you really connect with. If you really love animals, call your local animal shelter or humane society to see if they need help, or sign up to be a part time pet sitter. If you like to read, check out your local bookstore to see if they have any upcoming events, or a book club you can join. If you’re interested in art, see if there are any art classes or events at local galleries that you can check out. 

Be kind to yourself 

Being lonely is tricky enough, so try not to be hard on yourself for feeling the way you feel. Even though it’s painful, it’s okay to feel what you feel. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion, from others as well as from yourself. 

Social media also has a big impact on loneliness. When you can see an endless stream of pictures of other people having fun together, it can make you feel even more alone. Remember that you’re not seeing the full picture of what’s going on through someone’s social media posts. Don’t compare yourself to others, especially on social media. 

Explore the reasons behind your loneliness

Coping with the feeling of loneliness can be such a big task that it’s easy to forget to explore why loneliness is there in the first place. However, it’s worth looking into the reasons behind your loneliness so you can prevent it in the future.

Do you feel like you don’t have friends or loved ones who understand you? Are you having interpersonal problems? Does social media make you feel left out or less than? Do you worry that everyone is judging you and that is what makes it hard to reach out? When you can pinpoint the reasons behind why you feel lonely, you can make some changes. If no one understands you, it might be time to explore some groups that have similar interests. If you are having interpersonal problems, working with a therapist can help you find new ways to relate to people and how to explore conflict in a healthy way. It will take a lot of introspection and compassion, but exploring what’s behind your loneliness gives you a road map of how to fix it. 

Invest in your current relationships

When you’re lonely, it can be easy to talk yourself out of reaching out to the people in your life. You might feel like they don’t want to hear from you or that they’re too busy for you. Remember that you can’t read minds, though! Your assumption about how they’ll respond might be way off, and the only way to find out is to ask. Reach out to the people you already know to connect and make plans, or even just to share that you’re feeling lonely and thinking of them. 

When your loved ones reach out to you to ask how you’re doing, it’s okay to let them know that you’re feeling lonely. Talking about it can release some of the shame that you may not even realize you were holding onto. It’s also easier to ask for help from someone who already knows what’s going on. You might be surprised to find out that the people in your life are also feeling lonely, as it’s extremely common these days. 

Find something you like to do solo

Spending time by yourself is more enjoyable when you have something you like to do. Explore some new hobbies or activities to see what you like doing on your own. Maybe you really like taking your dog for long walks, or maybe doing a puzzle is more your speed. Try things like: playing an instrument, collaging, painting, drawing, knitting/crocheting, crossword puzzles, reading, thrifting, gardening, cooking or baking, hiking, journaling, bird watching, 

Ask for help

Loneliness doesn’t have to last forever, but it can feel hard to break out of feeling isolated. When you’re struggling with being lonely, it’s okay to reach out for support. Friends and family can probably relate to what you’re going through, and the people that care about you probably want to help. We’re not meant to go through life alone, and it’s okay to ask your community for support. 

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to friends or loved ones, try talking to your primary care physician about what you’re going through. They might even have some resources to point you toward so you can meet new people and strengthen your current connections. A therapist can also be a great resource when coping with loneliness, because you can explore the reasons behind your feelings as well as new ways to cope. 

Go out of your comfort zone

This is such frustrating advice, because no one wants to really go outside their comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable! However, you don’t always have to go too far out of your comfort zone to make new connections. Start with a little baby step out of your comfort zone. 

Instead of keeping to yourself the next time you walk around your neighborhood, try leaving your headphones at home and saying hi to anyone you walk by. Pick one social event a month that you’re going to check out. Google free events in your area or through interest groups that you care about. Many cities and towns have event calendars on their websites so you can find things going on, and you can also find events listed on Eventbrite and Facebook. See if you can pick one new thing to try and see how that feels. 

Coping with feeling lonely can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Working with a therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Managing Conflict in Friendships

We’ve said before that conflict exists in every type of relationship. 

In all long term relationships, conflict is normal and expected and nothing to feel shame or fear about. However, that doesn’t make it easy to manage! It can feel scary when conflict comes up–no matter what type of relationship you have. 

However, when we think of navigating conflict in relationships, it’s often through the lens of romantic relationships. The stakes can feel extremely high with romantic partners, especially if it’s a long term partner who you intend to build a future with. Within friendships, conflicts may not feel so extreme because you may not consider your friend to be your “life partner” but that doesn’t mean the emotions they bring up are any less important than the feelings brought up in romantic conflicts. 

It can feel like more of a shock when big conflict comes up within platonic relationships too. 

Not small things like disagreeing over where to meet for coffee or something like that, but big true conflict where you don’t feel as if you’re being seen or heard by the other person. This is something we expect to a certain degree within romantic relationships–because we expect to have a certain degree of intimacy with our romantic partners, there are more opportunities for vulnerability, and therefore more opportunities for raw feelings to come up and make conflict. 

We often see our friendships as an escape from that sort of seriousness. We go to our friends to get support when we’re in conflict with our partners or with other frustrations in our life, so it’s often a space in our life we see as being free of conflict. But this also means that some of our friends have seen the most honest and most vulnerable versions of ourselves. Just as this can lead to increased intimacy, it can also mean we’re risking moments of our true selves and our vulnerability not being witnessed the way we hope it will be, which opens the door for conflict. 

So just like any close relationship, there’s an inevitability of conflict in intimate friendships, so it’s crucial to find a way to navigate it. 

We’ve talked a bit before about ending friendships (why you might, what it means to break up with a friend, and how to deal with a friend breakup when it happens) but what about before the breakup? Just like in romantic relationships, ending the relationship isn’t where we want to jump to. If we’re willing to do a bit of uncomfortable work, we can find ways to repair the relationship, and likely make it stronger as well. 

So how can you handle conflict in friendships?

Take time to figure out what it is that needs attention and repair: 

Sometimes we know there’s something off or frustrating within a friendship, but we aren’t sure exactly what the root of it is or how to articulate it. Before coming to your friend with a series of grievances you’ve let stack up, take some time to reflect on why these things are bothering you. 

What is the common thread? Are you not feeling listened to? Are your needs being ignored? Do you never feel prioritized the way you prioritize your friend? Are you nervous about being judged by them? 

Taking some time to reflect on all those little moments that bothered you can give you more insight into what actually is off balance in your relationship, which will help you communicate it more effectively, rather than just listing moments your friend has upset you and waiting for them to apologize (though, if you need an apology or a recognition of hurt, that’s okay! You can ask for that too.) If you need some help reflecting on what it is you’re feeling about certain relationships, try these journal prompts to help you examine how you’re feeling in different relationships! 

Let them know you need to talk: 

…but try to be more considerate than a quick “We need to talk” text, which sounds vague and ominous and will probably just make your friend anxious and come into the conversation on the defensive. Instead, be transparent. You’ve had time to think about what is upsetting you, let them know you’re upset so that they’re not blindsided. A short, but clear “I’ve been feeling upset about X and I was hoping we could make time to talk through it?” helps to let them know what you’re feeling, what it’s about, and that you want to work it out with them. Of course, no one likes to hear that they’ve upset or hurt their friend, so they may still feel uncomfortable or anxious about it, but those are their feelings to manage so long as you’ve done your part to be clear and considerate. 

(And consider when you let them know you need to talk. Are you texting them right as they head into work, where they won’t be able to answer you? Will they then be stressed and upset about it all day? If you have a general idea of their schedule, try to let them know at a time they’d be home or available to talk. 

Depending on the geography of your friendship, talking in person may not be possible, but when it comes to conflict, it’s best handled directly person to person. Meaning and tone can easily get lost or mistranslated in text, which can add even more tension to an existing conflict. If talking in person isn’t possible, talk to them on the phone at a time that works for both of you. 

Assume the goal is the same for both people

When you need to address conflict it can feel scary! Sometimes you may feel the compulsion to defend yourself rather than explain what you’re feeling. That may be wounds or expectations from a past relationship showing up in your relationships now. Try to go into conversations about conflict with friends assuming you both want the same thing: to find ways to repair the friendship where both people feel seen and understood. Remember this person is your friend for a reason, they’ve been in your life caring about you for a reason–they will want to know if they’re hurting you, even if it’s uncomfortable. 

And remember to make space for their experience too. Let them respond without getting defensive or trying to prove them wrong. Just like in romantic relationships, the goal isn’t to win, but to make space for one another and solve the problem together. Even if it’s uncomfortable to hear what they have to say, it can bring you closer by allowing for more honesty and vulnerability within your friendship. And remember to make use of healthy conflict tools like repair attempts and to remember that not every problem can be solved in a single conversation. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your friendships? Working with a therapist can help you find healthy ways to navigate and manage conflict within your relationships. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy! 

Are Your Boundaries Too Firm?

We know boundaries are important. 

They help us protect our energy, whether it’s our physical energy, our social energy, or our mental & emotional energy. They make it clear to the people we’re in relationships what our limits are (and, if you’re in a close relationship, usually why you have that limit) so that we can continue to show up fully in the areas of our lives that we really need to. 

There are many different types of boundaries to explore, things like: 

• What limits we have on our professional availability

• What makes us feel safe and comfortable in our bodies and homes 

• What personal details we’re willing to share in various social situations 

• What we need to navigate conflict

• How involved we’re comfortable being in the problems/relationships of others

• Etc. 

Basically, when setting boundaries you need to figure out what your limits are. What can you give (whether it’s time, space, money, compassion, energy, etc.) to others without wearing yourself out, overly depleting your own energy, or taking on too much of an emotional, financial or other type of burden? 

There’s a lot of conversation around setting boundaries. How do you decide what they are? How do you communicate them? How do you manage family boundaries? How can you reaffirm your boundaries?

But boundaries, like most things, require nuance. Think of them less like a fence surrounding and protecting you, and more like pillars holding up a structure.

They are crucial to the stability of your relationship, but they leave space open for others to come in. And when a boundary is violated, it is less like the fence surrounding you has been smashed, leaving you completely vulnerable, and more like one of the pillars holding up the structure of your relationship has been damaged. The entire thing doesn’t have to come crumbling down if you can work to repair what was hurt. 

When we’re too firm in our boundaries, we build the fence instead of those pillars–we don’t leave space for anyone else in the relationship. Someone may be granted entry behind the gates, but there is little room to move or grow once inside. 

Being too firm with our boundaries is tempting, and very easy to do.

It can help us stay somewhere we feel safe, knowing there will be no surprises, nothing uncomfortable, and nothing difficult to navigate. Unfortunately, when we live like that, we deny ourselves the opportunity to grow, and to realize we’re actually stronger than we think! If we don’t give ourselves a chance to work through something tough, we’ll never know we can, and we’ll always feel trapped by it. 

Boundaries that are too firm also prevent us from being able to really exist in intimate or close relationships. It’s important that when you set boundaries you’re not actually giving someone a demand or a set of rules for how to interact with you. Boundaries don’t tell others how to behave around you, they let others know what you need to feel safe. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to honor those boundaries. That means, if someone is doing something that you’re uncomfortable with, you can: 

• Have a conversation with them to explain why you’re uncomfortable, offer a solution to make you both feel better, and give them space to respond

• Remove yourself from the situation

Sometimes it’s easy to say that our boundaries are “don’t do X around me” but we can’t control anyone’s behavior but our own. When we reframe our boundaries as our own responsibility, it gives space for others to show up fully and get to know us with intention. 

Remember, your boundaries are a tool to help you feel safe with others, because feeling safe with others allows honesty and intimacy to flourish. If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

Understanding Grief and Chronic Illness

One thing that might surprise folks about living with a chronic illness is the amount of grief there is to navigate. 

In addition to having to deal with the physical reality of your illness, juggling medical appointments, and trying to find a way to make ends meet, chronic illness involves a lot of loss. Unlike a one-time event that leads to grief, chronic illness is a series of losses, over and over and over. The losses that come with a chronic illness or disorder are not a one time thing, which can make it even harder to cope with. 

Thousands of people in the US are newly dealing with chronic illness as a result of Long-COVID. It’s more important than ever to understand the reality of living as a chronically ill person, what that can look like, and how to cope with the emotions that come with diagnosis.

Why does chronic illness cause grief? 

The reason chronic illness brings up so much grief is because it completely changes the way you can live your life. Grief can come up in reaction to any number of situations in life, like moving, changes in finances, and relationship shifts. Sometimes dealing with chronic illness means dealing with all of those things at the same time. So many changes all at once is devastating and can make you question your sense of self. 

Change is often a huge source of grief, especially when the change is involuntary and not a choice you made. It’s always tempting to imagine the life you didn’t lead, or daydream what would have happened if you made a different choice, if you got that job, if you stayed in that relationship. The what-ifs in life are always going to be tinged with some grief, because there’s no way for us to have it all. When you’re chronically ill, those what-ifs might come up even more because of the changes that come with a serious illness.

In addition to the grief of losing what could have been if things were different, the number of changes that chronic illness often requires can bring up grief. 

When you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, it usually comes with major changes in what you can and can’t do. Some changes that often come up for chronically ill people include: 

• Changes in what you can or can’t eat

• Coping with medication side effects

• Shifts in your energy levels

• Arranging, getting to, and paying for endless doctor appointments

• Dealing with constant physical discomfort or pain

• Being treated differently

• Losing friends and relationships

• Losing mobility and the freedom that comes with it

• Worrying about money or insurance or both

• Finding accessible housing

• Shifts in physical appearance

It’s very normal to deal with grief as a chronically ill person. If you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness or are dealing with chronic health issues, here are 5 ways to cope:

Allow yourself to feel your feelings

It can be hard to find time when you’re dealing with a chronic illness between the demands of day to day life and the chaos of constant medical issues, appointments, and the like. You might feel tempted to push down the feelings that come up in response to your diagnosis because you don’t feel like you have the time to feel anything. 

Unfortunately, feelings need to be felt, and there are often lots of feelings that come up in response to chronic illness. Some of the emotions you’re dealing with might be: 

• Frustration

• Rage

• Sadness

• Confusion

• Fear

• Shame

• Guilt

• Relief 

• Despair

These feelings can be tough to deal with, but part of recovering from grief is allowing yourself to feel these intense feelings. Grief in itself is intense, and the emotions that are often underneath grief can be intense as well. Try to be as compassionate with yourself as possible while you let yourself feel your emotions. 

Emotions are normal. Feeling them is normal, even when it feels horrible. It might help to have some coping skills ready to go when you allow yourself to tune in with those intense feelings, like making sure you have someone you can call on for support or a few grounding exercises written out on notecards that you can follow when you’re getting overwhelmed. 

Work toward acceptance 

Acceptance of a chronic illness might sound like agreeing to be miserable forever, but that’s not actually what it has to mean. The idea behind acceptance is that it causes a lot of pain and distress to be struggling against reality. Accepting the idea that your illness is long term (or serious, or causing your discomfort, or whatever it is that you’re struggling with) might feel like giving up, but it can be an important step for you to be able to move forward. 

It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re feeling what you’re feeling. You don’t have to be okay with what’s happening or happy or anything like that. Sometimes acceptance means admitting “I’m really freaking mad about this,” or “I don't think I can ever accept this.” Giving yourself permission to admit what’s really going on can bring a sense of relief. 

It might also help to accept that health is more out of our control than we like to think.

Remember that no matter what, no one stays the same forever. We all have to deal with our bodies changing at some point, and the older we get, the more things tend to go wrong. Learning at a young age that you are not your body and that you can lead a happy, meaningful life no matter what happens to you is an incredibly painful but invaluable lesson.

Seek out others who are chronically ill

One of the hardest things about adjusting to life as a chronically ill person is the way your relationships change. It can be hard to keep up with people in the way you used to. You might not have the energy for the things you used to do with your friends. You might feel like you’re no fun to hang out with anymore, but that’s not the truth! 

Chronically ill and disabled people exist and have always existed, and they have found ways of building community. As messed up as the internet can be, the way modern technology allows people to connect to each other from their own homes has shifted the way that chronically ill and disabled people can build community. There are many places on the internet where you can find groups of chronically ill people. Try searching for “Spoonie” groups or pages to start! 

This isn’t to say that you need to stay home at all times if you’re chronically ill. Spending time with other chronically ill or disabled people can help you find places in your area that are accessible and give everyone a chance to feel understood and valued. 

Find a creative outlet for your feelings 

When it comes to feeling your feelings, it can help to have a creative outlet. Intense emotions can be tricky to work through, but having a way to let the emotion out can help. Some people find a lot of comfort in using creativity to express their feelings. 

Creativity can be whatever feels good for you. Some people like to channel their feelings, like rage, fear, sadness, into making art or writing in a journal. 

Others like to express themselves through movement. Moving your body might look and feel different after being diagnosed with a chronic illness, and you might need to explore a few things to find what works for you and what feels good to you physically and mentally. Allowing yourself to play can remind you that you deserve to feel joy and to experience play, just like everyone else. 

Find ways to assert your agency 

Having a chronic illness means a slow steady loss of control over your body. While the control that we have over our bodies is not as strong as many would like to believe, it’s still unbelievably painful to realize that you can’t do much of anything to make yourself feel better physically. 

Try to find other ways to assert your agency like gardening, making art, or making your space really cozy and comfortable. Even something as simple as choosing a new book to read or a show to watch can remind you that while some things will always be out of your control, there are choices that you get to make. 

Learning that you have a chronic illness diagnosis is often a life-changing experience. Chronic illness tends to impact every aspect of life, from work to leisure time to money to relationships. Remember, chronic illness is not your fault. If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.

How to Overcome People Pleasing

How to Overcome People Pleasing 

Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? 

It’s important to treat other people with kindness and respect, but people pleasing goes beyond treating people well. People pleasing is when one person takes on all of the emotional and physical labor of a relationship in order to win the affection of the other person. 

Many of us grow up learning how to prioritize others over ourselves. People who might identify as people pleasers are often seen as pleasant and helpful and often get praised for their support, but people pleasing isn’t all positives. It’s mentally and physically draining to ignore your own needs in favor of everyone else’s. 

Trying to please other people at the expense of your own mental and physical health is a habit that’s hard to break. Overcoming people pleasing takes time, but it is possible. 

Where does people pleasing come from?

People pleasing doesn’t happen for no reason - it’s a source of validation and even purpose for some. It feels good to be needed. Many people who struggle with people pleasing are very self critical and have a negative self-image. Pleasing other people is a way to feel better about themselves and to feel connected to others. Some people might feel like if they’re not always doing things for others, their social network will disappear. It can feel very lonely to feel like your relationships aren’t reciprocal or to feel like you’re being used. 

It’s important to note the gendered and racial expectations we have around people pleasing. People pleasing is something that’s often expected of women and minorities, who may feel that they have to focus on others to be respected. Think about the unspoken expectations that many people have - who do we expect to be pleasant? Who do we allow to say no and have boundaries? 

People pleasing can also be related to a traumatic response. Some people experience trauma that leads them to adopt a fawning response, which can often include people pleasing as a strategy to protect themselves. Some children learn that they can get attention or positive reactions from their caregivers by 

Are you not sure if you’re a people pleaser? Do you tend to: 

• Ignore your own boundaries?

• Be preoccupied with what others think of you? 

• Feel like you can’t express your feelings when you’re upset?

• Say yes to plans or requests when you really don’t want to? 

• Expect yourself to smooth over conflict?

• Spend more time on everyone except yourself?

If any of these feel familiar to you, you might be dealing with people pleasing. When people pleasing is a habit, it can leave you feeling drained and resentful of the people around you because no one is giving you the same energy that you’re giving them. It takes time, practice, and self-compassion to overcome people pleasing, but it is possible. 

Here are some ways to overcome people pleasing:

Take your time 

When people pleasing is a habit, it takes time to learn how to respond in a new way. It’s helpful to intentionally slow down and avoid agreeing to things that don’t work for you. When someone requests something of you, ask for time to decide. Have a few go to responses ready to go so that you can rattle them off instead of feeling tempted or pressured to agree. Here are some phrases to try: 

• “Thanks for thinking of me! I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.”

• “I’ll let you know!”

• “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to, but I’ll text you later to confirm.”

Feel your feelings

People pleasing is a coping skill, and it can be a great way to distract yourself from feeling your feelings. Unfortunately, feelings need to be felt. When we ignore our feelings, they don’t actually go away. Eventually those feelings will need to be felt, and when you push them down for long enough, the resulting feeling explosion can be very distressing. 

Even though it’s painful sometimes, allowing yourself to feel your feelings can help you learn how to sit with them and the urge to please others as a distraction. With practice, you’ll learn that just as feelings come, they will pass too. Try to think of them like waves on the beach. Sometimes a wave is tiny and sometimes it’s massive, but either way, it always recedes. When a painful feeling comes up, try repeating to yourself that it won’t last forever. The feeling came, so it will go. 

Think about and communicate your boundaries

Recovering from people pleasing means setting and maintaining boundaries that work for you. It can feel impossible to set boundaries when you haven’t in the past, but try to sit with that feeling of discomfort. That’s a big sign that you actually really need boundaries! Everyone has boundaries, and you’re allowed to have them too. 

Try to think about the things that are draining you the most. Is it stressful to say yes to plans that you don’t actually want? Is it exhausting to deal with everyone else’s emotions and get no support of your own? It will be easier to set up boundaries that feel supportive if you can pinpoint exactly what is causing your distress. 

Remember, boundaries are about you, not about the other person. Boundaries aren’t about trying to change someone’s behavior, they’re about how you will respond in certain situations. If someone crosses your boundary, then you will do X. For example, if your boundary is that you don’t want to hear comments from your family about your weight, your boundary could be “If you make comments about my weight, I will hang up the phone or otherwise leave the conversation.” 

Take baby steps

You don’t need to shift from people pleasing to having completely rigid boundaries overnight. Try starting with small boundaries you can practice with. They will both feel easier to enforce and successfully setting and enforcing a boundary can give you the confidence to keep going. 

There’s nothing wrong with being protective of your mental health, and getting a few small victories under your belt can be really motivating to keep going. 

Be very nice to yourself

Setting boundaries and working on overcoming people pleasing can sometimes feel like you’re not being kind or that you’re selfish. When those thoughts come up, remind yourself that it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself. It actually helps you be more sustainably supportive to others, because you’re not forced to give from an empty cup. As you practice setting up boundaries and feeling your feelings, give yourself lots and lots of self compassion. Try to be as nice to yourself as you’d be to your best friend, or to a child. 

When you notice self talk, try to be kind to yourself and not judge yourself for feeling this way. When it comes up, say “It makes sense that I would feel that way, but what this inner voice is saying is not true.” and then try to move on instead of getting caught up in what your inner self is saying. 

Are you stuck in a people pleasing cycle? Working with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore being a people pleaser without judgment and find new ways to cope that actually work for you. Send us a message today to get started!