Five Tools For Managing Loneliness and Building Connection

It’s normal to feel lonely. 

The problem with loneliness is that it tricks us into thinking we’re the only one who feels that way, that everyone else is happy and connected and supported by their friends, loved ones, and community, and out of shame we end up isolating, only making the loneliness worse. But the truth is most of us feel lonely every now and then. Sometimes it’s short lived, and other times it lingers, making it harder to break out of. 

Instead of withdrawing, here are seven things you can do when you’re lonely.

Ending a relationship  with a friend is difficult for a number of reasons, one of which is the feeling of loneliness that comes from that loss. Just like in a romantic breakup, where you once had the routine of going to that person with news and plans and jokes and stressors, you now have to find somewhere new to turn, and build new routines and relationships without them. Even when that’s the right choice, it can feel very lonely for a while. 

Relationships take time to build, so there is a period after ending a relationship, where you do feel less supported and resourced than when you had someone to fill that role. The grief that comes with that loneliness is common, and nothing to feel shame about. The loneliness is also common–and remember it’s temporary. 

For more support on managing that loneliness, read 4 tips for dealing with a friend breakup 

Strong friendships are some of the most fulfilling and supportive relationships we can have. But if you’re struggling with loneliness, making new friends can seem impossible. It’s hard to be so vulnerable like that as an adult. When you’re a child, it’s natural to enter a new space and find new friends in it–and, because of the way your life is constructed, it’s easier to find yourself surrounded by peers as a child. As an adult, a conscious effort must be made to go out into new places and to connect with new people. And that can be scary! 

It’s okay to admit it’s hard to meet new people you connect with. And when you’re ready, here are some ideas on what to do about it. 

Friendships occupy a very important place in our lives and communities. They are the family we choose, and those relationships can be just as close, supportive, and intimate as romantic or familial relationships. But it doesn’t happen without work. Just as you have to work with a romantic partner to understand and care for one another, the same work is required of intimate friendships. 

While having these intimate friendships only enriches our lives–giving us more opportunities for joy, for connection, for feeling seen and heard, for providing and accessing support, etc–most of what we hear about in regards to relationship work is about romantic relationships. 

You need a variety of support in your life, and learning to tend to your friendships with intention is a wonderful way to provide that for yourself. 

When addressing loneliness it’s also important to look at the larger picture outside of your individual relationships. What does your relationship to your community look like? Do you feel connected to your community, the resources and opportunities and connections it offers? Or do you exist alongside your community, without feeling familiar enough to claim a place in it?

Strong communities offer not just one option, but a garden of options for support; through building relationships with friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, community organizers & artists you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. You create a world full of people who can help you creatively, financially, professionally, spiritually, domestically, medically, etc. 

The basic function of cultivating a strong community is to make sure you don’t have to face any aspect of life alone. 

Taking steps to reduce feelings of isolation can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

How Can Therapy Help Me Navigate Big Life Changes?

Why are life transitions so stressful?

It’s a cliche but it’s true: change is the only constant. So why does it always feel like such an insurmountable task? Change can be exciting, but more often than not, we find ourselves fixated on everything stressful about change: how we’ll soon be navigating something unknown, how we’ll be saying goodbye to things that are not only familiar to us, but comforting. 

Sometimes it’s not until our routine is disrupted that we realize having a routine isn’t the same as being in a rut; our routines can give us structure, provide us with resourceful ways to meet our needs, and give us the comfort of knowing how to take care of ourselves. So it’s natural that when our routines are disrupted with some big life change, we feel apprehensive in the face of losing that comfort and stability. This is just one of the reasons big life changes–even ones we want–are so stressful to us. 

Transitions require a lot more from us than our regular day to day lives. 

The stress of building new routines, the grief of saying goodbye to familiar parts of our lives, the fear of the unknown we have to trust ourselves to make peace with when starting something new–emotionally, life transitions require a lot of us. 

Preparing for specific life transitions isn’t always possible–some changes in life are sudden and unexpected and we have to find ways to navigate them quickly and without hesitation. But preparing for life transitions in a general sense is a key component of the therapeutic process. 

In therapy, along with navigating crises as they come up and exploring your internal experience, you get the chance to practice skills that make it easier to navigate life transitions when they come up. These skills can include: 

• Learning how to stay present when stress comes up 

• Remaining centered and grounded when problem solving and exploring feelings

• Effective and productive stress management 

• Prioritizing self compassion as you navigate stressors and learning to manage them productively

• Examining stress as a means of moving toward the life you want, rather than avoiding it whenever it comes up

• Learning to look critically but compassionately at your own behaviors: which maintain the stress you experience, and which help you break free of them?

• Building a stronger sense of self empowerment

These skills are taught and practiced over and over again in therapy. 

While you may start therapy for support in one area of your life, you’re also building the foundation you need to go back and practice those skills. And every time a new life stress or transition comes up, you get the chance to practice and strengthen those skills once again. These practices help us not just in single instances, but with lots of obstacles we face, like: 

• academic stress (starting a new school, applying for programs, keeping up with requirements, etc.)

• workplace stress (balancing responsibilities, navigating difficult professional relationships, feeling pressure to perform, burnout, etc.) 

• housing stress (finding housing, affording housing, keeping up with housing responsibilities like bills and chores, etc.)

• relationship stress (ending a relationship, starting a new relationship, navigating relationship milestones, managing relationship conflict, etc.)l

• chronic health concerns

We work with kids, teens, young adults, and adults going through various types and times of stress and life adjustment concerns, including academic stress, work stress, divorce, the end of significant relationships, moving, job changes, and chronic health stressors.

If you would like more support in coping with life transitions, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.

How to Improve Sleep When You Deal With Chronic Pain

If you deal with chronic pain, you know how important sleep can be to helping you feel better. 

When you get a poor night’s sleep, your symptoms might feel worse. You might have a harder time regulating your emotions, and find it harder to complete everyday tasks. Improving sleep quality is often a process of trial and error, but it can be an especially important part of the chronic pain toolkit. 

Why is sleep so important?

Sleep is one of our basic biological functions, and we can’t survive without it. Sleep is essential to our physical and mental functioning. Sleep allows our bodies time to repair and to reset for the next day, and can even support our immune functioning. 

Chronic sleep deprivation can lead to serious health problems like diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. In addition, when you don’t get enough sleep, it can be harder to think clearly and to do the everyday things that are required of you. 

Chronic pain impacts many areas of life, and sleep is no exception. Chronic pain can make it harder to get comfortable enough to fall asleep, and pain can wake you up during the night, reducing the amount of sleep you get.

If you’re dealing with chronic pain, a good night’s sleep might feel impossible. Here are some things to try to improve your sleep when you deal with chronic pain: 

Talk to your doctor about sleep 

Sleep is a critical bodily function, and when you have sleep issues it’s best to make your doctor aware. That might seem overwhelming, especially as someone who deals with chronic pain and has to deal with many medical providers already. There are some medical interventions that can make sleep easier, though, so it’s important to bring it up with your primary care physician to see if there are any options that can help you.

For example, sleep apnea can make it harder to sleep deeply, and wearing a CPAP machine while you sleep can help you sleep more deeply. Get a sleep study done if possible. You can do sleep studies from home a lot of the time now. They may also be able to help you find a medication that works for you to help you sleep better. 

Use light filter settings on your devices

There’s a lot of advice out there about not using screens in the evening because of the exposure to blue light that interrupts sleep. However, it’s much easier said than done to put down your devices after a certain time. Has anyone ever actually stopped using their phone before bed? Sometimes that’s not reasonable. 

If you are looking at your phone or at a device before bed, try using the built in color filters that most devices have to help block out the blue light. You can also try wearing blue light blocking glasses if you don’t have a filter on your device. 

Develop a wind down routine 

Developing a routine that signals to your brain that it’s time to wind down can be helpful in improving your sleep. See how it feels to stretch, meditate, journal, or read as you wind down before bed. 

If you’re able to, taking a hot bath with epsom salts can help you become more sleepy and help with winding down. If you don’t have a tub, try soaking your feet in some warm water with epsom salts to help you begin to wind down. You can also try drinking a warm beverage, like tea (make sure to choose a kind of tea that doesn’t have caffeine) to help signal to your brain that it’s time for sleep. 

Try to stick to a general bedtime

Another way to help signal to yourself that it’s time to sleep is to stick to a specific bedtime. It can be hard to go to sleep at the same time every night when your symptoms are causing you pain, but over time it gets easier. It’s going to be hard to sleep when your brain is wired, so it might take some time to get to a bedtime that works for you. Try shifting things by 5 minutes at a time and work toward the time you’d ideally like to go to sleep. 

It’s also important to be kind to yourself when you can’t stick to that bedtime. Being hard on yourself isn’t going to make it any easier to sleep. 

Use pillows to help support your body

Waking up feeling worse than when you went to sleep isn’t a fun experience. Sometimes movement during sleep can help contribute to pain during the day. Try using pillows to help support you as you sleep. 

Consider using a neck pillow for neck pain or a body pillow to help keep yourself propped up in a way that won’t increase your pain. Some people also sleep with a heating pad or an electric blanket on the parts of their body that tend to cause pain. Some of them have timers so you can make sure it keeps you warm all night. 

Set up your sleeping place for success

Studies show that sleeping in a cooler room can help with getting deeper sleep, so try sleeping with your thermostat turned down a bit lower or with a fan on you. You can also try using white noise, either from a fan or a noise machine, to help create an environment where you can sleep. 

Something else that might help is to be able to turn your electronics or lights on and off from your phone or using a remote. That way, when you’re comfy in bed, you don’t have to get back up to turn off the lights. 

Use your pain relief toolkit

When you’re dealing with chronic pain, sometimes you need to try multiple ways to manage it so you can make it through the day and night. 

As someone with chronic pain, you probably have your go-to ways to manage your pain, like using a TENs unit or using a pain relief gel. See what you have on hand that can help make you more comfortable through the night. 

Are you looking for more support as you deal with chronic pain? Our therapists can help. We have therapists who can support you with chronic illness, chronic pain, &  medical stressors. Contact us today to make an appointment! 

9 Commonly Asked Questions About The Therapeutic Process

Deciding to start therapy is an amazing and brave step. 

But it’s also one that comes with a lot of questions–mental health is only beginning to be openly talked about, but even though we seem to be willing to talk about seeking care a little more openly, the process and everything that goes into it is still a mystery for a lot of people. And that uncertainty can make an already vulnerable experience feel even more frightening. 

Since therapy is already a vulnerable experience, we want to help make it as easy and supportive to begin the process as we can, so we’ve put together this list of common questions and further resources for each to help you get started. 

How do I find a therapist that’s right for me?

This is often the biggest hurdle in the process. Even without accounting for things like location,  hourly cost or accepted insurance, it can be daunting to find someone to sit with you while you’re at your most vulnerable, to listen to your areas of insecurity or where you need support or thoughts you wouldn’t share with anyone else. First: remind yourself that it’s okay to feel nervous about this possibility. Don’t try to shove that feeling away out of shame. In fact–when you’re starting the process of therapy, that can be a helpful place to begin. Let your therapist know what apprehension you’re feeling and why–the two of you can explore the fears that come up and ease you into the therapeutic process as you do so. 

There’s a lot that goes into selecting a therapist that is right for you. You need to consider:

1. Your priorities; what are the areas you’re looking for the most support in?

2. Your preferences; do age or gender matter to you? Is it important to have a therapist who shares a marginalized identity that you hope to discuss?

3. What is your location? Are you open to telehealth?

4. Do you know anyone who has gone through the process of finding a therapist before? Can they recommend anywhere to start?

Follow our step by step guide on finding a therapist that’s right for you here. 

What’s the commitment involved in the therapeutic process?

Therapy is a financial and time commitment. It is an investment in yourself and in your ability to examine long-standing patterns in your life with the goal of practicing new, more effective thoughts and behaviors. Such change isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen overnight, but it can profoundly impact your quality of life, including your sense of self, relationships, work, and health. We believe that therapy is one of the most important investments of them all — in yourself and overall well being. When you feel centered, grounded, and comfortable in yourself and in who you are, the rest of your life can fall into place.

What do I need to know before my first therapy session?

When you’re going somewhere new, is it helpful for someone who has been there before to walk you through what to expect? That’s what we did in this blog–click through to read it if you’re coming up on your first therapy session. The basics are: 

1. Check if you need to do paperwork ahead of time

2. Review any contact from your therapist; if there’s anything specific you need to bring with you, they’ll have indicated so in any emails or texts, etc. 

3. Prepare to start with housekeeping; there are administrative logistics to figure out before diving into the work

4. Prepare for your own emotional experience; ask yourself what you need to feel safe being vulnerable in a new situation, and how to ease yourself back into your day after the session is complete.

What should I do with mental health content I see online?

You might be starting your therapy journey because of how social media has helped to normalize discussing mental health issues. And while there are a lot of useful tools and resources online, it’s also important to use your own therapist as a reference. Remember, you’re the expert on your emotional experience and they’re the expert on mental health in general–if you see something online that resonates, bring it up in session and discuss it with your therapist! With the expertise you’re both bringing to the table, you can figure out if there’s something more you need to explore based on the resource you found, or if there’s some context and information you’re missing. 

You can find our best practices on fact checking mental health information on social media here.

Why does the therapeutic relationship matter?

Speaking of therapy content on social media…if you can learn about mental health online, is it necessary to have a therapist of your own? Short answer: yes! Longer answer: information you find online can be a great jumping off point for learning about mental health, but therapy is more than just gaining information. The process doesn’t start and stop with diagnosis! A key part of the healing that happens in therapy? The relationship building between you and your therapist. With a relationship where you’re safe to fully express yourself you can start to learn new relational patterns and heal old wounds. 

Learn more about that here. 

How can you make the most between sessions?

Engaging in therapy is a bigger commitment than 50 minutes once a week. While that will be where you do a lot of hard and vulnerable work, if you’re only showing up in that way for yourself while you’re in session, you’re not getting the most out of the experience. In order to fully engage in the process you have to do things like take time to reflect on what was brought up in session, practice new skills learned, take small risks, etc. This is also something you can discuss with your therapist–how would they recommend you practice what you’re learning in session when you’re on your own? Or to start, check out our guide on how to make the most of your time between sessions.  

What happens when your therapist upsets you? 

Therapy is supposed to be an emotionally safe place for you–but being safe doesn’t mean you’ll never be hurt. It does, however, mean that you can be sure to address that feeling of hurt without worrying about facing repercussions. This is part of how therapy works to write new relationship scripts–it gives you the chance to learn what it feels like to have your hurt heard and honored. 

However, it can be jarring to have your feelings hurt in a place that is supposed to be emotionally supportive. It’s not an insurmountable obstacle, but it can take some patience and practice to learn how to address it when your therapist hurts your feelings. But, when you do take the risk to practice bringing it up, it gets easier to do in your other relationships. 

What to do when you’re dreading your next appointment?

Therapy isn’t always fun. But it’s important to figure out if you’re feeling anxious because the space isn’t emotionally safe for you, or because there’s something else you don’t want to face. Follow this guide to figure out what to do instead of canceling when you’re dreading your next appointment. 

How involved is therapy?

At Hope+Wellness, we believe in tailoring therapy for each individual. Some clients find it therapeutic to talk about their feelings and to explore patterns. Others seek a more active approach, involving interventions, exercises and thoughtful actions to implement outside of therapy. We try to meet each client where they are at and are able to incorporate different approaches if this is what you are looking for as part of therapy. Overall, it is important to consider that you will get out as much as you put in to your work together with your therapist.

If you’re looking for support in the process of finding a therapist, contact us and we can help personally match you to a therapist based on your needs.