5 Ways to Show Some Self-Compassion

Are you nice to yourself? 

You may not know how to answer this question, and that’s okay. The idea of being nice to ourselves, also known as showing self-compassion, can be a tricky one to wrap your head around. After all - you are intimately familiar with all of your flaws and shortcomings, so how can you be nice + compassionate to yourself? 

What does being self-compassionate even mean?Self-compassion is basically how kind you are to yourself. When you're compassionate with others, you are probably caring, free of judgment, kind and gentle, right? Instead of (or in addition to) turning that toward others, self-compassion is about giving yourself that same gift. 

For the most part, being nice to yourself can look like taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical needs and being gentle and understanding with yourself. It can also look like asking for help when you need it, saying no when you need to, and continuing to learn new things. 

When things are going well for you, you might not even really notice your inner critic, or you might notice it and not think it’s too big of a problem. However, when things get tough (say, in the middle of a global pandemic where every hour brings new, confusing information), having a buffer between you and your inner critic can be the difference between feeling rotten and feeling okay. You can't pour from an empty cup, and especially in times like these, it's important for everyone to do their part to help everyone else. If you identify as someone who is a caretaker, you might feel resistance to the idea of taking care of yourself. Remember that caring about yourself makes it seem authentic when you care about others. You can start helping others by being kind to yourself. 

Self-compassion doesn't mean that you always need to feel great about yourself. It simply means that you don't fall apart when you don't feel great about yourself. Even when you're struggling, self-compassion lets you forgive yourself for struggling, understand that you're doing your best, and move on. So, here are 5 ways you can start to  cultivate self-compassion in your day to day life: 

Treat yourself like you're your best friend (or your younger self)

You might have a hard time being nice to yourself, but how about your best friend? Think about your inner critic, and the messages you tell yourself all the time. Would you talk to your best friend that way? Of course not! So don’t talk to yourself that way, either. If you don’t want to picture talking to your best friend, another option is to picture your younger self (any age you want, but 5-10 is a good range to start with). Would you be mean to little you? Or would you find a way to express yourself more kindly? 

Remember that everyone's thinking about you a lot less than you assume

This isn’t meant to make you feel bad, but you probably think about yourself more than anyone else does. After all, you’re stuck with yourself for your whole life! If you’re critical to yourself because of how you think others see you, remind yourself that everyone is probably thinking about you a lot less than you assume. Instead of making you feel unimportant, this can make you feel more confident in yourself moving in the world. 

Don’t believe everything you think

Just because you have thoughts doesn't mean they're true. When you notice a mean thought 

about yourself come through your mind, you can take a moment, notice it, and say to yourself 

"I'm so glad that's not true!" or "What a mean thought! I know that's not the truth, though," and move on with your day instead of getting caught up in a negative thought spiral. 

Feel your feelings

You don't have to pretend to stay strong all of the time - being compassionate toward yourself means that you won't judge whatever reaction you have. if you need to cry, scream, sleep, laugh, or do something else, that’s perfectly fine. Instead of avoiding your feelings or pretending they’re not there, lean into your feelings and be compassionate toward yourself for having them. 

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is a powerful tool to retrain your brain. With regular mindfulness practice, you can learn to judge yourself less. Instead of focusing on worries for the future, or regrets from the past, focus on only the present moment. Tune in with how you feel mentally, physically, and spiritually. Learn how your brain works when you are intentional with your thoughts. 

Even if you don’t feel like it, you deserve to feel self-compassion. If you need help bringing more self-compassion into your life, our therapists can help. Get in touch today!

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therapists in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

Why Conflict In Your Relationship Can Be A Good Thing

How do you handle conflict with your partner? 

Every relationship deals with conflict at some point or another. Both parties might not always be aware of the conflict, but conflict is there all the same. It seems wild that conflict can actually have a positive effect on a relationship, but in truth, conflict is an opportunity.  

Have you ever been upset with someone, and kept it to yourself, for whatever reason? It probably makes sense in your head - getting your feelings out in the open might hurt the other person’s feelings, leading to a conflict that you don’t feel emotionally or physically prepared for. Avoiding conflict then seems to make sense. Instead of rocking the boat and saying how you really feel, you can just keep it all inside and hope it goes away. 

That doesn’t sound like a great plan, does it? Avoiding conflict by burying your feelings isn’t actually helpful long term. Constantly swallowing your feelings for the sake of the other person is a recipe for resentment after a while. Resentment is really an emotional distance between you and your partner, so avoiding conflict for the sake of the relationship is counterintuitive, anyway. The tradeoff is basically this: have an awkward, uncomfortable, probably emotional conversation or keep it to yourself and create distance in the relationship. It’s up to you to decide if the relationship is worth the conflict to you. 

Sometimes, the conflict won’t be worth it. There’s the old saying about knowing when to pick your battles, and it applies to relationships, too. Not everything is worth an argument, but make sure you’re choosing to avoid an argument for the right reasons, instead of just to avoid the conflict. 

Conflict is inevitable, and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, conflict can just be a sign that there is a need for more communication. Here are some of the reasons why conflict is actually a good thing in relationships: 

Conflict leads to change

Instead of framing conflict as a fight with your partner, think about it as a tool to facilitate change in your relationship. Nothing can stay the same forever, and when you and your partner butt heads, it’s probably a sign that something needs to change. It’s a great opportunity to open up the lines of communication and see what can be improved. 

 Conflict can let you feel closer to your partner

Instead of a “me versus you” mentality, think about it as “us versus the problem”. It can feel really liberating to communicate freely with your partner, even when you know it might lead to conflict, especially if you know that conflict isn’t the end of a relationship. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you may start to feel closer to them. 

Get to know your partner better 

One key to successful conflict is empathy. If you can empathize with your partner and try to see where they’re coming from, it might be easier to see why they do and say the things they do. Conflict also lets you see if you and your partner draw the same conclusions about a situation. Remember, just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true.  You might think you know the root cause of their behavior, but the truth might surprise you. 

Conflict tells us what’s really important to us

What gets you upset? That’s a quick way to figure out what’s important to you. You’ll probably have to do some self-reflection on this, but when you are in conflict with someone, try to get to the root cause. Are you mad that your partner bailed on your plans? Or are you worried they don’t value spending time with you? See if you can investigate your feelings to find out what the cause of your upset is.  

Conflict lets you practice communication

One thing that is pretty universal is that we’re not as good at communicating as we think we are. A lot of times, we expect people to read our minds somehow instead of being up front about what we need. When you experience conflict with a partner, it’s a chance to level up your communication. You can figure out how to make each other feel seen, how to apologize to and comfort one another, and you can figure out the nuances of each communication style. Once you figure out how to effectively communicate with your partner, you will probably feel safer talking to them about serious or emotional topics. 

Are you ready to experience successful conflict with your partner? Get in touch with us today to find support as you and your partner go on this journey together. 

therapists in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

4 Tips to Help You Cultivate Optimism

What does it mean to be optimistic?

Being optimistic is being able to find a positive outlook–even in negative situations. 

Did you just roll your eyes a bit? It can be hard to commit to optimism. The world today is filled with natural disasters, poverty, war, and various political and social crises. It can be hard to balance all of that news–news that we now get at the speed of light thanks to social media–and still remain optimistic. And that’s not even considering the events of your daily life. 

But, as far fetched as it might seem, being optimistic can not only allow you to enjoy your day to day life more, through finding those silver linings, but it can also: 

• Boost your physical health

• Boost your emotional health

• Facilitate greater achievements

• Decrease stress

• And even increase longevity 

What makes up an optimistic mindset?

Is it just ignoring bad things when they happen? Is it ignoring the bad feelings we get? Or pretending that things are great when they’re not?

Nope. 

Optimists aren’t in denial. They don’t ignore when negative things happen, nor do they refuse to let themselves feel any sort of negative or uncomfortable emotion. The difference between optimists and pessimists, is that when such a negative event occurs, optimists allow themselves to see both the negatives and the positives. 

Let’s say you’re going up for a new job. 

A pessimist might think, “What’s the point? Nothing good ever happens to me anyway.” Then, if they don’t get the job, that thinking would just be reaffirmed. They would see the negative outcome as an inevitability, and a pattern they can’t escape, rather than a one time instance. 

An optimist on the other hand, might think, “What’s the worst the could happen? I might as well try.” And then, if they didn’t get the job, instead of thinking “See? Trying is pointless.” they might think something like, “That stinks, but this must not be the right fit for me. Let’s see what I can use from the experience going forward for the next thing I try.” 

See the difference? 

It’s not denying the unfortunate event or ignoring the feelings of disappointment. Optimism in this case is seeing that not getting that job is an isolated incident, and one that can be reflected on and learned from. 

So, how can you shift your thinking?

It would be great if you could just say, “Okay! I’m going to be an optimist now!” Unfortunately, as is the case with any shift in mindset, it’s going to take a bit more work than that. Below are 4 things you can do to start reflecting on and shifting your own mindset to a more optimistic one: 

1). Examine where you find happiness: 

One reason pessimists are pessimistic is because happiness for them is attached to some external source, rather than an innate sense inside of them. They will be happy if they have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect partner, the perfect social life, etc. The pressure for perfection leads to stress, can exacerbate anxiety and depression, and completely hinders their capacity for happiness when things aren’t perfect. 

Instead, learning to be happy as you are–and seeing those other things as wonderful, happy bonuses–can stop the catastrophizing thinking that comes with negative events (not getting a job, a break up, etc.) 

2). Practice Kindness:

It’s been shown that being kind or helpful to others can actually improve your mood. But kindness doesn’t have to be reserved to just acts of charity, it can also be about questioning your perspective. Kindness can be just imagining that everyone is trying their best, at any given time. We all have bad days. Keeping that in mind can help you offer more compassion and kindness to everyone you interact with. If someone isn’t friendly or accommodating to you, maybe it’s not because they are rude or hate you. Maybe it’s because they are having a terrible day. 

When you allow this room for compassion for others, you are also able to start to judge yourself less harshly. And, when things do go “wrong” it gives you a new perspective. Maybe the person hanging up abruptly actually had nothing to do with you. De-centering yourself like that can help to remind you that there are things outside of your control and that all you can do is make the best of the situation you’re in. 

3). Take time to notice what affects your mood: 

Are there things that make you feel happier and more optimistic? Add more of those into your life. Are there things that drag your mood down, and make you more pessimistic? Consider how to limit those things, if not remove them from your routine completely. 

For example: are you overwhelmed by negative sentiments as soon as you log into Twitter? Maybe it’s time to cut down the list of people you’re following. Narrow it down to people who post things that don’t sour your outlook or make you feel bad. 

4). Keep a gratitude journal: 

It can be easy to overlook all the things we love about our lives. Many of the things we’re grateful for go ignored and unacknowledged until we lose them. 

Instead, take a few minutes each day and make a list of the things that happened that day that you’re grateful for. It doesn’t have to be anything big, it can be as simple as “someone held a door open for me while my hands were full” or “my coworker said I was doing a great job.”

Learning to recognize and appreciate all of those small, positive things in a day can help shift your mindset. Once you start noticing them you won’t be able to stop–and soon your outlook will be vastly more positive than it was before! 

Optimism, like many mindset shifts, is a fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of deal. Even if you don’t think those tips will work, pretend you do! Try it for a day, a week, a month. See what happens when you allow yourself to focus on the positive–even if it feels fake at first. If you need support in shifting your mindset to a more optimistic one, our counselors can guide you through the process. 

therapists in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

How to Craft a Joyful Daily Routine

Are you intentional with your daily routine? Or do you find yourself just going through the motions?

When a routine feels like drudgery, instead of something you’re excited about, it can feel as though joyful moments are few and far between in your daily life. The key is working in new joyful moments into your day, either by altering your current routine, or creating a new one altogether. 

First: What Brings Joy into Your Life? 

Take a few moments to reflect on your typical day. What parts of your day do you enjoy the most? Is it enjoying a hot cup of coffee in the morning? Is it calling a friend on your commute home from work? 

Make a list of these moments. If you can’t think of them now, keep a notepad with you, or start a note on your phone to keep track of them as they happen throughout the day. 

When you have your list of things that bring joy into your day, make not of how frequently you do those things. Rate it on a scale of one to three:

• 1: rarely do you do this

• 2: you do this somewhat regularly

• 3: you do this all the time

Take a look at the things you’ve given a one or a two. Do you not do them often because they don’t improve your mood that much, or have you just not found a way to work them into your day more regularly? 

Write out how you usually spend your time each day. It doesn’t have to be super detailed, but give yourself a general outline of what goes on. Where can you add in those 1’s or 2’s? Can you shift your routine around to make more room for them? 

For example, if your favorite part of the morning is sitting and reading with a fresh cup of coffee, consider giving yourself more time to do it! Can you alter your nighttime routine to include setting your coffee maker to brew automatically in the morning, or shower at night to free up time in the morning? Maybe set your clothes out the night before so you don’t have to take time away from your morning routine figuring out what to wear. 

When you’ve found what parts of your day make you the happiest, try combining them with parts of your routine you don’t enjoy. 

For example, a friend struggled to motivate herself to maintain her morning and night hygiene routine. Getting up, brushing her teeth, washing her face, etc. It just wasn’t fun for her! So she didn’t like doing it, which made those two parts of her days seem like a burden. 

What she did love was setting aside time to listen to her favorite music, and playing with her cat. So, in order to make her routine more joyful, she combined all three! Now, when she needs to get that hygiene routine going, she puts on her favorite album. She gives herself a few minutes to sit and enjoy it (or dance around) before migrating into the bathroom while it continues to play on. And when she brushes her teeth, she plays with her cat’s laser pointer. So while she’s doing something boring, that she disliked before, she’s able to enjoy it! 

Finally, consider what is missing from your routine. 

Once you’ve identified your favorite parts of your day (and hopefully found ways to brighten up your least favorite parts) consider: is your daily routine missing something? 

Ask yourself “What sorts of things do I enjoy doing when I have free time?” 

Maybe you like trying new restaurants. Or patronizing local coffee shops. Maybe you like to learn or craft, or are a film buff. Think of your hobbies. Make a list similar to the first one, where you rank these hobbies on a scale of one to three, using the same scale.

Now, how can you add them into your routine? 

You might not be able to add in everything you want to, but you can probably make some small adjustments! If you love being outside and going to local coffee shops, find one nearby. Choose one day a week to walk there and have your morning coffee routine take place there. 

If you like to learn, think about what subjects interest you most. Even if you’re busy you can find ways to add some learning into your day. Maybe there’s a podcast on the subject you can listen to while you commute, or shower or cook. 

Or, leave some space, either in your daily routine or at least once a week, where nothing is structured or scheduled. Use that time to follow your whims and passions. What can you do during that time to bring yourself some more joy? 

Crafting a joyful routine is all about small, intentional decision making.

 Rather than just trying to get through the day and achieve as much as you can, try to shift your mindset. Think instead, what will make me feel most fulfilled at the end of this day? What will leave me feeling joyful and excited to start again tomorrow? 

Crafting a joyful routine is a wonderful act of self care. If you need help figuring out how to add more joy into your daily routine, our therapists can help. Get in touch today!

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!