6 Safe Ways to Express Anger

How do you react when you feel angry?

For a lot of people, anger is a confusing emotion. Everyone feels anger, of course, but we often aren’t taught how to deal with anger in a healthy way when we are young. It can feel like the only way to respond to anger is through yelling or violence, but that’s a myth that stems from our anger-phobic culture. 

Why are we afraid of anger?

Think about what comes up for you when you think about anger. For a lot of folks, those memories, emotions, and sensations are related to painful or frightening experiences. Feeling painful emotions is uncomfortable, so lots of us do whatever we can to avoid dealing with them, even if we don’t do that consciously. Many of us are in the habit of repressing our anger to the point where we might not think we feel it at all. 

Our culture has one very narrow view of anger: anger can be felt by a man, and he can respond to the anger he feels with violence. Whether that violence is a yelling match, hurting themselves, or hurting others, the typical reaction to anger that we see in the media is one that is out of control and scary. Our culture follows this script and encourages anger in men, and represses anger in women. 

Many women don’t feel that they experience anger at all, because women aren’t socialized to express anger. Women are often forced to hide their anger or ignore it entirely because our society doesn’t give women the option to be angry. Think of stereotypes like calling a woman “crazy” when she’s upset about something in a relationship, or the racist stereotype of the “angry Black woman.” Anger isn’t something women are allowed to feel like any other emotion - either we are forced to repress it, or it becomes our whole identity. 

Why can’t we just ignore anger?

The problem with repressing emotions is that they never stay repressed permanently. They always come up at one point or another, often when you’re least prepared to deal with them. Repressed anger doesn’t feel good. Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can have powerful effects when it’s not properly expressed. Repressing anger can lead to major swings in mood, increased irritability, and even anxiety and depression. 

Anger is a normal emotion. We all feel it from time to time. Like all emotions, it comes and it goes, and doesn’t last forever when we allow ourselves to feel it (versus repressing it). When any emotion comes up, we can notice it and find ways to cope with that emotion. Part of the experience of an emotion is sitting through it - there’s really no way around experiencing the emotion if you want to move forward from it. Think of other emotions you feel. When you’re sad, you might cry, or cuddle a pet, or take a nap. Those are all safe ways to cope with sadness. There are options for you to express anger in safe ways too. 

Here are some suggestions for safe ways to express anger:

Use your voice

This doesn’t mean to get in a yelling match with someone. This just means to use your voice to express the intensity of what you’re feeling. Maybe this means you go for a drive in the car and scream-sing along to a playlist. Maybe it means you scream into your pillow for a bit. It could also mean talking it over with someone if that feels supportive to you. 

Get moving

Anger is an intense emotion, and can often feel like it’s bursting out of you or like it’s causing energy to build up inside of you. A great way to deal with the excess energy that often comes up with anger is to move your body and tire yourself out. Try dancing around to music that makes you feel powerful. Or maybe go for a run or a brisk walk. Any kind of intense movement that gets you moving and your blood pumping can be helpful here to work through the feeling of anger. 

Be destructive (strategically)

The urge to be violent when angry is often a way to get rid of the painful excessive energy that anger can bring. This urge can be met in ways that aren’t unsafe or scary, thankfully! Here are some ideas for how to be destructive in a safe, strategic way to help relieve some anger: 

• Safely throw or squeeze or hit or break something

• Visit a smash room and break some things

• Hit or kick a punching bag

• Squeeze play dough or a stress toy

• Knead dough or pound meat 

• Throw something soft (or maybe throw a toy for a pet to chase)

• Break down cardboard boxes

• Pound on a drum set

Practice progressive muscle relaxation

Anger can cause a lot of tension to spring up in the body. When you’re responding to anger, it can be helpful to notice where the anger is living in your body. This not only helps you identify what anger feels like so you can spot it when it comes up in the future; it also lets you know where to focus your attention for relaxation. To help you find where the anger is living in your body, you can do a body scan and practice mindfulness that engages the body, like progressive muscle relaxation. There are lots of guided body scan meditations available for free on platforms like Spotify, YouTube, and Insight Timer that you can try to get in the habit of scanning your body for signs of anger. Once you’ve spotted the anger in your body, you can focus on relaxing that area. Progressive muscle relaxation can help you slowly shift your body from a state of tension to a state of calm and safety. 

Find your safe place

Anger can feel scary and out of control. When intense emotions like anger come up, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you are safe and in control of yourself. Where is a place you can go mentally to remind yourself that you’re safe? Some people choose a beach or mountains as their safe place, and others prefer a room in their house or a space from their childhood home. 

When you feel an intense emotion, imagine you’re in your safe place. If it helps, carry a reminder of this with you or save a picture on your phone to help you mentally return to your safe place. This can be helpful with lots of distressing emotions, not just anger!

Are you looking for more support in coping with anger? It’s hard to know how to express anger safely when you’ve spent your whole life ignoring it. Our therapists can help you find ways that work for you to safely process and express your anger. Get in touch with our office today to get started!

Learning How to Connect Emotions and Body Sensations

Learning How to Connect Emotions and Body Sensations

Do you know how emotions feel in your body? 

Emotions aren’t only felt in the mind. Our bodies react to our environments just like our brains do, and it can be helpful to connect emotions with body sensations so we can better understand what’s going on within us. 

It’s very common to feel a separation between emotions and body sensations. 

We often don’t receive much education when we’re young about emotional regulation and mental health, so lots of people don’t learn how to tune into the connection between emotions and sensations until adulthood.

Not only that, but in our culture we’re often encouraged to avoid our feelings. Think about how it’s considered a sign of “strength” to appear emotionless, especially in areas of power like politics or medicine. People cheerfully respond “Look on the bright side!” when confronted with the painful emotions of others. We’re taught that uncomfortable emotions like fear, shame, anger, and sadness aren’t as acceptable to express as positive emotions like joy, satisfaction, pride, and hope. 

It can be hard to describe what you’re feeling in your body, particularly if you have a history of using dissociation to cope. 

When you learn how to notice how your body reacts to certain emotions, you’ll be better able to spot difficult emotions when they come up before they cause distress. 

Learning how to connect your emotional experience to what’s going on in your body gives you another resource to turn to when you’re not sure what you’re feeling. If you can’t name it based on what’s going on in your head, turning to the body sensations you’re feeling can help you identify your emotions. 

So, how can you learn how to connect emotions and body sensations for yourself? Here’s a guide on how to approach it: 

Pause

Our bodies use emotions as messengers. They give us information about what’s going on in our environment, and it takes practice to tune into that communication. Give yourself permission to interrupt that communication so you can have more of a say in how you react. Taking a pause before you get carried away with an emotion gives you and your rational self a chance to intervene before things get worse. 

When you notice an uncomfortable feeling, whether it’s in your mind or a sensation in your body, take notice and give yourself space to take a few breaths. Remind yourself of the present moment, and ask yourself what’s actually going on. Taking this time to pause gives you more agency, or control, over the situation. 

Notice and Explore

Once you’ve interrupted your emotional spiral with a pause, it’s time to loop in what’s going on in your body. Do a body scan and try to notice any tension or discomfort that comes up. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Start from the top of your head and work down to your toes (or vice versa) while exploring any sensations you feel. What areas of your body are activated? 

For example, let’s say you’re feeling angry. When some people feel angry, they experience a tightness or pressure in their chest or throat. Some people feel a churning in their stomach or tension in their muscles when they’re angry. Everyone is different, so you’ll have to take the time to get to know your own personal tendencies about how you experience emotions in your body. 

Name

Have you ever heard the phrase “Name it to tame it”? This means that it’s easier to control how we react when we understand what it is that we’re feeling. When naming your emotions, it might be helpful for you to reframe your thoughts from “I am” to “I feel”. 

Why is this change important? Remember, you are not your emotions, you feel your emotions. 

There’s a difference between “I am sad” and “I feel sad,” even if it seems miniscule. The first phrase implies that we are the emotion that we’re feeling, that it is even part of our identity. The other phrase describes what’s actually happening - an emotion, sadness, has come up and you are immersed in it. 

If you’re wondering where to start when naming emotions that you might not be familiar with, using a tool like a feelings wheel (or even an emotions-sensations wheel like this one). This can help give you language to describe what you’re experiencing. Sometimes it will be easier to identify emotions based on the body sensations you feel, and sometimes it will be easier to name an emotion and then connect it to body sensations.The more you practice identifying your emotions and how they show up in your body, the easier it will be in the future. 

Give yourself resources 

Learning how to recognize and name your emotions and body sensations can help you get to the source of your feelings. Once you’ve uncovered that source, it can feel uncomfortable to sit in that emotion fully. How can you give yourself resources to help you cope in the moment? Is there anything you can do  to make things easier for yourself right now? It may also to be helpful to use your newfound emotional identification skills to use and search for any positive sensations that are happening along with what’s going on. Some resources that might help you when you’re in an uncomfortable moment are:

• Grounding practice or mediation

• Mindfulness meditation

• Reminding yourself of where and when you are (you’re safe, you’re in the present moment, not in the past). 

When you have the resources in place to help you cope, it’s easier to sit with an emotion, even if it’s intense. This is because you know that you have the skills and the resources to turn to when you need relief from those intense feelings. 

Express

Now that you understand more about what you’re feeling and where you’re feeling it in your body, you can take action to express that emotion. The way you express your emotion will likely vary from emotion to emotion and even day to day. The key is to tune into both your body and mind and try to meet the needs that they’re expressing to you. 

Are you wondering why it’s necessary to express emotions instead of just ignoring them? When you ignore your emotions or push them down, you can actually do more damage than you think. Suppressing emotions can be linked to poor communication in relationships, resentment, explosions of anger, and even physical symptoms like sleep issues or heart problems. 

People like to express their emotions in all sorts of ways. Here are some ideas to try: 

• Cry

• Scream

• Rapid movement, like running or jumping jacks

• Dance

• Sleep

• Write it out in a journal

• Talk it over with a loved one

• Play a game 

• Make a piece of art that shows your emotional experience

Learning how to connect emotions and body sensations is something that takes practice and lots of compassion. Working with a therapist can give you even more resources to take with you into the world so you can feel confident knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians in. 

What is a Glimmer? Finding the Opposite of a Trigger

What is a Glimmer? Finding the Opposite of a Trigger

In mental health terminology there’s something called a trigger. 

A trigger refers to something, whether it’s a sight or smell or someone’s behavior, that triggers or provokes a trauma response. In these scenarios, Your emotional response will feel out of proportion to what you’re experiencing in the moment; but that is because your brain has interpreted some signal around you as a threat similar to one preceding a traumatic event from your past, and it’s not able to tell the differences in contexts. 

Basically, something reminded your brain of a trauma you experienced, and while brains are extremely smart they can’t always tell the difference between a present threat and a powerful memory. Common experiences that trigger folks tend to be related to things like:

• being confronted

• experiencing rejection or betrayal

• feeling unwelcome or vulnerable

• boundaries being crossed

• feeling controlled or taken advantage of

Any of these scenarios can trigger a strong emotional reaction, in this instance would be called a trigger. But did you know there is something just as strong on the other end of the spectrum? This would be something that brings back memories and feelings associated with strong feelings of joy and safety. You might not have heard of it before, but it has a name! 

This is called a glimmer. 

While a trigger can initiate a trauma response within you, a glimmer is something that can be helpful in soothing your nervous system, reinforcing feelings of safety and calmness. These aren’t just things that make us feel joy, like a funny TV show or an unexpected sweet treat in the office break room. They are actually moments that literally soothe our nervous system, that spark feelings of relaxation, and most importantly, safety. A glimmer acts as a cue that we are safe and everything is going to be okay. 

Deb Dana, LCSW, is the clinician who developed the idea of a trigger, building off of Dr. Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal theory, which was developed in the 1990s. On trauma, she says: 

“Trauma reshapes our system so that we are more prone to pathways of protection than pathways of connection.” This form protection would be one of the four trauma responses, and the pathway to it would be the trigger. But while triggers activate either the sympathetic nervous system or the dorsal vagal branch, glimmers activate our ventral vagal system. As you can see in the chart above, the ventral vagal system is where feelings of groundedness, connection, curiosity, safety, and mindfulness exist. 

In that chart, you can also see why learning what our glimmers are can be helpful. Not only will it provoke those feelings of groundedness, connection & safety, but it also helps to decrease your defensive responses. 

Finding what creates those glimmers for you allows you to create cues within yourself for feelings of safety, connection, and mindfulness. While yours will be specific to you, some common things that act as glimmers for people can be things like: 

• Petting or cuddling a pet

• A specific fragrance 

• Experiencing moments in nature (the sun on your skin, smelling the ocean or a breeze, seeing a rainbow, etc.) 

• Connecting with a stranger 

• The smell or taste of a meaningful dish or drink 

• Hearing your favorite song unexpectedly

How can glimmers become a form of self care?

Even just using the existence of glimmers as a reminder that your brain is working hard to keep you safe and contented. While triggers can make us feel out of control, glimmers help to remind us that not being in control isn’t necessarily a bad thing all of the time. We learn to accept that while there may be struggle or difficulty with the way our brains are wired sometimes, they can also do some pretty miraculous things, just for our benefit. 

They can also help you practice emotional self regulation.

While you may not know what acts as a glimmer for you now, pay attention to those moments you feel calm, grounded, and safe. What happened just before that feeling came over you? Was it the way someone behaved toward you? Was it a smell? Were you out in nature? 

Keep a list of those things that soothe your nervous system, those glimmers. Then, when you experience a moment of intense emotions, or are triggered by something, you have a go to list of things that help to regulate you. 

And on top of all of that, glimmers allow for a positive change in perspective. When you’re actively looking out for things that initiate those feelings of safety and happiness, you notice more things that bring you joy or feelings of contentment. Whether or not they’re strong enough to actually soothe our nervous system doesn’t take away the gratitude you’ll feel for it, or the benefits gratitude can have on your mindset and wellbeing. 

Remember, trauma is individual to every person who experiences it. The way it shows up for you might not be how it shows up for someone else. If you’re looking for more support as you heal after experiencing a trauma, one of our therapists can help support you. Contact us today!

8 Blogs to Help You Manage Your Emotions

8 Blogs to Help You Manage Your Emotions

We all have emotions, but we unfortunately don’t come with instruction manuals to help us figure them out. Often when we’re young, we learn certain ways to cope that we stick with until they cause us problems. These strategies you put into place as a child aren’t always the most supportive ways to manage emotions as an adult, however. It can be painful to realize that the way you attempt to regulate your emotions isn’t working for you anymore. 

Our approach to mental health at Hope+Wellness takes the whole person into view - your mind, body, life experiences, and more are all important sources of information and wisdom. Emotional regulation isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of deal; it requires a more individual approach and lots of compassion. 

We’ve written pretty extensively on the blog about managing emotions and emotional regulation. Regulating your emotions shouldn’t have to be a big mystery. To make it as easy as possible to guide folks toward resources, we’ve put together a roundup of some of our blogs that are focused on naming, feeling, and managing emotions. 

List of Emotions

“Developing a greater awareness of your emotions can help you develop ways to cope with difficult emotions that arise, make healthy decisions, enhance relationships with others, and develop a proactive sense of mastery over your life. Identifying emotions and how you feel in a given situation is often the first critical step towards figuring out how best to manage them.”

Naming Your Emotions

“Instead of feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed by your emotions, learning to identify them not only kickstarts that self soothing process, but also helps you to unpack where that discomfort is coming from. When you know how you’re feeling, you can start to get into the why….Understanding your feelings helps you understand how they impact how you behave with everyone in your life, and also gives you an opportunity to be open with those around about how you’re feeling so they know how to best support you.”

What is Emotional Regulation?

“Emotional regulation isn’t about stopping yourself from feeling certain emotions, or ignoring your emotions and responses, but putting you back in the driver's seat when they become too powerful. Instead of being ruled by your emotions, you can learn to be informed by them. Emotional regulation skills help give you what you need to slow yourself down and respond instead of react.”

Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

“One of the most frustrating experiences in life is when your emotions feel out of control and you’re not sure why. It can make you feel disconnected from yourself and unsure of how to feel better. One way to understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is to understand the window of tolerance model, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. This model helps explain the different zones of functioning we all experience, and how we can work to more effectively regulate our emotions.”

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

“When you’re constantly breaking into fight or flight mode, it’s exhausting. Looking for danger around every turn is draining, and it can leave you feeling fatigued, irritable, and distressed. Feeling a high level of stress can also cause adverse physical symptoms after a while. Our bodies aren’t designed to be under extreme stress for long periods of time, so it can be hard on your body to feel constantly ready for danger. Although a trigger can be unavoidable, there are ways you can be more prepared when they come up, so you’re not left in so much distress each time.”

3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness

“We all have a level of interoceptive awareness, or the ability to understand the messages we get from our bodies. Some people have lower levels of awareness of their internal body sensations, or lower interoceptive awareness. The messages, or interoceptive signals, our bodies send us can be tricky to understand if you’re not sure what to look for, but it’s possible to increase your level of interoceptive awareness. …These interoceptive signals help us identify our emotions, which is an important step in emotional regulation.”

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

“Coping skills are strategies or tools that you can use to manage stressful or distressing situations. Coping skills let you decrease your level of stress and handle difficult emotions in a way that maintains your sense of internal order…Coping skills offer options for getting through moments of distress until you can find a safe place to process what’s going on. It’s not always feasible to feel and process everything you need to in the moment, especially when emotions are heightened. Coping strategies let you get through the moment until you’re able to find a safe place, like a therapy session, to unpack the situation.”

6 Tips To Help You Feel Your Feelings

“Emotions serve an important purpose. When we avoid our feelings, we’re just opening ourselves up to more distress later. When feelings aren’t dealt with, they have a way of coming back even more intensely, and often at an inconvenient time.

Emotions are messengers, but we usually aren’t taught how to decode the messages they are sending us. Even when you do understand what the message is underneath the emotion, it can be hard to know what to do in the moment when you’re feeling a distressing feeling.”

We all experience emotions differently.

If these blogs resonate with you, that’s great! If these tips don’t feel as relevant to you, that doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to manage your emotions at all. You may just need different ideas or the support of a professional like a therapist to help you work on emotional regulation. 

Are you looking for more help managing your emotions? Working with a therapist can help you find more personalized ways to approach emotional regulation that work for you and your lifestyle. Contact us today to learn more about getting started.

4 Ways To Widen Your Window Of Tolerance

4 Ways To Widen Your Window Of Tolerance

Do you ever feel like you have a hard time coping with the ups and downs of life? 

Learning more about your window of tolerance (WoT) and how to widen it can help you feel more capable of coping with what comes your way, no matter what it is. 

What is a window of tolerance?

To recap from our blog post a few weeks ago, it’s “the window where you are able to regulate your emotions and stay grounded in the present is called your window of tolerance. In this zone, you experience a balance of hyperarousal and hypoarousal. You’re right in the sweet spot where you’re able to react rationally, regulate your emotions, and cope with what’s going on.”

Your window of tolerance is the zone where you feel most like yourself. Some call it “Wise Mind”. This zone isn’t set in stone for your whole life. There are things that happen that can narrow your window of tolerance, like attachment wounds, trauma, or abuse. It’s also possible to widen your window of tolerance, and expand your ability to regulate your emotions. 

How does your Window of Tolerance affect you?

When you’re in your window of tolerance, you feel grounded, calm, and capable of accessing your intuition and rational mind. You can be outside of your window of tolerance in two ways: hyperarousal  and hypoarousal. When you’re hyperaroused, you might feel anxious, jittery, hypervigilant, or high energy. On the other hand, when you’re hypoaroused, you might feel numb, depressed, frozen, or ashamed. 

It’s uncomfortable to be in these states of extreme stress for a long time. Your body isn’t meant to constantly be in fight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode. Physiologically, it’s not beneficial to be flooded with stress hormones all the time or to be so numb that you dissociate. When your mental state seems like it runs away without your permission, it can feel like you’re out of control, even if you’re not doing it on purpose. 

Everyone’s window of what they can tolerate is different. We’re all born differently, first of all, and so some people are just naturally able to tolerate more than others. Adverse experiences, like trauma, abuse, or neglect, also have an impact on our window of tolerance. If your window of tolerance isn’t as wide as you’d like it to be, remember that it’s not your fault. Your body and brain are doing their best to protect you, even if it’s leading to more distress down the line. The first step is noticing what’s going on, so give yourself some credit for learning more about this topic. 

Why widen your Window of Tolerance at all?

Widening your window of tolerance helps with emotional regulation. When you have a hard time tolerating emotions, emotional regulation is a ton of work. When you learn how to work within your window of tolerance and expand it, you’ll find it easier to return to a baseline that’s calm, rational, and capable. Increasing your window of tolerance also increases your resilience and reduces feelings of shame. It’s uncomfortable to feel emotionally dysregulated, and feeling out of control of yourself can lead to shame. 

Learning how to soothe yourself back into your window of tolerance teaches you that you’re more capable than you think. 

Learning where your window of tolerance is gives you more information about yourself. It can be tricky to look at your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judgment sometimes. When you understand more about where your window of tolerance is, you’ll be able to have a deeper understanding of why you do the things you do. You can look with curiosity instead of judgment when new intense emotions come up. 

It’s beneficial to work on widening your window of tolerance. Here are 4 ways to practice:  .

Notice when you’re outside your window

The first step to widening your WoT is to notice when you are outside of it. It’s helpful to learn specifically what it feels like to you to be outside your window, whether you’re hyperaroused or hypoaroused. Being able to spot when you’re moving away from your window will help you intervene more effectively so you can get back to your regulated self. Keep track of a few tell-tale signs that you’re outside your window. Maybe you notice your breathing picks up or you feel tension in your stomach. Maybe you start to feel numb or disconnected from yourself. Understanding your own patterns will help you figure out what to do next. 

Once you’ve spotted that you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you can use your skills to return there. It’s helpful to have a number of coping skills to choose from so if one isn’t working or you feel you need more support you have options. Working with a therapist can help you learn and practice coping skills that will support you in returning to your baseline instead of fight or flight. 

Practice mindfulness

When you’re outside your WoT, it can feel like your brain is running away from you, either all fired up or off to shut down. Either way, when you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you’re often not focused on the present moment. Other things get in the way, and it can take a conscious choice to return back to the present moment. 

A powerful way to move back to your window of tolerance is to practice mindfulness. This can be a grounding practice, deep breathing, meditation, movement - anything that moves your thoughts away from the stress and toward what is happening in the present moment. 

Let yourself be uncomfortable

It doesn’t feel good to be outside your window of tolerance. Our brains don’t like to be uncomfortable, so often they will do anything to distract us from the discomfort. However, to widen your window of tolerance, you’ll need to practice being comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

It can be hard to remember that all feelings are temporary when you’re in the middle of an intense emotional reaction. Try to remind yourself that what you’re feeling will pass. It might be helpful to remind yourself that you have coping skills that you can use to help you feel better when you’re done with the uncomfortable feeling. The more practice you give yourself with these painful feelings, the more you will see that you are able to cope more effectively than you think. 

Be a safe place for yourself

When you’ve lived for so long in a state of stress or arousal, it can feel like everything, including your own thoughts, is unsafe. Do what you can to suspend judgment for yourself. It’s no fun being judged, especially by yourself. When you practice self compassion, you show yourself that you’re safe. Your brain is really smart - it picks up on what your beliefs about yourself are, even if they’re unconscious. Think about it - do you respond well to harsh criticism, threats, and insults? Probably not. It’s way more motivating to be curious and compassionate about where you’re coming from. 

Are you looking for more ways to widen your window of tolerance? Working with a therapist can give you more ways to regulate your emotions and feel like your old self again. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!