5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

Are you someone who likes to improve yourself?

We all like to think that we’re the best versions of ourselves. Life is full of lessons, and as humans we’re always learning and changing. What was important to you 6 years ago is probably different from what was important to you 6 months ago. Our values shift, we gain more experiences in the world, and we learn more about ourselves along the way. Change happens naturally, but there are also times when people actively seek out changes in their lives in a self-development practice.

Life would be pretty boring if everything stayed the same forever. Wanting to work on self-development or improve yourself doesn’t mean that you’re not happy with where your life is right now. Sometimes that’s the case for people, but often people decide to work on themselves because they love and value who they are and want the best for themselves. 

When going down the road of self-development, it can be tempting to compare yourself to everyone else.

There’s always going to be someone who seems like they’re doing everything better than you - work, family, friends, romance, hobbies. Remember that what you’re seeing is the highlight reel. Most people hide the tricky parts of life on social media, so everything looks super easy and simple. Real life is complicated, and it’s okay. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else, even when you’re working on self-development. 

To help you avoid the comparison trap, try to keep in mind why you’re working on self-development. What is your goal? Working on yourself can help you:

• Learn new things

• Have new experiences

• Meet new people

• Live out your values

• Break bad habits

• Change the way you relate to people

• Work on regulating your emotions

Wanting to improve doesn’t mean you didn’t like who you were before. It can mean that you want to give yourself new experiences, you believe in your abilities, or even that someone inspired you to do things differently. Whatever your reasons, There are some simple steps you can take to start a self-development practice. 

Here are 5 suggestions for how you can start a self-development practice for yourself: 

Read as much as you can

Making time for reading can be a tall order these days, but reading is a major way to learn new things. With reading, you can experience different points of view, explore new concepts, and give your brain something to do besides endless scrolling. Whether you like to read books, magazines, newspapers, ereaders, articles, or something else, there’s something out there for you. When you spend more time reading, you also have less time to spend on things like social media or a Netflix binge. 

Be accountable for harm you cause

We all cause harm. We all make mistakes. That’s a part of life! We don’t all learn how to be accountable for the harm we cause, though. It’s tough to admit to yourself that you hurt someone or caused harm somewhere. Pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t help anyone, though. 

When a situation comes up where you don’t react the way you want to, own up to it. Apologize if you need to. Make a plan for how you’re going to prevent it from happening again. It’s hard to do this, but it gets easier with practice. It also gets easier when you remind yourself that even when you cause harm, you are still worthy, valuable, and lovable as a person. Doing harm isn’t great, but it doesn’t negate everything else that you are either. We all cause harm at some point or another, so try to lead with compassion, even for yourself. 

Practice self-soothing

Lots of us don’t learn how to make ourselves feel better in effective ways until fairly late in life. We all have moments where we’re in distress, but in those moments it is tough to know what will actually make us feel better. Teaching yourself how to self-soothe is a skill that will pay off over and over. 

There are tons of ways to self-soothe. Some people find movement really soothing. Others like to practice grounding techniques or use DBT skills to manage distress. Therapy can help teach you different ways to cope when you’re feeling distressed which you can then take with you into your everyday life and use as needed. 

Make time for rest

We all need to rest, and we often don’t make time for it until we’re totally burned out. Sleep makes a huge difference, but sleep isn’t the only type of rest there is. Taking time where you’er truly not doing anything is just as important as getting enough sleep. When you’re not getting enough sleep, your body and brain don’t have the chance to repair themselves and process things. When you don't’ make enough time for rest, you set yourself up for burnout and stress.

Practice self reflection

Part of improving yourself is being honest with yourself when things aren’t working. If there are habits or patterns that are no longer working for you, it can be hard to admit that you need to make a change. However, remaining in denial just means that you’re going to be stuck in the same patterns. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that things aren’t exactly how you want them to be right now. This can also give you a chance to explore 

Are you looking for more ways to improve yourself? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

8 Ways to Upgrade Your Self-Care Routine in 2022

8 Ways to Upgrade Your Self-Care Routine in 2022

Does the new year get you in the mood to make some changes? The idea of a fresh start is enticing, and the end of the year can be the perfect time to evaluate what’s working for you in your life and what you want to change in the year to come. Of course, not everyone likes making big changes at the new year (or sometimes people feel pressured to change by advertising and social media), so the idea of making a change now doesn’t sit right with everyone. If that’s the case, feel free to read over these suggestions and save them for a time when you are making a change. 

One impactful way to make a change is to reconsider and upgrade your self-care routine. The last two years have thrown a lot at us, and in turn it’s helpful to amp up the way we care for ourselves in these difficult times. 

Upgrading your self care routine can be as quick as putting reminders in your calendar to pick up your prescriptions or scheduling an appointment with a therapist. It can also mean reconsidering how you currently take care of yourself and letting go of practices that no longer serve you. 

Everyone is different, so everyone’s self-care practices and preferences will look different. It’s easy to get into the comparison game these days with everyone else’s highlight reel literally a click away, but try to focus on what you’re doing for you, not on what everyone else is doing. Even if someone’s life seems perfect, they undoubtedly have some stuff they’re dealing with behind the scenes. Your self-care routine should give you space to rest, relax, and rejuvenate, as well as feel creatively and emotionally fulfilled. 

As it happens, we have a ton of ideas for how to upgrade your self-care routine in the new year. Each suggestion leads to a more in-depth post on the topic so you can dive deep if you want to. Here they are:

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

“When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.). It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationships.

Another way comparison can cause harm is the way it leads you to over evaluate yourself. While self awareness is good, like all things it needs moderation. Excessive self awareness and self evaluation will get you stuck in your head, overthinking, and preventing you from actually meaningfully engaging in the present.”

Work on Being Nicer to Yourself

“Self-compassion is being nice to yourself. The idea of self-compassion is drawn from Buddhism. Being kind to yourself might sound really simplistic, but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. Many of us have a voice in our heads that chimes in when we mess up. That voice is called the Inner Critic, and it can be hard to notice it sometimes. 

There are times when we’re so immersed in beating ourselves up that we don’t even consider that there’s another option. However, there is always another option. Being kind, gentle, and understanding to yourself is always a choice you can make, it just takes practice to remember that that’s an option.”

Get to Know Yourself Better

“Do you have to get to know yourself? It’s not required, but understanding yourself on a deeper level can increase your overall happiness, reduce the sense of inner conflict you feel, and help you feel more empowered. The better you know yourself, the better decisions you can make. 

You know what your boundaries are and what your needs are. You’ll be able to resist peer pressure or comparing yourself to others, because you’re confident that the path you’re on is right for you (and if you’re not on the right path, you’ll have a map to it when you understand yourself on a deeper level). Not only will it be easier to make decisions and exercise self-control when you get to know yourself better, but you’ll also feel more understanding toward others.”

Dedicate Time to Being Creative Regularly

“Creativity in any form helps us to express our feelings. Whether that’s through writing, singing, dancing, painting, sculpting, etc., creativity gives us an outlet to be freely vulnerable and authentic. 

Through art, music, movement, or other forms of expression we can start to unpack and understand our feelings, and what those feelings are telling us about ourselves, our needs, and our desires.”

Start Using Affirmations

“Research shows that using affirmations can essentially reprogram your mind. Instead of sticking with your old patterns of negative thinking and self-talk, affirmations teach your brain to make new connections. Getting into the habit of using affirmations can also help you get more familiar with the patterns in your day to day thoughts. When you notice what’s going on, you can do something to change it. 

Another great thing about affirmations is that you get to choose them. There are so many things about life that we can’t control and can’t change. One thing we can control is how we think. If you find negative thoughts and assumptions creeping in, you can choose to engage with them or not. You can decide to think about positive things to try to shift that negativity.”

Reparent Your Inner Child

“If growing up you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to, then because of your inner child, there is still a part of you holding onto that fear. And that fear has likely affected your life as an adult–even though the experience was so long ago. As the adult you are now, you are able to identify what in your inner child needs healing, and then provide them with it. This is how you work as both parent and child within yourself. You are the child, hurting. And you are the parent, helping them heal. 

When you start building a life that makes your inner child feel safe and loved and listened to, you are able to let go of those coping mechanisms you used when you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to. In this way, inner child work helps you reach the future you want by healing your past wounds.”

Tap Into Your Intuition

“Past experiences are all stored in our brains, and while we may not be actively thinking about them, our brain can access them when it needs to. It uses those past experiences and cues from our environment and our sense of self and all comes together to give us those gut feelings we call intuition. 

Your body and your brain can interpret your environment faster than you can, so when you get a “bad feeling” it doesn’t mean you’re overreacting or being “crazy”–it means that there is something there, some element of your environment that triggered that knowledge in the back recesses of your brain before you could piece it together yourself.”

Explore Spirituality

“At its core, spirituality is about connecting with your world. It’s about finding your values, and finding ways to live your life with them in mind. It’s about finding your purpose, your connection to others, your connection to the world around you. Spirituality, whatever form it shows up in, is how we make sense of the time we’re given in this world.

Spiritual wellness just means that you are asking yourself the question “What does it mean for me to be spiritually fulfilled?” and then doing your best to incorporate practices that help you achieve that fulfilment.”

What are you looking forward to in 2022? If you’re looking for more support as you shift your routines in the new year, talking with a therapist can help.

Keeping Peace with Your Body During the Holiday Season

Happy December!

We’re now into the last month of 2021, can you believe it? And this month brings many opportunities for celebrations with it. From belated “friendsgiving” parties, various religious holiday celebrations, and New Year’s get-togethers, there is a lot of space for joy at the end of the year. But there’s also a lot of pressure and stress associated with this season! And one thing that people really struggle with is maintaining peace with their body and how it might change this season. 

Just like the world around us, we (and our bodies) go through seasons. 

Sometimes we’re active and energetic, sometimes we’re developing new skills and growing, and sometimes we’re finding ways to provide rest and rejuvenation to ourselves. 

In winter, with the cold weather and darker days, our bodies naturally produce more melatonin, and use up lots of energy staying warm. When that happens, we feel more tired, depleted, and basically like we want to stay cozied up in bed until springtime comes. (This is also what contributes to seasonal affective disorder.)

On top of this, usually in winter the weather is worse. It’s cold and unpredictable and harder to physically be out in. So we’re not walking to places we might walk to in better weather, outdoor hobbies like hiking or kayaking or various sports are on hold until spring. All of this adds up to us being naturally a little more sedentary in the winter. And that’s not a bad thing! 

Just like trees lose their leaves and pause their growth to preserve energy in the winter, we need periods of rest too. 

We don’t consider the tree lazy for falling asleep until spring, so why would our increased need for rest be a bad thing?

There are also social impacts to our bodies this season. While our energy and movement is lower than the rest of the year, it’s also a season of lots and lots of celebrations. And these celebrations are often heavily food-centered. Getting together for big meals, cookie exchanges, etc.–it’s hard to avoid food based parties this time of year. And, we also look forward to a lot of this food all year long! Of course we want to enjoy it. 

So if we’re needing to be more restful while also having more opportunities to enjoy food with loved ones, then naturally weight gain will be a common change we can see in our bodies this time of year. But, while all of these things may make sense, if you struggle with your body image, it can be an emotionally difficult time of year. If you find your relationship with your body image straining this time of year, here are four things to remind yourself of this season: 

Weight changes are morally neutral:

There are many things that contribute to changes in weight (both gain & loss) that have nothing to do with “calories in, calories out.” Things like your genetics, your environment, your socioeconomic status, sudden health or financial challenges, and your mental health. In fact weight changes happen to all of us all of the time. Most people do not stay at one weight the majority of their adult lives–as our circumstances change, so do our bodies. Weight changes don’t reflect any sort of moral failing or lack of self-discipline, they simply reflect a period of change. 

Food is not good or bad:

When people say food is “good” or “bad” usually what they mean is “healthy” or “unhealthy.” However, even this distinction is unhelpful and unintentionally harmful. We need some foods because they nourish our physical health and we need other foods because they nourish our emotional health. So much tradition and community and closeness can be passed down through food: the prepping of it and the cooking of it and the sharing of it. Those foods might not necessarily be “healthy” in the sense that they aren’t nutrient dense but they are healthy in the sense that they are something to enjoy and savor with loved ones, which nurtures our mental and emotional health. Instead of seeing food as “good” or “bad” foods, try to reframe these labels. Don’t ask if it’s good or bad or healthy or unhealthy, but if it’s physically nourishing or emotionally nourishing. 

There’s a motive to the messaging:

The fitness and diet culture industries are in full swing this time of year, knowing that we’ll be surrounded by opportunities to be cozy with full stomachs, happy & content with loved ones.  You’ll likely start to see messages about restricting your calorie intake or using the new year to shed the weight of any “guilty pleasure” foods you “indulged” in over the holiday. These messages might be framed as being for your health, but health is never so black and white. Instead, it’s a message intended to make you feel guilty about things completely natural to humans (enjoying food and living in a body that changes) so that they can make money selling you a “solution” to these “problems.” If it truly was about your health it would be individual, personalized care. No stranger on the internet or at a gym knows anything about your health or what influences it! 

You’re allowed to set boundaries:

Diet culture is so permeated in our culture, it’s hard to avoid it, especially diet talk. It’s so common, many people don’t even realize they’re doing it! Like your aunt who takes a cookie and talks about how she’s “naughty” for eating something she “shouldn’t.” These kinds of comments are so common, half the time we don’t even clock them as part of diet culture. But when you’re working on making and keeping peace with your body, these comments can be harmful and grating! It can be helpful to have a few phrases that politely but directly shut down that sort of talk around you like:

• “Let’s not talk about calories and just enjoy our time together.”

• “My body will tell me when I’m full, I don’t need to restrict myself.” 

• “We’ve all worked so hard on the food we brought to share, let’s not refer to it as ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’”

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

Have you ever heard the term “coping skills” and wondered what that means? Coping skills are pretty popular these days as a buzzword on social media and health websites. There are lots of great tips out there on how to use coping skills, but it’s harder to find information out there about what coping skills are and why we develop them in the first place.

Coping skills are strategies or tools that you can use to manage stressful or distressing situations. Coping skills let you decrease your level of stress and handle difficult emotions in a way that maintains your sense of internal order. 

Most of us have coping skills in one way or another - getting through life is hard, and we all need ways to support our journey.

Coping skills or strategies are a way to manage stress both in the moment and long-term. Stress can cause all kinds of negative problems, like irritability, heart problems, and sleep disturbances. 

Coping skills offer options for getting through moments of distress until you can find a safe place to process what’s going on. It’s not always feasible to feel and process everything you need to in the moment, especially when emotions are heightened. Coping strategies let you get through the moment until you’re able to find a safe place, like a therapy session, to unpack the situation. 

Coping skills come in two basic forms, problem-based and emotion-based. Some people also conceptualize coping skills as being short term, to get you through the moment, or long-term, to help maintain balance in your life. 

As the name suggests, problem-based coping skills come up when there’s a problem or situation that you need to deal with. Problem-based coping skills can also be useful for long-term coping. For example, if you find yourself chronically tired, a problem-based coping skill would be to develop a nighttime routine that works for you. It may take time to implement, but establishing the habit of getting a good night’s sleep can help prevent future stresses from overwhelming you. Emotion-based coping skills allow you to take care of your feelings when things are out of your control or when you’re overwhelmed in the moment. 

Someone who grows up in an emotionally abusive home would probably rely more on emotion-based coping strategies. Since the person being abused has no control over the abuse, emotion based coping skills can help them deal with the abuse until they can escape it. However, problem-based coping skills may be helpful to them when they are at an age where they can leave the abusive home. 

Here are some common coping strategies that people use to deal with tough situations: 

• Negative self talk

• Catastrophizing or other cognitive distortions

• Worrying

• Escaping through books, media, and imagination

• Self-soothing with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc.

• Compulsive behaviors like shopping or gambling

• Numbing out with alcohol or drugs

• Getting too much or too little sleep

• Self-harm

• Reckless behaviors, like driving too fast

While all of these coping skills can provide relief in the moment, these are not all supportive habits in the long term. Sometimes, the coping skills we use to protect ourselves get out of control. This can happen when folks rely on things like substances to cope, for example. 

Lots of times, people refer to certain coping skills as ‘healthy’ or “unhealthy”, although more helpful terms might be supportive or unsupportive.

Many of us developed coping strategies to get through hard times, like trauma or mental illness. Those coping skills allowed you to survive. It’s okay if you had to use coping skills that aren’t supportive long-term. Whatever coping skills you’ve had to use in the past, they’ve allowed you to keep going to where you are today. There’s nothing to be ashamed of! 

Although the coping strategies you’ve used up until now  might not be ideal for you currently, you are don’t have to view them as unhealthy. You can instead decide that you’re looking for coping strategies that are supportive of where you are right now, instead of relying on ones that have gotten you to this point so far. You can even go so far as to thank your old coping skills for helping you stay alive until now. If you’re looking to find some new coping skills that are more supportive of where you are now, you have options. 

It can be helpful to have a list of coping skills ready to go for a time when you’re feeling distressed or overwhelmed. When you’re in the moment, it can be hard to think clearly, especially when you’re upset. Having a list handy helps take away the need to come up with ways to support yourself, so you can just jump right in to using your coping strategies. 

Here are some coping strategies that you may find more supportive long-term:

• Progressive muscle relaxation

• Grounding techniques

• Breathwork

• Meditation or mindfulness practice

• Taking a bath

• Spending time outside 

• Cooking or baking

• Being creative

• Gardening

• Gentle physical movement

• Playing with a pet

• Listening to music

• Drinking a warm beverage

• Reading 

• Setting boundaries

• Going to therapy

If you’re looking for more support as you explore your coping skills and establish new ones, a therapist can help suggest skills that fit your needs. Unpacking your history of coping skills with a therapist can be a helpful way to identify what’s working and what isn’t! 

How to Move Through Grief with Kindness and Self-Compassion

How to Move Through Grief with Kindness and Self-Compassion

By Jamie Glidewell, LICSW, LCSW-C, LCSW, APHSW-C

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens” ~Pema Chodron

We will all weather the different storms that grief brings to us across our lifetime.  Grief is certain and inevitable and it can be an intense, emotional, scary and difficult experience and it can bring a multitude of emotions and a host of physiological symptoms and side effects as well.

To complicate our personal and unique experiences of grief, we live in a society that is generally dismissive of the grief experience which can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and isolation.

If there was ever a time to be kind to ourselves, it would be during the different seasons of our grief.

However, it is not uncommon that we become highly self-critical and particularly unforgiving to ourselves while we are grieving.

Common critical thoughts or sentiments that come up are worries that we are grieving incorrectly, that our grief is taking too long, that something is wrong with us, that we handled things poorly with our loved one, dwelling on what could have been different, thinking about the things we should or shouldn’t have done, the list goes on. Some complicated feelings that can accompany our grief are feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, and regret; any combination of these emotions can exacerbate grief and also impact anxiety, sadness and depression.

Softening the hard edges of grief

There is not an antidote for grief but there is an approach that can soften the hard edges of our grief. This approach entails meeting yourself with kindness and self-compassion.  The goal is not to push aside, dismiss or ignore your feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame or regret.

More so, it is to treat yourself and talk to yourself in the same way that you would a trusted friend.  It is showing up for yourself amidst your pain and allowing yourself to hold two things at the same time. For example, it is acknowledging that you may feel guilty for the way you spoke to your loved one before they died, while also holding the truth that you are human and were doing the best you could at the time.

What exactly is self-compassion?

Does this sound too vague or ambiguous at first glance?  It may help to pause here and take a deeper dive into understanding what exactly is self-compassion.  Dr. Kristin Neff has spent her life’s work researching self-compassion and creating a base of knowledge that supports the understanding that self-compassion can increase motivation, happiness, self-worth, can foster resilience, and reduce psychological distress (Neff & Germer, 2018).  There are three components to self-compassion, and they include self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff & Germer, 2018):

1. Self-compassion relates to being able to sit with the discomfort of our pain and suffering without resorting to self-judgement, criticism, blame; it relates to being able to meet these difficult and dark moments with our eyes and hearts open and with a tone of sympathy and kindness; talking to ourselves the way we would a friend or loved one. 

2. Common Humanity relates to understanding and embracing the idea that we are imperfectly human and that part of this human experience involves the inevitability of pain and suffering. Common humanity reconnects us to each other during these difficult times instead of falling into the trap of withdrawal and isolation.

3. Mindfulness involves cultivating and maintaining an awareness of how we are doing and what we need in this moment and the next. It involves recognizing the feeling and sitting with it, essentially riding the waves of emotions as they come. This encourages a more balanced approach that doesn’t dismiss what we are feeling and also doesn’t exaggerate it.

How to put self-compassion into action with grief

Given that self-compassion involves kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, the question becomes how to best apply it to your experience of grief. Below are some helpful ways to meet grief with compassion

• Meet your grief with kindness. 

  • Be curious about what you are feeling and look out for the roadblocks of guilt, blame, shame and try to recognize the ways these emotions are impacting your overall experience with grief.  Realize there is room for forgiveness, even self-forgiveness in grief.

• Remember that suffering and grief are both an important and inevitable part of being human.

  • Remember that you are not alone in these painful moments.  Community can be a helpful way to process your grief and support groups (in-person, virtual, online, or through social media platforms) can bring deep meaning, connection and a felt sense of being understood. You will learn, and grow and change around your grief and even if you can’t feel this right now, trust your fellow humans who are right here beside you.

• Be present in your grief.

  • Ride the waves of grief as they come and trust that by sitting with the pain and difficult emotions it will allow the room you need to survive what sometimes feels intolerable and insurmountable.  By being mindful of your emotions you can also be attentive and caring to yourself, this circles right back to self-compassion and offers the opportunity to be gentle, sympathetic and kind to yourself as you grieve.

This approach encourages clarity and perspective that informs a gentler approach through your grief and actually increases the resiliency to feel the intensity of the emotions such as sadness and longing without them being overshadowed or squashed by the shame or guilt. Spending less time beating yourself up gives you more space and energy to grieve and take care of yourself while grieving. 

Expressions of self-compassion

Sometimes people ask how exactly they can express self-compassion to themselves; in other words, how they can practice self-compassion each day. Some specific expressions of self-compassion include the following:

• Trusting yourself

• Giving yourself permission to grieve fully and deeply

• Slowing down

• Remembering to breathe

• Allowing yourself to rest

• Giving yourself grace when you struggle with focus, motivation, attention (or anything else, as things that were easy before the loss may be wildly difficult or unavailable to you right now)

• Finding a creative outlet

• Letting people know what you need from them

• Practicing self-forgiveness

• Being kind to yourself! Watch out for the self-criticism. Rather than beating yourself up about things, instead simply notice self-critical thoughts and release them when they come back around (as they naturally will). 

• Physical acts of self-compassion: placing a hand on your heart and feeling the warmth and pressure of your hand, giving yourself a hug, squeezing your hands together.

Above all, be patient with your grief and be patient with the journey towards self-compassion.  They both take time and self-compassion takes practice.

References: Neff, K., & Germer, C. K. (2018).The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. Guilford Press.

How Affirmations Can Help You Be Kinder To Yourself

How Affirmations Can Help You Be Kinder To Yourself

Are you nice to yourself? 

If you’ve never actively noticed the way you talk to yourself in your head, you might be surprised. You might think that you don’t send any kind of strong messages to yourself, but you may just not be tuned in. When you start noticing the things you say to yourself, you might find that you’re pretty hard on yourself. 

If it makes you feel better, it’s not all your fault! We live in a society that is constantly trying to sell us something, so it’s a marketing tactic to make you feel negatively about yourself, and unfortunately it works. It can also be hard to talk nicely to yourself if you’ve experienced trauma or abuse. Some people find that it can be really hard to think nice things about themselves - they feel that they don’t deserve it on an intrinsic level. 

The truth is, what you think matters. Your thoughts influence your reality by creating an energy and perspective that shape your actions. Positive affirmations can help you develop a more positive perspective that leads to more positive actions. Endless negative self-talk creates a negative energy that can lead to negative actions. Whether you notice or not, the thoughts that you think influence the way you see the world. 

One way to fight against negative self-talk and be kinder to yourself is to use affirmations. 

What are affirmations?

An affirmation is an assertion or declaring that something is true. Affirmations have gained popularity recently for being a helpful piece of the self-care toolkit, but people have been using affirmations for a long time. Basically, affirmations are facts or ideas, that you then declare to be true about yourself. They can be positive or negative. For example, an affirmation can be “I am deserving of kindness.” or “I’m so annoying.” When you use an affirmation, you repeat the phrase or statement over and over to yourself. When the thought is negative, that can lead to feeling pretty badly about yourself. When an affirmation is positive, though, it can be a game changer. 

To use affirmations, you just pick a few phrases you like, and repeat them to yourself often. You can set reminders on your phone or calendar so you get in the habit of saying your affirmation at certain times of the day. You can try saying it to yourself in the mirror when you brush your teeth, or stick it next to another daily habit so it’s easy to remember. You can keep a list of affirmations on your notes app, on a sticky note, in your journal - wherever it’s easy for you to access. It might seem weird at first, but they work! 

Affirmations are like a cool little mind hack - you can talk your brain into believing something.

Research shows that using affirmations can essentially reprogram your mind. Instead of sticking with your old patterns of negative thinking and self-talk, affirmations teach your brain to make new connections. Getting into the habit of using affirmations can also help you get more familiar with the patterns in your day to day thoughts. When you notice what’s going on, you can do something to change it. 

Another great thing about affirmations is that you get to choose them. There are so many things about life that we can’t control and can’t change. One thing we can control is how we think. If you find negative thoughts and assumptions creeping in, you can choose to engage with them or not. You can decide to think about positive things to try to shift that negativity. 

We live in a world that is full of scary, uncertain things. What if you could count on one thing, always - that you would treat yourself with kindness? The certainty that you will always be kind to yourself can go a long way to making you feel more confident. You deserve to be treated with kindness, especially by yourself. 

If you’re looking to start using affirmations, here are 25 affirmations to help you be kinder to yourself:

1. I unconditionally love and accept myself. 

2. I forgive myself. 

3. I am enough. 

4. I am a person deserving of respect. 

5. I deserve to be treated with kindness. 

6. I am worthy of respect and acceptance, especially from myself. 

7. I know my worth. 

8. I am allowed to take up space. 

9. I choose not to criticize myself. 

10. I unconditionally respect myself. 

11. I am loveable and I am loved. 

12. I am capable and courageous. 

13. I deserve love, compassion, and empathy.

14. I have the courage to create boundaries. 

15. My thoughts and feelings are important. 

16. My mistakes don’t define me. 

17. I deserve to have fulfilling relationships. 

18. My life has meaning beyond what others think of me. 

19. It is a joy to get to know myself.

20. I deserve to be listened to. 

21. I do not have to be perfect all of the time. 

22. I am allowed to be flawed and worthy of respect. 

23. I am more than my negative thoughts.

24. I am proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished. 

25. I respect and love myself, and that will never change. 

If you’re looking for more support to change your mindset, our clinicians can help you on the journey to being kinder to yourself. 

7 Ways to Get To Know Yourself Better

7 Ways to Get To Know Yourself Better

When was the last time you learned something new about yourself? One of the wonderful parts of being a person is that the journey to get to know yourself is never-ending. We grow and change all the time, depending on what’s going on in the world, our relationships, and how we feel about all of it. It’s not always easy to keep up with the changes, even when they’re happening to us. 

Do you have to get to know yourself? It’s not required, but understanding yourself on a deeper level can increase your overall happiness, reduce the sense of inner conflict you feel, and help you feel more empowered. The better you know yourself, the better decisions you can make. You know what your boundaries are and what your needs are. You’ll be able to resist peer pressure or comparing yourself to others, because you’re confident that the path you’re on is right for you (and if you’re not on the right path, you’ll have a map to it when you understand yourself on a deeper level). Not only will it be easier to make decisions and exercise self-control when you get to know yourself better, but you’ll also feel more understanding toward others. 

Getting to know yourself requires self-compassion. No one wants to get closer to someone who is mean to them! When you practice being kind and compassionate toward yourself, it will be easier to apply that to others as well. Understanding yourself is the gift that keeps on giving! 

If you’re looking for ways to get to know yourself better, here are 7 ideas:

Consider your values

Have you ever explicitly thought about what you value? Not just in a partner or in a job, but in your life. It’s not something we commonly think about, so it’s okay if you’ve never considered it before! Step one to understanding yourself is to understand what is important to you. What you value is a key to what is important to you, so take some time to write down a list of values that are important to you. 

Try new things 

You never know if you’ll like something until you try! One fun way to understand yourself better is to go out of your way to try new things. Try out new hobbies or activities that sound interesting to you. See if you can find any local clubs or organizations that host events. Social media is a great place to check - often many businesses make their events public so you can easily search them and see what’s going on in your area. 

Recall what you liked as a child

What did you like when you were little? What were you instinctively drawn to? Use that as a jumping off point to get to know your adult self. What has changed since you were little? Is there anything you loved then that you don’t like now, and vice versa? If you’re stuck on new things to do or try from the last suggestion, try to use your inner child for ideas. What would little you like to do? 

Take an assessment 

A psychological assessment is a fantastic way to understand your brain on a deeper level. Psychological assessments can be done for any number of reasons, including wanting to understand yourself better. You don’t have to be concerned that you have a diagnosis, although that is another great reason to get tested. Psychological assessments can measure things like intellectual ability, academic functioning, memory and learning, language, visuo-spatial functioning, executive functioning, attention and concentration, emotional functioning, and behavioral functioning, and personality. An assessment can help provide you with a plan to guide you forward in a way that works with your strengths. 

Keep a journal

Keeping a journal is helpful for mental health in so many ways. A journal is a place where you can open up, and it can be helpful for spotting patterns in your thinking and behavior. Keep a journal for a few weeks and look back over the entries - is there anything that comes up multiple times that surprises you? Follow that thread to uncover something new about yourself. 

Learn to listen when you are communicating with yourself

There are a number of reasons why it’s tough to tune into what your mind and body are telling you. You might not be familiar with the way that your body or brain speaks to you. For example, many people have a hard time understanding their body’s hunger and fullness cues after years of restriction and dieting. When you’ve spent so long trying not to notice what your body is saying, it can be really hard to tune back in. Try to keep a note or journal entry where you notice when you are communicating with yourself. Anytime you get a gut feeling, or you hear a tiny voice in your head, try to focus on it instead of pushing it away. 

Practice mindfulness

Getting to know yourself better requires honesty and zero judgment. It’s hard to discover things about yourself if you are beating yourself up for what you find. A regular mindfulness practice can be a great way to train yourself to stop judging your thoughts. Mindfulness is all about being in the present moment, not stuck in the past or worrying about the future. There are lots of ways to practice mindfulness - you can meditate, you can journal, you can walk or dance, you can make art - anything that lets you quiet your brain down so you can simply notice what’s coming up. The trick is to just notice - not to judge or hide. Mindfulness is helpful because it can be used just about anywhere - all you need is your brain. 

If you’re getting to know yourself better, you can get an assessment at Hope+Wellness. We will leave no stone unturned to look at questions you have but also questions you don’t even know you have — so that you can walk away from the evaluation with definitive answers you are seeking, along with a personalized roadmap ahead.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

How does comparison harm us?

Most obviously, comparison usually makes us feel inadequate. Particularly when we’re comparing ourselves to a carefully curated version of someone else's life (like their instagram feed). We see amazing or exciting things people are sharing, and if we’re not in the middle of something amazing or exciting ourselves, it can make us feel like we fall short. 

But it isn’t just us that it harms. Too much comparison can also be damaging to your relationships. When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.) It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationship. 

Another way comparison can cause harm is the way it leads you to over evaluate yourself. While self awareness is good, like all things it needs moderation. Excessive self awareness and self evaluation will get you stuck in your head, overthinking, and preventing you from actually meaningfully engaging in the present. If every time you have free time you’re spending it overthinking how your life compares to everyone else’s life, you’re not living it! Hyper-awareness of yourself and “flaws” will make it so you can only see those things, instead of the full picture. 

So how do we fall into the comparison trap so easily?

A huge factor in modern life is social media. It has never been so easy to see exactly what everyone is up to at just about every moment of the day. That’s an enormous amount of information to take in! Even just on instagram, posts and stories make it so we’re constantly consuming the best looking and most exciting parts of people’s lives, as though that is their normal everyday life. 

Another place to look is the people you surround yourself with. Are you constantly around overly competitive people? While a little competition can be a good thing, if your entire social circle is concerned with besting everyone they’ve ever met–of course you’re going to be constantly evaluating yourself and comparing what you find to everyone else. Make an effort to spend time around people who genuinely celebrate others–because attitudes are infectious! You will start to be able to enjoy other people’s victories without feeling like they are your losses if that is the attitude of the friends you spend time with. 

So how can you stop the comparison game?

Reduce time on social media:

This is the big one! It’s also super hard because social media is such a huge part of our lives. But, if you’re willing to put in the work it can be massively beneficial to your inner peace. Here are a few ways you can do this:

• Follow list audit: get really critical of every account you follow. What are they bringing to your feed? How does it make you feel? Unfollow, mute or block anyone that doesn’t leave you with a positive or contented feeling.

• Time restricting app: Find an app where you can set limits on your social media use. Only go on social media during certain times of the day for certain amounts of time. 

• Delete apps or accounts: want to go all in? Quit cold turkey or take an extended social media break and see how you feel. You might find you don’t miss it at all! Or you might miss certain things about it but not all of it–you can use what you learn about your experience to curate your feeds to be only what you like and missed about social media when you return. 

Explore the unexpressed need jealousy is bringing up:

If you’re feeling jealous, it’s most likely because you want something someone else has. This is a totally normal feeling! When there’s something you want that you don’t have but someone else does–well it’s only natural that it makes you feel a bit less than at first. But instead of letting the thought stop there, explore it a bit. Ask yourself, what actually is it that is making me feel “less than”?

A few examples: 

• “I’m not as beautiful as they are” Maybe you want to feel “beautiful” but what does that really mean to you? Could you instead be jealous of someone (seemingly) feeling so at home in their body? How can you help yourself cultivate that feeling?

• “My life is so boring” Maybe you’re feeling a lack of variation. Happens to all of us! What can you do to add some variation to your life? Can you take a class? Try a new restaurant? Join a club? 

This is another really hard one, because it requires us to challenge those comparative thoughts. It asks us to consistently show up for ourselves and say “I’m not less than this person, this feeling is just letting me know I want something I don’t currently have.” It can be really hard to detach that from the feeling of being less than, so use it as a guide map to getting what you want. Here’s what you’re jealous of, now brainstorm how to get it! 

Compliment yourself indulgently:

A good rule of thumb: spend as much time congratulating yourself for things you’ve done well/tried as you do focusing on things that make you feel like you can’t measure up. Our thoughts form our world, so if you’re only thinking about things that make you jealous/upset you will feel that way all of the time. If you force yourself to recognize things that make you happy/proud/excited about yourself you will start to notice them more and more!  

If you're looking for more support to stop comparing yourself to others, our clinicians can help you during this tricky time. 

How to Unlink Your Self-Worth From Your Job Status

How to Unlink Your Self-Worth From Your Job Status

In the United States, we put a lot of focus on work and productivity. When we meet someone new, we often ask “So, what do you do?” right away. We define ourselves by our jobs, and so it can be damaging to our sense of self-worth when we’re not being productive.

However, in the last year, unemployment has soared due to the covid pandemic, and many people are still out of work. We often hear statistics on unemployment, but we often don’t see the reality behind those numbers. Some people are also feeling conflicted because as jobs open back up, some businesses are having a hard time hiring. After the last year, many people have decided they don’t want to work low paying service jobs where they’re treated terribly. Some people aren’t vaccinated and don’t feel safe going back to work. Some people have realized that the path they were on is no longer the right fit for them and are trying to figure out where to go next.

If you’ve been out of work for any length of time, you know that lots of feelings can come up unexpectedly about your job status. Even if you’re happy with your current situation, the expectations and judgement from other people can be exhausting. 

If you’ve spent most of your life tying your self-worth to your work, you’re certainly not alone. Here are some ideas for how to cope when you feel like your self-worth relies on your productivity or job status. 

Be nice to yourself 

This advice is true for so many things. Lots of us are hard on ourselves without really knowing or understanding why. It’s a habit that we’ve formed, and it can be hard to break. Try to talk to yourself kindly and with compassion. If you’re having a hard time with this, imagine you’re talking to your best friend. How would you talk to them about this? Would you tell them they’re worthless because they’re not working right now? Of course you wouldn’t. Channel that same compassion toward yourself. 

Ask yourself: Who profits when I feel this way? 

Insecurity makes the world go round. It’s how advertisers convince you to buy things. When you notice feelings like “I”m not good enough” or “I’m only worthy when I have regular work”, try to dig a little deeper. Where are these thoughts coming from? Are they true? What is the evidence of their truth? Is this sense of insecurity trying to nudge me toward buying something to soothe my discomfort? Reminding yourself that someone is profiting off of your distress can be a helpful way to remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with the way you feel, but you don’t have to act on it. 

Use mantras or affirmations to remind yourself you are inherently worthy 

We are reminded from a young age that our work is our identity. We talk about what we want to be when we grow up and focus on careers, instead of on our values or our emotional state. It takes a lot of work to undo that programming. When you notice those old messages coming up, you can remind yourself that they’re not true. It takes practice, so repeating affirmations or mantras to yourself on a regular basis can help counteract the feelings that you’re not good enough. What you say to yourself matters.

Cultivate interests outside of things you can get paid for

Your worth has nothing to do with the value you create monetarily. While everyone deserves to be paid for their labor, there’s also freedom in finding joy in things you don’t get paid for. Not everything has to be monetized. You can start a hobby without turning it into a side hustle. It’s okay to spend time on things that don’t add to your bank statement. 

Participate in mutual aid groups

If you ever need the reminder that we are not alone, there are tons of organizers doing the work to bring together resources to support local folks. Even if you’re not able to donate monetarily right now to mutual aid, it can be a helpful reminder that there is help out there outside of our traditional systems of charity or government aid. We have the ability to help each other. We have this idea that if you’re not in the traditional job sphere, working 9-5, then you can’t get help, but that’s not true. Local organizations do the work every day to keep people from falling through the cracks. Can you donate time to an organization? Can you drop off some food at a local food shelf? Can you share local mutual aid requests with your network? All of these things help. 

If you are not working right now, for whatever reason, know that you are still a worthy, valuable person no matter what. That will always be true, regardless of your employment status. Your worth is not defined by your productivity or the money you can make. It’s a hard lesson to learn, because we spend so much of our lives hearing the opposite is true. Be gentle and try not to judge yourself for whatever feelings come up.

If you’re looking for more support as you deal with the fallout from the pandemic, including unemployment, our clinicians can help you during this tricky time. 

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

The way that you treat yourself matters. Have you ever noticed the way that you talk to yourself? There are lots of reasons why we’re harder on ourselves than on anyone else. Some folks experienced abuse growing up that taught them not to expect any compassion. Others had caregivers who weren’t nurturing or who constantly criticized them. We hear a lot about self-love, especially in therapy spaces, but self-love isn’t always within reach for people. Starting with self-compassion can be a great way to build up your resilience and confidence. 

What is self-compassion?

Simply put, self-compassion is being nice to yourself. The idea of self-compassion is drawn from Buddhism. Being kind to yourself might sound really simplistic, but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. Many of us have a voice in our heads that chimes in when we mess up. That voice is called the Inner Critic, and it can be hard to notice it sometimes. There are times when we’re so immersed in beating ourselves up that we don’t even consider that there’s another option. However, there is always another option. Being kind, gentle, and understanding to yourself is always a choice you can make, it just takes practice to remember that that’s an option. 

Think about it: when someone has tried to motivate you by being mean to you, did that ever work? Probably not, right? It’s hard to get people to listen to you and respect you if you’re being a jerk all the time. The same is true for your brain! If you’re constantly being mean to yourself, eventually your brain will internalize the message that there is something wrong with you. You might even get to a place where you don’t want to try anything because you're sure you’ll mess it up somehow. If this is how you’re feeling, know that there is hope. Just as you learned to be unkind to yourself, you can learn how to be kind to yourself instead. It takes practice, and it won’t happen overnight, but you can begin to change your internal narrative that you’re not good enough. 

Here are some exercises you can to do cultivate more self-compassion:

Write down what your Inner Critic says

Sometimes we don’t even realize all the negative stuff our Inner Critic is saying. A great way to start to build up your self-compassion is to start to keep track of what your Inner Critic is saying. When you know what your Inner Critic is up to, you can focus on correcting those assumptions and silencing that voice in your head. Keep a note in your phone or a page in your journal where you write down what you say to yourself. Try to keep track for a few days so you can start to see patterns in your thinking. What are the common themes that you struggle with? How can you rewrite what your critic says in a more compassionate way? 

Write a letter to yourself

Writing can help us get in touch with our feelings and lessen the sense of shame we feel for our feelings. From a place of kindness and compassion, write yourself a letter. If it helps, imagine you’re writing to a younger version of yourself. What would you want them to know? Are there things you’re ashamed of or that you judge yourself for? Try to get it all out on the page. Sometimes the physical act of writing can help us begin to process our feelings and identify patterns in our thinking. 

Pretend you’re talking to your BFF

If you talked to your best friend the way you talk to yourself, they probably wouldn’t be your friend anymore. So why do you talk to yourself like that? Try to approach yourself with the same sense of compassion and gentleness that you would use with your friends. You deserve to be treated with respect, even from yourself. 

Forgive yourself

Is there something that you need to forgive yourself for? Holding on to this feeling of guilt and shame will only make you feel worse over time. Take a look at what is bringing those feelings up for you. Remind yourself that you were doing the best you could at the time. If there are things that you could have done differently, acknowledge that and remind yourself that you’re capable of changing. It might help to write this down in a journal so you can revisit it when that old shame pops it’s head up again. You are worthy of your own forgiveness. 

Remind yourself that perfection doesn’t exist

Perfectionism can distort our thinking. The idea that we have to do everything perfectly or not at all is destructive. You don’t have to be perfect, and that’s not a reasonable expectation to have of yourself. If your caregivers in the past demanded perfection, remind yourself that that’s not the only way. Holding yourself to impossible standards is a recipe for resentment, burnout, and shame. You are good enough just as you are right now. 

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches us to connect with the present moment. When you’re in the middle of a self-shame spiral, it can be a game-changer to gently remind yourself to slow down, take some deep breaths, and focus on the present. Notice your thoughts without judging them. A mindfulness practice is a great way to practice not judging yourself. If you start to slip into judgment mode, gently let those thoughts pass. Remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. 

Do things that bring you joy

You deserve to feel joy, and sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Make time (as in, put it on your schedule) for doing things that bring you joy. Feeling joy + motivation can let you see yourself in a whole new light. Also, doing things you enjoy can be confidence-boosting - with practice you’ll eventually improve, and being good at something can be a powerful feeling. Even just the act of trying new things can make you feel happy, no matter what your skill level is. 

Being kind to yourself sounds simplistic, but it can be really tricky to break the habit of being mean to yourself. Cultivating self-compassion is something that takes time and effort. If you’re looking for guidance and support as you work on your self-compassion, a therapist can help you on this journey.

Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!