Balancing Self and Community Care

We know that self care is important. 

With so much conversation surrounding burnout in the last few years, we’re maybe more aware than ever how essential self care is! 

Unfortunately, the root of burnout often can’t be addressed on the individual level. By nature, burnout isn’t just feeling tired, it’s a complete depletion of your mental, physical and emotional energy, often as a result of being overworked, underpaid and burdened with responsibilities beyond what you can reasonably manage on your own. This isn’t something that just resting more can fix. While it certainly doesn’t hurt, it’s important to remember that it’s not personal failure when you can’t self-care your way out of burnout. 

So if individual changes can’t fix burnout why bother?

Reading that may have felt disheartening. It can make it feel like it’s pointless to put real effort into taking care of yourself–if there’s a larger system burning you out, why bother putting your energy toward trying to counter it when it’s not your lifestyle causing the problem? 

In one sense, it’s not fair to have to do extra work to counteract the effects of an unruly system. It’s reflective of healthism–turning systemic or collective issues into problems for the individual to solve. It’s a common predicament that doesn’t just apply to mental health. Think back to the controversy following the banning of plastic straws in certain states–while fossil fuels and corporate giants are the ones causing the most damage to the environment, the burden of the “solution” was put onto the individual consumer, when it turns out straws are actually a very small part of the problem. 

Because we live in such an individualistic culture, it can be hard to find the line between “this problem is caused by something bigger than me, so it’s not my problem” and “it’s my job to sacrifice my own well being for the good of my community.” We often think it has to be one or the other, but in reality it’s a blend! Caring for ourselves requires a healthy community, and we can’t have a healthy community when it’s completely neglected due to lack of a sense of collective responsibility. 

How do we find balance between individual responsibility and collective care?

Take the environmental example. Yes, large corporations, billionaires, fossil fuels, and agriculture are the largest contributors to climate change. No, recycling or reducing individual waste won’t tip the scales or undo the damage caused by all those entities larger than you. Does that mean you have no responsibility to your environment or community? But if everyone takes that stance, the damage will only get worse and worse. And the mindset of “it’s someone else’s problem” gets culturally stronger every time we decide not to think of our community when we act. No, it won’t reverse climate change to clear the garbage off of your yard, but it will help make your neighborhood a nice place to walk around and spend time, which can in turn increase your sense of community and belonging, improving your mental health (and probably your physical health–you’ll want to be out and active more if it’s a nice place to be!)

Taking time to identify your values can help you find the balance between caring for yourself and caring for your community. What is important to you? 

For example, maybe body positivity is something that you’re passionate about. While cultivating practices for yourself such as gentle, joyful movement, intimate touch, prioritizing filling and delicious meals, etc. are all wonderful expressions of self care, you can also find ways to cultivate community care for the same thing. Maybe there are local groups you can help coordinate plus size clothing swaps for so plus size members in your community can get fresh additions to their wardrobe without financial burden. Or maybe there’s an organization like Food Not Bombs you can volunteer for to help others achieve food security–a key component for a good relationship with one’s body. 

Caring for your community is caring for yourself. 

None of us can survive on self care alone. It’s just not possible! You didn’t bring yourself into this world, and just about everything since then has required the help of others. No matter how self-sufficient you are, there will be times when you will need the support of others. 

If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, and balance self & community care, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

5 Practices for When You Feel Off and Don't Know Why

Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just feeling off and you don’t know why?

Maybe you feel a bit tired, even if you got enough rest. Maybe you’ve got no appetite, even though you have a fridge full of food you enjoy eating. Maybe you just feel a bit down and aren’t sure why. 

When we’re not feeling good, the best thing to do is to tend to whatever it is that’s causing it. But when we don’t know why we’re feeling off, it can be hard to figure out what self care practices would be helpful, and which would be nice but ultimately ineffective in helping you address the problem. 

While much of self care relies on regular habits–refilling your prescriptions, taking your medication, feeding yourself with food that nourishes your body and soul, making intentional space for relationships, finding joyful and gentle ways to move your body, taking dedicated time outside of your comfort zone, etc–we can still do as needed self care in addition to all of these wonderful habits when we need a little extra care and intention. 

So what can we do when we’re feeling off and don’t know why?

1). Try a body scan 

It might seem silly, but there may be tension, pain or discomfort that you’re not noticing in your body, but that could be impacting you all the same. Something like a headache, if it’s mostly affecting your eyes you may just think you feel tired. Taking time to breathe deeply and go over each part of your body slowly to check in with how it feels can help bring your attention to things you may have been overlooking. This is also a good self-check in practice to incorporate into your regular routine! Try starting or ending your day with one. 

2). Get water and a snack and check in with yourself in 15 minutes 

Being hungry or dehydrated can impact your energy levels, your ability to focus, it can give you head or stomach pains, leave you feeling achy all over, worsen your mood and more. When you can’t figure out why you’re feeling “off” get yourself a big glass of water and a filling snack, like peanut butter toast or a protein bar. Then check in with yourself in ten or fifteen minutes to see how you’re feeling. It may just be that your attention wasn’t present in your body and you weren’t noticing your hunger or thirst cues. 

3). Release what’s on your mind

If there’s something nagging at the back of your mind, it could be throwing you off. Even if you think it’s not a big deal, pushing away our feelings never makes them go away. It’s possible that neglected emotional discomfort could be yelling for your attention through physical discomfort. Take a few minutes to write a stream of consciousness in a journal, or call a friend you can vent to, in order to release those feelings. Choosing someone you trust to talk to about it can also help you gain perspective on whatever you’re experiencing, but even just voicing the feelings out loud helps to relieve how all consuming they can feel. 

4). Try to sit with the feeling

Instead of brushing it off as an “off day” after you’ve given other self care a try, really take time trying to sit with that feeling to find where it’s coming from. Are you unhappy? Are you resentful? Are you bored? Maybe that off feeling isn’t so much about something happening right now, but a more general discontentedness with some area of your life. Ask yourself, what parts of the day do you feel this “off” feeling the most strongly? Is there anyone who helps to ease it? Anyone to exacerbates it? Are there parts of your daily routine where you can’t seem to focus on anything but that “off” feeling? You may need a change in your life. Getting curious about when and how you feel that “off” feeling can help lead you to areas of your life that maybe need more intention from you. Perhaps the communication in your relationship hasn’t been as intimate or connected as you would like, and that’s leaving you feeling off centered, even if nothing is technically “wrong.” For this sort of exercise, remind yourself there is no right or wrong way to feel. If you’re not feeling content with something, that doesn’t mean you’re greedy or ungrateful, it just means you’re ready to find something that will work better with you. 

5). Take the day off from your regular responsibilities 

A sick day or a mental health day, or just a day where you turn your phone off and don’t look at any notifications that pop up. Clear your day for rest and rejuvenation. When you’re not bogged down by responsibilities, where are you naturally drawn? Maybe you sincerely do want to do some mindful chores, to take care of your space as a way to thank it for taking care of you. Maybe you want to focus on your physical wellbeing and have a nice long shower, go for a walk, do some stretching, and cook a big nourishing meal. Instead of trying to solve the problem of what’s “wrong”, give yourself permission to follow what calls to you–you may be unknowingly meeting some of those neglected needs!  

If you want some extra figuring out where this feeling is coming from, working with a therapist can help you. Give our office a call today to get more information or to schedule an appointment. 

Separating Healing from Healthism

A lot of language around health focuses on should’s.

What habits we should have, what foods we should eat, how much media we should consume, how we should engage with our bodies, when we should be active and productive, how active and productive we should be, and on and on and on. 

But why? And, maybe more importantly, what if in centering our health and all of those “shoulds” we were actually getting in the way of really caring for ourselves?

What is healthism?

Healthism, essentially, is the cultural idea that being healthy is the most important thing; that healthy is equivalent to good, hardworking, educated, and valuable, while unhealthy means bad, lazy, stupid, and expendable.

Healthism was an idea introduced to popularity by an economist, Robert Crawford, in the 1980s, in an essay published under the title “Healthism and the Medicalization of Everyday Life.” The essay was written in response to a cultural rise in self care movements in the seventies, but is still relevant in this new wave of individualist and commercialized self care. An excerpt from it reads: 

“…healthism situates the problem of health and disease at the level of the individual. Solutions are formulated at that level as well. To the extent that healthism shapes popular beliefs, we will continue to have a non-political, and therefore, ultimately ineffective conception and strategy of health promotion. Further, by elevating health to a super value, a metaphor for all that is good in life, healthism reinforces the privatization of the struggle for generalized well-being.”

Basically, healthism asks: if you’re sick or unwell, what did you do wrong? And the follow up: if you can’t make good or healthy choices, why should you get care?

What healthism overlooks:

There is a lot left ignored in this understanding of health. In fact, very little of your “health” is determined by personal habits. Your health is influenced by your genetics, your socioeconomic status, the environment you live in, your access to medical care and nutrient dense food, experiences of racism, sexism, homophobia or transphobia, medical discrimination, bias or neglect, and more. All of these things are outside an individual's control! 

We put so much importance on individual habits and choices because those are what we can control in our day to day life, but that also makes it easy for us to be blamed for our own poor health, or sold something that says will make us better, but really only exists to make someone else a profit. 

The healthism we see on an individual level (rather than a structural level, like being denied insurance for a pre-existing condition) also often focuses more on the aesthetics of health, than on health itself. One major example of this would be the health risks fat people face just by actually going to the doctor. The anti-fat bias within “health” centered spaces is so damaging, that when actually going to attend to their health, fat patients risk having their health harmed by abusive medical professionals, who often only tell them to lose weight without actually tending to their medical needs–and without acknowledging both that rapidly losing weight is dangerous to your health or that being underweight is actually more dangerous to health than being overweight. 

The other obvious thing that is overlooked by healthism is mental health. Healthism believes your health is your responsibility, but your genetics and your brain chemistry are not within your control! While yes, moving your body and nourishing yourself are good for your mental health but mental health cannot be exercised or dieted away! That prompts the question, if you are physically “healthy” but are treating depression, are you still “healthy”? Can anyone really be fully “healthy” when we step back and think about it holistically? And if we can’t, why do we place so much importance on striving for perfect health above all else?

What shifting away from healthism can do for your healing: 

This isn’t to say your health is insignificant–when you are sick or injured or unwell in any way you deserve care and medicine and support. The rejection of healthism isn’t a rejection of taking care of yourself, but shifting the motivations behind it. 

Instead of caring for yourself because you want to be healthy so you can deserve love and care and support, can you care for yourself because you are alive and deserve it? Can you shift your habits of caring for yourself so they come from a place of love and joy, rather than guilt and shame?

Removing morality from health means when your health declines, you know your worth does not. 

When you are unwell, you have value and deserve everything you have when you’re well. Rejecting the healthism mentality means recognizing this–even if the reason you are unwell is the result of a choice you made. This means caring about and for yourself isn’t dependent on how healthy your habits are. Instead it’s coming from a place in your mind that is asking, “okay, how can I both nourish myself and feel good in this body and life?”

Want a weird, real life example of this? Look at kinksters. In kink and alternative sex communities there is an acronym RACK, which stands for risk aware consensual kink. This means that all participants understand that there is no 100% safe way to practice kink as there is always some sort of risk, even if it’s very small. But they have made themselves aware of those risks, and decided that the benefits of what they would get out of the experience outweighs those risks, so they still enthusiastically consent. 

We can think of our choices with health in the same way–you don’t always have to choose what is healthiest if another option offers something else to you; it’s about being aware and making choices based on your own needs and desires. 

Rejecting healthism also helps to ground you back in your healing. Healthism is a tool of capitalism! You don’t need to be constantly buying things to make yourself “better”; you need to tune back into yourself to listen to what your needs are, and respond to what you’re exploring internally, not what’s being sold to you externally. Take the CEO of Whole Foods saying:

“We are all responsible for our own lives and our own health. We should take that responsibility very seriously and use our freedom to make wise lifestyle choices that will protect our health.” 

We know of course, that that’s not true! Like we discussed above, there are many factors to health, very few of which are influenced by personal choice and habits. But we can also see that he’s clearly selling something to us here. He’s saying: if you want to be healthy and live a good, long life, shop at Whole Foods! But that’s not the only way to achieve health–and for people who can’t afford to shop there, that economic strain would actually impede their health. 

Rejecting healthism takes guilt away from seeking joy, and gives you back the power to determine your purpose. Instead of feeling shame over “indulging” in things you “shouldn’t” or not putting all of your effort into achieving peak physical health, you can spend your time and energy in ways that rejuvenate you. 

How therapy challenges healthism 

Healthism says: whatever health or wellness problems you have in your life, they’re your fault. If you had made better choices, you would be better off. 

Therapy says: there are so many things that make you who you are and that impact how you are. Let’s explore them and see what motivated your choices, what needs you were meeting, and give compassion to you for taking care of yourself as best as you could. It says being unwell doesn’t always come from one thing, and it’s not your job alone to be healthy or well–relationships and support systems are a huge part of taking care of yourself, and you deserve access to them. 

Shifting away from a mindset based in healthism can be hard, but we’re here to support you. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Exploring & Expressing Anger Safely

There’s no such thing as a bad emotion. 

Yes, read it again! None of our emotions on their own are good or bad. Now, that doesn’t mean that they can’t make us feel bad (or uncomfortable) in some way, but all an emotion is really doing is giving us information. And all of that information is important–even the information we don’t like to learn. 

Our feelings basically act as response cues to the environment around us. They let us know if we’re safe, if we’re valued, if our wants and needs are being met, etc. If that sounds confusing (how can a feeling let you know if your needs are being met?) let’s look at an example. Say you’ve spent an evening laughing with your friends, feeling happy. That good feeling, while it might seem basic, is telling you information! It’s letting you know:

• You are comfortable around the people you’re with

• Your true self is safe to come out in this environment

• You’re able to participate fully in the moment, indicating you feel seen and valued

• You’re fulfilled/rejuvenated by the social connections you’ve made

That all might seem obvious at the moment, but it’s actually a lot of information for one feeling to give you! Uncomfortable emotions, though we don’t enjoy experiencing them as much, give us the same amount of information. While they can feel “bad” they’re still important to pay attention to, so we can attend to our needs. 

Let’s look at anger. 

Anger is often a secondary emotion–which means if comes as a result of another, often more vulnerable feeling. While anger is what is being expressed in that case, the feeling at the root could be hurt, shame, betrayal, etc. 

However, anger still tells us a lot of information, and isn’t an emotion to be afraid to feel or express. One function it can serve is informing you when you’re being mistreated. If someone says something cruel to you and you get upset, there may be another emotion at the root, but your anger can also be a signal that you know how you deserve to be treated, but that you are presently being mistreated. That’s not a bad thing–your anger is actually looking out for you in that scenario. It’s letting you know, hey, I know this isn’t okay and I deserve better!  

Anger becomes a problem when we are so afraid of it, we don’t give ourselves space to explore or express it. If we’re under the impression that anger is bad or scary, we’re not likely to engage with it when we feel it; instead we’re more likely to feel shame and try to shove it away. Or, if our anger has been shoved aside too long, it may bubble up and explode in a more volatile way than if we had given it the attention it needed when it first appeared. 

When we don’t treat it as something dangerous, anger can be useful to us. 

Give yourself a moment to think about why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. As yourself: 

• What happened just before I started feeling this way?

• What was it that made me feel this way?

• Am I feeling angry or is there another emotion at the root of this feeling? (Insecurity, sadness, shame, etc.) 

• Does this remind me of some way I’ve been mistreated in the past?

When you’ve given yourself a chance to explore what it is you’re feeling, communicating to others what you need or what upset you will be easier. 

But sometimes we need to let ourselves feel the anger before we’re ready to pick it apart.

That doesn’t mean lashing out or having an outburst, but there are other ways to let yourself feel and express that anger without endangering yourself or others. Giving yourself time to feel your feelings before picking them apart helps you not to overanalyze yourself. 

Sometimes we’re angry because we haven’t had enough to eat or sleep and we keeping getting held up by small inconveniences, until suddenly we’re angry! In those cases, too much introspection probably won’t be helpful. You need a snack, a nap, and a moment to release the built up frustration so that you can go about your day. Some ways you can release that anger or frustration can include: 

Music: 

Whether you play an instrument yourself, or if you just like to blast it in your room and sing along, screaming along or playing loudly can help release the tension that has built up. 

Art: 

Creating art can be both a physical release by working with your hands and other materials (like painting), a way to be destructive while also creative (like collaging) and even a physical stress relief (using clay with your hands, etc.). It also allows you to express whatever it is you’re feeling without having to put words to it–there are many other ways we can communicate, and visually is one way! Using art to express anger is a great way to explore it, release it and communicate it. 

Moving your body: 

Any way you like! It could be dancing, going for a run or hike, or anything that can take that anger and use it as physical exertion so it feels like you’re expelling it out of your body. Exercising also helps to release those feel good chemicals in our brain as well, so you can literally help improve your mood by moving your body. 

Journaling: 

You don’t have to express everything perfectly in your journal, or even know what you want to write about–it’s a space all for you. You can let yourself vent when you’re mad to get it out, and later, when you’re feeling calm and settled, you can look at what was upsetting you to see if there’s anything within your control that you can do about it. 

Remember:  Anger is just a feeling, feeling it isn’t good or bad. 

Give yourself time and space to release those feelings and explore what they’re telling you before trying to communicate that with others. And while anger can be useful, communicating in anger is not, so using one of these ways to find expression or release first,  before communicating to others about what you need can help you stay grounded and focused on your own needs, 

Working with a therapist can help you understand what your anger is telling you and find healthy ways to express it. Contact our office today to get started.

3 Tips for Cultivating A More Positive Relationship With Yourself

When you think of cultivating positive relationships in your life, do you think about the relationship you have with yourself? 

The word relationship calls to mind our connections with others–with romantic partners, with friends, family members, coworkers, neighbors, etc. But you have a relationship with yourself as well–and it’s the longest relationship you’re ever going to have! That alone makes it worth it to spend intentional time reflecting on your relationship habits and where you want your relationship with yourself to go.

We’re pretty familiar with the idea of self care at this point, but an under-discussed component of self care is the ongoing attention your relationship to yourself requires. But our relationship to ourselves touches just about every part of our lives, like: 

• The way we talk to ourselves daily  

• The way we’re able to connect with others 

• The opportunities or healthy risks we take or miss out on 

• The way we take care of ourselves on a regular basis  

• The way we’re able to handle setbacks  

And while being intentional with our self care habits is a good start when it comes to tending to our self-relationship, there’s more to it than that! 

We develop our relationship with ourselves much the same way we develop all early relationships: through watching, observing and learning from the examples given to us by our caregivers. Our self-relationship is influenced both by how we see our caregivers and close peers speak to and about themselves, as well as the way we are treated within the relationships with our caregivers. 

When we’re young, we develop what is called an attachment style. There are four main types: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, and secure attachment. Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachments are all what are considered insecure attachment styles. A secure attachment is when someone feels secure in their ability to express what they are feeling openly, to foster emotional intimacy, etc. Those who developed secure attachments are more likely to also then be able to cultivate a positive relationship with themselves as well as others, because the building blocks are already there. 

What does that mean if you grew up in an environment where there was no emotional safety or closeness? Where you didn’t learn that it was okay to openly express yourself or your needs or address conflict? Does that mean you’re doomed to a negative relationship with yourself forever?

Not at all! 

We always have the ability to improve our relationships, especially when it comes to the one we have with ourselves. It just takes some time, intention, and care. 

Here are some tips on how to begin to adjust or cultivate a more positive relationship with yourself: 

Tip 1: Remember you don’t need to earn basic needs

You need to nourish yourself, hydrate yourself, move your body a little, and get enough rest no matter how you feel about yourself. These things aren’t related to whether you’re productive enough, or nice enough, or liked by enough people, etc. Your body can’t function without food, water, and rest! It’s best to incorporate some sort of gentle movement as well (tips for developing a caring relationship to your body even if you don’t feel love for it here), for both your mental and physical health–but this can be something as simple as putting your favorite song on and dancing around your bedroom for four minutes or taking a leisurely stroll around your neighborhood. 

Getting in the habit of meeting these basic needs, even if you don’t feel you “deserve” them, will help to improve both your physical and mental health. When we’re properly nourished we’re less easily ruled by intense emotions, we’re able to tolerate a bit more distress (small things don’t set us off) and our ability to be compassionate for others and ourselves increases when our bodies are properly taken care of. 

Tip 2: Redirect negative self talk

Negative self talk is a difficult habit to break. Ideally, it would be wonderful if you only ever thought lovely things about yourself–but that’s also a lot of pressure to put on yourself. We all get in bad moods sometimes, and sometimes our minds put thoughts out before we’re able to realize it’s not actually what we truly believe! So, while working on the practice of reducing negative self talk, it can be helpful to learn to stop and redirect negative thoughts as they happen. 

For example: Let’s say you make a mistake on something at work, and your first thought is “I am so stupid, I’m going to get fired any day, everyone here hates me.” While your brain might jump there first, if you take a moment to investigate the thought, you will find there isn’t actually any evidence to back it up. People make mistakes all of the time, so anyone can experience that at work. One mistake doesn’t put you on the chopping block, and there’s no evidence that anyone hates you! So what can you do? Take that real “evidence” and redirect that thought to something more positive, or even neutral. It goes from “I am so stupid” to “I know what I need to fix, so I can take care of this and move on.” 

Tip 3: Don’t forget your inner child

A great way to cultivate a positive relationship with yourself is to start with your inner child! If you are carrying wounds from your childhood, they can be influencing the way you view yourself, connect to others, etc. Taking time to connect with the needs, wants, and joys of your inner child is a wonderful way to be intentional about both getting to know yourself, and tending to your inner self-relationship. 

If you’re looking for more support as you develop a more positive relationship with yourself, a therapist can help suggest skills that fit your needs. Contact us today!

Spending Time with Your Inner Child this Autumn

What’s your inner child?

Your inner child is all of the younger versions of yourself that still live inside of your mind. Imagine yourself like a tree–as the tree grows, it creates rings on the inside of it, marking how many growth cycles it’s been through. Your inner child is like that, the rings of your growth. You don’t abandon each version of yourself as you get older, you simply build upon it. 

Their hopes, their needs, their dreams, their fears, and their wounds all live within you, making you responsible for them. We call this sort of responsibility the reparenting of your inner child because it allows for you, now grown, to provide the care and support your younger self needed to that younger version of you inside of yourself. You are parent and child at once. 

Why is connecting to them important?

Taking time to connect with your inner child allows you to tap into those needs and fears and wounds. Wounds left untended from our childhood don’t just go away, they seep into our adult lives & relationships. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re trying to tend to those wounds through our behaviors! That’s why taking intentional time to get to know your inner child, and explore where they might be hurting is so important. 

What does it mean to care for your inner child?

Taking time to care for your inner child is about taking intentional time with yourself. Notice your emotional reactions to things, and make an effort to investigate where those instincts come from. Often at the root of an emotional reaction is a childhood wound–one we may or may not be aware of. And remember as you take this time: what you find may seem insignificant to an adult but can be a major moment for a child. When we’re children, experiences are all new. That means we’re not able to apply the logic of context to a situation, and may draw the wrong conclusions. Be kind to your inner child and remember that their feelings are real and huge to them. It’s not your job to logic those feelings away, but to offer a safe space to name them, sit with them, and explore what those feelings say about your emotional needs. 

Use the changing of the seasons as an excuse to make plans with your inner child. 

As the weather cools, it’s finally starting to feel like autumn! There are many ways you can connect to your inner child throughout the year, but why not have a little seasonal fun with it? Here are just a few ideas on how you can use the changing of the seasons as an opportunity to connect with your inner child: 

Visit a corn maze: 

This is both a fun group activity (get all your friend’s inner children to come along to!) or an opportunity for some one on one, mindful time with your inner child. Walk through the maze as they would, what choices would they make? How would they have fun? Indulge their playful spirit! 

Pick out & decorate pumpkins:

Getting creative with your inner child is a great way to allow them to express themselves, and seasonal decorating is just one way to do it! You can let them get their hands messy and carve a pumpkin, or you could keep it whole and have some fun painting it. Let your inner child guide the creative process, and see what they come up with! 

Make your own Halloween costume: 

Just one more creative way to connect to your inner child’s playfulness and creativity. Who would your inner child want to be for Halloween? Did they have a hero or a favorite character? How would they like to dress up as them? Would they have fun piecing the costume together, DIY style? 

Go apple picking: 

Spending time in nature is great both for you and your inner child! Go for an autumn hike or go to an apple orchard to spend an afternoon walking around, smelling the crisp air, stepping on crunchy leaves, and picking delicious apples to bring home with you. Maybe you and your inner child can bake them into an apple pie for a sweet treat later! 

If you’re looking to go deeper into your inner child work, our therapists can help support you. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness

3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness 

Did you know that you have way more than 5 senses? 

When we were little, most of us learned that we had five senses - sight, taste, hearing, smell, and touch. In fact, there are many more ways that our bodies pick up on information in the world around us and make sense of what’s going on. 

Some of the less commonly understood senses are proprioception (sensing where your body parts are in space), thermoception (sensing temperature), nociception (sensing pain), equilibrioception (sensing balance), and interoception (sensing what’s happening in your body). Interoception, in particular, can play a role in decoding the emotional messages we’re getting from our bodies.

What is interoception? 

Interoception is being in touch with what’s going on in your body. It’s a mind-body connection that lets us tune in to the messages that our bodies send us. When we have experiences, our bodies are often heavily involved, but many of us don’t have a lot of practice translating what they have to say. Decoding the interoceptive signals that our bodies send us is something that comes with practice and patience. 

Interoception allows us to feel things like: 

• Hunger 

• Thirst

• Urge to use the bathroom

• Emotions

• Tired

• Itchiness

• Heart rate

• Muscle tension

• Body temperature 

Many of us are more disconnected from our bodies than we realize.

It’s a cultural norm, for example, to learn to ignore body cues about hunger and fullness in order to meet beauty expectations. It’s such a struggle to learn how to tune in to the messages your body gives you about its hunger needs that there’s a whole framework called intuitive eating that teaches people how to re-learn those signals. 

Some people are disconnected from their bodies for painful reasons. Folks who live with chronic pain may not be able to handle being fully present in their body when it is in pain, so may feel easier to ignore those body messages. Survivors of trauma may not feel safe in their bodies and so may not know if they can trust the messages they’re receiving. 

We all have a level of interoceptive awareness, or the ability to understand the messages we get from our bodies. Some people have lower levels of awareness of their internal body sensations, or lower interoceptive awareness. The messages our bodies send us can be tricky to understand if you’re not sure what to look for, but it’s possible to increase your level of interoceptive awareness. 

Why interoceptive awareness is helpful for mental health

It would be helpful if our bodies and our brains spoke the same language, but they often don’t. The messages our bodies send us come in what are known as interoceptive signals, and they can be easy to miss if you don’t know what you’re looking for. These interoceptive signals help us identify our emotions, which is an important step in emotional regulation.

For example, let’s say you’re frustrated about something. You might have a sense of unease that you’re picking up on, but you’re not sure where it’s coming from. It could be mistaken for fear or anger. There might be subtle signals that set it apart from the other emotions, but if you don’t pick up on them, it might take you longer to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Some signs to look out for that distinguish your feeling of frustration could be:

• The level of tension in your muscles (are your muscles tense, like you’re ready to run or strike? Or are you feeling more relaxed?)

• How fast your heart rate is (often your heart rate will speed up when you’re afraid or angry)

• Feeling hungry or thirsty (if you’re afraid, often your sense of hunger will disappear as fight or flight kicks in)

• Feeling tightness somewhere in your body (some people experience frustration as a tightness in their chest or throat)

It can feel like a full time job just trying to ride the waves of your changing emotions sometimes, but emotional regulation is even harder when we can’t name the emotions we’re feeling.  It’s hard to regulate something you can’t name, because you don’t know what to look for. When you are able to read the messages from your body, though, it becomes easier to regulate what you’re feeling. 

How to strengthen your sense of interoception

It takes practice to learn how to engage the sense of interoception. Interoceptive awareness builds with time, so the more you can be curious about what’s going on in your body, the better. Here are 3 other ways to strengthen your sense of interoception. 

Practice mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness is often one of our suggestions, because it really makes a difference. Learning how to focus your attention on the present moment is an important skill that is a foundation for mental wellness. 

Instead of letting your thoughts or feelings carry you away, practicing mindfulness teaches you how to notice and name what you experience. It also helps you learn how to let go of judgments you have of yourself. We tend to judge ourselves a lot more than we’d ever judge anyone else. That sense of judgment can make it hard to fully express yourself, even to yourself. 

To build up your sense of body awareness, try a body scan meditation or a grounding exercise that focuses on the senses. These will help you get in the habit of checking in with your body as you check in with your mind. 

Connect body signals with emotions

Sadly, many of us don’t learn how to notice and name our emotions until they’re causing us distress. We can feel a wide range of emotions as humans, and sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint which one you’re experiencing. It may be easier for you to identify your emotions if you’re able to connect the signals of your body with the emotions you feel. This not only helps you tune into the signals from your body, but it helps you understand how you personally experience each emotion, which will make it easier to identify in the future. 

It may be helpful to consult an emotion wheel to pinpoint which emotion you’re feeling. This is a fantastic one because it links emotions and sensations, so if you’re not sure what you’re feeling, you can explore the sensations you’re experiencing and try to determine your emotions from that angle instead.

Practice body curiosity

Occupational Therapist and interoception expert Kelly Mahler recommends practicing body curiosity to build your interoceptive awareness. Body curiosity is what it sounds like - practicing being curious about your body. The key with body curiosity is to remove judgment from the equation. There’s nothing your body is doing that is bad or wrong, it’s all just information. When you can remove the layer of judgment, it’s easier to be honest with yourself and understand what is really going on. This is especially helpful to teach to young ones as they grow so it’s a habit for them to check in with their bodies without judgment. 

Try keeping a body curiosity journal to get in the habit of checking in with your body. You can quickly note what your body feels like during daily activities, so you can pick out patterns and learn more about how you physically experience emotions.

There are many different ways to support your mental health, and learning more about how to listen to the messages your body is telling you is one. It builds trust between you and your body when you make an effort to be a loving parent to yourself. Working with a therapist can help you uncover more ways to support your mental health that work for you and your lifestyle. Call or email us today to get started. 

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

Self-care is such a buzzword these days that pretty much anything can be spun as self-care. Not everything you do in the name of self-care is actually good for you, though. Businesses have found that appealing to people’s need for self-care to be a very effective marketing strategy, and so the lines of what is actually self-care have become blurred. It can be hard to figure out if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

The purpose of self-care is to make you feel rejuvenated. Life isn’t only about being “productive”, but self-care in general should make you feel as though you’ve accomplished something. 

Avoidance, on the other hand, is draining. It doesn’t feel good to keep putting things off or pushing things away, because there’s always the fear that they’ll come back at any moment. 

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is a coping mechanism that people use when they’re trying not to think, feel, or do something difficult. The problem with avoidance is that it doesn’t deal with the root of the problem, it just pushes it down for another day. This can backfire, unfortunately. You may have experienced this before, where you try not to think about something and then it’s the only thing on your mind. 

Sometimes, doing something can be avoidance in one context and self-care in another. For example, if you have a deadline coming up to apply for a program, it’s probably not productive to spend all day playing video games. Those actions keep you from doing what is on your mind. On the other hand, if you’ve just finished up a big project and need to blow off some steam, playing video games can be a perfect outlet. 

Avoidance might be a way to self-sabotage, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Imagine that you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months and you have developed feelings and want to get a feel for how they are feeling.  

However, you don’t want to open yourself up to criticism or rejection by putting your actual feelings out there - what if they laugh? What if they leave? The what ifs can be immobilizing at times, which is why avoidance is such an attractive option. Instead of having to deal with being rejected, you can do the rejecting by simply refusing to do anything.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem at hand - clarifying what the relationship expectations are, it just kicks it down the road to be dealt with later. 

In the scenario above, you might start to feel resentful that you’re shouldering the emotional burden on your own instead of being able to communicate openly with your partner. That resentment might lead to you wanting to spend less time with them or even ending your connection altogether.  

If you put something off or shove it down long enough, it will find its way out. Avoidance is a coping strategy, but it’s not one that works forever. After a while, you’re going to have to deal with whatever it is one way or another. 

So, how can you tell the difference between avoidance and self-care? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to assess if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

What is the intent?

Most of the time, it comes down to the intent behind it. Avoiding behaviors often come up automatically without us having to think about it. Our brains do what they can to protect us, and they sometimes try to keep us from having to do or feel something painful. Self-care, however, is a more consciously made choice. Avoidance often feels mindless- like when you pick up your phone and then boom, suddenly 2 hours are gone and you don’t know where they went. 

Is this proactive or reactive?

Often, self-care is proactive, to help make life easier for future-you while avoidance is in reaction to something. An example of proactive self-care is making plans with your friends in advance so you make sure to have time with each other. Avoidance might look like canceling plans with a friend who you need to have a serious talk with. Is this action going to help future-you? Or is it helping you avoid something or someone? Be honest with yourself. 

What is underneath the urge to avoid? 

There’s almost always something underneath the urge to avoid something, and it’s helpful to do some digging to find out what it is. Maybe it’s fear of confrontation, or fear of rejection. Perhaps you don’t want to be criticized or pitied. Whatever it is, try to explore what is going on beneath the surface to get to the root of what’s going on. 

Is what I'm doing keeping me connected to the present moment? 

This is a great question to ask yourself to determine if you’re avoiding or caring for yourself. Avoidance is designed to distract you from what is stressing you out, so a lot of times it means checking out of the present moment. Self-care, on the other hand, brings you back to the present moment, or at least keeps you from ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

How do I feel afterward - more or less stressed? Numb or energized?

Self-care is supposed to help relieve stress, not add to it. It’s not only about taking it easy and indulging every impulse. Sometimes self-care is tedious, but it should ideally leave you feeling less stressed and more energized. 

Since avoidance is all about pushing away difficult feelings or situations, it often adds to your stress level overall. It is stressful to always feel like the other shoe is about to drop. Avoidance might even feel like numbness or fatigue, where you’re not sure what you’re experiencing. If you tend to find yourself feeling more stressed after engaging in self-care, there may be some avoidance going on.

The tricky part of this is that everyone’s self-care needs are different, and they change all the time.

You’re the expert of your body and your experience, so you might have an idea of what works for you. If you’re looking for more support as you develop your own self-care practice, working with a therapist can help. Get in touch today to get started with one of our expert counselors. 

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

We all go through seasons in life, and some are harder than others. When times are tough, it can feel like it’s impossible to make yourself feel better. Understanding how our nervous systems respond in tough times can help us come up with better ways to soothe ourselves when we feel distressed. 

It’s no secret that times are tough right now. Not only are we still dealing with the pandemic and its aftermath, we’re also dealing with war in Europe, rising inflation, climate disaster, and the biggest ideological divide in the US in history. In short: it’s tough out there. 

Even with all of this going on, most of us are still holding ourselves to pre-pandemic standards  of productivity, which is leading to burnout, resentment, and stress. This constant stress and fear can lead to our nervous systems being overwhelmed, leaving us feeling distressed and out of control. 

Why does my nervous system get activated when times are tough? 

You may have heard of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is activated when we’re in hyperarousal - it controls the fight or flight response. Where the sympathetic nervous system brings you out of your window of tolerance, the parasympathetic nervous system brings you back down and helps you feel calm. 

When we feel threatened, our bodies take that seriously. This can happen even if you’re not consciously aware that you feel threatened. Whether you’re on board or not, our bodies look for ways to keep us safe at all costs. This can lead to several responses you may be familiar with: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

Humans are animals, and as such we have animal-like instincts that take over when we sense danger. 

Fight or flight is when you either prepare to run away from danger or toward the danger to engage. These reactions take you above your window of tolerance, into hyperarousal. 

On the other hand, when feeling threatened leaves you feeling numb and disconnected, you experience the freeze response. Similarly, a fawn response happens when you try to please someone else to avoid conflict. These responses take you below your window of tolerance, into hypoarousal. 

Ideally, we stay within our windows of tolerance because that is the state of mind where we’re most likely to make good decisions and meet our own needs. Going above or below can feel distressing, so the goal is to get back to that window of tolerance. 

What’s wrong with how I cope now? 

The ways we cope aren’t always supportive of who we are now and the goals we have. We learn coping skills when we’re young, and what we need to cope and feel safe as youngsters is often not the same as when we grow up. Running away or fighting aren’t how we tend to solve problems as adults. It’s hard to get things done if you’re stuck in a freeze response, and the lengths you often have to go to avoid conflict when fawning are exhausting. 

Even if a coping mechanism you use seems like it’s a problem now, remember that you developed it to keep yourself safe. It’s okay if it no longer serves you, but try your best not to judge yourself for doing what you needed to in the past to cope. Just as you learned to cope before, you can develop new coping skills that actually help you instead of causing distress. 

How can I soothe my nervous system in tough times?

Here are 5 things to try, see how they work for you: 

Move your body

Many times, bringing your focus back to your body can help connect your physical experiences with what’s going on in your head, and can help you feel less out of control. Moving your body is also a great way to shake off the excess energy that comes up when our nervous systems are activated. If you’re feeling numb or disconnected from your body due to hypoarousal, movement can help get you back in touch with your physical self. 

Sometimes intense movement can feel good when your nervous system is activated, but it doesn’t have to be difficult exercise to have a benefit. Anything that gets you moving around - dancing, cleaning, gardening, etc. - can help you feel better in moments of distress. 

Hum or sing

Did you know that humming or singing can help soothe your nervous system when it’s activated? Both humming and singing can stimulate the vagus nerve, which is basically the connection between your brain and your body. It helps control things like your heart rate and digestion. When this nerve is stimulated, it activates your parasympathetic nervous system and can bring you back into your window of tolerance. 

Since this nerve runs from your brainstem to your colon, right through your throat and past your larynx (voice box), it can be stimulated by your voice. When you feel like you need to soothe your nervous system back to your baseline, try singing or humming for a few minutes.

Play with temperature 

Using temperature to soothe your nervous system can also be helpful. Whether you feel your system is hyper or hypoactive, focusing on the temperature of something can help distract you back into the present moment where you can realize you’re safe. 

Try holding onto an ice cube in each hand or even taking a cold shower. Some people also find dunking their head into cold water can make a big difference in lowering distress. It might sound strange, but it gives you something else to focus on while your nervous system calms down enough to relieve your distress. 

Lengthen your breath

When we feel stressed, often our breathing rate picks up and becomes more shallow. It takes mindful effort to take deep full breaths when this happens, but it can make a huge difference in how you feel. 

Sometimes our breathing rate shifts without us noticing, and focusing on taking slow, deep breaths in and out can help with calming down. Breathwork is the practice of conscious, controlled breathing. There are many different breathing patterns that can help with various goals: relaxation, meditation, sleep, focus, and more. You can try different breaths on your own, like box breathing, or follow a guided breathing session on youtube or a meditation app. 

Meditation session or guided mindfulness session

Sometimes our nervous system decides it senses danger (like when life gets tough) and it feels like it takes off without us. Before we even know what’s happening, we’re in distress. That can be such a frustrating feeling. Our systems were set up to look for danger to keep us safe, but that system doesn’t always work perfectly. 

Sometimes our system warns us of danger that isn’t there, or shuts down to protect us when there is no reason to. When this happens, focusing on the present moment can help you regain your sense of awareness. Instead of your body and brain running away without you, you can remind yourself where you are and that you’re safe. It might even feel helpful to say to yourself “I’ve got this now,” or “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Knowing you have your own back is a powerful feeling. 

Are you looking for more ways to soothe your nervous system in tough times? Working with a therapist can help you explore what’s going on in a holistic way, where we take your whole life and experience into account as we support you with your goals.

Therapy is a great opportunity to learn coping skills that you can take with you into the future, no matter what comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

5 Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

5 Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

How do you feel about yourself? 

That’s definitely a loaded question for a lot of people. We often hear of the importance of building healthy self-esteem and self-worth, but it can be harder to put into practice than you expect. 

What’s the difference between self-esteem and self-worth?

Many of us have heard the terms self-esteem and self-worth before, but it’s not always clear what the difference between them is. They’re often used interchangeably, but they actually mean different things. 

Self-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves in the moment. Self-worth, on the other hand, describes knowing that you are a person of value who has worth, no matter what your self-esteem looks like. Self-worth is a broader term and is generally more permanent than self-esteem, which can vary based on circumstance. Self-worth comes from within, whereas self-esteem comes from the world around you. 

Self-esteem is more temporary than self-worth. They don’t always relate to one another the way you expect they would. It’s possible to have high self-esteem and self-worth at the same time, but it’s also possible to have low self-esteem and high self-worth, or vice versa. Although they have some commonalities, each plays a role in the way we feel about ourselves. 

How can you have low self-esteem but high self-worth?

It might sound strange that it’s possible to have low self-esteem but high self-worth. However, since self-worth is a foundational belief that you are innately worthy, no matter what else is going on, it’s less easily influenced by external or internal factors. Self-worth is a core belief that you are worthy and have value. Even if you’re having a bad day or week, and your self-esteem has taken a hit because of your current circumstances, you still understand your worth and value as a person. 

Developing a healthy sense of self-worth can help you be more resilient in times of distress or change. When you understand that nothing can change the worth you have as a person, it can be a freeing feeling. 

It might be hard for you to believe that you have inherent value and worth, especially if you’ve been sending yourself the opposite message for a long time. 

What is it like when you have high self-worth?

People who have a high sense of self-worth are more likely to:

• Fundamentally believe that they are worthy and loveable

• Understand that they deserve love and respect

• Realize that being imperfect and making mistakes doesn’t take away from self-worth

• Treat themselves with self-compassion

• Show themselves kindness and respect

• Believe that they have the power to learn and grow

If you’re looking to improve your sense of self-worth, you might be wondering where to start. Here are 5 ways to improve your self-worth: 

Use positive affirmations

The way you talk to yourself matters. When you notice that critical voice in your head putting you down, try to overpower it with positive words toward yourself. Positive affirmations can actually help change the way your brain is wired and lead to shifts in beliefs. You can use this to your advantage and repeat affirmations about your self-worth to yourself until you’ve internalized the message. Here are a few affirmations to try: 

• I am worthy, no matter what. 

• I have value, just as I am.

• I am enough.

• I deserve to be happy.

• I am just as worthy as everyone else. 

• I am a kind and loving friend to myself.

• I am able to meet my own needs.

Understand your core values

When you know the values that are most important to you, it’s easier to make decisions and trust that the decisions you make are in alignment with what matters to you. Taking the time to get to know what values matter to you can let you get to know yourself on a deeper level. It’s easier to be nicer to yourself when you know yourself better. Even if you make decisions that don’t pan out, knowing that your choices come from your values can give you confidence that you’re on the right path. 

Advocate for yourself 

It’s hard to learn how to be your own advocate, especially when you’re struggling to feel good about yourself. It’s really powerful to stick up for yourself, though. When the opportunity arises, express your true feelings and opinions. Be your own cheerleader! Practicing this skill can help reinforce the belief that you are worthy and valuable. Treat yourself like you are valuable, and eventually you will start to believe it.

Build up your self-trust

An important part of knowing your self-worth is knowing that you can trust and rely on yourself. Give yourself opportunities to build up the trust you have with yourself. Keep the promises you make to yourself. Remind yourself that it’s okay to not be perfect and make mistakes. Remember to speak kindly to yourself when building up self-trust. You probably wouldn’t trust someone who was a jerk to you all the time, right? So don’t be a jerk to yourself, because it will be harder to trust yourself. 

Avoid comparing yourself to others

Comparison really is the thief of joy. When you spend your time trying to find ways where you’re coming up short, you don’t have as much time to focus on your own internal world. Self-worth  comes from you and how you feel about yourself, not how anyone else feels about you. If you need to compare yourself to someone, compare your current self to your younger self. Remember that everyone has their own insecurities, and it’s human to feel envy from time to time. Try to examine what’s underneath that feeling and what needs you have that aren’t being met, then brainstorm ways to meet them for yourself instead of relying on someone else to do it. 

Are you looking for more ways to improve your self-worth? Working with a therapist can help you shift negative core beliefs that you have about yourself so you can enjoy the benefits of high self-worth. Get in touch with our office today to get started.