Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

Have you ever felt like your emotions were out of control?

One of the most frustrating experiences in life is when your emotions feel out of control and you’re not sure why. It can make you feel disconnected from yourself and unsure of how to feel better. One way to understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is to understand the window of tolerance model, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. This model helps explain the different zones of functioning we all experience, and how we can work to more effectively regulate our emotions. 

Why do my emotions feel out of control? 

It can be scary or frustrating when your emotions don’t seem to match up with what’s happening in real life. This can happen for a number of reasons. Sometimes, people have a tough time regulating their emotions or connecting with them at all. It can be scary to feel intense emotions, 

Sometimes, we have an intense reaction to something and it’s not always clear why. 

It can be hard to remain grounded in the present moment when you’ve experienced trauma. Traumatic memories can be brought on by seemingly harmless triggers, and research shows that our brains don’t know the difference between something happening in the present and recalling a traumatic memory. Even if you rationally know that your trauma is not happening in the present, your brain can’t tell the difference, which can cause extraordinary distress. 

One way to help understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is through the window of tolerance model. 

We all have ranges, or windows, of what we’re able to tolerate psychologically. In some states of mind, we’re better able to cope and regulate our emotions than others. 

The window where you are able to regulate your emotions and stay grounded in the present is called your window of tolerance. In this zone, you experience a balance of hyperarousal and hypoarousal. You’re right in the sweet spot where you’re able to react rationally, regulate your emotions, and cope with what’s going on. If you’ve heard of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses, that may help you visualize what happens in the different states of arousal. 

Visualizing your window of tolerance

Imagine a thermometer. One of the old school kinds, with a mercury reservoir at the bottom. This thermometer represents  our ability to regulate our emotions.  At the top, we have hyperarousal, in the middle is your window of tolerance, and down at the bottom is hypoarousal. 

What does it feel like outside my window of tolerance?

Hyperarousal is a state where anxiety, racing thoughts, panic, or hypervigilance have taken over. Hyperarousal is also known as the fight or flight response, where our nervous systems give us a boost of energy to flee or fight in the face of a threat. It used to come in really handy when we were hunter-gatherers, but in modern times it can cause a lot of distress. 

Hypoarousal, on the other hand, is a state of numbness, dissociation, and disconnection. You may know it as the “freeze” response, which causes you to surrender or shut down. This response is also automatic, from our nervous system when we face a threat of some kind. When you’re in this state, you might feel numb, zoned out, or depressed. You might experience dissociation or feel like you’re not present in your own body. 

What does it feel like in my window of tolerance? 

The middle section is the window of tolerance - the state where we’re better able to cope. When we’re in our window of tolerance, it’s easier for us to process intense emotional situations. You’re more easily able to access your rational side, which can help with emotional processing and decision making. When you’re in your window of tolerance, you feel calm, alert, relaxed and capable of handling what comes your way. You feel more capable of engaging with others socially or making decisions. You feel at ease instead of on edge, and energized instead of drained. 

Moving toward your window of tolerance

Once you recognize that you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you can start taking steps to move toward that more regulated state of mind. If you’re hypoaroused, there are things you can do to increase your state of arousal so you move away from the feelings of numbness and toward feeling like yourself again. The same is true if you’re hyperaroused - there are coping skills you can use to decrease your level of arousal so you feel less panicked and out of control. 

Learning how to regulate your emotions can take practice. Working with a therapist can help you take a look at your emotional responses and figure out new ways to cope that better support you and your mental health. Get in touch with our office today to get started working with an expert therapist. 

How to Make the Most of Your Time Between Sessions

Therapy can be a powerfully transformative process and an integral part of our support system, but going to therapy isn’t where the work starts and ends. In session, you’re able to do deep emotional work and get tools to help support you while you’re out of session, but that out of session work is just as important as what you do while you’re there with your therapist! 

It’s in that time outside of your usual session that you get to see how you’re able to apply the tools you’re developing with your therapist, how well you’re able to navigate obstacles, and how your progress looks out in your daily life! 

So how can you make the most out of the time between your therapy sessions?

Well first, remember it will be different for everyone. What helps you and your healing might not help someone else. And, what helps you one day may not be helpful the next. It’s important to not just get in a routine so you’re checking things off of your “mental health to do” list, but actually engage with how you’re feeling after your session and during the time between in order to do the most impactful work! 

For example,  some sessions may be helping you connect patterns to better understand your behavior or work to prepare for big changes in your life.  After those types of sessions, you might be ready to take some risks and push your boundaries. That can be a good way to take intentional steps forward with your progress! Other sessions may be heavier than, they may feel like you slow way down and dive deep into just one thing. After those sessions, taking big steps would probably be taking on too much too soon. You need time for reflection and emotional processing, too, so there are other things you can do between those types of sessions. 

Here are a few ideas of what you can do to make the most of your time between therapy sessions: 

Journal + Reflect: 

What did you talk about in the session? How did you feel while you were talking about it? Were you uncomfortable? Did you hold anything back? Write about all of these things, write about what you chose not to talk about and why, what your therapist helped you understand, what you wish you had time to talk about, how you think you’ll see your newfound insights show up throughout the week, etc. This can be a good practice to do just after the session so you can reflect, and then keep notes on things you notice throughout the week to bring back to your next session. 

Take one small risk: 

Or take one action that supports what you and your therapist were talking about in session. Is there a conversation you’ve been dreading? Can you initiate it? Is there something new you’ve wanted to try but haven’t? Think about what’s been coming up over and over in session, and see if you can come up with a small action to support it. 

Be proud of yourself: 

Keep a running list of things you notice between sessions that you handle well, that you’re proud of yourself for, etc. What came up this week that showed you how far you’ve come? When did you wish you had more support? 

Let yourself be present: 

While self reflection is good, and doing it between sessions is important so you can continue to see the work you’ve done in therapy show up in your day to day life, you don’t want to get so caught up in your own head that you’re unable to be present. Too much self-analyzing isn’t helpful! It’s also important to just let yourself be present in your life. While your healing is important, part of that is allowing you to exist without doing any work to “earn” it. Let yourself enjoy your day and see a friend without putting every action under a microscope. 

Are you looking for more ways to support yourself both in and out of session? Working with us can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

Are you someone who likes to improve yourself?

We all like to think that we’re the best versions of ourselves. Life is full of lessons, and as humans we’re always learning and changing. What was important to you 6 years ago is probably different from what was important to you 6 months ago. Our values shift, we gain more experiences in the world, and we learn more about ourselves along the way. Change happens naturally, but there are also times when people actively seek out changes in their lives in a self-development practice.

Life would be pretty boring if everything stayed the same forever. Wanting to work on self-development or improve yourself doesn’t mean that you’re not happy with where your life is right now. Sometimes that’s the case for people, but often people decide to work on themselves because they love and value who they are and want the best for themselves. 

When going down the road of self-development, it can be tempting to compare yourself to everyone else.

There’s always going to be someone who seems like they’re doing everything better than you - work, family, friends, romance, hobbies. Remember that what you’re seeing is the highlight reel. Most people hide the tricky parts of life on social media, so everything looks super easy and simple. Real life is complicated, and it’s okay. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else, even when you’re working on self-development. 

To help you avoid the comparison trap, try to keep in mind why you’re working on self-development. What is your goal? Working on yourself can help you:

• Learn new things

• Have new experiences

• Meet new people

• Live out your values

• Break bad habits

• Change the way you relate to people

• Work on regulating your emotions

Wanting to improve doesn’t mean you didn’t like who you were before. It can mean that you want to give yourself new experiences, you believe in your abilities, or even that someone inspired you to do things differently. Whatever your reasons, There are some simple steps you can take to start a self-development practice. 

Here are 5 suggestions for how you can start a self-development practice for yourself: 

Read as much as you can

Making time for reading can be a tall order these days, but reading is a major way to learn new things. With reading, you can experience different points of view, explore new concepts, and give your brain something to do besides endless scrolling. Whether you like to read books, magazines, newspapers, ereaders, articles, or something else, there’s something out there for you. When you spend more time reading, you also have less time to spend on things like social media or a Netflix binge. 

Be accountable for harm you cause

We all cause harm. We all make mistakes. That’s a part of life! We don’t all learn how to be accountable for the harm we cause, though. It’s tough to admit to yourself that you hurt someone or caused harm somewhere. Pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t help anyone, though. 

When a situation comes up where you don’t react the way you want to, own up to it. Apologize if you need to. Make a plan for how you’re going to prevent it from happening again. It’s hard to do this, but it gets easier with practice. It also gets easier when you remind yourself that even when you cause harm, you are still worthy, valuable, and lovable as a person. Doing harm isn’t great, but it doesn’t negate everything else that you are either. We all cause harm at some point or another, so try to lead with compassion, even for yourself. 

Practice self-soothing

Lots of us don’t learn how to make ourselves feel better in effective ways until fairly late in life. We all have moments where we’re in distress, but in those moments it is tough to know what will actually make us feel better. Teaching yourself how to self-soothe is a skill that will pay off over and over. 

There are tons of ways to self-soothe. Some people find movement really soothing. Others like to practice grounding techniques or use DBT skills to manage distress. Therapy can help teach you different ways to cope when you’re feeling distressed which you can then take with you into your everyday life and use as needed. 

Make time for rest

We all need to rest, and we often don’t make time for it until we’re totally burned out. Sleep makes a huge difference, but sleep isn’t the only type of rest there is. Taking time where you’er truly not doing anything is just as important as getting enough sleep. When you’re not getting enough sleep, your body and brain don’t have the chance to repair themselves and process things. When you don't’ make enough time for rest, you set yourself up for burnout and stress.

Practice self reflection

Part of improving yourself is being honest with yourself when things aren’t working. If there are habits or patterns that are no longer working for you, it can be hard to admit that you need to make a change. However, remaining in denial just means that you’re going to be stuck in the same patterns. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that things aren’t exactly how you want them to be right now. This can also give you a chance to explore 

Are you looking for more ways to improve yourself? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

7 Ways to Spend Your Time for Better Mental Health

How do you normally spend your time?

How we spend our time can be a huge contributor to our health, both mental and physical. It’s important to spend our time in ways that nourish and take care of ourselves (both in our body and in our mind) as well as provide balance so we’re not just treating ourselves like machines who don’t need variation. 

One method of doing this is called the Healthy Mind Platter, and it was created by Dr. Dan Siegel. In this framework, Dr. Siegel provides seven uses of our time as different portions on a platter, similar to the food pyramid guiding us on recommended dietary nutrition. According to Dr. Siegal, these seven uses of our time are the best ways to tend to our mental health and well being. 

These seven uses of our time are: 

• Sleep time

• Physical time

• Focus time

• Time in 

• Down time

• Play Time 

• Concentrating time

Not all seven have to be part of your routine every single day, in fact humans need variation. But having a regular balance of these seven types of time in general helps to optimize your brain function and contribute to your overall well being. 

So what does each type of these seven “times” consist of? Let’s break it down! 

Sleep time: 

This one is pretty obvious. This is when you sleep! But just because it feels obvious doesn’t actually mean it’s second nature to us. Many of us don’t have proper sleep hygiene, and we don’t even realize how much that can affect our day to day lives! But our health, our mood, our cognitive abilities and our energy levels. So being mindful about when you’re going to sleep, the environment you’re sleeping in, your physical comfort while you’re sleeping, etc. are all important considerations! 

Physical time: 

Do you know what the mind body connection is? There are many links between our mental health and our physical health–so when we tend to one, we often inadvertently tend to the other. That means finding joyful ways to engage yourself physically is so crucial to mental health! And it doesn’t have to be exercise how we often think of it, anything that gets you moving and present in your body counts. That could be gardening, playing with a pet, going dancing. There are ways to find joy in moving your body without it being an emotional burden! 

Focus time: 

This is when we commit to a task that requires focus, problem solving or is goal oriented in some way. Many of us naturally have this worked into our schedules with our work, but it doesn’t have to be work! You could do a puzzle, sudoku, or even something like go to an escape room!

Time in: 

This is reflection time. Time you take for yourself to consider yourself, any problems you’re facing, your values, current actions, etc. It could be through therapy, journaling, or some other type of self expressive art, as long as the purpose is to dive in and explore what you’re thinking and feeling. 

Down time: 

Down time is another one that is just what it sounds like–time for relaxing and resting! This is when you give your mind and body a real break. This would be any sort of “mindless” hobby like watching TV you’ve seen before, painting your nails, sitting and listening to music, etc. You’re enjoying your time but you aren’t required to do anything other than give your brain a break! 

Play time: 

Yes, adults need play time too! Having time designated to being creative and playful is key for keeping our brains active and strong, even beyond childhood. This can be any sort of hobby you have where you get to be creative, silly, and are free from the expectation to be productive in any way. 

Connecting Time

Connecting time is ideally spent in person with someone else, but that isn’t the only way you can connect to others. And, as we’re living through a pandemic it’s not always possible to see everyone you want to see in person. So, make time for in person connections when you can (meeting a friend for lunch, inviting family to your house, taking a class with someone, etc.) but allow yourself to get creative about other ways to connect too. Can you write a friend a letter and become pen pals? Can you schedule a regular phone call with friends who live far away? 

Do you need help figuring out how your routine can better support your mental health? We can help! Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

6 Things to Do When You Make a Mistake

6 Things to Do When You Make a Mistake

There’s an old saying that the only things that are certain in life are death and taxes, but there are few more things we could add to that list. Making a mistake, for example, is something that everyone has to deal with, often many times. We’re human, and we’re learning as we go, and sometimes that means that things don’t always turn out the way we want them to. Mistakes are a part of life, and they can actually be a powerful teaching tool if you allow them to be. 

Part of why making a mistake is so hard is that they’re humbling. It can be hard to admit that you didn’t do something right.  For many people, the first response to hearing they made a mistake is a feeling of shame or guilt. Some people feel defensive when they realize they’ve made a mistake. Even when someone’s reaction is frustrating or not what you want it to be, try to imagine where they’re coming from. It’s painful to admit that you’re wrong. It can be embarrassing or make you question yourself. 

Remember, literally no one is perfect.

Everyone has done something that they’re not proud of or that they’d do differently if they had a chance. If you feel an intense wave of self loathing when you make mistakes, you might be dealing with some perfectionistic tendencies. While being perfect sounds fine on the surface, in reality it’s impossible, so expecting perfection is just setting yourself up for failure. Instead of setting yourself up to fail, remember that you’re human. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes. Even when that happens, you’re going to be okay. Mistakes don’t need to define you, especially when you use them as a learning opportunity. 

Mistakes are going to happen, so having a plan in place for what you’ll do when you make a mistake can help guide you through those painful moments. If you’ve made a mistake, here are 6 things you can do:

Own it

Denying what happened isn’t doing anyone any good. Nothing can be done about a situation until the situation is acknowledged, so the sooner you own up to the mistake the sooner you can make it right. Owning your mistake also allows you to take back some of your power. It can make you feel useless when you mess up, but deciding to own it can be empowering. Yes, you messed up. It’s okay for that to be true. It doesn’t make you a bad person to make a mistake. Once you realize that, it will feel easier to own up to mistakes in the future.  

Remember mistakes don't define you

As mentioned before, you aren’t a bad person when you make a mistake. We are all complicated, and seeing things in black and white is a cognitive distortion - or a pattern of thinking that isn’t true. If you find yourself feeling like making a mistake means you’re a bad person, try to notice and interrogate that assumption. Is that true? Or do you just feel bad or embarrassed? Feeling bad and being bad are two different things. Mistakes don’t define you, but the way you respond when you make a mistake is something that people will remember. Don’t get so caught up in feeling defined by your mistake that you react with defensiveness. 

Find ways to learn from it

There’s always something to learn from a mistake. Sometimes, it’s as simple as “Don’t do that again.” Mistakes teach us resilience and responsibility. They also reveal a lot about us in our response. What are you tempted to do in the wake of a mistake? Would that actually be helpful, or would that make things worse? Whenever something happens that’s a mistake, there’s a lesson to find. 

Listen to feedback from others without defensiveness

It can be hard to listen to someone explain that you hurt them or that you did something wrong. However, keep in mind that mistakes don’t make you bad. When you know that a mistake isn't something that changes your worth as a person, it will be easier to listen to feedback from others. It can be really intimidating to confront someone on a way that they hurt you or let you down. When someone has the courage to talk to you about something like that, practice active listening. Don’t listen to respond or defend yourself. Reflect on what they shared and how your actions made them feel. Listen for what they’re asking for from you. 

If you find yourself getting defensive at first, that’s pretty human. No one likes to be told that they did something wrong. However, you don’t have to stay in defensive mode when someone is giving you feedback. You can choose to move past defensiveness into listening. 

Challenge negative self-talk

It can be easy to dwell on negative thoughts like making mistakes. It can reinforce negative beliefs that you have about yourself, and it can be hard to notice when you’re talking to yourself in a negative way. When you do notice those critical, negative thoughts coming up about yourself, do what you can to challenge them. Are they true? Is it helpful to focus on them? How can you shift your inner dialogue to one that’s more compassionate toward yourself? 

Practice self-compassion

Above all, be nice to yourself. Life is already hard enough without being a jerk to yourself on top of it. If it’s too hard to be nice to yourself, pretend you’re talking to your best friend or a younger version of yourself. It’s pretty hard to be mean to someone you love and care about for something as human as making a mistake. Extend that compassion to yourself! 

Are you struggling with how to respond to a mistake? Working with a therapist can help you gain insight into why this may be difficult for you and give you suggestions for how to move forward into patterns that are more supportive in the future. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

6 Tips To Help You Feel Your Feelings

Do you have a hard time dealing with uncomfortable emotions? If you do, you’re not the only one! Uncomfortable emotions are, well, uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel good to feel uncomfortable, so it makes sense that we often go out of our way to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions. However, emotions serve an important purpose. When we avoid our feelings, we’re just opening ourselves up to more distress later. When feelings aren’t dealt with, they have a way of coming back even more intensely, and often at an inconvenient time. 

Emotions are messengers, but we usually aren’t taught how to decode the messages they are sending us. Even when you do understand what the message is underneath the emotion, it can be hard to know what to do in the moment when you’re feeling a distressing feeling. 

Emotions are important, which is why we have them. In fact, they can help us survive. For example, babies display their emotions to alert their caregivers that they need help, since they can’t take care of themselves. Emotions can help us make decisions and guide our behaviors, as well as influence the way we understand and communicate with others. 

So, how can you make it easier to feel your feelings? Here are 6 tips to help you feel your feelings: 

Identify + acknowledge what's going on

If you’re having trouble identifying what you’re feeling, try using an emotion wheel to pinpoint what you’re experiencing. We can’t feel our feelings if we don’t notice and acknowledge them, so this is an important step. As you get more practice, it will be easier to identify what emotion you’re feeling and notice it as it pops up. 

Sometimes, you might get caught up in whatever the emotion is before you realize what’s going on. When that happens, take a pause and a deep breath. Naming what you are feeling gives you more information on how to deal with the emotion moving forward. You’ll also learn how to spot patterns in your emotional responses, which can be helpful. 

Do a body scan

Where are you feeling this emotion in your body? Is there anywhere that you notice is more tense than usual? Do you feel hot or cold anywhere? Are there any sensations that you notice? Are you experiencing any pain? 

Checking in with how your body feels when you’re emotionally activated is a helpful way to get back into the present moment. When we’re in the middle of our feelings, it can be hard to be focused on what’s happening right now. Scanning your body and taking note of any sensations can help you identify where you experience emotions in your body. This can also be another way to identify your emotions when you’re having a hard time naming them. 

Validate what you're feeling

Feeling validated is powerful, even when you validate yourself. It feels good to acknowledge that what you’re feeling is okay and that there’s nothing wrong with you for having feelings. Sometimes we start judging ourselves and jumping to conclusions before taking some time to reflect and see that it actually makes sense that we feel this way. 

Another aspect to this is to give yourself lots of compassion. The world is already tough enough, you don’t need to be mean to yourself on top of it. How would you treat a friend going through what you’re going through? You’d probably be supportive, understanding, and kind. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend. You deserve compassion. 

Do what you can to reassure yourself

We all need reassurance from time to time, and especially when we’re feeling emotionally vulnerable. Do what you can to reassure yourself that things will be okay. It might even help to tell yourself something like “I’m here now, and I'm not going anywhere,” or “It won’t always feel like this.” We all need to have people on our side, and that includes being on our own side. Try to be the calm, adult voice of reason that your younger self needs to hear. 

Give yourself options

When you’re feeling emotionally activated, it can be hard to remember what can help make you feel better. It can be helpful to make a list of things that make you feel safe in advance so you have options when you're in the thick of your feelings. 

This could be as simple as keeping a note on your phone of things that soothe you in intense moments, or things that have helped you regulate your emotions in the past. You can even go as far as to make yourself an emotional distress toolbox. A toolbox could hold items like a meditation exercise, a candle or essential oil with a calming smell, fidget toys, grounding objects, or pictures of people and places that make you feel safe. When you’re feeling your feelings, take a look at the options you’ve prepared yourself ahead of time and see if that helps you as you process your emotions. 

Talk to someone

One of the hardest things about talking about your emotions is the sense of shame that they can bring up. Shame is a particularly uncomfortable feeling to deal with. Shame can result in pushing feelings away when it comes up to avoid the pain of confronting it. When you feel shame, it might feel like you can’t speak about it, because that brings up all those bad feelings and body sensations. 

However, shame thrives on keeping it to yourself. When you share your feelings of shame with others that you trust, shame loses its power. Seeing others treat you with compassion when you share what you feel ashamed about can help motivate you to be that compassionate to yourself. 

You can talk to anyone you trust and feel safe around, like a friend, a family member, a spiritual advisor, a mentor, or even a therapist.

If you’re interested in learning more ways to regulate your emotions and cope with your feelings, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

Making Big Life Decisions In Scary Times

We’ve heard the word “unprecedented” a few too many times in the last two years. But what we’re living through right now is scary and unpredictable–most of us have not lived through something like this before. So we’re all having to learn as we go, adjust to new normals every few months, and be gentle with ourselves as we learn. 

But this uncertainty makes decision making, and making big changes really, really scary! Think back to March of 2020–at first we thought covid was something we could get under control with just a few weeks of quarantine. But now, we’re in a totally different place that many of us couldn’t predict way back at the start of this. 

There has been a lot of putting things on hold during the Covid pandemic. Events like weddings or festivals have been canceled and rescheduled and postponed, and have altogether been pretty hard to plan for, because the waves of the pandemic are hard to plan for! So how can you even go about making big life decisions in scary times like this? When at the start of the pandemic it seemed like putting off things like switching jobs or trying for a baby or buying a house made sense, we’re now almost two years into it and we have to start reevaluating whether we’re really serving ourselves by continuing to put our lives on hold until “after” the pandemic. 

Give your gut a chance to talk

What’s your initial instinct when thinking about whatever decision you’re trying to make? What do you imagine first? Explore that fantasy a bit. Let your gut tell you what your dream scenario for the next phase of your life is. If you keep coming back to one thing, even if you can’t articulate why, that’s probably your intuition trying to talk to you! Your instincts are stronger than you know, give them a chance to speak before overthinking every part of your decision.  

Explore your motivations

Why do you want to make this choice? Is it truly what you want, or are you feeling pressure to do it? Is it not what you want, but it would solve a problem for you? Is there another way to solve the problem? Are you just looking for any change, and you think this will do? Take some time to sit with why you want to make the choice you want to make. Explore what that’s telling you about your current situation, and what you want in the future. 

Get a snack and sleep on it

You’d be surprised at the effect hunger and sleep deprivation can have on your mood, your emotions, your stress tolerance, your problem solving skills, etc. Sometimes when a big decision comes up and it feels like life or death, we might just be at a point where we’ve pushed ourselves too far. No one decision will “make or break” you, you don’t need to carry all of that pressure! Take stock of how you’re feeling about your choices when you’re overwhelmed, and then: get something to eat and get a little rest. Come back rested with more energy and see how you feel then. 

It doesn’t have to be right forever, it just has to be right, right now

Lots of us put so much pressure on big life decisions because we try to imagine how that choice will impact the rest of our lives. Now for some things that’s true–things like having a baby will definitely change your life drastically from now, until the end. But other things aren’t so permanent. You can change jobs, and in a couple of years you might realize that job actually isn’t for you. Just because you decided it was right for you when you took it, doesn’t mean you’re locked in forever! We change and grow all of the time, and often in ways we could never have predicted. That’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s something to nurture. You are constantly becoming a newer, truer version of yourself. If that means changing your mind somewhere down the line, that’s okay!  

Make peace with what this choice takes away

Let’s say you’re switching jobs. While on the one hand you’re entering a new environment, maybe a new field, learning new skills and meeting new people (all exciting things!)–you also do have to say goodbye to some things. Your old job, the trajectory it had for your overall career, the opportunities it may have brought you, etc. It’s okay if it’s hard to say goodbye to something that doesn’t serve you anymore. You can feel sad about what you’re leaving behind, even when you know it’s the right choice. Take time to truly consider what you will need to say goodbye to, maybe even write a letter to those things. Let them know what they meant to you, how they helped support you to get to this point where you could make a change. 

Make the choice based on where you are now, not where you wish you were:

It can be scary to make big life changes, so the idea of waiting for the “perfect” time is obviously appealing! And to most of us, the perfect time to make a big change in our lives is not in the midst of a global pandemic. But we can’t wish our way out of it, and we can’t predict when it will end. So imagining all of your decisions as post-pandemic choices just keeps you stagnant, and possibly, unhappy. When making these big decisions, don’t think to yourself, “well if there was no pandemic…” because, awful and difficult as it is, there is a pandemic. As much as we all wish we could move on and never have to think about the pandemic again, as of right now adjusting to living with it and finding a new normal is our daily life. Accept that the perfect circumstances might not come, but that you deserve to seek out the life you want even in imperfect times. 

If you’re looking for more ways to gain confidence and feel empowered by the decisions you make, our counselors can provide a safe and compassionate space for you to explore your needs and what’s getting in the way of meeting them. Get in touch today to get started! 

7 Ways to Get To Know Yourself Better

7 Ways to Get To Know Yourself Better

When was the last time you learned something new about yourself? One of the wonderful parts of being a person is that the journey to get to know yourself is never-ending. We grow and change all the time, depending on what’s going on in the world, our relationships, and how we feel about all of it. It’s not always easy to keep up with the changes, even when they’re happening to us. 

Do you have to get to know yourself? It’s not required, but understanding yourself on a deeper level can increase your overall happiness, reduce the sense of inner conflict you feel, and help you feel more empowered. The better you know yourself, the better decisions you can make. You know what your boundaries are and what your needs are. You’ll be able to resist peer pressure or comparing yourself to others, because you’re confident that the path you’re on is right for you (and if you’re not on the right path, you’ll have a map to it when you understand yourself on a deeper level). Not only will it be easier to make decisions and exercise self-control when you get to know yourself better, but you’ll also feel more understanding toward others. 

Getting to know yourself requires self-compassion. No one wants to get closer to someone who is mean to them! When you practice being kind and compassionate toward yourself, it will be easier to apply that to others as well. Understanding yourself is the gift that keeps on giving! 

If you’re looking for ways to get to know yourself better, here are 7 ideas:

Consider your values

Have you ever explicitly thought about what you value? Not just in a partner or in a job, but in your life. It’s not something we commonly think about, so it’s okay if you’ve never considered it before! Step one to understanding yourself is to understand what is important to you. What you value is a key to what is important to you, so take some time to write down a list of values that are important to you. 

Try new things 

You never know if you’ll like something until you try! One fun way to understand yourself better is to go out of your way to try new things. Try out new hobbies or activities that sound interesting to you. See if you can find any local clubs or organizations that host events. Social media is a great place to check - often many businesses make their events public so you can easily search them and see what’s going on in your area. 

Recall what you liked as a child

What did you like when you were little? What were you instinctively drawn to? Use that as a jumping off point to get to know your adult self. What has changed since you were little? Is there anything you loved then that you don’t like now, and vice versa? If you’re stuck on new things to do or try from the last suggestion, try to use your inner child for ideas. What would little you like to do? 

Take an assessment 

A psychological assessment is a fantastic way to understand your brain on a deeper level. Psychological assessments can be done for any number of reasons, including wanting to understand yourself better. You don’t have to be concerned that you have a diagnosis, although that is another great reason to get tested. Psychological assessments can measure things like intellectual ability, academic functioning, memory and learning, language, visuo-spatial functioning, executive functioning, attention and concentration, emotional functioning, and behavioral functioning, and personality. An assessment can help provide you with a plan to guide you forward in a way that works with your strengths. 

Keep a journal

Keeping a journal is helpful for mental health in so many ways. A journal is a place where you can open up, and it can be helpful for spotting patterns in your thinking and behavior. Keep a journal for a few weeks and look back over the entries - is there anything that comes up multiple times that surprises you? Follow that thread to uncover something new about yourself. 

Learn to listen when you are communicating with yourself

There are a number of reasons why it’s tough to tune into what your mind and body are telling you. You might not be familiar with the way that your body or brain speaks to you. For example, many people have a hard time understanding their body’s hunger and fullness cues after years of restriction and dieting. When you’ve spent so long trying not to notice what your body is saying, it can be really hard to tune back in. Try to keep a note or journal entry where you notice when you are communicating with yourself. Anytime you get a gut feeling, or you hear a tiny voice in your head, try to focus on it instead of pushing it away. 

Practice mindfulness

Getting to know yourself better requires honesty and zero judgment. It’s hard to discover things about yourself if you are beating yourself up for what you find. A regular mindfulness practice can be a great way to train yourself to stop judging your thoughts. Mindfulness is all about being in the present moment, not stuck in the past or worrying about the future. There are lots of ways to practice mindfulness - you can meditate, you can journal, you can walk or dance, you can make art - anything that lets you quiet your brain down so you can simply notice what’s coming up. The trick is to just notice - not to judge or hide. Mindfulness is helpful because it can be used just about anywhere - all you need is your brain. 

If you’re getting to know yourself better, you can get an assessment at Hope+Wellness. We will leave no stone unturned to look at questions you have but also questions you don’t even know you have — so that you can walk away from the evaluation with definitive answers you are seeking, along with a personalized roadmap ahead.

Learning to Reparent Your Inner Child

What is your inner child?

Have you heard the term “inner child” before? Your inner child is exactly what it sounds like: it is you, the younger version of you, still inside of your mind. Imagine that as you grow, you are not outgrowing past versions of yourself, but rather growing around them. So they are still there, inside of you. 

And that means that their dreams, their needs, their fears, are also still inside you. If your needs were neglected as a child, there is still a version of you inside of who you are today, hurting from that neglect. 

The key to healing that hurt is to tap into your inner child. Become aware of that vulnerable version of yourself, learn about their hopes and dreams and fears. And then, to heal those neglected wounds, act as both child and parent within yourself. This is called reparenting your inner child.

What does it mean to reparent your inner child?

Reparenting your inner child, as we said above, is about healing past wounds that still exist within you. When your inner child feels safe and loved and listened to, you help to rewrite your own makeup. 

If growing up you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to, then because of your inner child, there is still a part of you holding onto that fear. And that fear has likely affected your life as an adult–even though the experience was so long ago. As the adult you are now, you are able to identify what in your inner child needs healing, and then provide them with it. This is how you work as both parent and child within yourself. 

You are the child, hurting. And you are the parent, helping them heal. 

When you start building a life that makes your inner child feel safe and loved and listened to, you are able to let go of those coping mechanisms you used when you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to. In this way, inner child work helps you reach the future you want by healing your past wounds. 

How can you take care of your inner child?

So how do you start going about inner child work? Inner child work is a long process that involves you taking intentional time to get to know yourself, examine your emotional reactions to things, and really investigate where those instincts come from. Talk therapy is one of the best ways to do this, but there are things you can do on your own to get started or to continue work done in sessions. 

These things can include: 

• Journaling: try writing a journal entry from the perspective of your inner child; write a letter from yourself to your inner child; write after a high emotion incident, and try to explore where your feelings came from; write about something that happened recently that reminded you of a time when you were a child, etc. 

• Talking it out: ask your friends if they ever feel like they are back as the childlike version of themselves, see what experiences you have in common

• Giving into playful urges: there is a pressure to be serious and mature all of the time, but if your desires as a child were neglected, giving yourself the experiences you desired as a child but weren’t allowed can be incredibly healing

• Keep a log: when you notice your inner child coming out, if you don’t want to sit down and journal or talk it out every time, just make a quick note on how they’re showing up. Then, you can look back on all the times you’ve noticed and see what they have in common, what desire or need or fear they are expressing to you.

If you need more ideas for how to go about tuning into and reparenting your inner child, or have questions about how it could help,  our clinicians can help you. 

How Creativity Helps Mental Health

Why is creativity important for mental health?

Creativity in any form helps us to express our feelings. Whether that’s through writing, singing, dancing, painting, sculpting, etc., creativity gives us an outlet to be freely vulnerable and authentic. 

When we don’t give ourselves space to release our feelings, they actually can do more damage to us. Bottling things up can make us anxious, tense, even physically ill. But so many of us do it because we don’t know any other way to deal with our feelings! We don’t want to overreact to something, so we push away any emotional reaction. We don’t want to seem dramatic or weak or scared, so instead of letting ourselves explore those feelings, we just lock them up and hope they don’t bother us anymore. 

Finding a creative outlet that works for you is a wonderful, healthy way to unlock those feelings and release them without creating greater conflict in our lives. And giving ourselves the space to release those feelings gives us a chance to explore them. 

Through art, music, movement, or other forms of expression we can start to unpack and understand our feelings, and what those feelings are telling us about ourselves, our needs, and our desires. 

The benefits of creativity can include: 

1. Self discovery

2. Higher self esteem

3. Lower stress levels

4. Emotional release

What gets in the way of creativity?

It can be hard to find time for creativity. 

Work/life balance is already tricky for people to prioritize and maintain, so when we start thinking about adding more into that balance we get anxious, exhausted, and reluctant. 

It’s important to remember that giving yourself space to explore your feelings and to be creative without the expectation that goes along with our work lives (productivity, perfection, etc.) can help to recharge you and actually give you more energy.

Carrying the weight of unexplored and unexpressed feelings takes both a mental and physical toll. It makes you tired, weary, unmotivated. It can make it difficult to get through seemingly easy tasks because you are so weighed down. Learning to prioritize this type of self care can help you to show up for yourself, 100%. 

Ways you can add creativity in your life:

There are endless ways for you to add creativity to your life. Which is great! But it can also make it overwhelming to figure out where to start. And it means that some things won’t work for you. You might have to try a few different outlets to figure out what you really enjoy and what benefits you the most. 

To help you, I’ve put together this list of creative outlets you can try in your own life: 

1. Journaling

2. Writing short stories

3. Drawing

4. Painting

5. Making collages

6. Singing

7. Dancing

8. Playing and instrument

9. Photography 

10. Sewing 

11. Knitting

12. Embroidery

13. Making clothing

14. Acting 

15. Learning an instrument

16. Writing music 

17. Crafting

18. Cooking

If you need more ideas for how to add creativity into your life, or have questions about how it could help,  our counselors can help you.