8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

One of the hardest things about any relationship is communication. When you need to have a hard conversation with someone, communication can seem impossible. So many of us have experiences in the past, whether growing up or in other adult relationships, where we felt afraid to say what we were thinking or feeling. Some people have lived in situations where they couldn’t share their thoughts or feelings for fear of cruelty or abuse. Some people might be afraid of how their partner will react. Others might feel like their feelings don’t matter as much as their partners.

Whatever the reason, it makes sense that having hard conversations is hard. Luckily, there are ways to make even the hardest conversations a little easier to manage. 

Hard conversations are inevitable in most relationships, even platonic ones.

Everyone changes as they age, and people don’t always change in ways that work together. Expectations shift, and the resources people can offer to a relationship don’t always stay the same. Relationships aren’t always split 50/50. Sometimes one partner will need more support than the other, and vice versa. Over time, things may even out, but in the short term, things might feel unequal for a while. 

Having a hard conversation with your partner doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, though. Sometimes, hard conversations lead to big breakthroughs in relationships that leave you feeling closer to each other than before. No relationship is perfect, and it will be impossible to avoid having some hard conversations unless you basically avoid having conversations at all. 

Are you worried about how to approach hard conversations with your partner? Here are 8 ideas to make it easier: 

Wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged

Having a hard conversation is already, well, hard enough. Starting a serious or hard talk with your partner when you’re already emotional can make things go from bad to worse. If you’re in the middle of an argument, see what you can both do to regroup and calm down before having any serious conversations. Similarly, try to avoid serious talks in the middle of sex. Sex is emotional and vulnerable, and adding in an intense conversation in the middle of it is just seeing you up to miscommunicate. 

Talk about things as they come up

On the other hand, you don’t want to wait too long to bring things up that are bothering you. It’s beneficial to wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged to dive into a heavy discussion, but holding onto issues for too long is a recipe for resentment. It’s also never fun to hear from your partner that they’ve been secretly upset with you about something for a long time. When you feel upset or like you need to talk, find a time sooner rather than later to talk about it so you don’t feel overwhelmed with resentment. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

The most important part of communication is listening when someone communicates with you. It can be tempting, especially when we’re upset, to get distracted when someone is speaking to you because you’re thinking about how to respond. Instead of hearing what they are actually saying to you, however, you’re missing it to concentrate on what to say next. This is how miscommunication can happen. It is also very frustrating to feel like you’re not being listened to. When you’re listening to your partner talk, focus on what they’re saying to you. Repeat back what they’re saying to show them you’re paying attention. Think about how you would want them to listen to you, and act the same way. 

Reframe the situation as “us vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”

So many relationship conflicts are framed as one partner versus the other, instead of both partners versus the problem. Remember, you’re a team and you’re in this together. How can you look at this situation as the two of you against the problem, instead of against each other? Remind each other that you’re on the same side.

Approach the situation from a place of curiosity, instead of blame

Miscommunications happen when we make assumptions about other people. Instead of assuming you know what’s going on, approach the conversation from a place of curiosity. Try to see where your partner is coming from and understand their perspective. Instead of blaming them for what’s wrong in the relationship, try to find out what they’re thinking and what is driving them to behave the way they do. There’s always a reason behind someone’s behavior, and the more compassionate and curious we can be, the less shame and defensiveness people will feel.

Remind yourself that being right isn’t the most important thing

Sometimes we get so swept up in what we’re thinking and feeling that we lose sight of what’s really important to us. There are some situations where you’ll probably want to be acknowledged for being right, but that doesn’t have to happen every time. In a lot of disagreements in relationships, there isn’t one clear right side and one clear wrong side. It’s okay to want to be right, but being right all the time doesn’t always make it easy to be in a relationship with someone. In all adult relationships, we have to compromise and work together, so make sure you’re prepared for that going into a tough conversation. 

Figure out what you want before you start the conversation

Talking about a problem without offering a solution or knowing what you need out of a situation can just lead to frustration for everyone. If you’re bringing something up, have a plan about what you want to say to your partner so you don’t forget anything once your emotions are heightened. What do you need to have happen in this conversation? What are you willing to negotiate, and what can you be flexible about? Are you hoping to spend more time together? Are you looking for a different division of labor in the household? Do you want to find more ways to connect emotionally? Whatever it is, have your goals in mind when you start the conversation. 

Make checking in a regular part of your relationship

If it kind of freaks you out to hear that you need to have a serious conversation with a partner, you’re not alone. The words “we need to talk” can be very scary to hear, especially when your relationship is struggling.  

This is more of a long-term goal, but when you make it a regular part of your relationship to check in with one another, hearing “we need to talk” will seem way less scary or threatening. It can be uncomfortable knowing that a mysterious conversation is ahead of you, even if it’s one you know you need to have. When you make check-ins regular, you’ll have more chances to address issues as they come up, so no one is holding onto any resentment. 

Give yourself a pat on the back

Having hard conversations is, well, hard. It’s not easy to let yourself be vulnerable and ask for what you need or say what’s on your mind. If you’re having a hard conversation with someone, give yourself credit. That’s not an easy thing to do, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. 

Relationships aren’t easy, and since every one is different, they don’t come with an instruction manual. Working with a couples therapist can help you find new ways to communicate and connect with one another so hard conversations no longer feel impossible. To get started working with a couples therapist, get in touch with our office. 

6 Tips To Help You Feel Your Feelings

Do you have a hard time dealing with uncomfortable emotions? If you do, you’re not the only one! Uncomfortable emotions are, well, uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel good to feel uncomfortable, so it makes sense that we often go out of our way to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions. However, emotions serve an important purpose. When we avoid our feelings, we’re just opening ourselves up to more distress later. When feelings aren’t dealt with, they have a way of coming back even more intensely, and often at an inconvenient time. 

Emotions are messengers, but we usually aren’t taught how to decode the messages they are sending us. Even when you do understand what the message is underneath the emotion, it can be hard to know what to do in the moment when you’re feeling a distressing feeling. 

Emotions are important, which is why we have them. In fact, they can help us survive. For example, babies display their emotions to alert their caregivers that they need help, since they can’t take care of themselves. Emotions can help us make decisions and guide our behaviors, as well as influence the way we understand and communicate with others. 

So, how can you make it easier to feel your feelings? Here are 6 tips to help you feel your feelings: 

Identify + acknowledge what's going on

If you’re having trouble identifying what you’re feeling, try using an emotion wheel to pinpoint what you’re experiencing. We can’t feel our feelings if we don’t notice and acknowledge them, so this is an important step. As you get more practice, it will be easier to identify what emotion you’re feeling and notice it as it pops up. 

Sometimes, you might get caught up in whatever the emotion is before you realize what’s going on. When that happens, take a pause and a deep breath. Naming what you are feeling gives you more information on how to deal with the emotion moving forward. You’ll also learn how to spot patterns in your emotional responses, which can be helpful. 

Do a body scan

Where are you feeling this emotion in your body? Is there anywhere that you notice is more tense than usual? Do you feel hot or cold anywhere? Are there any sensations that you notice? Are you experiencing any pain? 

Checking in with how your body feels when you’re emotionally activated is a helpful way to get back into the present moment. When we’re in the middle of our feelings, it can be hard to be focused on what’s happening right now. Scanning your body and taking note of any sensations can help you identify where you experience emotions in your body. This can also be another way to identify your emotions when you’re having a hard time naming them. 

Validate what you're feeling

Feeling validated is powerful, even when you validate yourself. It feels good to acknowledge that what you’re feeling is okay and that there’s nothing wrong with you for having feelings. Sometimes we start judging ourselves and jumping to conclusions before taking some time to reflect and see that it actually makes sense that we feel this way. 

Another aspect to this is to give yourself lots of compassion. The world is already tough enough, you don’t need to be mean to yourself on top of it. How would you treat a friend going through what you’re going through? You’d probably be supportive, understanding, and kind. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend. You deserve compassion. 

Do what you can to reassure yourself

We all need reassurance from time to time, and especially when we’re feeling emotionally vulnerable. Do what you can to reassure yourself that things will be okay. It might even help to tell yourself something like “I’m here now, and I'm not going anywhere,” or “It won’t always feel like this.” We all need to have people on our side, and that includes being on our own side. Try to be the calm, adult voice of reason that your younger self needs to hear. 

Give yourself options

When you’re feeling emotionally activated, it can be hard to remember what can help make you feel better. It can be helpful to make a list of things that make you feel safe in advance so you have options when you're in the thick of your feelings. 

This could be as simple as keeping a note on your phone of things that soothe you in intense moments, or things that have helped you regulate your emotions in the past. You can even go as far as to make yourself an emotional distress toolbox. A toolbox could hold items like a meditation exercise, a candle or essential oil with a calming smell, fidget toys, grounding objects, or pictures of people and places that make you feel safe. When you’re feeling your feelings, take a look at the options you’ve prepared yourself ahead of time and see if that helps you as you process your emotions. 

Talk to someone

One of the hardest things about talking about your emotions is the sense of shame that they can bring up. Shame is a particularly uncomfortable feeling to deal with. Shame can result in pushing feelings away when it comes up to avoid the pain of confronting it. When you feel shame, it might feel like you can’t speak about it, because that brings up all those bad feelings and body sensations. 

However, shame thrives on keeping it to yourself. When you share your feelings of shame with others that you trust, shame loses its power. Seeing others treat you with compassion when you share what you feel ashamed about can help motivate you to be that compassionate to yourself. 

You can talk to anyone you trust and feel safe around, like a friend, a family member, a spiritual advisor, a mentor, or even a therapist.

If you’re interested in learning more ways to regulate your emotions and cope with your feelings, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

3 Ways to Celebrate Platonic Relationships This February

3 Ways to Celebrate Platonic Relationships This February

Romantic relationships get a lot of attention this time of year, because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. When we think of demonstrating our love for others, we usually think of romantic relationships first. There are lots of cultural scripts that encourage us to prioritize romantic relationships above platonic ones. It’s becoming more and more common for folks to celebrate friendships, but it can also be hard to find the time or the energy, especially in the middle of winter. 

There’s only so much energy to go around right now. We’re coming up on our third spring in this pandemic, and burnout is everywhere. When you’re burned out, the idea of doing anything, let alone the emotional labor required to maintain relationships, can be too much. If you’re feeling that way right now, you’re not alone. It’s okay to reassess what you’re able to handle relationship wise right now, and set new boundaries if necessary. 

It’s also important to note that some people simply aren’t interested in romance for whatever reason. Some folks like their independence as a single person, others might be aromantic or somewhere else on the ace spectrum. It can be jarring sometimes to see someone not following certain cultural expectations, like getting married and having 2.5 kids, but it’s also helpful for everyone to see that there’s not just one way to live your life. It’s possible to deviate from the script, and seeing someone do that can be eye opening and even give you permission to do that yourself. 

Another cultural expectation is that friendship goes on the back burner once you reach adulthood and start forming a life of your own. Some folks certainly prefer to search for a romantic partner and prioritize that relationship above the other ones in their lives, especially if they have a family together. That’s not the only way to manage relationships in adulthood, though. Some people prefer to focus on non-romantic relationships, and that’s a fine choice too. But because it’s kind of expected for folks to overlook friendships, it can be hard to find resources for how to nurture those relationships. 

Investing in our platonic relationships can help us feel more confident and secure in romantic relationships. As you nurture the relationships and connections you have outside of your romantic life, it will feel less scary being abandoned by a romantic partner. It’s often frightening to imagine what you’ll do without your partner or without a future partner, but romance isn’t the only way to make connections that can support you during hard times. Family, friends, and even coworkers can help you see that there are lots of people out there who care about you and who you can lean on, even if your romantic relationship ends. 

However you choose to structure and prioritize your relationships, it can be fun to celebrate them every once in a while. It’s pretty easy to find lists or ideas for how to celebrate romantic love, but it’s tougher to find ideas for non-romantic relationships.

If you’re looking for ways to celebrate the platonic loves in your life, here are 3 ideas to consider:

Along with Valentine’s Day, celebrate Palentine’s Day

There’s no rule saying you can’t celebrate all kinds of love this February! Enjoy Valentine’s Day, but consider celebrating your buddies too. Palentine's Day is a made up holiday focused on celebrating friendship, inspired by Galentine’s Day, a fictional holiday from the TV show Parks & Rec, that is focused on “ladies celebrating ladies.” Palentine's Day is a gender neutral way to celebrate the pals in your life (after all, not everyone’s pals are ladies!). You don’t have to throw a party or make everything perfect, but setting aside a specific time to celebrate friendships can really lift the spirits. Even if you can’t meet in person, you can send love notes to your pals telling them what you love about them. 

Make a scrapbook or online photo album with some of your cherished memories

Most of us have thousands of pictures on our phones, but how often do we go back and remember what we were taking photos of? If it’s been a while since you’ve held physical photos, getting some favorites printed can be a sweet way to remind yourself of the people you love. Deciding what photos to print can also be a nice excuse to go scrolling through your pics and reminisce about your memories. If you’re not into printing physical copies or if that’s not accessible for you, try creating an online scrapbook or photo album every once in a while to give you a reason to revisit your memories, especially with the people you love. Sharing photos, whether physical or digital, is another nice way to show people you’re thinking of them. 

Send your friends a love note

At this point, we’re all pretty tired of meeting up with our people virtually or over the phone. We’ve been semi-isolated for a few years now, and all our usual methods of communication are kind of getting old. To spice things up, send your loved ones some snail mail! It’s always fun to get an unexpected surprise in the mail, and getting a little love note from someone you care about can make someone’s whole week! Sending snail mail also lets you be a little more creative than an email, text, or video call. You can include more than just a note, you can decorate the envelope, write on fancy paper, even seal it with wax! Have fun with it and your loved ones will have fun receiving it. 

If you’re looking for more ways to nurture your relationships, whether romantic or platonic, talking with a therapist can help you discover what your needs are and how to ask for them, as well as give you a safe space to process any issues that come up in your relationships.

Adult relationships can get messy sometimes, and it can be a relief knowing that you’ll be able to talk it all through with someone who gets it. Get in touch with us today to get started!

5 Tips to Start Journaling for the First Time

5 Tips to Start Journaling for the First Time

Have you ever tried to keep a journal?

It can be a hard practice to keep up. And it can feel intimidating to start! If you’ve been on Pinterest or Instagram in the past few years, you’ve surely seen some bullet journals–a huge new trend in the world of journaling! 

Bullet journaling is meant as a mindfulness practice, and a method of rapid journaling dependent on shorthand so it can remain simple and easy to understand at a glance. However, the trend has taken off massively, especially amongst creatives, who have taken the basics of the bullet journal and made them much more elaborate or decorated records of their day to day life. 

This method of bullet journaling can be intimidating to start with. It requires a lot of forethought to figure out how you will lay out your month’s pages, what you want to keep track of, etc. So it’s easy to start out with big ambitions, and eventually get overwhelmed. 

But bullet journaling isn’t the only option out there for a regular, mindful journaling practice. And, it’s better to pick a method that can easily fit into your existing routine, until it becomes a habit for you. Eventually you may like journaling so much you might want to take all of that time to set up your pages for the month ahead! But until you know that will fill your cup, try to give yourself a more accessible goal for a beginner. 

Here are 5 tips for first time journalers getting started: 

You don’t have to have a paper journal: 

While it’s always nice to take a break from screens, and having a physical paper journal can help you ground yourself in the present moment, if you don’t want to go out and buy one before you’re a constant journal-er you don’t have to! You can keep a journal in your phone, in a notes app, or on your laptop in a blank word document. 

Give yourself some “rules”: 

Forming a daily journaling habit can seem daunting at first. You might think, what will I write about every day? What if I can’t think of anything? That’s why it can be helpful to have some sort of guide of what you want to get in your journal. Maybe you write one thing you struggled with, one thing you enjoyed, and an update about something in your life. That’s three quick sentences and you can say you’ve written in your journal that day! It doesn’t have to be those questions, pick ones that work for you. You can use those “rules” for what to write about everyday or just days when you can’t think of what to write! It’s totally up to you. 

Schedule it into your day: 

Leaving your journaling practice for “whenever you have time” will quickly turn into you never having time to journal. So pick ten minutes of your day, and block them off in your calendar. Those are your journaling minutes! It can be whenever works for you, but make sure you commit to including it in your schedule. 

Don’t be afraid to try new techniques: 

There are a lot of journaling techniques out there that people have written all about. If one style of journaling just feels frustrating and fruitless, allow yourself to let that style go! You’re not obligated to journal the same way forever, just because you tried it once. Follow your own needs, and give yourself permission to try different styles until you find one you like.  

Pair it with something you enjoy: 

Journaling shouldn’t always feel like a chore. As you’re getting started it might feel a little chore-like, but as the habit develops it should be something you enjoy! Treat it like something special; maybe you have some fancy chocolates you can pair with your journaling habit, or make yourself a warm cup of coffee to savor as you reflect on your day. Make journaling a pleasure! 

If you need some extra support in figuring out how to start your journey of self care and self reflection, we can help. Contact us today! 

Making Big Life Decisions In Scary Times

We’ve heard the word “unprecedented” a few too many times in the last two years. But what we’re living through right now is scary and unpredictable–most of us have not lived through something like this before. So we’re all having to learn as we go, adjust to new normals every few months, and be gentle with ourselves as we learn. 

But this uncertainty makes decision making, and making big changes really, really scary! Think back to March of 2020–at first we thought covid was something we could get under control with just a few weeks of quarantine. But now, we’re in a totally different place that many of us couldn’t predict way back at the start of this. 

There has been a lot of putting things on hold during the Covid pandemic. Events like weddings or festivals have been canceled and rescheduled and postponed, and have altogether been pretty hard to plan for, because the waves of the pandemic are hard to plan for! So how can you even go about making big life decisions in scary times like this? When at the start of the pandemic it seemed like putting off things like switching jobs or trying for a baby or buying a house made sense, we’re now almost two years into it and we have to start reevaluating whether we’re really serving ourselves by continuing to put our lives on hold until “after” the pandemic. 

Give your gut a chance to talk

What’s your initial instinct when thinking about whatever decision you’re trying to make? What do you imagine first? Explore that fantasy a bit. Let your gut tell you what your dream scenario for the next phase of your life is. If you keep coming back to one thing, even if you can’t articulate why, that’s probably your intuition trying to talk to you! Your instincts are stronger than you know, give them a chance to speak before overthinking every part of your decision.  

Explore your motivations

Why do you want to make this choice? Is it truly what you want, or are you feeling pressure to do it? Is it not what you want, but it would solve a problem for you? Is there another way to solve the problem? Are you just looking for any change, and you think this will do? Take some time to sit with why you want to make the choice you want to make. Explore what that’s telling you about your current situation, and what you want in the future. 

Get a snack and sleep on it

You’d be surprised at the effect hunger and sleep deprivation can have on your mood, your emotions, your stress tolerance, your problem solving skills, etc. Sometimes when a big decision comes up and it feels like life or death, we might just be at a point where we’ve pushed ourselves too far. No one decision will “make or break” you, you don’t need to carry all of that pressure! Take stock of how you’re feeling about your choices when you’re overwhelmed, and then: get something to eat and get a little rest. Come back rested with more energy and see how you feel then. 

It doesn’t have to be right forever, it just has to be right, right now

Lots of us put so much pressure on big life decisions because we try to imagine how that choice will impact the rest of our lives. Now for some things that’s true–things like having a baby will definitely change your life drastically from now, until the end. But other things aren’t so permanent. You can change jobs, and in a couple of years you might realize that job actually isn’t for you. Just because you decided it was right for you when you took it, doesn’t mean you’re locked in forever! We change and grow all of the time, and often in ways we could never have predicted. That’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s something to nurture. You are constantly becoming a newer, truer version of yourself. If that means changing your mind somewhere down the line, that’s okay!  

Make peace with what this choice takes away

Let’s say you’re switching jobs. While on the one hand you’re entering a new environment, maybe a new field, learning new skills and meeting new people (all exciting things!)–you also do have to say goodbye to some things. Your old job, the trajectory it had for your overall career, the opportunities it may have brought you, etc. It’s okay if it’s hard to say goodbye to something that doesn’t serve you anymore. You can feel sad about what you’re leaving behind, even when you know it’s the right choice. Take time to truly consider what you will need to say goodbye to, maybe even write a letter to those things. Let them know what they meant to you, how they helped support you to get to this point where you could make a change. 

Make the choice based on where you are now, not where you wish you were:

It can be scary to make big life changes, so the idea of waiting for the “perfect” time is obviously appealing! And to most of us, the perfect time to make a big change in our lives is not in the midst of a global pandemic. But we can’t wish our way out of it, and we can’t predict when it will end. So imagining all of your decisions as post-pandemic choices just keeps you stagnant, and possibly, unhappy. When making these big decisions, don’t think to yourself, “well if there was no pandemic…” because, awful and difficult as it is, there is a pandemic. As much as we all wish we could move on and never have to think about the pandemic again, as of right now adjusting to living with it and finding a new normal is our daily life. Accept that the perfect circumstances might not come, but that you deserve to seek out the life you want even in imperfect times. 

If you’re looking for more ways to gain confidence and feel empowered by the decisions you make, our counselors can provide a safe and compassionate space for you to explore your needs and what’s getting in the way of meeting them. Get in touch today to get started! 

6 Little Ways to Improve Your Romantic Relationship

Improving any relationship may seem like a daunting task, especially a romantic relationship. After all, it’s hard for people to change! It seems like making any sort of meaningful change would take a long time and a lot of effort. Big changes and shifts often do take time and patience, but there are lots of little ways to improve your romantic relationships that can add up over time. 

Romantic relationships often feel like they have higher stakes, partially because as a culture we value intimate relationships more than platonic ones. That’s why there are a million resources out there about how to deal with a romantic breakup, but not nearly as many on dealing with friendship breakups, for example. So when things are tough in your romantic relationship, you might feel particularly distressed.

This is also because our romantic partners are often a major source of support in our lives, and a main part of our family. The idea of losing that support, whether it’s a possibility or just a worry, can be devastating. It can be tough to know where to start when you’re feeling like your relationship could be improved. 

First, decide what improving your relationship means to you. For some people, this will mean increased intimacy (physical or emotional), for others it might mean fewer disagreements. What would a “better” relationship look like for you? How would you like to feel in your relationship, and what is in the way of feeling that now? Taking some time to figure out what you want can help you decide how best to move forward. 

If you’re looking for suggestions for little ways to improve your relationship, here are 6 ways: 

Spend time away from each other

This might sound counterintuitive, but couples who don’t spend every minute together tend to be happier. When you spend all of your time together, you leave no room to miss one another. It’s also kind of boring - when you already know exactly how they spend all their time, what is there to talk about? Dedicated time apart can help you feel more excited to come together again and fill each other in on all the details of what you did while you weren’t together. 

Be present mentally when you’re together

It’s all too easy to end the day winding down on the couch, scrolling through your phone, especially as the days get shorter and colder. Even if you spend a lot of time together with your partner, how much of that time is spent being present mentally, and how much of that time is spent distracted? There’s always going to be something to look at online or on your phone, but there aren’t unlimited moments to connect with your partner. When you’re together, at least some of the time, try to make an effort to be present with each other. That means putting down your phones, making eye contact, and actively listening to each other. We promise, it’s worth it!

Stop trying to read each other's' minds

When you’ve been with someone a long time, you probably know pretty well how they think. However, that doesn’t mean that you can read their mind, or that they can read yours. There are lots of disagreements between couples that could be resolved with some direct communication, instead of making assumptions. If you’re not sure about something, ask! 

Make time to laugh together

When was the last time you and your partner had a really good laugh together? There’s a lot of tension and stress in the world, and that only tends to increase at the end of the year. Finding ways to bond over positive things can help you feel closer to one another. Making time to laugh together is also a great way to remind yourself that you love and enjoy spending time together. Watching a show or a comedy special that you both love can help get the laughter flowing and leave you feeling closer. 

Go to bed at the same time 

Life is busy, and it’s hard to find time to spend with your partner sometimes. Going to bed at the same time at night gives you an opportunity for some alone time every day. Take advantage of it! Also, everything seems better after a good night’s sleep, so getting some quality shut-eye can do a world of good when you’re just having one of those days. 

Notice the little things

When you’re in a routine with someone, it can be hard to break out of it. One way to keep things interesting in a relationship is to make an effort to notice the little things. Compliment your partner, acknowledge things they do, remember the things they say, and keep track of what’s important to them. Knowing that someone cares about all the little details of your life is a great feeling, and can lead to feeling closer to one another. 

If you’re looking for more ways to improve your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

How to Motivate Yourself to Do Boring Life Tasks

Do you struggle to motivate yourself to do boring life tasks?

We know that self care is not the commercialized version we so often see. (That’s often actually a form of self soothing; providing ourselves with something nice to ease the discomfort or distress of a situation. We talk about the difference between the two a little bit here.)

But, essentially, self care is about developing a life and forming habits that take care of your physical, mental, and emotional needs. 

Which isn’t always as fun as the bubble bath, treat-yourself version of “self care” that we sometimes think of! 

In fact, many ways in which we care for ourselves are very boring chores, such as: 

• Making a grocery list of foods that fill you and make you feel good (physically and emotionally–emotionally nourishing foods are also important, there should be joy in the task of eating too!) 

• Refilling prescriptions

• Remembering to take medicine 

• Making doctors appointments when something is wrong

• Cleaning your home; making sure your space is tidy enough not to inhibit your daily life or get you sick 

• Prioritizing time with people who make you happy and leave you feeling rejuvenated 

• Finding a method/system for remembering appointments

Some of those are more fun than others–seeing our friends for example, isn’t a very hard one to motivate ourselves to do. Making doctors appointments and cleaning our house, however, isn’t really all that fun! Tasks like those, which are important to a healthy, happy, and well rested life, often go neglected because it really is just so hard to find the motivation to do those things–especially when we’re living in a world prone to burning us out already. 

And we’re now also facing the obstacles that come with the winter season. Many of us struggle even more this time of year due to the short, darker, colder days. We’re getting less sunlight and our brain is producing more melatonin because of that, which means we’re more likely to be tired all the time! 

So how can you motivate yourself to do boring self care tasks?

Stop all or nothing thinking: 

Is there a pile of dishes sitting in your sink? Maybe it’s been there for days and it just keeps getting bigger? And now, the bigger it is, the more daunting the task seems? Stop telling yourself you need to do it all at one time. Life is rarely all or nothing. 50% is pretty much always better than 0%! Tell yourself you’ll just start those annoying tasks (dishes, laundry, grocery prep, etc.) and after ten minutes or so, if you want to stop, you’re allowed to. 

Getting started is often the hardest part, especially when the task itself is so massive it feels like even if you start you’ll never finish.  When you tell yourself “I don’t have to finish the dishes, I just have to start them” you’re easing that pressure. Chances are? You’ll realize doing the dishes isn’t actually that bad and you’ll just finish them. And if not? Then some of your dishes are clean now when they weren’t before! 

Select part of the day to be “productive”

You’re not going to want to spend the whole day on boring tasks. If it’s hard to even get yourself started, you’ll never want to dedicate a whole day to it!  Instead, find ways to split the day into productive and non-productive chunks. Give yourself a starting time (“I’ll take a look at my to do list and decide what’s realistic to get done today at 1pm”) or a cut off time (“I’ll try to get what I can done before 3pm, but after that I’m going to rest.”)

Have a “life admin” buddy

Can you coordinate with a friend who might also struggle to get some boring self care done? Maybe the two of you can have cleaning dates where you help each other clean each other’s homes, or meal prep days where you cook or grocery shop together. You could start a monthly “tradition” of getting together to go through your calendars for the month and make sure all your appointments are in there with reminders and any info you’ll need for them. While the tasks themselves might not be fun, having a friend there can add in some joy (maybe even get you looking forward to it!) or just assure you that you’re not the only one who needs a little extra help with these “life admin” tasks sometimes. 

Give yourself a reward

There’s nothing wrong with making boring tasks more appealing with a treat! Maybe when you go grocery shopping, you could stop by the bakery section and pick yourself up a fresh baked treat as a reward for getting groceries. Another idea could be to make plans with friends after appointments you don’t enjoy (see a friend for lunch after a doctor’s appointment, etc) to make them more appealing! While you might not enjoy actually going to the doctor, making it a “rule” that you get something fun in return can help make it a more positive experience overall–and might help you to stop putting it off. 

If you're looking for more support, our therapists are trained in modalities like cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) to help you move from feeling hopeless to feeling empowered.

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

The way that you treat yourself matters. Have you ever noticed the way that you talk to yourself? There are lots of reasons why we’re harder on ourselves than on anyone else. Some folks experienced abuse growing up that taught them not to expect any compassion. Others had caregivers who weren’t nurturing or who constantly criticized them. We hear a lot about self-love, especially in therapy spaces, but self-love isn’t always within reach for people. Starting with self-compassion can be a great way to build up your resilience and confidence. 

What is self-compassion?

Simply put, self-compassion is being nice to yourself. The idea of self-compassion is drawn from Buddhism. Being kind to yourself might sound really simplistic, but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. Many of us have a voice in our heads that chimes in when we mess up. That voice is called the Inner Critic, and it can be hard to notice it sometimes. There are times when we’re so immersed in beating ourselves up that we don’t even consider that there’s another option. However, there is always another option. Being kind, gentle, and understanding to yourself is always a choice you can make, it just takes practice to remember that that’s an option. 

Think about it: when someone has tried to motivate you by being mean to you, did that ever work? Probably not, right? It’s hard to get people to listen to you and respect you if you’re being a jerk all the time. The same is true for your brain! If you’re constantly being mean to yourself, eventually your brain will internalize the message that there is something wrong with you. You might even get to a place where you don’t want to try anything because you're sure you’ll mess it up somehow. If this is how you’re feeling, know that there is hope. Just as you learned to be unkind to yourself, you can learn how to be kind to yourself instead. It takes practice, and it won’t happen overnight, but you can begin to change your internal narrative that you’re not good enough. 

Here are some exercises you can to do cultivate more self-compassion:

Write down what your Inner Critic says

Sometimes we don’t even realize all the negative stuff our Inner Critic is saying. A great way to start to build up your self-compassion is to start to keep track of what your Inner Critic is saying. When you know what your Inner Critic is up to, you can focus on correcting those assumptions and silencing that voice in your head. Keep a note in your phone or a page in your journal where you write down what you say to yourself. Try to keep track for a few days so you can start to see patterns in your thinking. What are the common themes that you struggle with? How can you rewrite what your critic says in a more compassionate way? 

Write a letter to yourself

Writing can help us get in touch with our feelings and lessen the sense of shame we feel for our feelings. From a place of kindness and compassion, write yourself a letter. If it helps, imagine you’re writing to a younger version of yourself. What would you want them to know? Are there things you’re ashamed of or that you judge yourself for? Try to get it all out on the page. Sometimes the physical act of writing can help us begin to process our feelings and identify patterns in our thinking. 

Pretend you’re talking to your BFF

If you talked to your best friend the way you talk to yourself, they probably wouldn’t be your friend anymore. So why do you talk to yourself like that? Try to approach yourself with the same sense of compassion and gentleness that you would use with your friends. You deserve to be treated with respect, even from yourself. 

Forgive yourself

Is there something that you need to forgive yourself for? Holding on to this feeling of guilt and shame will only make you feel worse over time. Take a look at what is bringing those feelings up for you. Remind yourself that you were doing the best you could at the time. If there are things that you could have done differently, acknowledge that and remind yourself that you’re capable of changing. It might help to write this down in a journal so you can revisit it when that old shame pops it’s head up again. You are worthy of your own forgiveness. 

Remind yourself that perfection doesn’t exist

Perfectionism can distort our thinking. The idea that we have to do everything perfectly or not at all is destructive. You don’t have to be perfect, and that’s not a reasonable expectation to have of yourself. If your caregivers in the past demanded perfection, remind yourself that that’s not the only way. Holding yourself to impossible standards is a recipe for resentment, burnout, and shame. You are good enough just as you are right now. 

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches us to connect with the present moment. When you’re in the middle of a self-shame spiral, it can be a game-changer to gently remind yourself to slow down, take some deep breaths, and focus on the present. Notice your thoughts without judging them. A mindfulness practice is a great way to practice not judging yourself. If you start to slip into judgment mode, gently let those thoughts pass. Remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. 

Do things that bring you joy

You deserve to feel joy, and sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Make time (as in, put it on your schedule) for doing things that bring you joy. Feeling joy + motivation can let you see yourself in a whole new light. Also, doing things you enjoy can be confidence-boosting - with practice you’ll eventually improve, and being good at something can be a powerful feeling. Even just the act of trying new things can make you feel happy, no matter what your skill level is. 

Being kind to yourself sounds simplistic, but it can be really tricky to break the habit of being mean to yourself. Cultivating self-compassion is something that takes time and effort. If you’re looking for guidance and support as you work on your self-compassion, a therapist can help you on this journey.

Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

6 Tips to Help Improve Your Sleep

Do you struggle with sleep? From creating a routine to settling in, to staying soundly asleep until morning, sleep issues are extremely common. It seems like we all need a little support figuring out works! But our health, our mood, and our energy levels are all improved when we get the right amount of deep, restful sleep, so it’s important to find a routine that works for you! So today we’re going over 6 tips to help improve your sleep: 

Set a “bedtime warning” alarm: 

By this, I don’t mean an alarm that means “get in bed now.” Instead, give yourself a built in buffer! Decide around what time you’d like to be in bed at night. Let’s say it’s 10:30pm. If you want to be in bed by around 10:30pm every night, set up a daily alarm on your phone for around 9:30pm. That will be your signal that you have about an hour until “bedtime.” In that time you can wrap up anything that needs to be done, and engage in whatever nighttime routine you have. That way you’re not feeling the pressure every night when you realize “oh no it’s 10:30, I wanted to be in bed by now!” And it will create a routine your body can learn to respond to: when you hear the alarm and start your routine–even if it varies a little day to day–your body will get used to getting into “bedtime mode” and it can help you transition into sleep easier. 

Wear yourself out a little–gently: 

A small amount of gentle movement right before bed is a great way to let your body know “okay! We’re going to sleep now!” It helps to both tire your body out a bit, as well as refocus your energy on your physical body & feelings, instead of any racing thoughts you may have in your head. Some exercise will energize you, however, so stick to something slow and gentle like stretching or yoga. Keep a yoga mat by your bed, do a few gentle moves, maybe repeat them for a few cycles, and then hop right into bed. Find the balance that works best for you; remember the point is to get your body ready to rest, as well as quieting your mind so it doesn’t keep you up. If you’re running on a treadmill and hopping off more energized than before, that is not going to help your sleep! 

Eliminate screens at night: 

This is probably one you’ve heard before–but that’s because it’s true. The blue light in screens actually messes with your circadian rhythm, which of course then throws your sleeping patterns all out of whack! We don’t live in a world where we can really go days without screens–lots of us have to use them for work–but what we can do is  limit our exposure to them before bed. A good idea is to use that “bedtime warning” alarm as a marker that it’s time to put your computer away or turn your tv off or set down your phone. You could also ease into it and set a second alarm about a half hour later, and work your way up to an hour of no screen time before bed as you establish a routine. 

Increase bright light exposure during the daytime: 

On the opposite side of that, lots of exposure to bright natural light during the day helps to keep your circadian rhythm happy & healthy! (Just like it can do for you!) If you can, open blinds or windows to let as much natural light into your home or workspace as you can. If that isn’t a possibility, consider getting a lamp that is made to mimic the effects of natural light (sometimes called a SAD lamp). 

Consider your environment: 

What is your bedroom like? Are there things about it that constantly distract you from sleep? For example: is your bed near a window that lets too much light into your room? Or does the noise from outside the window bother you as you try to fall asleep? Do you find yourself not able to get comfortable because you’re too hot no matter your pajamas or what your home temperature is set to? Lots of these things feel out of our control but we can take time to find solutions, even if they are imperfect ones, because any improvement to our sleep is better than none!

To go along with these examples some things you could do are: 

• Move your bed to a different part of the room. Get away from the window if possible. 

• Get thick or blackout curtains to block the light from coming in the window. 

• Download a white noise app on your phone to play to cover the noises that come in from outside. 

• Get a fan on the lowest setting and set it next to your bed. Or look for sheets designed specifically for people who over heat while sleeping. (It’s a common problem!) 

Stay hydrated throughout the day: 

This one might not seem like it could affect your sleep but stay with me! If you are properly hydrating yourself throughout the day, you won’t get that rush of “I’m so thirsty!!” late at night which can both: 

1. Make it difficult for you to fall asleep if you don’t get something to drink, as you’ll be physically uncomfortable from being dehydrated. 

2. Make it so you’re waking up constantly to use the bathroom, since you drank your days worth of water right before bed. 

Use that alarm an hour before bed as a sort of “last call” while you’re getting used to staying hydrated throughout the day if you need to. When it goes off use it as a check: do I need something to drink? If so, get a quick glass of water. Then (hopefully!) you won’t need another drink before bed, and it won’t be keeping you awake. 

If you need more support, contact us today! Our therapists can help you find a mindful nighttime routine that works for you.