What to Teach Your Child About Worry

We’ve talked a bit about anxiety in children before, but what about regular worrying? How can we teach our children the difference between the two? And what can we do to help them develop healthy coping skills for both?

While worrying isn’t a chronic condition the way an anxiety disorder is, it still is something kids need guidance on how to handle. Like all big emotions, they can feel scary and overwhelming when that emotion is new to you. 

So first, what’s the difference between worry and anxiety?

Worry tends to be specific, and grounded in reality (ex. I’m worried I won’t do well on this test because I’ve been struggling in this class) while anxiety is typically more generalized and does not necessarily use logic to assess risk. Anxiety is chronic, long lasting, while worry is temporary–and usually due to a specific, high-pressure circumstance. Along with these differences, the way worry and anxiety show up in us is different. While worry is mainly just your mind (worried thoughts) anxiety can be both mind and body. There are many physical symptoms of anxiety to look out for, which can help you distinguish whether you’re feeling anxiety or worry. 

The main difference between anxiety and worry is that anxiety often impairs function, and worry does not. Worry may actually work as a motivator, while anxiety can often make you feel frozen and unable to make any changes. 

If you think what your child is experiencing is anxiety, not worry, you can find more signs, symptoms & tips on how to help here. 

But, what do we need to teach children about worry?

Worrying is normal

Everyone worries! So if they are feeling worry that’s, well, nothing to be worried about. (If it begins to impair their functioning, then it’s time to get outside support). Let them know that you worry about things too! Share some things you worry about, and how you find healthy ways to cope with that worry. Ask them what they are worried about, and let them know they can always share when they are feeling that way. 

Worrying comes from somewhere: 

If your child doesn’t typically feel nervous or worried, when they do, it might be hard or overwhelming for them to handle. They might not know enough about themselves and their feelings to figure out why they are feeling worried or what caused it without help or guidance. Take some time to listen to their worries. Again, if you think it will comfort them, share one of your own worries and how you manage it. Then, sit with them and find some possible methods of easing that worry. 

If your child is worried about a presentation for school, for example, you can ask them if they are worried about the work they’ve done, or if it’s the pressure of presenting in front of peers, or if they are just worried about their grade. Help them find ways to problem solve the worry as much as you can (ex. Practice the presentation in front of you, go over their work with them to be sure they didn’t forget anything, remind them of how much hard work they put into the project, etc.). 

Worrying isn’t always bad: 

We worry for a reason. Just like we have pain receptors for a reason–a little discomfort can signal to us that something is wrong and needs to be taken care of. When you’re in a dangerous situation and you feel worried–that’s not anxiety being irrational or your brain trying to punish you. It’s setting off a little alarm saying “hey! Something’s not right and we need to do something about that.” Teaching your kids to investigate their worries and listen to that little alarm that goes off will help them to strengthen their own intuition, and help them later distinguish between a gut feeling telling them something is wrong, and anxiety setting off an alarm for something that isn’t there. 

If you're looking for support for your child, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help! 

Mindfulness To Help Anxiety

Do you ever feel like you are overwhelmed by all of the thoughts and feelings taking up space in your head? Most of us have days where we feel like our brains won’t knock it off, but for folks living with anxiety, this can be a constant battle. Your thoughts, feelings, worries, judgments, and decisions take up a lot of space in your brain, and it can be hard to focus on anything else sometimes. One way to give yourself a buffer between you and the noise in your head is to develop a mindfulness practice. 

You’ve probably heard of mindfulness before - we’ve talked about it on the blog a few times before, and mindfulness is kind of a buzzword right now, especially in mental health and wellness spaces. Mindfulness is a practice designed to teach us how to be in the present moment.  According to PsychCentral, the act of mindfulness is “paying attention in the present moment, on purpose, nonjudgmentally.” The two big things to remember when practicing mindfulness are awareness and acceptance. Mindfulness gives us an awareness of what’s going on in our own inner world. When practicing mindfulness, it’s also important to accept yourself. Do your best to shut down any judgment or negative self-talk when they come up, and just remember to focus on the present moment. 

Mindfulness helps to take us out of the mindset where we do things automatically or out of habit.

When you’re living with anxiety, you might feel like you don’t have enough time or emotional energy to change up your routines, but when you make time regularly to notice your surroundings, both internally and externally, you will start to notice patterns that you might not have seen before. Taking note of the patterns that come up for you in your daily life can help you make better decisions in the future, plan for tricky situations, and remind yourself that you are capable of doing difficult things. 

If you’re looking for some ways to practice mindfulness that can help you manage your anxiety, here are some tips: 

Make your space more mindful

When you have a set space to practice mindfulness, you will signal to your body and brain that it’s mindfulness time every time you sit there. You don’t need to use a whole room in your house for this, but if you have a cozy spot that you can dedicate to mindfulness, even the habit of sitting in that spot can help you get in the headspace to be present and aware of your surroundings, internally and externally. Try sitting in your favorite chair, or by a sunny window, or even in a corner of your bedroom. You can personalize the space so that it is ideal for your exact needs - have soft things to touch, smells that make you feel calm or grounded, play calming or happy music. 

Don’t go it alone

Anxiety is something we largely have to deal with on our own, but mindfulness doesn’t need to be a big secret! Try involving someone else in your mindfulness practice. This doesn’t necessarily have to be someone you sit down to practice mindfulness with, but it can be someone who holds you accountable to your goal of practicing mindfulness more often. When someone else knows that you’re working toward a goal of being more mindful, it can be really motivating. 

Morning journaling

Mindfulness isn’t just about sitting still with your eyes closed. Mindfulness can be anything that makes you feel connected to the present moment, whether that’s sitting quietly on a cushion, taking a walk through the woods, or even washing your dishes. One way to help combat the overflow of thoughts that comes with anxiety is to spend some time each morning journaling. Write down anything and everything that comes to mind, without judgment. You can set a timer and just free write until you feel more focused on the present, or you can find journal prompts to help you get there if you need a little guidance. 

Notice your breathing 

Getting out of your own head can be really tricky. Try starting with your breath. Focusing your thoughts to the present takes lots of practice, so if you can’t stop your thoughts that is okay. Do your best to move on from each thought when you notice it pop up. Try to slow down your breath and really focus on each inhale and exhale. Close your eyes if it helps! 

Mindfulness is a great tool because you can practice it anywhere- all you need is your mind. When you have anxiety, you take it with you everywhere you go, so it’s extremely valuable to have tools you can use in the moment to soothe yourself. With practice, mindfulness will become easier and you can use it anytime you need a reset to focus on the current moment. If you’re trying to figure out how mindfulness can help you manage your anxiety, our clinicians can help you come up with a mindfulness practice that works for you. 

Daily Habits to Help Manage Anxiety in a Healthy Way

People living with anxiety know that managing it is often a daily struggle. Anxiety is a complicated condition, and like many mental health disorders, it can lead to a totally new routine in order to manage it. Remember, there’s a difference between anxiety and everyday stress; they aren’t exactly the same. One definition of anxiety is that it is your body’s response to having too much stress. When we’re feeling stressed, we can usually still function, but the hallmark of anxiety is that it interferes with your everyday functioning. That’s usually how you can tell if you stress has morphed into anxiety: is it interfering with the way you live your life? It’s normal to once in a while feel nervous or worried, but you don’t need to feel that way all of the time.

Waking up with a ball of anxiety in your stomach every morning is not ideal.

It can leave you feeling like you don’t even want to get out of bed. That’s why it’s helpful to establish habits that you can use every day to carry you through on the days when your anxiety is spiraling out of control. It can be almost impossible to snap yourself out of an anxious spiral, especially without practice. That’s why it’s important to find anxiety-relieving methods that work for you and then practice them until they’re second nature to you. That way, the next time you’re feeling anxious and out of control, you have something to reach for to soothe yourself. 

Fortunately, there are lots of different ways to manage anxiety. Everyone’s anxiety is a little bit different, so if something doesn’t work for you, just move on to something else. Some of the popular ways folks manage anxiety are implementing lifestyle changes, starting therapy, or taking medication. Even though these methods can be really helpful, there is still stigma attached to mental health treatment and medication. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with taking medication to manage your anxiety. Finding ways to manage your mental health is just another facet of self-care. 

Since folks who live with anxiety have to deal with it every day, a natural starting place for anxiety relief is with your daily routine. You already have habits, whether you realize it or not: what do you do every day? The key to spotting a habit is that it happens almost automatically - you don’t even have to think about it. What habits are you currently practicing that you might not be aware of? Take a few days and just notice when you do something out of habit. 

It may also be helpful to point out that most of our habits reflect our needs, after a little digging. If you habitually scroll through Instagram for a few hours every day, you might be trying to connect with people socially, or numb yourself to the hard emotions you’re feeling. Do a little digging to find out the needs that your current habits are meeting. You might be surprised! 

Here are some daily habits that can help you manage anxiety: 

Rest

Anxiety can be a sign from your body that you need to take a break. When you push yourself too hard for too long, you can put yourself at risk for burnout, and then you won’t be able to get anything done, no matter how much you want to. It’s good to notice what anxiety feels like in your body so you can pay attention to which parts of you need extra rest or care. Start getting strict about getting the right amount of sleep - it’s wild how such a small change can have a huge impact. Our bodies and brains need rest to function, so making time to rest every single day is a good way to honor that need. 

Mindfulness

A lot of anxiety comes from worry about what’s coming. Mindfulness is a powerful tool in your anti-anxiety toolbelt because it teaches you how to be present in the moment, instead of focusing on the past or the future. Even taking five minutes every day to sit and notice your surroundings and slow your breath can have a valuable impact on your anxiety levels. 

Movement 

Movement is a great way to expend any anxious energy you may be feeling. Even if you’ve thought about exercise in terms of punishment until now, you can reframe it in your head as being for your mental health. Moving your body can go a long way toward expelling that extra anxious energy that you feel. You don’t have to do hardcore exercise to reap the benefits - making time to go for a walk a few times a week can make a real difference. 

Journaling

It’s hard to move through things when we don’t give ourselves enough time and space to process them. Journaling is a quick and cheap way to check in with yourself regularly about how you’re feeling. Journaling is helpful for managing anxiety for a couple of reasons. To start, the medium forces you to slow down. You can only write one thing at a time, so the process of journaling naturally makes you work through your thoughts one at a time. Journaling also gives you a place to explore the reasons behind your feelings instead of just feeling dread and anxiety. Journaling can help you identify patterns in your thoughts, which can help you find new ways to cope. 

Intentional Social Media Usage

It is so, so easy to get stuck looking at your phone and then realize hours later that you’ve lost all that time. Our phones were designed to be addicting, so don’t feel ashamed that you get sucked into a social media spiral. One way to combat that feeling is to be really intentional with your social media usage. Unfollow or mute accounts that make you feel badly about yourself. Follow accounts that show a diverse range of body types and that share your values. If you get a bad vibe from someone every time you look at their posts, remind yourself that you can unfollow. 

Anxiety is a little different for everyone, so if these ideas don’t help you, that’s not the end of the road. Our clinicians can help you come up with an anxiety management plan that works specifically for you. 

How to stop social media from making you feel bad about yourself

When you think of self care practices, do you ever consider your social media? 

While social media is great for so many things (keeping up to date with friends who live far away, finding new music or movies or other cultural events, staying on top of local events, just to name a few) it’s not something we should use mindlessly. 

And for every positive aspect of social media, there’s an equal and opposite negative action. Yes you’re able to keep up with friends, but do you remember that their lives aren’t as perfectly curated or posed as they seem on social media? Do you forget to check in with loved ones because seeing a facebook update makes you feel like you’ve already caught up? Do you get stressed from the information overload that can come with mindless social media scrolling? 

Just as with all other social interactions, social media requires a bit of intentional effort. We have to find out what works for us and what doesn’t, and we have to learn to take a step back when things aren’t working. But because social media is so ingrained in our culture, it’s easy to forget that this effort needs to be put in. 

If you’re finding yourself feeling bad more often than you’re feeling good when you use social media, it might be time for some major social media self care. Below are our top 4 tips for how to practice self care with your social media:  

1. Curate Your Feed

Who are you following on twitter or instagram? When you scroll through your feeds do you feel at ease, or anxious? Because we are able to take in so much information and content in a short time with social media, it’s important to make sure we’re being careful with exactly what kind of content we’re consuming. If you find yourself constantly frustrated or upset at a certain account's posts, remind yourself there is no social obligation making you follow them. 

Have you heard of the tidying method from Marie Kondo? The basic idea is that you decide what sparks joy for you from your possessions, and get rid of those that don’t. You can do the same thing with your social media feeds! While you scroll through, think to yourself, is this account bringing joy? Is it adding something positive to my life? Unfollow or mute accounts that aren’t. It will help keep your social media as a positive space, and leave you less anxious or tense after scrolling. 

2. Be Intentional with Your Social Media Presence

There is this idea that if we stay plugged into social media all day long, we’ll be better informed. But really, all this does is feed into our own anxiety and create a compulsion to keep checking and checking and checking our feeds. And when we’re too busy checking our feeds, we’re not actually engaging with the life, culture & experiences around us! Social media, after all, is meant to be a platform where you share parts of your life, not the main way you live your life.

So, like curating your feeds, taking time to decide which platforms spark joy can be hugely beneficial. You don’t actually have to be on every social media platform. Decide which ones actually add joy to your life. Do you like instagram because you can keep up with local events, or see how friends far away are doing? Or does it stress you out to see pictures of what everyone else is doing because it makes you get caught up in the comparison game? Leave the platforms that leave you upset after visiting them. 

3. Use it After Leaving Social Events

There is often a compulsion to keep everyone updated with everything you’re doing as you’re doing it. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to share a picture of you and your friends! But try to keep your social media time to the times when you aren’t otherwise socially engaged. Do your best to be present when at a party or event, and wait until you’re back home to share a post about it. That way you’ll be able to focus on actually having a good time wherever you are instead of just making it look like you had a good time on facebook. 

4. Take a Break

Sometimes, what you need is a good old fashioned social media vacation. You don’t have to delete your accounts, but try deleting the apps off of your phone. See if you can stay off them for a week. When we’re so used to being “on” all of the time, it can be hard to imagine a total break like that, but it might be just what you need. It will help to remind you that the satisfaction you get from scrolling through your social media feeds isn’t the only way you get social satisfaction in your life. And when you do get back on the apps, you’ll be able to keep it in perspective and moderate your time a bit more than before. 

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

---

What parents of anxious children should know about anxiety

What is anxiety?

Feeling anxious is a completely normal part of life. When big events or school projects or new social experiences are coming up, it’s natural for your child to feel some degree of anxiety. However, just as in adult, anxiety in children can also become overwhelming. When this anxiety tips over from being a manageable emotion to being a major obstacle in their everyday life, that’s when your child may be struggling to manage an anxiety disorder. 

In general, there are three types of anxiety that are the most common in children. These are: 

1. Generalized Anxiety: when the child experiences pervasive anxiety or distress at everyday occurrences, most often regarding school or sports in children. Typically categorized by “undue distress about a variety of everyday things beyond the scope of more specific anxieties and phobias” (Child Mind Institute)

2. Separation Anxiety: when the child is anxious at the prospect of being separated from someone of significance. (A parent, a sibling, a close friend, a pet, etc.) This type of anxiety is very common in toddlers, but can also appear in school age & adolescent children. 

3. Social Anxiety: when the child is anxious, worried, nervous, etc. in any sort of social situation. This can include playdates, school activities, sports, clubs, etc. There is often an underlying self-consciousness, a fear of being judged, disliked, or embarrassed. 

4. Specific, Severe Phobias: this is when the child has a severe fear of something irrational. They might be afraid of thunder, which could cause them to work themselves into nervousness or an anxiety attack if the sky turns dark or it starts to rain. 

How does it show up in kids?

If you believe your child is struggling with anxiety, there are some key physical, emotional & behavioral symptoms to look out for. Physical symptoms include: 

• Frequent  physical aches: if your child is often getting headaches or stomach aches, it may be a physical manifestation of anxiety. Pay attention to any patterns you can identify when your child starts to complain of these aches. 

• Trouble eating: does your child feel sick or nauseated when it comes time to eat somewhere unfamiliar? Being uncomfortable eating anywhere other than the home is a sign of anxiety that can often spiral into physical sickness when the time to eat at school (or a friend’s house, or a club, etc.) comes along. 

•  Trouble using the bathroom: as with eating, if your child has difficulty using the bathroom anywhere new or outside of your home, that may be a symptom of anxiety. 

• Difficulty sleeping: just as in adults, anxiety can impair a child’s ability to fall asleep, sleep restfully, or stay asleep. 

Emotional & Behavioral symptoms of anxiety in children include: 

• Intense, heightened emotional reactivity: Anxiety is a difficult feeling to process and understand, especially as a child. Instead, they may be more inclined to react with other extreme emotions. If your child seems as though they are crying more than usual, is extremely sensitive, becomes irritable easily, etc. it is likely an emotional manifestation of their anxiety. 

• Continued worry over everyday activities: does your child seem worried or panicked about things you or they do all the time? Are they worried about being dropped off at school? Do they fret about getting out of the car in the right spot, finding the right door to walk through, etc.? These fixated worries are probably a sign of anxiety. 

• Isolation: does your child remove themselves from social situations, even ones you think they may enjoy? Do they participate in class or sports or clubs? Do they try anything to get out of going to school? Do they dread birthday parties, etc.?

• Need for approval: while there is an inherent desire for approval in almost all of us, anxious kids struggle much more with this need. They find themselves looking for approval or permission for everything they do.

• Look out for: the phrase “will you do it for me?” When kids are overwhelmed by anxiety, they can often want their parents to take over. Even if it something you know they are capable of doing on their own, if they are experiencing anxiety, this phrase is likely to crop up. 

What challenges will this create for them?

The ways in which anxiety manifests in children makes it difficult for them socially, academically & developmentally. At this age, learning to form new relationships is crucial, and the foundations of learning and personal development are taking place. 

When children are too anxious to take part in social or school activities, they miss out on critical experiences like: making friends, learning social rules, developing problem solving skills, etc.  

How can you help?

Hope isn’t lost though! There is plenty that can be done to help your child manage their anxiety and thrive, with healthy coping skills. Here are five ways you can help your child learn about & manage their anxiety: 

1. Give it a name: when your child is feeling anxious, have them draw a picture of what that anxiety feels like. Have them give it a face, a body, a name. This can help you teach them that their anxiety is a separate thing from their own identity. Talk about their anxiety monster as if it is it’s own being. When they have anxious thoughts, ask them, “What is Bob (or whatever name they choose) saying to you?” Remind them that there is no judgment, no wrong answer. Be there to help them separate fact from fiction in what their anxiety is telling them. 

2. Give them a chance to slow down: if you can, encourage your child to focus on their breathing. Show them how to breathe in and out slowly, counting breaths, until they are able to slow down. If they are in the midst of an emotional reaction (crying, a tantrum, etc.) give them a glass of water and have them drink the whole thing. In order to drink it, they will have to slow down and focus on breathing while they drink it, which can help calm them down. 

3. Have regular “worry time”: Make space in your schedule to sit with them and discuss what they are worried about. This will help them feel listened to and validated, and allow you to brainstorm solutions to whatever is worrying them. When it’s worry time, sit down with them and tell them “Okay, it’s Worry Time, tell me what you’re worried about.” Let them say anything they need to without cutting them off. Don’t tell them their worries are silly, instead offer a solution. For example: if your child get anxious about speaking in front of others, but knows they have a school project coming up, they will probably feel anxious about it. Teach them to manage their problems in small chunks. First, they can write down what they want to say. Then they can practice it in front of you. Then add a sibling or a friend, but have them turn around and face the other way. Then have them say it while facing you, etc. 

4. Help them find accommodations: if your child is frequently anxious in new social situations, try to expose them to new places + people in small, controlled doses. If there is a birthday party coming up, call the parents of the child and see if your children can get together at their house before the party, so it will be a more familiar environment. If your child is going to summer camp, see if you can visit and meet teachers or counselors or coaches beforehand. 

5. Teach them that worry has a purpose: It isn’t wrong to be worried–in fact that feeling of worry often lets us know that something isn’t right. The problem comes when that worry takes control of their whole life. Remind them that they can always come to you with their worries, and you will help them find a solution. 

If you're looking for support for your anxious child, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help! 

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!