Codependence vs Interdependence in Relationships

Codependence vs Interdependence in Relationships

Relationships can be tough when there aren’t healthy boundaries in place, even when we have good intentions. We all bring our own histories and experiences to our relationships, and sometimes the different approaches we have to relationships can cause miscommunication or hurt feelings. One common issue that can cause distress in relationships is codependence, which can lead to an imbalanced relationship emotionally.

What is Codependence?

Codependence happens when one partner in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) gets their sense of self-worth from prioritizing the other person’s needs over their own. You can experience codependence in any kind of relationship, but it most often shows up in romantic relationships. You may have a relationship in your past or know of someone in a relationship like this. Instead of each partner being responsible for themselves emotionally, one partner takes on all of the responsibility for their partner instead of focusing on their own needs. 

Codependent folks feel validated when they put another person’s needs before their own. Lots of times the urge to manage the feelings and needs of others comes from experiences you had in childhood. Many codependent folks learned early on that the world is confusing, and one way to make sense of it is to try to control as much as possible. 

Low self worth can also impact codependence, because feeling badly about yourself can lead to placing the responsibility of your happiness on someone else. If you have a hard time being alone with yourself, or you don’t like yourself, it might seem easier to throw all your energy into helping “fix” your partner or take care of their needs than to focus your attention on yourself. However, this often leads to more relationship problems than it solves. 

What’s wrong with codependence?

The problem with codependence is that it’s impossible to manage someone else’s needs fully. Everyone is responsible for their own emotional work, and that’s just not something that can be done by someone else. Trying to control your partner’s emotional experience or manage their needs is a losing game, which will just end up making you feel worse about yourself in the long run. 

The goal in relationships isn’t complete independence though. Interdependence is a more healthy relationship dynamic, because it allows partners to be autonomous but also come together as a team. 

In an interdependent relationship, both partners have a sense of healthy autonomy. Emotional closeness is still there, but each partner is able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. Each partner feels safe to express themselves, and trust that their partner will do the same. Power and responsibility is shared in an equitable way in interdependent relationships, whereas codependent relationships have a major power imbalance. 

Where does codependence come from? 

If you find yourself enacting some codependent behaviors, don’t be too hard on yourself. The ways we relate to others in adult relationships is often influenced by our attachment style and our relationships with our early caregivers.

We all have an attachment style, which develops from the relationships we had as children with our caregivers. If your caregivers were attentive to your needs, reliable, and safe, a secure attachment style can form. This is because you learned early on that you were safe and cared for, which allowed you to explore the world knowing that you would have a safe base to return to. If your caregivers were not as reliable, though, it’s harder to feel that sense of safety and trust. 

We all have fundamental needs as humans. These needs are things like: 

• Knowing that you’re loved

• Knowing you won’t be abandoned

• Knowing that you’re safe

• Feeling seen and heard

• Feeling accepted 

• Knowing you’re good enough

• Knowing that your needs aren’t a burden

Often, these needs are at the root of arguments. It’s painful to feel like your partner doesn’t understand needs that feel so fundamental to you. But remember, no one can read minds. Even if it seems plain to you, it’s impossible for your partner to know what you need or expect if you don’t communicate it to them. When this feeling of frustration comes up, try to remember that underneath this feeling is an attachment need that isn’t being met. It’s easier to find a resolution when you can pinpoint where the actual distress you’re feeling is coming from. 

What can I do to increase interdependence in my relationship? 

If you’re in a codependent relationship, it’s not doomed to end poorly. Just as codependence was learned at some point, it can be unlearned. There are things you can do to help shift from a codependent dynamic to a more interdependent one. 

Take note of moments of codependence 

Codependence can become a pattern in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s permanent. We all have patterns we follow, and they can be hard to spot sometimes without self-reflection. Often, the patterns that we enact come from a place of trying to protect ourselves or cope with a tough situation. These patterns don’t always make sense for the way you’re living your life now, since the original situation has passed. It’s possible to unlearn these patterns that are no longer serving our needs though.

When you notice codependent behavior coming up, either with you or your partner, take notice of it. Try not to attach moral weight to it, because that will lead to feelings of shame. Even just noticing when it comes up can give you more insight into what your actual relationship patterns look like, and how you relate to one another.

Get to know yourself better 

To break the cycle of codependence, you’ll need to get comfortable spending time with yourself. This can seem like a nightmare scenario for a lot of people. Lots of us are trying to avoid that very thing for a reason - it’s painful sometimes to work through our baggage to get to a place where we feel comfortable in our own company. However, learning who you are, what your needs are, and what’s important to you is invaluable. When you know who you are on your own, it’s easier to continue to maintain that sense of self in a relationship. 

Some ways to get to know yourself better are journaling, mindfulness work, and tuning into your inner dialogue. Working with a therapist can help you find ways to be more mindful of the present moment and notice those times when you are trying to distract yourself or avoid your own thoughts. 

Develop interests outside of your relationship

To be interdependent in a relationship, you need to develop a sense of who you are outside of your relationships. Know that you’ve gotten to know yourself a little better, you can explore interests of your own outside your relationship simply for your own fulfillment. 

What makes you feel happy, loved, safe? What are some ways to open up your life beyond your relationship? Maybe with a hobby or a cause that is important to you. When you have your own sense of purpose outside of your relationship, it’s easier to resist those codependent urges. 

Be patient with yourself and your partner

Change doesn’t happen overnight and it’s often painful throughout the process. Don’t expect the way you relate to other people, especially romantic partners, to transform instantly. Developing a healthy sense of interdependence takes time. It takes building up trust and esteem for yourself, and proving to yourself that you can meet your own needs. Consistently showing up for your own needs gives you proof that you’re capable and are on the right track. 

In the same vein, be patient with your partner as well. Just like you, they’re learning more about their attachment needs and how to balance a healthy sense of self with a relationship. Maintaining healthy relationships isn’t something that we learn about in school, so real life practice is all we get. It’s going to take time and the more patient and understanding you can be with one another, the less distressing it will be. 

Work with a therapist

Relationships are complicated, and it can be hard to figure out new ways to relate to one another without the help of a professional. You don’t need to be at a breaking point in your relationship to seek help. Therapists are trained to help you pick up on patterns that aren’t working for you anymore and explore more helpful ways to communicate with one another. Working with a therapist can also help you find a balance of interdependence in your relationship. 

It can be hard to break old patterns, especially ones like codependence in relationships. Working with a therapist can help you recognize and change unhelpful patterns. Therapy can help teach you how to break the cycle of codependence and move toward more interdependent relationships in the future. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment. 

5 Ways to Deal With Being Ghosted

Have you ever been ghosted? 

If you have, you know that it’s a uniquely painful experience. Ghosting is when someone you are in a relationship with disappears from your usual methods of contact suddenly. We hear a lot about ghosting in a dating context, because it’s become more and more popular in the era of dating apps, but friendships can end with ghosting too. It tends to happen in newer relationships, but it can also happen in more established ones. The aftermath of being ghosted can be a lot to deal with. 

Ghosting is painful for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to go from having some type of relationship with someone to silence with no warning or word as to why. It can be a big hit to your self-esteem to suddenly lose a relationship. It’s upsetting to think that you cared about someone more than they cared about you. Ghosting can also trigger abandonment trauma or fears of rejection. You might worry that no one will ever stick around in the future. 

Many of us have negative beliefs about ourselves, whether we realize it or not. There’s even a name for that critical voice in your head that reinforces those mean thoughts: the inner critic. This inner critic might tell you that you’re not loveable or not good enough. Being ghosted can reinforce those beliefs, even though they’re false. 

Ghosting is also painful because it removes any sense of closure. You might always wonder what actually happened or what would have happened if things went differently. While any relationship ending is painful, in most breakup situations, it’s clear to both sides what is going on. Ghosting removes that, so one person is left completely in the dark. 

Why do people ghost?

People’s reasons for ghosting may vary. Some people use it as a method of conflict avoidance, or out of fear. They may be afraid to have a serious conversation, afraid of the other person’s reaction, or even afraid of the unknown. Some people ghost out of a sense of self-preservation when a relationship is struggling. While it’s much better to be honest and communicate, some people might feel like going no contact is their only option. 

When people feel uncomfortable feelings, they can react in a number of ways. One way that some people react to uncomfortable emotions is by ghosting. This doesn’t excuse it, but it might give you some insight as to what is going on. 

Being ghosted feels terrible, no matter how it happens. If it’s happened to you, here are 5 ways to cope: 

Give yourself compassion

It can feel embarrassing to be ghosted, or you might feel like you did something wrong. Remember that you always deserve to be treated with respect, and give yourself lots of compassion. How would you talk to a friend in your situation? You’d probably remind them of how amazing they are, how much they have to offer, and how messed up it is that someone would treat them this way. Even if you have to pretend your friend is saying it to you, send that message of love, acceptance, and compassion to yourself. 

Don’t blame yourself

Ghosting isn’t about you. Being rejected this way feels intensely personal, but it’s often more about the person doing the ghosting and how they deal with things. You deserve to be treated with respect, and ghosting is as disrespectful as it gets. Even though it might be hard to wrap your head around it at first, anyone who deals with things by ghosting isn’t worth your time and energy anyway. 

Expose shame

Shame is really tricky to deal with. It often feels impossible to talk about, so it can be isolating. Ghosting in particular can cause shame. It feels bad to be rejected, and to make sense of it your brain might tell you that you did something to cause it. Remember though, that it’s not about you. Shame becomes less powerful when it’s shared, though. We all have things that trigger shame. Sharing about your shame with someone who is close to you can help you see how mean you’re being to yourself. 

Check your negative thoughts 

When you find yourself having distressing negative thoughts about yourself, try to check them. Are these thoughts facts, or are you dealing with cognitive distortions? Is this something that is true, or is this a story you have told yourself? Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren’t true, but that we grow to believe. When you notice them popping up, do what you can to challenge those thoughts.

Don’t reach out

Even though you wish things had gone differently, the person who ghosted you has made it clear that they aren’t interested in talking. It can feel tempting to try to look for them elsewhere on the internet, but try to resist that urge. Instead of dwelling on the person who ghosted, do your best to shift your thoughts away from them. This is where a mindfulness practice can come in handy. Mindfulness will help you practice noticing your thoughts and shifting your awareness. 

Being ghosted is painful. If you’re dealing with the aftermath of ghosting, talking with a therapist can help you work through the distress you’re feeling and find ways to cope that are specific to your needs. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

6 Ways Cooking Together Builds Intimacy

Do you have plans for this Valentine’s Day?  

A third pandemic Valentine’s Day in a row might not sound super exciting, we know. Depending on what’s happening in your local area there might be some restrictions on where you and your partner can even spend the day celebrating! 

If you’re trying to think of something to do this Valentine’s Day, consider simply cooking a meal with your loved one. 

It might sound simple, but cooking a meal together can be a great (and fun!) way to spend quality time with your partner and build intimacy between the two of you. 

And of course, this doesn’t have to be limited to romantic relationships! While Valentine’s Day is primarily about romantic relationships, you can expand the meaning of the day to celebrate any sort of meaningful relationship in your life! Because even if you aren’t currently involved in a romantic relationship, you have plenty of other significant relationships in your life. 

And intimacy isn’t inherently romantic. Being intimate with someone is just about feeling comfortable being vulnerable and your authentic self with someone else. You can build that connection in any sort of relationship! 

So why cook a meal together? 

It’s a simple thing, but there is so much intimacy in it! Here are 6 reasons cooking together can help build intimacy: 

Firstly, you have to remain present: 

When you’re cooking, you have to be fully in the moment, thinking about the food you’re preparing, how it will work together, the step you’re on, the smells and sights in front of you, etc. Cooking is basically one big mindfulness practice! And when it comes to spending time with loved ones, it’s quality over quantity–meaning, it’s better to be fully engaged and present with a loved one for a short amount of time, than to spend all day together when neither one of you is really existing in the present moment. So cooking a meal together is a great way to ground yourselves in the present moment and really enjoy your time together meaningfully. 

You’re connecting over a shared goal:

Does that sound silly? It might, but it’s true! In order to even get to the stage where you’re cooking together you need to: agree to cook together, agree on what you want to eat, get the ingredients and materials for what you want to prepare, and only then can you start actually preparing it together. This is a lot of cooperation! It might not feel big to you, but think of how long it takes you to decide what you want for dinner on a day you’re burned out. It’s seeming more impressive to do it with another person, and then work together to make that meal happen, right? 

It’s dependent on communication: 

Unless you’re both naturally instinctive chefs, you’re going to need to communicate with one another about what you both need to do and how you need to work together to get the meal prepared! No, you don’t need to map out a battle plan, but this shows up in the small things like “can you chop the onions while I melt the butter?” Having a whole activity that requires the two of  you to really listen and respond to one another can help you appreciate how well you work together. 

Nourishing one another is inherently intimate:

Taking time to lovingly prepare a meal for someone and then make sure they eat it is one of the biggest ways humans connect intimately with one another! Think of parents and children: one of the most significant relationships in our lives, and so much bonding within that relationship happens over meal times. Whether that’s the contact from holding a baby as you feed them or sharing stories over meals at family dinners, nourishing one another is a wonderful way to bond.  Taking time to prepare a meal for someone says: I care about you, I want to make sure you’re well nourished. What could be more loving than that?

Cooking is a sensual experience:

Cooking and eating engage all of your senses, and often link it with pleasure! While you’re cooking you’re focused on: how does this food look? How does it smell? Does it taste good? What can I do to make it more enjoyable? Connecting with your partner over what’s pleasing to your senses is a wonderful way to connect intimately (or even erotically)  without needing sex to enter the picture at all. 

Cooking can strengthen your emotional ties:

Cooking can be a very personal experience. We so often learn to cook from loved ones (parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, etc.) or people with significant relationships to us.  There is a lot of emotion and nostalgia tied to cooking. It’s something that engages all of your senses which means your memories tied to it will be strong! Cooking with a partner gives you an opportunity to share those memories–you can teach them how to cook something your parents taught you, or something connected with a happy memory that you get to share with them. 

If you’re looking for more ways to build intimacy in  your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

6 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

Every relationship has ups and downs.

No lasting relationship exists without conflict, so knowing how to address it in a healthy way is crucial for a healthy, lasting relationship. It requires a deep vulnerability and a commitment to be honest, which can be very scary! The more vulnerable and honest we are, the more we feel others have the power to hurt us, even unintentionally. And it can be hard to go to your partner and tell them you’re unhappy about something in your relationship. 

But the truth is, if you didn’t care about the relationship, you wouldn't say anything at all! You would probably just go your own way, and the relationship would be over. It shows how important a relationship is when you’re willing to take that risk to be vulnerable in an attempt to be seen and understood–and hopefully it will allow you and your partner to grow closer.

However, we know that it does feel scary to broach a difficult conversation with a partner.

So to help you, we’ve put together 6 tips for having difficult conversations with your partner: 

Remember your partner is human: 

Even if they have done something that upset you, it’s likely their intention was not to cause you any harm. Remind yourself of a time when you let someone down without intending to, and consider how you wish they had engaged with you. This doesn’t mean to excuse behavior that is a problem, just to go into the conversation with the assumption your partner didn’t mean to hurt you, that they want to learn to be the best partner they can be, but that they will sometimes mess up. 

Understand your own feelings first: 

Take a moment to make sure you understand why you’re upset. Are you upset because your partner is on their phone anytime you watch TV together, or are you upset because it feels like there is very little time where the two of you feel present together? When you figure out what it is you’re actually having an emotional response to, you can communicate your needs much more clearly. And it helps to make sure you’re having a conversation about what actually matters–in this case, it’s not so much about phone usage, but feeling disconnected from one another. So the solution might be to put your phone away at certain times, but it might be something different. Focus on the root of the issue, not just the incident that felt like the tipping point. 

Understand your intention with the conversation: 

What is it you want to happen when you open up to your partner like this? Are you looking for them to just hear your feelings, or do you want them to help “solve” the problem? Sometimes, things are small one-time occurrences, and we might feel that all we need to do is point out what upset us and trust our partner to hear us. But sometimes, the issue is larger or more ongoing. In that case, if your intention is problem solving, remember that you and your partner are a team, and it’s the pair of you vs the problem, not you vs them. 

Be intentional about when you talk: 

When you need to have a serious conversation, you don’t want to feel like you’re just barely squeezing it in. You also don’t want you or your partner to be distracted or pulled away while in the middle of the conversation. So find a time that you are both free to sit and talk for a long time, so you can really focus on one another and not feel rushed or like you weren’t able to really get into it. 

Commit to understanding their side: 

Just as you want them to hear and understand you, give them space to talk so you can do the same. And don’t just listen to respond–really sit and actively listen. What are they saying? What are they hoping you’ll understand? Was this something you knew before? 

Fight fair:

Don’t bring up little annoyances you’ve let slide under the rug. Don’t dredge up an old argument to help “prove your point.” If you feel things getting too heated, suggest a break so that you can both take time to cool off and come back when you’re ready to hear one another.  

If you need some extra support in having difficult conversations with your partner, we can help. Contact us today! 

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

Friendship is a special kind of relationship. Friendships often transcend romantic or familial relationships. Our friends may know the most intimate versions of ourselves, and that kind of intimacy is special. We often hear phrases like “friends forever!” and assume that it’s true- and for many friends, it is. However, lifelong friendships aren’t the only friendships that are worth having. Some friendships are based on proximity or common interests, and those things can change over time. It can be a source of great shame to have a string of former friendships in your past, but it’s actually very normal. There are all sorts of reasons that friendships end, but ending a friendship is a very hard choice to make. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re allowed to voice your needs and you’re allowed to draw your own boundaries. The most important thing is to continue treating people kindly and with respect. 

When we think about breakups, we tend to think of romantic relationships. However, you can break up with friends too. There are a lot more resources out there for dealing with the end of a romantic relationship than the end of a friendship, which can make it hard to cope in the aftermath. Some friendships end with a mutual decision, some end with a disagreement, and some just sort of fade out. Each type of ending can be painful in its own way, even if you’re the one who ended the friendship. 

Ending a relationship of any kind is never easy. As humans, we are wired for connection, so it can be confusing and painful to end a connection that was special to you. Sometimes, ending a friendship will come after having conversations with each other about boundaries or expectations. You might feel better if you approach them with a conversation first instead of just ending things right there. There might also be situations where you feel better ending the friendship without talking about it first. Whatever way works for you and your situation, know that it is okay to feel a bunch of conflicting feelings about ending a friendship. You might feel relieved to not have to deal with them anymore. You might feel sad remembering the good times you had together. You might be angry at the way they treated you. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. 

Here are a few reasons why you might consider ending a friendship: 

You feel worse after you spend time with them

How do you feel after you spend time with this friend? Do they leave you feeling rejuvenated and calm, or tense and upset? We all have bad days, but if this person regularly leaves you feeling hurt or disrespected, it might be time to have a serious conversation about how they treat you. You are allowed to have expectations for the way people treat you and if people can’t meet them, you don’t owe them a relationship.  

You no longer work together or live near one another

Many friendships are proximity-based. Think about friends from high school or college, or different jobs that you’ve had. After you leave that common space, you don’t always stay close. That doesn’t mean that the friendship wasn’t meaningful to you or important, it just means that when you no longer have things in common, the friendship might naturally fade. We all have different resources available to us, and you might not have the capacity to manage all of your friendships all of the time. It’s natural to sometimes let relationships go. 

They violated a boundary or your trust

If someone has violated your sense of trust, it can be hard to stay in friendship with them. Friendships are intimate relationships, which thrive off of trust. When that is broken, it can be difficult to stay close to one another unless you both commit to doing some serious communicating. That might not be what you want to do, and that’s okay. Trust is a basic tenent of many relationships, and its okay to end a friendship when you no longer feel that trust. 

You feel taken advantage of

Do you contribute equally to the relationship, or is your friend always asking you for favors but never reciprocating? All relationships have some give and take, but over time it tends to even out. Are you always the one initiating plans? Do they only contact you when they need something from you? If you only hear from someone when they can get something from you, it’s natural to feel frustrated and resentful after a while. Friendship is supposed to be mutual, so if you’re doing all the work, it might be time to end things. 

Your interests change

Lots of friendships start around a common interest, like hiking or games. Our interests often change over time, especially when we have new experiences. Sometimes, what interests you no longer does and you move on. It might be painful to leave people behind, but as your interests grow so will your potential pool of new friends. 

Ending a friendship is a hard and personal decision. What is right for one friendship might be totally wrong for another. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. Our needs change over time, including the needs we have in relationships. Friendships take work and trust, and sometimes that’s just not possible or practical.

If you’re looking for support as you decide to end a friendship, therapy can be a great place to cope with the loss of an important relationship in your life.